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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's sister smells

61 replies

SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:36

I know how that sounds and I feel awful for repeating it. I would appreciate some insight into what others think I should do here.

My sister in law came to our home last week and she was not close to me and I could smell her very bad breath, it was offensively bad and that is an understatement.

It smells like gum disease or something similar along the lines (as she has a couple of other times and I haven’t smelt it but it is the odd once or twice I am really starting to smell it more and more).

We were in my front room and it’s not the largest of sizes and I had to move to our larger kitchen area to get away from the smell. I felt awful.

Husband’s sister is in her early forties and she suffers with Williams Syndrome so it is not like I can mention it to her as she wouldn’t understand and her Mother (my mother in law) is her career who I don’t also feel I can mention it to her with fear of offending her!

The only person is my Husband but I don’t know how he would take it. I don’t know if MIL is just immune to the smell now!

It is not just bad breath but I can smell when she is clearly on her Aunt Flo and there is a very obvious smell of that around her. She is overweight and quite short so I don’t think it helps her Sad

I am sure my Husband is aware of it already as he has mentioned it to me once about a year or so ago but never again, I get the feeling he is embarrassed as it has gotten progressively worse.

She sometimes needs help to brush her teeth but even with help it’s not being done properly and she needs help to be bathed also otherwise she wouldn’t do it herself.

I know this sounds awful and I don’t mean to come across as spiteful or downright offensive Sad

I am so sorry if anyone takes this to offence but I am really wondering if I should mention something to my Husband here and as I’m conscious others may start to smell this also around her. AIBU here and should I just let this go?

OP posts:
AnotherSillawithanS · 18/01/2022 09:38

Say it with kindness.

Sundancerintherain · 18/01/2022 09:39

I would mention it to your husband as a health concern, she may need a dental hygienist visit to stop more problems .

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:39

@AnotherSillawithanS shall I mention it to Husband really gently?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/01/2022 09:39

There are medical conditions that cause bad breath, notably kidney failure. It would reasonable to tell your dh that a medical check up would be advisable.

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:40

@Sundancerintherain thanks. It's so difficult as it's quite a personal thing. DP has mentioned it to me once before so it's not new news I don't think

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:40

@endofthelinefinally thank you

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 18/01/2022 09:42

That sounds so difficult. I would definitely talk to your DH about it. Although it's awkward someone needs to have a sensitive yet honest conversation with your MIL about how she is managing with her caring role, ie does she now need help.
Hopefully someone knowledgeable / experienced will come along to advise more fully.

ANameChangeAgain · 18/01/2022 09:43

Agree with others, this isn't about you having a bitch, these are serious health and personal hygiene concerns. Go through your husband regarding oral health, but if she isn't changing her sanitary towels with some families its best if its more a woman to woman talk with your mil, if you can bare it.

Tal45 · 18/01/2022 09:43

Tell your DH from a point of concern - your MIL may be struggling to care for her, she may be refusing to have her teeth cleaned. Definitely mention it to your DH, it might be a sign that his DM is struggling if it is a recent thing.

GemmaRuby · 18/01/2022 09:44

Yes you should mention it to your husband. People with learning disabilities are much more likely to suffer from physical health problems because things aren’t picked up. SIL should also be entitled to an annual health check with her GP.

If your MIL is her only carer and is getting older herself she may be struggling with SIL’s personal care - do they get any other support?

poissonrouge1 · 18/01/2022 09:46

I don’t think you’re being offensive.

If she has a carer then I’m assuming that she needs help with daily tasks. Is it possible your MIL isn’t up to it anymore?

Mention it delicately to your husband

Tal45 · 18/01/2022 09:47

I think he needs to make sure DM is coping with caring though rather than you mentioning anything. Does DM get carers allowance? Does she get any outside support? It might be time to look into all this and get SS involved to help your mum. You also need to think about the future - what is going to happen to SIL when MIL dies for example?

GrannytoaUnicorn · 18/01/2022 09:48

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MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2022 09:48

I don’t know your relationship with MIL but personally I’d speak to her myself since it involves feminine hygiene.

