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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if he's ashamed of us?

62 replies

theqentity · 18/01/2022 18:55

We live commutable distance from a large city. Many of our friends still live in the city, but lots have also moved out.

DH and I both have lots of friends from university who we still see. Generally my friends will come to our house for the afternoon, or we will visit them, or meet them at a restaurant. Usually it's a whole family thing and the kids come along too, as most of us have kids now. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, mainly due to lockdown and friends having kids with SEN who don't travel well (we also have this). But when we meet it's always a big, inclusive thing, and we have food or go out somewhere.

DH doesn't ever invite his friends over, or their families. He always arranges to 'take them to dinner in the city', and it's always dropped on me at the last minute, and because we have a child with significant disability we can't just get a babysitter, and have no family nearby that could babysit either. So I stay home with the kids and he goes off to the city and entertains his friends and their partners in nice restaurants. And I never ever see them, I haven't even met most of their wives. I've never met their children. I know they exist because we would meet them for dinner and drinks back in our twenties before we had kids, and we get the birth announcement cards in the post, but that's as close as I get.

Today I pointed out that I think it's a bit odd that DH is still entertaining his married friends and friends with families as if he is a single man in his twenties and that maybe he could invite a few of them over here, so I could make dinner, or get dinner in, and I could meet their wives and kids. He looked a bit horrified by this idea.

AIBU here? Honestly I feel a bit confused by it all now.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 18/01/2022 19:35

I think it’s very important to have friends outside of the family.
You shouldn’t be taking your DCs and DH everytime you meet your friends as you need some you time.

However if he meets their families it is only fair to return the favour and for them to meet his.
They must wonder why you don’t come.

flippertyop · 18/01/2022 19:37

It depends on if they are bringing their kids. If they are not and you can't go out without your child it's not an issue with you - it's just that you can't feasibly do it. I think you are reading too much into this. I have lots of friends that I meet without the kids for various reasons. Adult dinners in the city aren't really ideal with children

Innocenta · 18/01/2022 19:38

Why do you think he's embarrassed by DC's disability?

RealBecca · 18/01/2022 19:40

Jumping to conclusions. He said it hadn't occurred to him. Now it has.

pencilpot99 · 18/01/2022 19:40

I wonder if you’re over-thinking this. He wants to stay in touch with his friends and you find it difficult to find babysitters so the easy (to him) solution is that he goes out to meet them - saves the hassle of you entertaining at home and he maintains his friendships. If you haven’t mentioned it as a problem until now he may not have realised you feel like you’re missing out. Chances are you’ve spent a lot more time thinking about this and building up resentment and it just hasn’t occurred to him that there’s a problem.
My suggestion would be to explain how you feel left out and either come up with a babysitting solution together so you can join him, or as you’ve suggested, invite his friends over to your house. If he refuses to do either of those things, that’s when you might think there’s a problem. If he doesn’t realise how much it’s been bothering you, he may just have thought you’re fine with it, or even prefer it that way.

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 19:41

How have you never met his uni friends?
Did you go to uni together?
Did they go together as couples?
Did they come to your wedding?

TooWicked · 18/01/2022 19:45

Can you please clarify - your DH goes on his own to meet up with his friends plus their partners plus their children?

Emerald5hamrock · 18/01/2022 19:46

I wouldn't be happy with him.
If he is ashamed he is a dickhead.

Emerald5hamrock · 18/01/2022 19:49

How have you never met his uni friends?
OP has, pre DC.

RandomMess · 18/01/2022 19:50

Time to find and train a paid babysitter, ok it won't be cheap but he needs to start including you. It's hurtful that he doesn't when his friends bring their partners.

Tell him disappearing off at short notice for a nice adult only meal isn't ok anymore.

phishy · 18/01/2022 19:51

When you say he entertains them, does this mean he is paying for their meals as well?

Are any of them single, could he have a crush on one of them?

What is he like in public with your disabled child, does he actively take care of them or does he leave it to you?

Goldbar · 18/01/2022 19:53

I prefer to meet my friends without my DC. We have long, leisurely lunches and I don't have to ask for the ice cream to be brought with the main course to keep my DC from kicking off. I also don't have to admit to ownership of the small child hiding under the table.

My DH looks after DC and I go out. It's much more relaxing than running round hosting and watching countless children trash my house. We do meet-ups at our house too, but that's mostly with "mum friends" as playdates for our DC. I also see some of those "mum friends" occasionally on our own for coffee or drinks without DC.

My suspicion is that he doesn't want the hassle of hosting.

