to be so p***ed that my MIL held DD and DS's pressies hostage until Boxing Day??!!!

[louloulouise]

Am f*cking fuming at the woman. We go round theirs after christmas lunch at my parents as we normally do, only to be met with 'you don't mind if I give them their pressies tomorrow do you? M, (DD/DS's cousin) will only be comng tomorrow and as you're visiting then too I don't want DD/DS to feel left out whilst he is opening his'

I mean WTF!! It's bad enough she keeps her presents for Christmas afternoon (instead of giving them in advance and letting Father Christmas bring them for the morning) but now the kids can't have them til Boxing day?!!!

Her reasoning was that as DC's cousin will be coming BD and we will also be visiting, she didn't want DD (DS not relevant as only 4 months) to feel left out when he was opening his. She's 4 FFS and rarely gets jealous, she's quite reasonable once she knows what will be happening.

When DH arrived in after this had been said and MIL repeated to him, he insisted we all have our pressies xmas day as normal, and made a bit of a joke out of it saying 'aww want to open my pressie today not tomorrow' etc etc, so MIL comes out with 'well DD's isn't wrapped anyway so she'll have to wait until tomorrow' (doubt very much it wasn't wrapped, she just wanted to get her own way, selfish attention seeking little mare she is).

What's more Boxing Day rolls around and DH picks up his bro, GF and their DS and drops them off at MILs (car out of comission atm), comes back to get us - by the time we got there he had opened everything - we don't even know what he got! That's hardly going to make DD jealous is it??!!

DH and I have had a bit of a to do about it, he agrees with me but doesn't feel as strongly about it (it's his mum after all and I think he feels annoyed but won't let on just how much). He won't mention anything this year but we've decided to be insistent that next year all pressies need to be passed around before the day so they can be there in the morning. I mean, everyone else can manage it (including my parents) so why can't she?!

For the record, if she were a normal MIL, and this was a one off, I wouldn't be so pissed, but she is a very controlling, attention seeking/loving person (and very insecure I've found). She likes to control every situation and everyone (she's always trying to discipline my daughter in my presence), this is the woman who hides the remote control and you have to ask permission to change the channel (and if it's not something she wants to watch, forget it!) and speaks to her husband like he's a piece of crap.

Gaaaahh!! I never thought I'd have any family trouble over christmas and this has turned into a huuuuuge rant!! Scream

You both seem to be controlling to me. If she is as controlling as you say then you are playing into her hands by being so anti. You don't have to lie down and take it, just refuse to get drawn in, whether FC brought the presents or not is hardly worth the fuss it is causing. If she is insisting on TV you don't want to watch, take a book to read.
If you really can't manage to ignore it why not suggest a meeting with just the two of you and discuss the problems? Grandparents are important enough to make a working arrangement for the children's sake.

I disagree with the our children our christmas statement very strongly. Gifts - surely its the prerogative of the giver to decide how, when and if they are given?

I do think you are being a bit unfair to expect your MIL to hand the presents over for Santa to deliver, especially if she is not going to be there to see her DGC to open them, especially as the reason she gave was about not wanting small children to feel left out if their cousins were having presents.

If she is indeed a controlling and manipulative person, you do need to find a way of relating to her, but Christmas is definitely not the time to handle it. She probably thinks she is compromising by not seeing you all on Christmas Day as it is.

"Well, it's obviously just me that hates being dictated to and constantly manipulated".

Your OP didn't describe someone who is being dictated to, or someone who is constantly manipulated.

It described a DIL who wants things her way, and was livid that she didn't get it.

No-one is suggesting that you "lie down and take it", but as you and your MIL are both adults, it is a shame you couldn't discuss the situation, and negotiate a result that you were both happy with.

I assume there is history to the relationship between you and your MIL that wasn't described in the OP, because what you did describe didn't seem enough to get "f*cking fuming" over really.

Not in the great scheme of things.

I'm just glad I don't do the whole Father Christmas thing! What a load of stress and trouble to perpetuate a myth. Christmas is a fabulous family time, and for me, family is not just me, dh and the children, but the whole family, cousins, uncles, aunts and in-laws too. That's what I enjoy most about it, and my children tell me that's what they like too. I like to participate in my family's and friends' traditions, my children are not "mine" they are a joy to share with all those who love them. We are visiting my family tomorrow and will probably do presents on Sunday. It will be another special day, and I and the children think that is great. I really don't like Christmas being "only for kids" why should it not be for everyone?

