physical fight with husband while pregnant

[HA22]

Hi all, I am coming on here for advice.
I am in my early twenties and have been married for just over a year. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Since September my marriage has been very awful and caused me loads of misery and distress. My husband shows me little to no comfort, constantly shouting at me, tells me its not his job to comfort me or be nice to me, ignores me when I am crying or visibly upset. He also gets annoyed every time I mention I am either upset or in pain as oppose to showing care or concern.

We live with his parents and i agreed to live with his parents before we got married. I did not know I was going to feel this uncomfortable at home. I feel like we have no privacy, we are in our room 95% of the time we are at home except eating and using the bathroom. I can't dress how I would like, can't cook what I can comfortable and just generally feel like I am trapped. I have expressed to him on multiple! occasions that I am beyond unhappy, constantly crying and want to move out as quickly as possible. I hate waking up, I hate going home after work and I am always avoiding being at home (so going to see my family whenever I can).
His father is very childish, stubborn and immensely controlling. He is also 'upset' at me for seeing my friend who gave birth after he told me to not go. I went anyways and he still doesn't speak to me, closes the door to whichever room he is in if I walk past and on one occasion refused to open the front door for me at night when the key was left in. My husband has convinced me that I am very emotional and have always been 'depressed' even before we got married and every time I cry or I am in pain, it is purely because of me. He has no ambition and no sense of showing any responsibility (just wants to play on his console and play football).

I have tired to talk to him and convince him to move out in multiple ways. His excuse is that his parents are old and need his care (they are both in their 50's and fighting fit and do more for him than he does for them). I told him we can find somewhere within a 5 minute drive, he can see them every evening and even stay over on the weekends, he doesn't need to pay any bills for our place because his is already paying all the household bills for his parents house (they are on benefits). but none of this has swayed him. Before I got pregnant he promised me that we would move out and he will start treating me better. If anything he has treated me worse.

On saturday, we went for a drive while upset and an argument started because i asked to say something nice to me when I was upset and he said he can't be nice to me when im like this (visibly upset) and that I am difficult and hard to be nice to. We started shouting at each other and I hit him first (like a backhand to the face) he reacted by punching, scratching and pulling my hair. It was all over in 30 seconds when he left the car. I went straight to my nans house who told me to report this as I am pregnant and yesterday I went to the house and collected all my items and have moved into my nans temporarily until I find a place. I have a good job, savings, a car etc so I have no issue relying on him or not being independent etc

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)

Dear HA, I am so sorry your life has panned out this way, but relieved to see that you have a clear route back to your own independence.

That said - please don't feel offended, as this comes from concern - you are asking ALL the wrong questions.

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?
Nope.
The question is - why put up with the way he treats you for one minute longer?

Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?
No!
How were you to know in advance that 1) he & his family are intolerable, & 2) he would renege on his agreement to move out to your own place together?

Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?
Yes & no.
Stop acting the victim because you are not a victim. You are a smart young woman who knows she is in a bad situation, & has the resources & willpower to change it.
You know you shouldn't have hit him. And he should not have retaliated. But that is history now - don't dwell on it, just keep yourself away from the awful situation that made you lose your rag in the first place. You're not the only person who ever lashed out in frustration & misery - stop beating yourself up about it.

What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?
You do this:
moved into my nans temporarily until I find a place. I have a good job, savings, a car etc so I have no issue relying on him or not being independent etc
& that is ALL you need to do right now.
One step at a time ... so long as every one of them is in the opposite direction to your wet, nasty husband & his eejit parents.

Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)
No.
He is a liar who is constantly unpleasant to you.
Why would you condone that behaviour by sticking around for it?

Stay at your nan's (hurrah for good nans!) while you sort yourself out & do NOT return to this man. You need to put as much distance as possible between you, your baby & this family.
If you can manage to get a divorce before you have your baby, so much the better. Then you might be able to leave Ex off the birth certificate, which will give you much greater autonomy over your child's life.

You've got this, OP.
Keep your independence. The father of your baby is bad news, you don't need him around - all he does is make you feel awful about yourself, You cannot live like that. Focus on your career & impending motherhood, & count your lucky stars you are able to have got away, & can STAY away, from your STBeXH.