Shoxfordian · 18/01/2022 19:53

Do his friends bring/have children too?

SmallElephant · 18/01/2022 19:54

Do you ever get invited, as a family, to his friends' homes?

If the answer is no, then I don't think he's ashamed of you and your DC, it's just a difference in how they socialise as a group.

I mean, if none of them ever invite people over then it's not just him making that decision is it?

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 18/01/2022 19:55

@theqentity

He just said it hadn't occurred to him to do anything differently.

How did your conversation with your DH end here?

Do many of your conversations with him end like this, so emptily? Is there a reason for that?

ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 20:03

He's not ashamed of you,
He just feels entitled to assume you will always fall into line providing childcare while he gets one of his (apparently many) "breaks" from family life.

Does he ever step up for childcare so that YOU get a break?

whirlycarly · 18/01/2022 20:04

I totally get why you're feeling uncomfortable, he's hanging out with the friends plus partners while you are left out. The same isn't true in reverse - you include everyone. The last minute thing doesn't even give you chance to say you'd like to be included or to get anything arranged. It's deliberate (and unkind.)

Dp and I socialise together and separately with friends, but if a person were significant in one of our lives, the other would definitely have met them, even if occasionally.

I bet his friends' partners think it's a bit odd. Is he painting you as some kind of recluse?

Mo1911 · 18/01/2022 20:08

It sounds like there maybe more than this that you're unhappy about but this is one that is current and can be articulated. Is this possibly a symptom rather than the underlying cause? Apologies if I'm putting two and two together man's making five!

billy1966 · 18/01/2022 20:09

That sounds unbelievably selfish of him and NO it is not normal to just do this repeatedly without discussion.

Does he do his share of childcare and share the household duties, or does his selfishness extend beyond this.

Do YOU ever have a nice evening out on your own?

If not, now that you have pointed it out, you need to even things up.

I think you should listen to your gut.

Snoken · 18/01/2022 20:27

@Moancup

Do the partners come along with kids?

I have lots of friends with kids who prefer to see me without their children and that often means their partner can’t come either. I take it as a sign that my company isn’t exciting enough to fork out for a babysitter.

I think it’s the other way around. They value your company so much that they don’t want your time to be interrupted by kids shenanigans. I value my time with my friends, and prefer to see them without kids and DH as the dynamic changes.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2022 20:31

@wheresmymojo

TBH I tend to always go out with friends on my own without DH as it's a break from family life.

I don't have to worry about including DH in the conversation where we're chatting about other old friends he doesn't know and memories he doesn't share which I'm pretty sure would bore the arse off him.

It's also a night off from the DC.

I don't think DH is unreasonable as long as he'd be okay with you doing the same.

If you'd just rather socialise with your friends as a family because it's your preference then that's not your DH's problem?

Do you host them though?

I assume the OP means that he pays.

LittleOwl153 · 18/01/2022 20:41

Make plans for something that your DC can do, set it up for hisnfriends to be invited... and wait for his reaction. I'm sure it will be telling!

MsDogLady · 18/01/2022 22:53

OP, could you please elaborate?

(1) Do the other couples bring their children to these dinners?
(2) If so—you/the children should be going.
(3) If not—if a dinner is discussed well in advance, is it conceivable that a babysitter could be sorted? Perhaps ask someone from your son’s school who is familiar with his needs or maybe locate a reliable person whom you could train. This would greatly benefit the family in general.

If finding child care is impossible, then it seems fair to bring the group, including children, your way….to a local child-friendly restaurant or to your home.

It’s good that you’ve started communicating your feelings about this to H. It is entirely reasonable that you want and expect to be included in this significant part of his life. He needs to find a way.

How much time/energy does H invest in family life and the care of your children? I’m wondering how empathetic and proactive he is in working as a team to meet your children’s needs, and how much he demonstratively values yours. Is he generally self-absorbed?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/01/2022 23:32

Its totally normal to spend time with your friends separately. But makes a difference if their partners and kids are there.
If their partners are there then it's probably for logistical reasons that he doesnt invite you - if they're going somewhere that isnt child friendly but you can't get a sitter then its tricky. If the group collectively dont meet up at each others houses then he may not want to be the one to change the dynamic, although he could try, now he knows it bothers you. Do you really want to host a load of people that you don't really know in your house though? Is it because you actually want to get to know them or more because you feel its not fair you're left out because of the situation with your children?

If other peoples kids go as well then he is being weird not inviting you and the kids

HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 23:43

I think that's really awful actually. I would want to get to the bottom of it.

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