In our house Santa brings the stocking and one other present. Everything else has always been a gift from the person who bought it, with good old Santa as a handy optional delivery service. That way if gifts arrive at other times it's because the giver didn't post them to the North Pole for Santa to deliver.

My 2 are 12 and 14, now btw! They still pretend to believe all this garbage to humour me!

I agree with Dont... Christmas is a time for giving... or did I get that one wrong.....??

As a mother of 4 boys the OP makes depressing reading.

I hope I can get on with at least one of my DS' future DW/DPs.

Can I just clarify, we did visit MILs on xmas day, she refused to give DD her present, to her face, and when DH said she should, she still refused with DD listening to all this. DD is quite mature for her age and I could tell she was a bit upset by this.

I just think if everyone else is giving presents for xmas morning then so should she. She also doesn't have a right to withold presents from other members of the family and give them when she wants to.

I think that after reading that you MIL is slightly loop-the-loo if you don't mind me saying. Fancy putting a present to ransom in front of a young child/children. That is controlling.

A friend of mine is adopted and when his adoptive mother had a child of her own his adoptive grandma stopping giving him presents on Xmas, just gave presents to her 'real' grandchild. How sick is that? He had to sit in the corner and watch!!!

So....... YANBU, perhaps next year you can pre-arrange the present giving time? Perhaps arrange for DD/DS and grandma to exchange gifts on Christmas Day morning as DD/DS is/are old enough to want to give gifts to people they love and appreciate the gift of giving?

She doesn't have the right?

Ummm, yes she does. There is no right, enshrined in the Magna Carta, to have christmas presents given according to your method. It all seems bizarrely prescriptive to me but that's what you accuse your MIL of.

She has the right to not give them presents full stop, should she choose. Her gift, her call. Her Christmas too. And I'm not surprised your daughter was upset if her parents were bickering with her granny on Christmas Day.

This is obviously really about something much bigger than Christmas gift-giving. Address the issues, but be kind and choose the right time to do it.

This whole thread shows that you need to talk to your MIL on your own in a civilized, non confrontational way.Having an argument on Christmas Day about when a present is given is not fair to the child.I love the whole FC thing but I agree with nooka and my children are not 'mine'but a joy to share with all that love them. I am the mother of 3 boys and I also was depressed by the OP, I would hope to have good relationships with future DIL with give and take on both sides.FC has never been a postal service to me and although I would be happy to go along with it I would much rather give the present myself.

I completely understand where lou is coming from.

when you have someone who is constantly manipulating the situation and controlling you, then you often only have 2 choices - you go along with it, or you resist.
Resisting is seen as "trying to get your own way"

Going along with it also has its drawbacks - as someone else said, where do you draw the line?

I am speaking from experience here. Both my mother and my ex h are control freaks. I always went along with what my mother said, as a child and as a teenager. The result is, that she despises me as "weak."
She has several times made elaborate plans to manipulate me since I got married, and when I didnt go along with them, she angrily said once "oh you've got your way, so you're happy"

I don't want to "get my way." I just want a relaxed talk and mutual agreement about the way forward in any situation. I'm not interested in situations where the control freak is moving the family around like chess pieces, for pathetic reasons that seem important to them.

My mother and ex h hate each other, but in fact they have a lot in common. Both accuse me of being weak. Both accused me of "thinking you're the boss" AFTER I had broken away from them. Er, the boss of what, precisely? My own life.

Lou is in a tricky situation, because she is damned if she does and damned if she doesnt. Going along with constant manipulation is wearing and stupid and a bad example for her children once they get old enough to appreciate it. Resist the manipulation and she is accused of trying to manipulate things her own way, or just arguing for the sake of it.

I have tried talking to both my ex and my parents about this, but they are resistant to discussion, by the way.

the reason why her MIL should have given the present on Xmas day was because children reasonably expect that if a relative is giving them a present, then they will get it on that day, and they were visiting then. Spinning the present giving process out by trying to stage manage a simultaneous present opening on another day is crazy.