Don’t go back to him, the relationship is far too toxic for a baby to be brought into. Focus on the baby, get a divorce and get yourself on your feet. Don’t question why he treats you with contempt, the relationship is a lost cause, this man will never make you happy. Use your family for emotional support. You took a positive step by moving into your nan’s and confiding in your family about the situation. Please make sure you tell your midwife if you are worried his behaviour is going to be a problem in the future.

A lot going on here, none of it good. With the hitting, you hit him, he hit you back, crap reaction from both of you there.

I'm not blaming you or saying you should have to put up with it, but why on earth did you move in with his parents? And then if it was going badly get pregnant?

You said that if ye moved out he wouldn't have to pay bills as he already pays all the bills for his parents as they are on welfare. Well if you had planned on footing all the bills you can afford to have a place for you and the baby without him. Do you want to keep the baby?

He sounds very immature did you know him long before getting married? Did you live together before getting married?

I would not be going back to him.

@Franklin12

I think this is a cultural thing tbh. I suspect the immaturity of all parties has led to this situation. Why on earth agree it’s a good idea to move in with his parents and then even worse get pregnant? I am sorry to sound harsh but why do some women make these awful decisions time and time again and then wring their hands over the consequences of their own decision making.

Definitely don’t go back but somehow I think you will.

Bingo! Racism AND victim blaming in one short post!

Congratulation @Franklin12, you sound so cool & grown up ...

Are you from an ethnic background by any chance?

FFS.

Of course she is, @Twillow
So are you. So am I. So are the other 8 billion + humans on this planet.

What were you trying to contribute to the world with your post @Franklin12?

I mean, literally all of that is an absolute shitshow. He sounds utterly dreadful, living with his parents is a disaster and he's abusive to boot. This has snowballed out of control, and the one thing you'll need to do now is ensure you never get into this position again. Do not let men have power over you. Do not rely on them for money or housing. Do not stay with men who make you feel this bad about yourself. Relationships are supposed to be happy. This looks like sheer misery from the beginning.

That child will never be safe near this man.

There are organisations that will help you recognise patterns so you can avoid abusive relationships in future. Contact them.

@Franklin12 if no one has told you today you're a prick here it is. How dare you make such a snide comment.

@Yummypumpkin

Congratulations on moving in with your Nan.

With time out of this weird, unpleasant atmosphere and dynamic you'll recognise how unfair it was.

He doesn't love you, that's why he behaves like this. Marriage isn't giving him what he wanted.

As for forgiving him...he hasn't asked you to.

@Yummypumpkin and OP - well done for moving in with your nan - try and stay there.

For info, years ago family friend who was a Sikh lived with her DH and 2 young DSs. My mum became friends with her as the sons went to our school and the mum invited us round and it was appalling - the DH had lots of expensive electrical equipment and she had a kitchen with hardly anything in it apart from the basics. Over time things got worse and she spoke to her parents who said if she really wanted to divorce she could but they'd prefer for her to stay married. Basically they intervened, ensured she had what she wanted at her home, but also if she wanted to get a job (she ended up working in immigration) that she could do this (she had been to uni before and got a degree) and for him to be less bullying. I think her sons got their hair cut (they were being teased at school for having long hair). It was the making of her though as a woman.

If you want to end this marriage OP then you can, it'll be hard as probably you'll be told if Muslim it's under Sharia law so will be harder. That is rubbish.

Do you want to continue with the pregnancy?
You have an opportunity here for a second chance without him or his family making your life difficult for the next 18 years .

@handshigh

I know some may see it as controversial and I'm not trying to be, but if you want to think about your options regarding this pregnancy, you need some proper, solid advice and counselling ASAP. You could consider contacting:

www.sexwise.org.uk/unplanned-pregnancy/pregnant-and-dont-know-what-do

www.bpas.org/about-our-charity/

www.msichoices.org/

It also goes without saying that you cannot continue to be in a relationship with this man.

Agreed. At only 12 weeks I think you should be grateful you've got out in time to have options, and should consider your options very carefully. If you have the baby, you are either going to be struggling alone and the child will not know its father, or he and his family will have a way to abuse you for the next 18 years. You've seen their true colours and there is no way back.

Ahh op you literally sound like me. Your post resonates with me so much. Like you i am also early twenties, got pregnant and live with dps parents. All the feelings you are feeling are what i have and am still experiencing. Feel free to private message me if you want. It would be lovely to talk to someone who actually is going through the same thing

You've done the right thing by leaving. It doesn't matter who hit who. He's toxic. His parents are toxic. The relationship is toxic.

