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Original poster

Changing surname and children's after marriage

53 replies

TulipVictory · 18/01/2022 12:35

I got married last year. Me and my husband have been together years with three kids. All three have my surname although they are his. I have just called the registry office to enquire about changing their surname to his but I'm struggling. I'm still using my maiden name at present (I also prefer my maiden name to be honest).

I'm struggling with the whole concept of changing my name. I feel like it's my identity. My husband would like me to change my name as he wants the whole family to have the same surname as he says he feels like the outsider and that people think he's the step-Dad. If it wasn't for the children, I would probably just keep my original name. I know I don't really have any other options as it would be nice for us all to have the same family name but I just feel like it's not me. I keep putting it off, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 18/01/2022 14:35

The family already do have the same surname except for him . Why doesn’t he change his?

Original poster
TulipVictory · 18/01/2022 20:58

Wow thanks for all the responses, they were not what I was expecting at all! I don't think he'd be open to changing his name to mine.

When I was pregnant with our first child, he wanted them to have our surname. I said no because I didn't want another name and I was carrying/birthing the child. I promised we would take his name after we'd gotten married 😬

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 18/01/2022 21:06

How old are your kids?
The oldest can’t be tiny if you have 3. Old enough to know their surname.
So that’s a nice message to send to them about the subservience of women. Don’t come out with any “tradition” nonsense, because no locks is it traditional to have 3 kids before you’re married then change their name when you are. All that tells kids is that the woman’s name is less important.

Tell him to change his.
Or he can suck it up with different names.
Or double barrel.

I never changed my surname when married and chose to give my child her dad’s family name. It’s unusual, nicer than mine, easier spelling and sounded better with the first name I chose. She’s 15 now, not once have I ever been mistaken for her stepmother - and I wouldn’t give a shit if I was.

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/01/2022 21:20

Tell him to change his! My neighbour did this.

RedToothBrush · 18/01/2022 21:21

Oh wow, so he feels insecure so you ALL have change your names to suit him so he can feel like you all belong to him?

And he's not given a thought to how that affects your identities?

He is a prize.

You need to spell it out in these terms to show it from your point of view and say if its that important then you change your name to my surname.

If he then rabbits on about his identity, you have the perfect 'gotcha' in terms of what his expectations of the 4 of you are.

If this really bothered him, he should have raised it years ago. Not after three kids. That ship has sailed.

It would be a flat no from me and he can sulk all he likes.

Fwiw I don't share the same surname as either DS or DH. I've never felt like an outsider.

Tell him to address his male insecurities and get with 2022.

RogerDodger · 18/01/2022 21:21

I don't think he'd be open to changing his name to mine.

What’s good for the goose….

There’s no need for you to be open to changing yours or the DCs names then.

TracyMosby · 18/01/2022 21:23

I don't think he'd be open to changing his name to mine
How ridiculous.

BeaLola · 18/01/2022 21:25

@TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet

You need a deed poll to change the names of the kids legally, so it’s easier for your partner to change his name than change the kids names.
No - I understand that if natural parents of child go onto marry they can re register child and as part of that process surname can be changed
TracyMosby · 18/01/2022 21:34

No - I understand that if natural parents of child go onto marry they can re register child and as part of that process surname can be changed
Isnt that up until the child turns one?

arghdilema · 18/01/2022 21:35

How do your children feel about changing their name?

As a side note for others it's very easy to change a child's name after the biological parents marry - you fill out a form and the registry office completely re register the birth with the new name.

coffy11 · 18/01/2022 21:38

Changing yours and the kids name to his is a stupid sexist tradition. Please don't do it. He can very easily change his name to yours.

Bythebeach · 18/01/2022 21:51

Seems a lot simpler for one person to change their name (him!) than four!!!

My 3 sons have my maiden name. My husband was happy either way. We’ve double barrelled our names but didn’t want the kids’ surname to be double barrelled as felt it was too onerous.

Skeumorph · 18/01/2022 22:14

No, if it's important to him that you all have the same name he changes his.

BeaLola · 18/01/2022 22:15

@TracyMosby

No - I understand that if natural parents of child go onto marry they can re register child and as part of that process surname can be changed Isnt that up until the child turns one?
No I think you can do it at any point after you marry - you could be marrying 10+ years after child born but there is something about changing surname (not that you have to ) if child is now an adult

My friends parents did her and her sister when they married after 30 years together

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 08:55

Why don't you double barrel? Why wouldn't he change his name yet he expects you to?

BridStar · 19/01/2022 09:00

You can't change your kids' names now, they're not housepets. This should have been thought about before. Do what you want with yours, but if he was so determined to have a family name and the same name as the children, he should have considered marriage before them.

He can change to yours if he's that bothered.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/01/2022 09:07

Yep he should change his name if he's sufficiently fussed about it and you're not.

Not up to you do do it purely because that's how its always been done.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2022 09:08

I don't think he'd be open to changing his name to mine.

Then ask him why he thinks you should change yours.

If you don't want to change yours then don't. Maybe discuss other options such as a new family name for everyone (double barrelled or composition or something entirely new)?

PicaK · 19/01/2022 09:39

Don't change or he changes. Simples.
Otoh you made a promise. So an apology for changing your mind is maybe in order.
Still don't change though

Forrandomposts · 19/01/2022 10:02

op COME ON! If he's not even open to changing his name to yours, why on earth would you change everyones names to his?! madness.

Ikeptgoing · 19/01/2022 10:07

Despite the promise, probably made at a time you were feeling quite vulnerable with newborn, I don't think you should do anything as you don't actually want to

If he wanted you to all have same name he should have married you before you had the DCs

You've married later, the DCs and you already have an identity - your surname

You don't have to decide now. But I'd leave things as they are. You have different surnames. Meh.
I wouldn't use different surnames without changing by deed poll if I were you for DCs as will mess up their exam history and proving their ID later on otherwise. All their exams will be in their legal name. Tell him he can double barrel his name Grin

Farrandau · 19/01/2022 10:11

@BridStar

You can't change your kids' names now, they're not housepets. This should have been thought about before. Do what you want with yours, but if he was so determined to have a family name and the same name as the children, he should have considered marriage before them.

He can change to yours if he's that bothered.

Exactly. The children are not accessories being altered to fit depending on their parents’ marital status.

I have zero patience with the ‘All the family needs to have the same surname’ approach, when that means ‘All the family needs to have the husband/father’s surname.’ I’ve yet to see a woman throwing her weight around because the rest of her family didn’t start using her surname.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 10:13

Change kids and hyphenate yours?

draramallama · 19/01/2022 10:18

@RogerDodger

I don't think he'd be open to changing his name to mine.

What’s good for the goose….

There’s no need for you to be open to changing yours or the DCs names then.

Exactly.

I don't think it's fair or right to change the children's names and disrupt their identities for the sake of his ego.

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 10:19

Change kids and hyphenate yours?

Why?

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