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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's sister smells

61 replies

SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 09:36

I know how that sounds and I feel awful for repeating it. I would appreciate some insight into what others think I should do here.

My sister in law came to our home last week and she was not close to me and I could smell her very bad breath, it was offensively bad and that is an understatement.

It smells like gum disease or something similar along the lines (as she has a couple of other times and I haven’t smelt it but it is the odd once or twice I am really starting to smell it more and more).

We were in my front room and it’s not the largest of sizes and I had to move to our larger kitchen area to get away from the smell. I felt awful.

Husband’s sister is in her early forties and she suffers with Williams Syndrome so it is not like I can mention it to her as she wouldn’t understand and her Mother (my mother in law) is her career who I don’t also feel I can mention it to her with fear of offending her!

The only person is my Husband but I don’t know how he would take it. I don’t know if MIL is just immune to the smell now!

It is not just bad breath but I can smell when she is clearly on her Aunt Flo and there is a very obvious smell of that around her. She is overweight and quite short so I don’t think it helps her Sad

I am sure my Husband is aware of it already as he has mentioned it to me once about a year or so ago but never again, I get the feeling he is embarrassed as it has gotten progressively worse.

She sometimes needs help to brush her teeth but even with help it’s not being done properly and she needs help to be bathed also otherwise she wouldn’t do it herself.

I know this sounds awful and I don’t mean to come across as spiteful or downright offensive Sad

I am so sorry if anyone takes this to offence but I am really wondering if I should mention something to my Husband here and as I’m conscious others may start to smell this also around her. AIBU here and should I just let this go?

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:06

@Tal45 honestly those are all questions that have racked my brains but never get discussed with me....

Me and DH have our own children and not a big enough house to look after her all the time which she needs (we both work full time busy jobs). Likely SIL would go to my husband's younger brother who has a bigger house up north but not sure if that is the case now as they have also started their own family. It is likely she would have to go into care.

SIL has a lovely boyfriend with similar condition but not as difficult to manage. He is independent and lives on his own local to us all (!!) and has a career go to see him a couple of times a week- my argument is she would be happy living with him and having a career check on them daily. He can also cook and clean. I have mentioned this before to MIL but she won't allow it.

OP posts:
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 18/01/2022 10:09

It sounds as if caring for her is getting too much for your MIL. Talk to your husband from that angle - what can be done to help MIL and make her life easier.

DillDanding · 18/01/2022 10:09

Just say it, sensitively, to your dh or mil.

But don’t ever say Aunt Flo GrinGrin

cookiemonster2468 · 18/01/2022 10:12

You need to mention it in terms of hygeine and care. She obviously can't brush her teeth on her own so it's more of an issue to talk to her carer about, talking to her will be pointless and just make her feel bad.

It does need addressing though - she's a vulnerable person and relies on other people to take care of this need for her. If that's not being done then really anyone in the family is responsible for bringing it up and seeing to it. You need to tell your husband and he should deal with it gently.

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:13

@Hollyhead yes it smells like that. It's not a 'rotting' smell it's very pooey.....

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:14

@DillDanding I'll mention it to DH tonight thank you. I think he is fully aware of it but nothing seems to be getting said.

If I said Aunt Flo to DH he would say 'who is that'?! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:16

@cookiemonster2468 she is extremely reliant on MIL. She is incontinent now too in terms of wee. I do worry a lot is being put on MIL but she doesn't accept help.

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/01/2022 10:17

If MIL is refusing to let anyone touch her, it's likely that she's not taking her to the dentist.
This is a really tricky one. I'm guessing that MIL/SIL doesnt't have a disability social worker? (DSW's are routinely allocated to people with learning disabilities and it's no reflection on their carers)

I'm also confused as to why you wouldn't have a conversation about this with your husband. Surely it's natural? Are you scared how he might respond?

Someone needs to have a gentle chat with MIL, and express that life is difficult enough for someone with Williams, and if she's smelling, people will avoid her at college. Also the health thing is important.

If this can be done in a supportive way "how can we help you to get her to the dentist/accept tooth brushing..." etc, it shouldn't be taken too badly amiss.

Justcallmebebes · 18/01/2022 10:18

Problems with teeth, heart problems (especially supravalvular aortic stenosis), and periods of high blood calcium are common.[2][3]

I just googled Williams Syndrome and as above, problems with teeth are a common symptom. Can you talk to your your MIL and Dh taking this approach?

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:20

@saraclara I don't think I've ever known her going to the dentist in the long time I've been with DH.

I am worried DH may be offended as he is protective of his sister. However if I was protective of my sister and knew she smelt I would be acting on this ASAP. There is a high chance people will be avoiding her.

I know he mentioned it to MIL a couple of years ago and all he was met with is 'we brush her teeth'. Clearly not working.

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 10:22

@Justcallmebebes yes that's correct. She also suffers with high blood pressure and acts on this a lot if we mention anything to her she will put on a fake 'stresses' act so we shut up and stop talking about things but they need to be spoken about.

OP posts:
Lancssss · 18/01/2022 10:34

I think you should suggest to your DH that for both his DS and DM’s sake he should ring social services and ask their advice. It definitely sounds like your MIL needs some support with looking after your SIL.
In my family my cousins who aren’t able to live independently without help, have both been supported to move into their own homes. Their parents are getting to the age where they wouldn’t manage for much longer and felt it was important that the move was made when they were young enough to be a big support in my cousins settling in. They see them a minimum of a few times a week, initially it was every day. It would be terrible if something happened to your MIL health wise that meant your SIL had to move. The stress of dealing with that at the same time as dealing with her DM being unwell or worse would be terrible for her.
I’m probably waffling, but hopefully you get my point.

