physical fight with husband while pregnant

[HA22]

Hi all, I am coming on here for advice.
I am in my early twenties and have been married for just over a year. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Since September my marriage has been very awful and caused me loads of misery and distress. My husband shows me little to no comfort, constantly shouting at me, tells me its not his job to comfort me or be nice to me, ignores me when I am crying or visibly upset. He also gets annoyed every time I mention I am either upset or in pain as oppose to showing care or concern.

We live with his parents and i agreed to live with his parents before we got married. I did not know I was going to feel this uncomfortable at home. I feel like we have no privacy, we are in our room 95% of the time we are at home except eating and using the bathroom. I can't dress how I would like, can't cook what I can comfortable and just generally feel like I am trapped. I have expressed to him on multiple! occasions that I am beyond unhappy, constantly crying and want to move out as quickly as possible. I hate waking up, I hate going home after work and I am always avoiding being at home (so going to see my family whenever I can).
His father is very childish, stubborn and immensely controlling. He is also 'upset' at me for seeing my friend who gave birth after he told me to not go. I went anyways and he still doesn't speak to me, closes the door to whichever room he is in if I walk past and on one occasion refused to open the front door for me at night when the key was left in. My husband has convinced me that I am very emotional and have always been 'depressed' even before we got married and every time I cry or I am in pain, it is purely because of me. He has no ambition and no sense of showing any responsibility (just wants to play on his console and play football).

I have tired to talk to him and convince him to move out in multiple ways. His excuse is that his parents are old and need his care (they are both in their 50's and fighting fit and do more for him than he does for them). I told him we can find somewhere within a 5 minute drive, he can see them every evening and even stay over on the weekends, he doesn't need to pay any bills for our place because his is already paying all the household bills for his parents house (they are on benefits). but none of this has swayed him. Before I got pregnant he promised me that we would move out and he will start treating me better. If anything he has treated me worse.

On saturday, we went for a drive while upset and an argument started because i asked to say something nice to me when I was upset and he said he can't be nice to me when im like this (visibly upset) and that I am difficult and hard to be nice to. We started shouting at each other and I hit him first (like a backhand to the face) he reacted by punching, scratching and pulling my hair. It was all over in 30 seconds when he left the car. I went straight to my nans house who told me to report this as I am pregnant and yesterday I went to the house and collected all my items and have moved into my nans temporarily until I find a place. I have a good job, savings, a car etc so I have no issue relying on him or not being independent etc

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)

I also want to add that he is so nice and calm to everyone except for me. He is not always horrible and when he is nice, he is so lovely and caring etc

You are not in the wrong. Move on with your life. You are only in your twenties and can start a new and better life.

Firstly, congratulations on leaving this abusive SOB.

Please pleased please do not go back to him. He will tell you he'll change, he'll say it was all your fault - if you'd just done x then it wouldn't happen.... This is all the language of an abuser.

Consider contacting the police. What he's been doing to you - all of it, the violence, the controlling behaviour, the threats - is illegal and he should be held to account for it. Tell your midwife.

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

And do NOT forgive him. He's shown you who he is and what he's made of while you were at your most vulnerable. Now you're away from him, safe and independent, he'll try to get you back where he can control you.

You’ve both been physically violent and abusing to each other. He is emotionally abusive to you. Why the utter fuck are you asking if you should forgive him?

Divorce him, arrange custody of the child (he will try and get 100% in betting). Protect your child the best you can.

It’s unacceptable that he’s horrible to you. It’s also unacceptable that you hit him in the face, of course, but the fact that you did that isn’t really relevant to the wider situation. This isn’t about that one fight, it’s about the entire situation.

I’m really confused as to why you married him and wanted to have children with him in the first place, but it’s abundantly clear that he is absolutely not the man for you and you should leave.

Why are you staying in this abusive relationship? You need to move on and focus on your pregnancy.

You need to stay separated. You can report to police but you'd need to report that you hit him first surely? I don't agree with violence from either sex so I'm not going to say you're in the right there. You shouldn't be putting your hands on anyone.
Move on for the safety of all involved, especially the poor baby who didn't ask to be created in these circumstances.

You need to leave. You can’t bring a child into this situation and they would be better without him.

Sounds like you are both pretty toxic to be honest.

Get some therapy,as much as possible before baby arrives.

Find a quiet place to live. Do not get back with him. Keep working. Set up a nice home. Therapy.

Seriously do not try and analyse what you could do make him change. He is who he is, and who he is is awful

Stay separated and begin divorce proceedings .