‘MIL we’re in awe of what you are doing but I’m worried about Sarah as I’ve noticed she’s got a problem with her Breath and it could be quite serious. Has she had a hygienist appointment recently? Also though I hate to mention this it’s noticeable when she’s having her periods and I’d really hate for her to get any nasty remarks from anyone. If I/we can help in any way we’re here for you.’

MIL probably is fairly immune to the smell and is likely worn down with the care she’s providing. A carers assessment might be helpful to see if she can get any additional support. If she knows you are coming from a caring and supportive place she shouldn’t be offended.

Hollyhead · 18/01/2022 09:48

Was the bad breath smell like poo? A colleague had breath that smelt like actual salty poo and it turned out she had a tooth infection that needed root canal.

Coffeeandtats · 18/01/2022 09:50

Well I think it depends what your intent is. Are you offering to help with her care?
Or just asking that the smelly disabled person isn’t brought to your home anymore?

I would imagine your MIL is doing the best she can given the circumstances and has been doing it since your SIL was born, as a parent carer myself (although my child is only 5) it’s a hard, physically demanding job.

Mention it by all means but I’d be prepared for a bit of backlash if you don’t have any practical offerings of help.

Does your MIL have support? She may need a social services “needs assessment” I think they’re called, to gauge whether they can offer funding for paid carers.

There may be scope to get an OT to asses your sister in laws needs and maybe help with bathing or showering aids.

With the Aunt Flo smell, could you suggest period pants? I love mine and they are good at containing smells and easy to manage.

Your SIL should be under the community dentist who are more specialist/ accommodating of disabilities, there’s probably issues that come with her condition that pre dispose her to dental problems so it’s worth just seeing if she’s been referred maybe?

Gazelda · 18/01/2022 09:52

I think Matilda's suggested approach is kind and fair.

I don't know if it's a local thing, but there's a big emphasis on dental health for people with LD in our CCG/GP practices. Does she have regular reviews of her care and health needs?

Babdoc · 18/01/2022 09:53

She certainly needs a dental referral, OP. I used to anaesthetise a special needs dental list for my hospital’s community dental team, and the levels of gum disease and caries we found were horrific. It often took over 40 minutes just for the hygienist to scale and clean the teeth sufficiently for the dentist to start treatment.
And as PPs have said, perhaps MIL needs some help and input with daily caring.

SlashBeef · 18/01/2022 09:54

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emuloc · 18/01/2022 09:55

[quote SisterSister81]@AnotherSillawithanS shall I mention it to Husband really gently? [/quote]
What does this even mean? Are you not able to talk to your husband about things? It is not like he has not mentioned it himself before. Just talk to him!

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2022 09:57

I think it’s pretty important you encourage for her to have a doctor see her. William’s syndrome can cause particular health problems, which these could be signs of. It isn’t offensive to be concerned about that.

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:59

@CurbsideProphet MIL wouldn't let anyone touch her but I don't think she is doing enough of a good job now. I think she may need a career once a week to help her.

OP posts:
Restart10 · 18/01/2022 10:00

Agree with the others, talk to dh out of concern. It's very likely there is something else going on. MIL might just have become immune to it, so might not notice it anymore.

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:02

@GemmaRuby MIL is mid 60s and has no support, she doesn't ask for it and wouldn't accept it if it was offered to her. Only other career is DH's 85 year old grandma! (That MIL would only let her touch)

SIL goes to college a couple of times a week to help her mix with others that have the same condition but they don't clean them. She is also secretly eating at college and when she goes to town on the weekend so her weight is not going down.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 18/01/2022 10:05

Williams Syndrome can include heart issues and gum disease can cause bacteria to get into the blood stream, causing damage to the heart. I think gum issues are actually quite serious, especially if it is at the level you can smell it.

I once had to interview someone, in a tiny room, who clearly had advanced gum disease. I've never forgotten the smell. Felt very sad for them.