physical fight with husband while pregnant

[HA22]

Hi all, I am coming on here for advice.
I am in my early twenties and have been married for just over a year. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Since September my marriage has been very awful and caused me loads of misery and distress. My husband shows me little to no comfort, constantly shouting at me, tells me its not his job to comfort me or be nice to me, ignores me when I am crying or visibly upset. He also gets annoyed every time I mention I am either upset or in pain as oppose to showing care or concern.

We live with his parents and i agreed to live with his parents before we got married. I did not know I was going to feel this uncomfortable at home. I feel like we have no privacy, we are in our room 95% of the time we are at home except eating and using the bathroom. I can't dress how I would like, can't cook what I can comfortable and just generally feel like I am trapped. I have expressed to him on multiple! occasions that I am beyond unhappy, constantly crying and want to move out as quickly as possible. I hate waking up, I hate going home after work and I am always avoiding being at home (so going to see my family whenever I can).
His father is very childish, stubborn and immensely controlling. He is also 'upset' at me for seeing my friend who gave birth after he told me to not go. I went anyways and he still doesn't speak to me, closes the door to whichever room he is in if I walk past and on one occasion refused to open the front door for me at night when the key was left in. My husband has convinced me that I am very emotional and have always been 'depressed' even before we got married and every time I cry or I am in pain, it is purely because of me. He has no ambition and no sense of showing any responsibility (just wants to play on his console and play football).

I have tired to talk to him and convince him to move out in multiple ways. His excuse is that his parents are old and need his care (they are both in their 50's and fighting fit and do more for him than he does for them). I told him we can find somewhere within a 5 minute drive, he can see them every evening and even stay over on the weekends, he doesn't need to pay any bills for our place because his is already paying all the household bills for his parents house (they are on benefits). but none of this has swayed him. Before I got pregnant he promised me that we would move out and he will start treating me better. If anything he has treated me worse.

On saturday, we went for a drive while upset and an argument started because i asked to say something nice to me when I was upset and he said he can't be nice to me when im like this (visibly upset) and that I am difficult and hard to be nice to. We started shouting at each other and I hit him first (like a backhand to the face) he reacted by punching, scratching and pulling my hair. It was all over in 30 seconds when he left the car. I went straight to my nans house who told me to report this as I am pregnant and yesterday I went to the house and collected all my items and have moved into my nans temporarily until I find a place. I have a good job, savings, a car etc so I have no issue relying on him or not being independent etc

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)

Poor you, he and his family sound awful. Well done for getting out the house and going to your nan's, she sounds lovely. Maybe ask her advice about the pregnancy? In your position I'd terminate and be free of the lot of them, but you've decided to keep the baby so I'm wishing you lots of luck. IMO he won't bother trying to win you back with gifts and soft words, but if he tries, stay strong!

There is no gift or display of love that can make this acceptable. If he does start buying you gifts, showing you love, turning on the charm, etc, it’s a trick designed to make you stay, and next time his abuse will be worse, because he’s pushed your boundary and discovered you’ll tolerate XYZ behaviour. Abusers aren’t abusive all the time: they’ll lure you in with charm and turn on the charm any time it seems like you’ll leave.

Please OP, stay strong and don't go back. He'll never change - if anything this is likely to get much worse once your child is here. For your and your child's sake, begin divorce proceedings. You are young enough to move on and thankfully the baby will not be damaged growing up in an abusive home. Strength and good luck to you

its not normal to be horrible to people whether you hit him first is not the point. he shoukd have been the bigger person and not attcked a pregnant lady, obviously your wrong for hitting him but doesnt excuse his abuse.

If you have reported it the police will inform your midwife and social services. They will be able to offer you support and point you in the direction of services.

If you go back to him it may be that social services becomes more involved in your case because of a baby being brought into a DV situation.

Run op, just run.

He is violent

He has no money

He is horrible to you

He lays around all day

He lives with family and won't move out

He sounds like an absolute PIG of a man. Why did you marry him?

On reading this I think your marriage is over.

Should you stay together there may be good days - but sadly not very day.

6 of one/half a dozen of the other ……who knows …..but it isn’t working.

Stay there and I think you’d effectively end up being a single parent with a husband and his parents.

Was your pregnancy intended to produce a bandage baby, hoping that a child will produce the ideal relationship?

Now that you are out of the house you're in a safer place to decide what you want and need.

All the best.

Get out. Can you imagine the life your baby will have, seeing both parents physically violent to each other? And the toxic environment the child will grow up in?

And FYI - 50s is not old. They're younger than me. If they don't have disabilities they are perfectly capable of supporting themselves.

You have YEARS of this shit ahead of you and your baby ... if you stay.

It's all in your hands what happens next.

Is the pregnancy planned and wanted? 12 weeks is very early so I would say consider very carefully all of your options and if you want to have a lifetime link to this man which a child will be. There is no shame in not continuing the pregnancy if that is the right choice for you. But if you do continue it, even if you do not name him on the birth certificate because you are married he will have parental responsibility. Please don't go back. You will be so immensely unhappy and unsafe. It is very typical for abuse to start or escalate during a pregnancy and it isn't your fault.

