To wonder if he's ashamed of us?

[theqentity]

We live commutable distance from a large city. Many of our friends still live in the city, but lots have also moved out.

DH and I both have lots of friends from university who we still see. Generally my friends will come to our house for the afternoon, or we will visit them, or meet them at a restaurant. Usually it's a whole family thing and the kids come along too, as most of us have kids now. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, mainly due to lockdown and friends having kids with SEN who don't travel well (we also have this). But when we meet it's always a big, inclusive thing, and we have food or go out somewhere.

DH doesn't ever invite his friends over, or their families. He always arranges to 'take them to dinner in the city', and it's always dropped on me at the last minute, and because we have a child with significant disability we can't just get a babysitter, and have no family nearby that could babysit either. So I stay home with the kids and he goes off to the city and entertains his friends and their partners in nice restaurants. And I never ever see them, I haven't even met most of their wives. I've never met their children. I know they exist because we would meet them for dinner and drinks back in our twenties before we had kids, and we get the birth announcement cards in the post, but that's as close as I get.

Today I pointed out that I think it's a bit odd that DH is still entertaining his married friends and friends with families as if he is a single man in his twenties and that maybe he could invite a few of them over here, so I could make dinner, or get dinner in, and I could meet their wives and kids. He looked a bit horrified by this idea.

AIBU here? Honestly I feel a bit confused by it all now.

I think it's a bit unfair to jump to the conclusion that he is ashamed of his own child.
But you know him better than us, OP.

YANBU. You need to have a chat about this now that he's aware. Personally, I don't buy that he wasn't before, but whatever. You should ask him what you're asking here, OP. Exactly that. You have a right to know.

I really hope that's not it.

I think people who are defending the DH here are missing the point.

This isn’t about the dh being allowed to socialise with his friends away from the OP, it’s about the fact that they have a child together whose needs are so complex that a babysitter cannot be found at short notice, and the fact that, armed with this knowledge, he waits until the last minute to announce that he is going out with his friends and their partners.

It sends out a very clear message. It says “I want to go out. I have a friendship group which doesn’t include you, it includes all their wives, but I don’t want to go out with you, and because I know we have a child with complex needs I also know that I can drop this on you at the last minute and I know you won’t be able to come.”

And whether the children go or not is entirely irrelevant. The OP isn’t one of the children. She is his partner, and all of those go, apart from the OP.

So no, it’s not unreasonable to wonder whether he’s ashamed or embarrassed to be seen out with her, since he goes to very deliberate lengths not to be.

@AlternativePerspective

I think people who are defending the DH here are missing the point.

This isn’t about the dh being allowed to socialise with his friends away from the OP, it’s about the fact that they have a child together whose needs are so complex that a babysitter cannot be found at short notice, and the fact that, armed with this knowledge, he waits until the last minute to announce that he is going out with his friends and their partners.

It sends out a very clear message. It says “I want to go out. I have a friendship group which doesn’t include you, it includes all their wives, but I don’t want to go out with you, and because I know we have a child with complex needs I also know that I can drop this on you at the last minute and I know you won’t be able to come.”

And whether the children go or not is entirely irrelevant. The OP isn’t one of the children. She is his partner, and all of those go, apart from the OP.

So no, it’s not unreasonable to wonder whether he’s ashamed or embarrassed to be seen out with her, since he goes to very deliberate lengths not to be.

That's how I feel. He assures me this isn't the case, but also can't explain why he's done this for so long. Maybe because I have never challenged him on it?

So all these meet ups are last minute? So his friends and partners can always manage last minute meet ups? I find that extremely odd given the fact you mention they have children. most people I know need a bit of notice to sort childcare/work/other social commitments, its rare our friends can just go out every time at the drop of a hat.

so yes, the fact hes telling you last minute wood leave me to believe that some of these are likely planned at least a bit of time in advance. But hes telling you last minute so you can't go.

I understand going out separately on occasion, but its every time? Thats really not on.

He should be making an effort to have your included, that's what I find strange.

