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Original poster

Changing surname and children's after marriage

53 replies

TulipVictory · 18/01/2022 12:35

I got married last year. Me and my husband have been together years with three kids. All three have my surname although they are his. I have just called the registry office to enquire about changing their surname to his but I'm struggling. I'm still using my maiden name at present (I also prefer my maiden name to be honest).

I'm struggling with the whole concept of changing my name. I feel like it's my identity. My husband would like me to change my name as he wants the whole family to have the same surname as he says he feels like the outsider and that people think he's the step-Dad. If it wasn't for the children, I would probably just keep my original name. I know I don't really have any other options as it would be nice for us all to have the same family name but I just feel like it's not me. I keep putting it off, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2022 12:35

Seems like it’d be easier for him to change his name to yours; would he do that?

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 18/01/2022 12:36

He can change his name if he's that bothered about you all matching.

Thehop · 18/01/2022 12:37

My dad changed his name to match my mum and us.

I have a friend who married an Egyptian man and they chose a new married name together and both changed.

You could also double barrel the kids and keep your own.

KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 12:40

He can change his name if its that important to him

Sausagesausagesausage · 18/01/2022 12:41

He can change his then can't he?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/01/2022 12:41

Why do 4 of you have to change your surnames to match 20% of the family unit?

He changes. Or you double-barrel.

rainyskylight · 18/01/2022 12:41

Seems a whole lot easier if he changes his name. If he says it would feel weird to have a different surname, you can say that’s exactly how you feel about it.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/01/2022 12:42

Add his name as a middle name for the kids, or as a double barrell?

DistrictCommissioner · 18/01/2022 12:42

Yep he changes his name.

I could never change my name so I sympathise with you. It’s just not something that feels right for me.

HollaHolla · 18/01/2022 12:45

Why can't he just change his name? There's 4 of you with 1 name, and 1 with another. Makes more sense.
Or is he tied down in the misogyny of it all, and wants to own you all?

Puppyseahorse · 18/01/2022 12:47

I think it’s unreasonable of him to want to change the kids’ names at this point. How confusing for them.

The clear solution to the problem he’s identified is to change his own name.

The most I would concede here is DB, with your name first.

RogerDodger · 18/01/2022 12:49

Makes far more sense for 1 person to change their name than 4 people. It should be him as he is the one who wants to have the same name as his children.

BarkminsterBlue · 18/01/2022 12:49

Surely simplest for him to change his name, or at least double-barrel. He doesn’t even need a deed poll. The marriage certificate is evidence enough.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/01/2022 12:52

I’ll echo everyone else: he gets to change his surname.

SummerHouse · 18/01/2022 12:54

What other option could there possibly be??? Pleased to meet you MrVictory

TellMeItsPossible · 18/01/2022 12:58

Of course he could always change his name.

As someone who unthinkingly changed her name at marriage years ago and then subsequently changed it back, the hassle is pricey and significant. It isn't worth it either way.

GreenerGrass103 · 18/01/2022 12:59

I'm in exactly the same scenario. Had kids then got married. Kids have my surname (that was a non negotiable for me). I thought I would change my name after we got married but I haven't. Why should I?! My DH isn't bothered. I don't expect him to change his name and vice versa. He could double barrel if he was bothered about having different names, but no way would I be changing the kids and my name just to suit him!!

Just because it was common place in the past doesn't mean YOU have to do it now. Times are changing, women no longer get 'given' to men. You don't belong to him so you don't have to change your name if you don't want to. It's a choice. Don't let him play the 'tradition' card either.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 18/01/2022 13:05

You need a deed poll to change the names of the kids legally, so it’s easier for your partner to change his name than change the kids names.

GreenerGrass103 · 18/01/2022 13:05

I know I don't really have any other options as it would be nice for us all to have the same family name

Plenty of Options:

  • you keep your surname, kids keep theirs, DH changes his to yours.
  • you all change name to something completely different
  • you all double barrel your surnames
  • remain as you are.

Plenty of women keep their surnames these days and the kids take the mums name. It's not unusual at all.

What does your DH think of changing his name?

FelicityPike · 18/01/2022 13:10

He changes his name.

Justwingingit2005 · 18/01/2022 13:13

We had our kids before we were married.
I didn't realise we needed to re register them after marriage. I was told its a legal requirement to reregister them even if the names remain the same

GrumpyPanda · 18/01/2022 13:51

Another vote for oartner to change his name.

Thoosa · 18/01/2022 14:02

I was on the same situation. I couldn’t. Not my name, not the DC’s. I did think about it (because nobody would shut TF up about it), but it would have felt too much like all those horrible ideas like “he’d made an honest woman of me (and the kids?)” or “now you’re a proper family” or “you must reregister the DC to legitismise^ them” and any of the other scary batshittery that poured forth.

Had he fuck made anything of me.
Were we fuck not already a proper family.
Was there the fuck anything ‘illegitimate’ about the DC in the first place.

Most of all my name was way better and I wasn’t going to randomly change the DCs’ identity midstream.

Refuse to play this parochial crappy game.

It makes no sense at all.

Alonelonelyloner · 18/01/2022 14:05

So he changes his name. It's what my husband did. It is easiest for everyone.
If he has issues with this I'd have serious concerns about what a twat I was marrying.

hangrylady · 18/01/2022 14:33

@TulipVictory

I got married last year. Me and my husband have been together years with three kids. All three have my surname although they are his. I have just called the registry office to enquire about changing their surname to his but I'm struggling. I'm still using my maiden name at present (I also prefer my maiden name to be honest).

I'm struggling with the whole concept of changing my name. I feel like it's my identity. My husband would like me to change my name as he wants the whole family to have the same surname as he says he feels like the outsider and that people think he's the step-Dad. If it wasn't for the children, I would probably just keep my original name. I know I don't really have any other options as it would be nice for us all to have the same family name but I just feel like it's not me. I keep putting it off, am I being unreasonable?

He can change his then. Or double barrell it why should everyone else change their name?