You must leave him. If he'll do this when you're carrying his child what will he do when you're not in such a vulnerable position?

This is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Stay with your grandmother until you have a secure place to live. Not with him. Don't go back to him. It sounds like he is miserable all round to live with. You shouldn't have hit him, but it also in no ways excuses what he did to you. It sounds like he was looking for a reason to attack you.

Please, please do stay away from him.

Pps are right, it won’t ever get better. In fact it will almost certainly get worse, especially if you go back after the first physical incident. It’ll be a marker in the sand that you consider kt absolutely fine for him to hit you if you return.

Pps are right - it’s much easier to leave now then when you’ve had a child.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’m glad someone mentioned this excellent book. Definitely read this.

Also - the fact you hit him first doesn’t excuse him - the only excuse for hitting someone is self defence, which is quite narrowly defined. It would have to have been the only thing he could do to stop an attack, not in retaliation.

Just came on to say 'Brava' to you for ending that post with leaving him! Keep it that way OP, please. Your life will be infinitely better.

It's not a healthy relationship. Stay away from him.

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Because he's an emotionally stunted manchild? Whatever the reason, it's about him, not you.

Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
Misguided maybe but we all make mistakes.

Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
It's not about acting the victim. You were both aggressive and irresponsible, you taking responsibility for your part does not excuse his behaviour.

What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
Let your midwife know.
(Assuming you're UK based)
Change address or do a redirection of mail via Royal Mail
Set aside some money each month for solicitors fees in case you need legal assistance with access etc once baby is born
Check out the Child Maintenance Service so you know how much your partner will need to contribute
Contact local housing if you think you might qualify for subsidised housing, although the wait is likely to be horrific. Shelter are really great at giving advice too if necessary.
Get on www.entitledto.co.uk - it's a calculator that will tell you what benefits you are entitled to and how to apply (eg tax credits, housing benefit, child benefit etc)

Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)
No

YABVU to bring a child into an abusive relationship on both sides and an abusive family, whether you live together or not you won't be able to control what happens to your child into adulthood as you co parent and you absolutely do not know that he will treat your child well, or his parents. Reconsider your pregnancy.

You need to stop worrying about ‘why he is like this’ the reasons will make no difference, you can’t fix him and he will never be the husband you want him to be. You need to concentrate on the baby and you.

I’m glad you have moved out and are now with your Nan, the situation you were in sounded awful and not a safe place to be bringing a baby into. This man doesn’t love you and neither do his family, they just want to control you. What ever you do, do not go back to him.

I don’t understand how you have the confidence or optimism to bring a baby into the world.

You’re about to step into a huge trap. You will never get away from him if you have the baby.

@CatJumperTwat

I am determined to separate from him forever and start getting a divorce once the dust has started settling etc. I do plan on keeping this child as much as I dislike the father and the treatment I've received from him, I am not worried for how he will treat this child (if that makes sense).

That's great, but you also matter. Having this baby will tie you to this man and his family for the rest of your life. They will always have a measure of financial and emotional control over you. They can drag you to court as many times as they want. They can drip venom about you into your child's ear. That's going to damage both you and the hypothetical child, whether or not they actually beat him/her.

Please think REALLY carefully about ending the pregnancy.

This is exactly right, you won't be able to separate from him forever, and you won't be able to keep your child safe. Naive in the extreme to believe that you could. Do you think you'll be able to bravely go it alone, a new life free from them, just the two of you and that he and his parents won't want to have access to contact? That's a fantasy.

It’s brilliant you’ve left. Please stay away and divorce asap. It sounds as though you have not ever had a safe home so it’s going to be tough giving a safe home to your baby right now. Do please get some therapy.

Please also be aware your baby will not be a baby for long. They become demanding toddlers and defiant teens. You know how your husband is weirdly attached to his father? This is what you’re going to be dealing with forever. His odd family influencing your child. He had poor role models and you are permanently attaching yourself and your child to him.

I really would consider your options. You’re young. You can sort yourself out and have a baby with a better man some time in the future.

I agree with PP who are saying to think very carefully about having this baby. Obviously if you have religious/moral grounds against termination, no one is going to argue about that. But if you are contemplating keeping this baby simply because you want a child, you need to think twice, but think quickly. You are young and other children will happen. Children with someone who loves and treats you with respect.

If you have this child, not only will he be in your life forever, but his nasty parents will be a part of your child's life. Is that the sort of grandparents you want for your child? You cannot make a 'clean break' from any of these toxic people if you are tied to them by a child.

Your questions
guess the question is, why does he treat me like this? Because he’s immature, selfish and controlling.
Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them? No.
Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first? No. You’re not acting like a victim, you are a victim. His father is as controlling as he is ( where he learnt)
What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner? Be a single mum, you’re not the first, you won’t be the last. As you’re 12 weeks you could have the pregnancy terminated. Your body, your choice.
Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love) Don’t bother. He’ll always be controlling, his father is his role model.

I would NOT be having this man's baby and that horrible man's grandchild. It will tie you to this family forever and they will try to raise the child to be just like they are.

I'd get a termination and start afresh.