Do you have any childcare at all for your DC? Would it be worth going through an agency who often have people qualified to take care of dc with needs, and try and get dc accustomed to one or two of these people, and perhaps next time hopefully one will then be free to baby-sit at short notice.

Also, next time it happens, I'd just say to DH, oh great, I have a sitter so I'll come with you this time! (even if you don't) And see what his reaction is.

It seems soo odd that I'd actually be wondering if he is actually meeting these people he says he is. I mean, why always do so last minute so you are guaranteed not to be able to come.

One way of knowing for sure if to act as though you can go, get ready, pretend you are waiting for sitter and see if he mysteriously cancels the evening once he thinks you are going with him.

@Bookworm20

So all these meet ups are last minute? So his friends and partners can always manage last minute meet ups? I find that extremely odd given the fact you mention they have children. most people I know need a bit of notice to sort childcare/work/other social commitments, its rare our friends can just go out every time at the drop of a hat.

so yes, the fact hes telling you last minute wood leave me to believe that some of these are likely planned at least a bit of time in advance. But hes telling you last minute so you can't go.

I understand going out separately on occasion, but its every time? Thats really not on.

He should be making an effort to have your included, that's what I find strange.

Do you have any childcare at all for your DC? Would it be worth going through an agency who often have people qualified to take care of dc with needs, and try and get dc accustomed to one or two of these people, and perhaps next time hopefully one will then be free to baby-sit at short notice.

Also, next time it happens, I'd just say to DH, oh great, I have a sitter so I'll come with you this time! (even if you don't) And see what his reaction is.

It seems soo odd that I'd actually be wondering if he is actually meeting these people he says he is. I mean, why always do so last minute so you are guaranteed not to be able to come.

One way of knowing for sure if to act as though you can go, get ready, pretend you are waiting for sitter and see if he mysteriously cancels the evening once he thinks you are going with him.

Everyone always mentions these agencies that specialise in kids with SEN whenever a parent of a disabled child posts on here.

Let me tell you that they do not exist. Unless, perhaps, you live in London. Otherwise they are not a thing.

I am friends with many parents of SEN kids from my DC's schools and we never go out, none of us. And don't suggest we look after each other's kids because if that even were a possibility do you think we haven't considered it?

@theqentity has he said he'll make sure you're invited next time?

If he genuinely hadn't considered it, he'll make a conscious effort now won't he?

Ah ok, for some reason I was thinking London, Probably because of going out in the city mention, my brain just clicked to London.

Its just you said it was hard to get childcare last minute, so wondering if you COULD get childcare, just that it needed more time.

I think it is really odd that he will happily socialize with his friends wives and children but not his own. He's putting obstacles in the way (telling you last minute) so he is obviously doing it on purpose

My DH hasn't met any of my friends partners, because we have separate social circles. It doesn't bother him in the slightest.
We also have a dd with additional needs, and I am not ashamed or embarrassed of her, yet I also wouldn't take her to a restaurant for a meal with friends. It's not an environment she'd enjoy, and would just be stressful for all of us.
Have you ever told him it bothered you before now? If he genuinely hadn't thought of it, then hopefully now he'll consider your feelings when arranging things in the future.

I wonder if you have just got in a rut where you don't go so he doesn't think to ask you. Normal I suspect if getting a babysitter is more difficult than for others. Why don't you just say that you would like to come next time so can he give you a bit of notice to arrange a sitter.

He’s behaving badly though it’s easy to see the appeal of a night in a nice restaurant with adult only company.

Maybe you could start by inviting a friend of his and their wife/ children over for a cup of tea/ early supper or something very informal? Or meet at a child friendly venue to see how it goes. If it’s successful and you like these people then you’ve got to try and figure out a way of very occasionally finding a childcare solution which I know isn’t easy.

Does your DC or that of friends fo to a specialist setting for nursery or school? Some members of staff might be willing to babysit. A friend who has a child with SN used his allowances to pay for a regular respite carer who has become a great friend.

Anyway YANBU and your DH needs to work with you to find a solution. In the meantime books a nice bar and restaurant for yourself and some mates and have a good time.