Here's the thing. You've told us your side of the story and we haven't heard from your MIL but still there seems to be a majority opinion that YABU.

There also seems to be a majority school of thought that there must be more to it than this - and what's going on in terms of undercurrents etc etc.

My genuine suggestion to you is that if you can't be peaceable with your MIL, then why not avoid her and all the ill-feeling over Christmas.

It's not good for your karma and it's not good for your DD to be exposed to rancid arguments.

I think it is hard for people to understand the control freak thing, if they havent experienced it themselves.

Yes admittedly - but just ask yourself who in this situation is the control freak?

We also weren't arguing in front of DD - DH was making light of it like 'aww mum, want to open my pressie today' etc and when MIL said 'she can't anyway because I've not wrapped it' we both just said 'oh' and left it at that.

We've never argued, MIL and I, because the situations she's tried to manipulate, I've explained my own reasoning for doing something in a non confrontational way and shes dropped it at that point and got on with things (she usually drops it in later in conversation in her usual passive agressive way).

Like I said, MIL loves attention, and anything that draws it to her - at DDs bday party she insisted DD open her present right now, before she even got her coat off, because the most people were in the room - not to mention it was inconvenient because people were still arriving, taking coats off etc and I was still preparing food.

Oh and did I mention that at my wedding she totally embarrassed me in front of everyone - while we were having photos she made a loud comment to the other guests re my [planned] pregnancy (was 23 weeks at time of wedding with DC2) - 'I told her she should have kept her legs crossed and he should have put his willy hat on' in front of the children and my relations, who were obviously disgusted. She then proceeded to get pissed at the reception and start dirty dancing with my dad.

Can you see where I'm coming from re the attention seeking? I have no patience for people who engineer situations to turn them in their favour, make them look good or draw attention to themselves.

well, quattro, it is normal for presents to be given at christmas. That's all the OP was asking.

MIL, on the hand was visited by a child at christmas, for whom she had bought a present, and made a reason why she couldnt give the present on that day, but must give it on a later date...all unnecessarily complicated, surely? And the reason given in the OP wasnt at all convincing.

It does seem odd behaviour not to give a grandchild who you see on Christmas Day their Christmas present - but it's her prerogative, however silly.

However, knowing what she is like, I would in no way allow her to irritate me or upset my dc. We would laugh it off as part of her idiosyncrasies/general dottiness and not place too much importance on whether she gave a gift or not, since dcs' have loads off presents anyway not to miss one (but all the same show good manners & be appreciative if she did give a present).

Here's my last word:

"She also doesn't have a right to withold presents from other members of the family and give them when she wants to."

Sheesh - will you listen to yourself woman? Ehe made/bought/begged/stole the presents - she gives them when SHE WANTS TO.

Be glad you've got a MIL who buys presents for all her grandchildren and wants to treat them reasonably and fairly.

So what if she gets drunk at weddings? That's what weddings are for.

Be thankful your child has grandparents who care and want to be part of their lives

I grew up without grandparents and my children have no paternal GPs (died young)

I missed out and I know my kids are too

Let the woman enjoy the little wonders of her GC, in whatever way she wants, it isn't the end of the world

The wedding thing sounds hideous, nobody should say things like that, drunk of not.

Lou, I would try to make a plan for next year to avoid any bad feeling. Try not to let her spoil your Christmas. Perhaps she sees things totally differently, I expect she does as I am sure she would not want to hurt her grandchildren's feelings on purpose.

Opinions are like noses, everyone has got one, just make sure you make your peace with the situation otherwise it will bug you always.

So she is a control freak, perhaps she is a lonely lady? Perhaps she is insecure and therefore has to bring the attention on herself s a form of defence. Either way, rise above it, you will teach your children a far better lesson.

For what it is worth, I would be fuming about a comment like that at my wedding.

quattro - in the bit that you quoted, I understood that MIL was hanging onto presents that were NOT from her, they were from other members of the family?

Again, I have to say I agree with the OP.

my MIL is doing the same. she says she wants to hold back the presents so she can see the kids playing with them. they came down boxing day and the kids still dont have their presents yet.

She does sound like a nightmare. I would change your christmas routine next year and spend less time with her. Or go away!