Speak to your midwife for advice. Don't go back. Live the life you want with your baby. You'll be just fine.

ODFO @Franklin12

OP, stay with your nana and start your separation. Get legal advice. Also want to (gently) remind you that you do have options and there is always room to be selfish now... If you don't want to be tied to this very abusive man and his awful family for years to come.

Hope you get the right help He will never change.

This is your chance to leave. If you don't leave now it will be considerably harder the more pregnant you are/once your baby is here. Don't be a fool and stay. You're young - get out.

I would really think hard about whether to continue with the pregnancy or not.

He's a PoS. Does it matter why? You've left, stay gone. Have a look at the Freedom Programme. Best of luck

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Twillow

Are you from an ethnic background by any chance? The way you are living sounds unbearable. I was in a seriously abusive relationship so the fight itself doesn't sound very serious, also you were the one who started being physical so you don't really have grounds to report this to police at all. You do need to give your husband an ultimatum though, that you will not live with him at his parents home any longer.

Everyone is from an ethnic background..

Don't go back whatever you do. You shouldn't think this treatment is acceptable at all. It isn't.
Sorry if I'm overstepping but in your shores I would seriously re consider the pregnancy. You will be stuck with this abusive man and his family for at least the next 18 years and it sounds like they will make yours (and by extension) your child's life hell. I couldn't put my future child through that.
It will not get better, he will beg you and promise to change, he will tell you if you weren't so emotional he wouldn't react this way (classic abuser) do not believe him because he will not change.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Read your post and pretend it was written by one of your friends. What would you say to her? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!

OP stop feeling that you are in any way responsible for your husband’s behaviour.
Millions of abused women can tell you that their partners’ behaviour changed after the men felt they were in control either after marriage or after the woman became pregnant. You are told it is YOUR behaviour that is responsible for the disharmony and you wrack your brains re how to please your man but he will make that impossible. You can never be right.
Imagine your situation when you are in discomfort in late pregnancy, or in pain with childbirth. You will just be expected to get on with it and not to bother him with your problems.
The men who think this way can never change as it part of their psychology.
Escape will you can. If you can bring yourself to accept a termination tell your in-laws it was a miscarriage.
When you feel ready find a decent partner who respects you and who you can trust.

To be honest, you both sound immature. It's clear the marriage isn't working. If I were you, I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy.

You do not need to continue with this pregnancy, not at 12 weeks.

Think very hard whether you want to be tied into this awful, abusive family for the rest of your life, whether you want your child to have this man as a father and his appalling parents as grandparents.

Think hard how it will be for you, having your child stay with them, be influenced by them, be told by them that you are awful.

Definitely report him to the police, stay with your nan, and really really think about whether continuing with this pregnancy is a good idea.

It is not you, it is them - they are utterly abusive.

@Franklin12

I think this is a cultural thing tbh. I suspect the immaturity of all parties has led to this situation. Why on earth agree it’s a good idea to move in with his parents and then even worse get pregnant? I am sorry to sound harsh but why do some women make these awful decisions time and time again and then wring their hands over the consequences of their own decision making.

Definitely don’t go back but somehow I think you will.

As you pointed out, it's probably a cultural thing. So not surprising where they live is it?

@HA22 Stay out. Stay with family while you get yourself straight and go and get legal advice asap. Then get the divorce started.

I have no idea how custody sharing would be organised, but for the first year you won't have to worry too much (hope you're planning to breastfeed)

Good luck

Glad to hear you are safe at your nan's. I'm sorry to hear you've been caught in this abusive situation with an abusive man and his abusive family.

I guess the question is, why does he treat me like this?

Because he's an abusive arsehole. Lundy Bancroft's 'why does he do that'? may be of use for more detail, if you like.

Am I in the wrong because I agreed to live with them?

No.

Should I stop acting like the victim because I hit him first?

Irrelevant. The relationship is dysfunctional, violent and abusive.

What can I do moving forward now that I am pregnant and not living with my partner?

Seek help from Women's aid, citizen's advice, and HMRC.

Is there any way I should forgive him? (e.g. if he started apologising, buying gifts, showing love)

No. None at all. This man will not change. He may well 'lovebomb' you, it's all part of an abusive dynamic.

Good luck, OP. You have your whole life ahead of you.