@HA22

I also want to add that he is so nice and calm to everyone except for me. He is not always horrible and when he is nice, he is so lovely and caring etc

Which shows that treating you badly is a choice.

Showering you with gifts wouldn't change anything. It would be a mistake to go back to someone who has so consistently treated you badly.

Does it actually matter the why's and how's, he's shown his true colours, run and don't look back !

Jesus, what a nasty, abusive man. I'm not a fan of the old "LTB" but in this case you should absolutely LTB.

Well done on taking that first step re: moving in with your nan. He's not worth your time. What would you say to a friend who was going through the same thing?

Keep us updated with what goes on. Good luck!

Unless it's a cultural thing, this is quite a weird set up. Why on earth did you agree with it? In all honesty I don't see it improving as long as you stay there. It might not if you move out but it definitely won't if you stay. Is this the life you want with your new child, being brought up how your in laws see fit rather than you?

Move out now, could you go back to your parents?

Do you want the baby?

Draw a line under this argument. The marriage wasn’t working before it. Start divorce proceedings and stay with your nan until you get on your feet. And no, being temporarily nice to you or buying you things is not a reason to get back into this toxic relationship. I can’t believe you even need to ask this.

Focus on yourself and the baby for now.

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Because he's a dick
Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
This was a really bad decision on your part, but you're not in the wrong for making it, and don't deserve to be mistreated nor should you be expected just to suck it up
Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
No, he hit you back. But you really were wrong for lashing out and hitting him. I don't honk it's fair of anyone to expect someone to hold their temper and not hit out if they can't keep control of their own temper and behaviour. However, you're in a really shit situation and as much as I don't agree with you hitting out first I can also completely understand why you're at the end of your tether
What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
Stay the absolute fuck away from him and his family. You are seriously better off without them.
Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)
Not in a million fucking years.

I think this is a cultural thing tbh. I suspect the immaturity of all parties has led to this situation. Why on earth agree it’s a good idea to move in with his parents and then even worse get pregnant? I am sorry to sound harsh but why do some women make these awful decisions time and time again and then wring their hands over the consequences of their own decision making.

Definitely don’t go back but somehow I think you will.

Was he like this before you got married to him? His family sound awful people you don't want your child around.
Stay at your nan's and don't even think of going back,report him to The Police & admit that you also hut him The Police have experienced Officers who are trained in Coercive Controlling partners and they will help you no end.
Don't have any contact with him or accept any apologies from him he will never change.Good luck to you

He treats you like this as he doesn't love you. That was apparant from your very first paragraph. You don't treat someone you love with such contempt. Most people wouldn't treat anyone the way he treats you.

It's doesn't really matter who hit who first. This is now a violent relationship and there's no coming back from that. It's over.

So now you need to focus on building a future for yourself and your baby without this man. Stay at your nan's and file for divorce.

Congratulations on moving in with your Nan.

With time out of this weird, unpleasant atmosphere and dynamic you'll recognise how unfair it was.

He doesn't love you, that's why he behaves like this. Marriage isn't giving him what he wanted.

As for forgiving him...he hasn't asked you to.

Are you from an ethnic background by any chance?
The way you are living sounds unbearable.
I was in a seriously abusive relationship so the fight itself doesn't sound very serious, also you were the one who started being physical so you don't really have grounds to report this to police at all.
You do need to give your husband an ultimatum though, that you will not live with him at his parents home any longer.

I know some may see it as controversial and I'm not trying to be, but if you want to think about your options regarding this pregnancy, you need some proper, solid advice and counselling ASAP. You could consider contacting:

www.sexwise.org.uk/unplanned-pregnancy/pregnant-and-dont-know-what-do

www.bpas.org/about-our-charity/

www.msichoices.org/

It also goes without saying that you cannot continue to be in a relationship with this man.

@madisonbridges

Unless it's a cultural thing, this is quite a weird set up. Why on earth did you agree with it? In all honesty I don't see it improving as long as you stay there. It might not if you move out but it definitely won't if you stay. Is this the life you want with your new child, being brought up how your in laws see fit rather than you?

@madisonbridges - guessing this is Muslim/Hindu/Sikh.

I've spoken to the MIL (family friend) who's a Sikh and though she can be lovely I'm not sure I'd want her as a MIL and be living there! I think her eldest son and his DW and DC still live with her but they have a huge house. Youngest son moved out.

Please move out OP by the way, the stress is not good for you or the baby.