BriansTail · 18/01/2022 10:52

Does she have a support worker or someone at college that you could contact and say that you're concerned that her hygiene is not being properly maintained?

ApolloandDaphne · 18/01/2022 11:00

She needs someone to advocate for her and it sounds like you may need to be that person. I think you need to put your fear of offending the family to one side and come at it from the point of view of being concerned for your Sils overall health. Speak to your DH but I would suggest being fairly blunt rather than gentle so he understands the concerns.

Frigginintheriggin · 18/01/2022 11:02

Im not sure where you are in the country but my dentist isn't doing NHS scale and polish treatments yet (because of covid) its been 2 years since I've had mine done because I don't have the funds to pay for private treatments (despite the dentist trying to foist a dental payment plan on me)....
This may be the reason for your SIL too?

Babdoc · 18/01/2022 11:14

Frigginintheriggin, dentists are doing scaling, but they have reverted to manual scaling to avoid generating potentially infectious aerosols. I have been getting my own teeth done every three months for the past year.

Embracelife · 18/01/2022 11:28

[quote SisterSister81]@Tal45 honestly those are all questions that have racked my brains but never get discussed with me....

Me and DH have our own children and not a big enough house to look after her all the time which she needs (we both work full time busy jobs). Likely SIL would go to my husband's younger brother who has a bigger house up north but not sure if that is the case now as they have also started their own family. It is likely she would have to go into care.

SIL has a lovely boyfriend with similar condition but not as difficult to manage. He is independent and lives on his own local to us all (!!) and has a career go to see him a couple of times a week- my argument is she would be happy living with him and having a career check on them daily. He can also cook and clean. I have mentioned this before to MIL but she won't allow it. [/quote]
The MIL is not doing this lady any favours
But sometimes it is hard for people to accept help and promote independence.

Encourage your dh to get ss adults with disabilities team involved.
To assess the lady and tge mil as carer
Maybe MIL receives her benefit s and would llose out financially if she moves out to supported living??
She maybe needs special needs community dentist
She should have annual gp check as adult with ld where these issues can be raised and checked
Hard conversation in the family about what happens when mil dies
What provision is being made?
And not sending the lady to live away from all she knows, does brother even want that?
Supported living nearby may be better option
Get her settled now before mil dies

Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 11:29

@Lancssss both myself and DH struggle with that thought. MIL is getting to an age where I can she she is struggling. Her whole life since she was early twenties when she had her has been dedicated to her. They tried putting her into care for a couple of days about 15 years ago and they made her do 'chores', she complained.... they took her out. She doesn't lift s finger at home to help MIL or FIL with chores. FIL is mid 60s and having to work full time and most evenings.

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterSister81 · 18/01/2022 11:32

@Embracelife thank you for your comment and a totally agree with everything you have said. Everything you have said I agree with. Family would loose out of their care allowance as well as benefits they are getting .... I think that is one main reason.

I have suggested countless times what I think should happen (and gently suggesting) but falls on death ears. I can't pick up the pieces when MIL or FIL dies which is a worry

OP posts:
gunnersgold · 18/01/2022 11:35

You don't suffer from Williams , you have it ..
anyways she will have a low iq and learning difficulties so probably doesn't understand . My son has similar and I brush his teeth and would never let him get gum disease ! The mil needs telling!

Lancssss · 18/01/2022 12:14

[quote SisterSister81]@Lancssss both myself and DH struggle with that thought. MIL is getting to an age where I can she she is struggling. Her whole life since she was early twenties when she had her has been dedicated to her. They tried putting her into care for a couple of days about 15 years ago and they made her do 'chores', she complained.... they took her out. She doesn't lift s finger at home to help MIL or FIL with chores. FIL is mid 60s and having to work full time and most evenings.
[/quote]
That’s really sad OP. I’m sure they think they’re protecting their daughter, but they aren’t at all, quite the opposite.
Maybe you could help your DH look at what benefits they might be entitled to if his DS moved out. They might be entitled to Universal Credit for example if his Dad is on a low wage.
They might listen to a social worker more than a family member perhaps, to try to get them to see she can’t live with them for ever. Plans need to be made now, before something forces the issue.
I would concentrate on those issues with your DH, that it would be terrible for her to be forced to move into supported accommodation because something had happened to one of her parents. As well as making sure he gets a GP and dentist to give your SIL a check up. As someone else pointed out people at college will avoid her if the smell is that bad. That’s really sad for her, she’s deserves a social life like anyone else.

Hollyhead · 18/01/2022 12:38

I really would try and get her to a dentist - it could be something relatively easily resolved.

VelvetChairGirl · 18/01/2022 12:43

if it smells like rotten apples thats a sign of diabetes, my sister stank for years

Embracelife · 18/01/2022 13:33

You can search on council name plus adults learning disabilities
Speak to them about dentist recommendation it will be a community dentist
What will your mil live off if she loses the circa 750 a month from the daughter benefits?

You can raise a safeguarding isdue of concern for the lady as her needs are not being met by her caregiver.
Adult ss adults with disabilities team
They may be aware of her if she goes to a day centre

GrannytoaUnicorn · 18/01/2022 13:56

@SlashBeef Don't you dare put words in my mouth!!! I never said that and you know it!

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