AIBU to think I’ve ruined DD life.

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

DD is 6, I have been separated from her dad for 3 years now. Fine relationship at first but as soon as I got pregnant it was abusive. DD witnessed a lot of this as a baby, I was hit with her in my arms, she’s seen me being pushed outside and locked out whilst she screamed and cried for me inside, we’ve had to hide in bedrooms as he was outside smashing windows etc

She was such a happy little baby and toddler but since around 3 she is extremely emotional. It does not take a lot to get her upset, she is very needy and clingy and doesn’t show much independence. She has some sensory issues with clothes and getting dressed and quickly feels overwhelmed in a room with a lot of people in. She cries if she needs help with anything rather than just asking, some days are okay in the mornings but we usually have a meltdown in the mornings getting ready for school and sometimes she doesn’t want to go at all.

I just think back to how happy she was as a toddler and see all my friends and relatives bringing their children up in happy, secure families and think I’ve absolutely failed her. I feel such extreme guilt at what I’ve brought her into and I don’t feel strong enough to carry the weight of all her emotions.

I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this thread tbh but any advice at all would be really appreciated.

You are an amazing mum.
My parents had a bad relationship. I witnessed worse as a child. But all I remember now in my 30s is my mom's grit and strength. Her determination to bring up strong and independent daughters.
You have done the right thing for your daughter.
She will grow up to be proud of you and she will be a strong women. We don't remember such nitty gritty details from when we were a toddler or 3 years old. She will just remember her mom being very strong and supportive of her.
Be proud and enjoy her childhood

Quite a few people have mentioned ASD which of course is possible but attachment difficulties can present very similarly to ASD, which wouldn’t be surprising when a child has experienced trauma at the hands of one of their parents. There are a few charities that offer therapy and you are more likely to have luck with these than CAMHS. If you can afford to pay privately I would absolutely pay for a child psychotherapist or clinical psychologist to work with your daughter.

@moregarlic

I don’t have anything practical to add but please remember: You got her out. That took a lot of strength and bravery, never forget that.

This sums up my thoughts perfectly.

You took you both out of a dangerous situation to keep you both safe.

You are strong and brave, an incredible Mum.

I hope your daughter can get the support she needs - GP, school etc.

What you have described sounds traumatic for both of you. However, I think your - completely understandable - concern about it has spiralled into unreasonableness.

Firstly, your child's life certainly isn't ruined. Almost half of all children in England have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience. Do you believe that all of those lives are ruined now? I'm sure you don't; it isn't true.

Secondly, you are not responsible for the behaviour of your partner. You were just incredibly unfortunate; this could have happened to any of us. It takes many people a very long time to leave abusive relationships; you've demonstrated great fortitude in removing your daughter so early. This says a lot about your commitment to your daughter and your capacity to support her, which makes her one of the lucky ones.

You are here worrying about the impact of your daughter's experiences on her present and future emotional wellbeing. This is a sign that you are capable of, and willing to, offer her the emotional security she needs to feel happy and secure now and in the future. She will be fine, with your support.

Her Dad certainly failed her. But luckily for her you didn't give him chance to ruin her life, as you got you both out. It may be that her past is having an impact, and she will need your support to deal with that, but you are clearly a strong and protective Mum, so will be able to help her through it. YABVU to blame yourself for any of this.

I’ve not been through what you have but just wanted to say you’ve described my 3 year old and she has not experienced any trauma so please don’t feel guilt that anything she has experienced is linked to this.
And more importantly you are incredible for leaving this man, don’t forget how strong you are and an amazing Mum for protecting your child. That’s the best thing you could have done.

@itsmellslikepopcarn
Re. Therapy, I had loads and came to the conclusion that raking over the same old shit does no good AT ALL.

One of the best bits of advice I had was “
Be your own parent “
Accept the past, believe me, very few families that look “perfect” on the outside are as good as that in private.
You had the self preservation to get that useless man out of your life, so that’s a big positive!

Re your daughter, being very calm with her will help ( Easier said than done)
You can’t repair the past, but you can build a better future.
Good luck :)

OP I’d like to recommend the ahaparenting.com and hand in hand parenting websites.

Also the book Calm Parents, Peaceful Kids but Lisa Markham.

It’s general parenting guidance but that book lays out clearly what parenting by fear can do to children, but also that there are lots of reason for children to get scared and stressed, and how to support them through meltdowns.

The fundamental learning is that all (Children’s) feelings are valid and they need safe support to express them fully so that they can resolve.

So not distracting from a meltdown but being there calmly while it runs it’s course. The book describes how in detail.

The one thing I’d say, though, is even without your shared history it takes a lot of emotional resource to be able to support your children this way (my husband really struggles, having an abusive childhood himself).

I’m good at it, but I have to nurture and look after myself to be able to hold the space for them. And I’ve had (and still have) therapy to address my own issues.

I feel such extreme guilt at what I’ve brought her into and I don’t feel strong enough to carry the weight of all her emotions.

This is what parenting is. You are strong enough, we all are. You just have to be prepared to do the work with her. I hope the GP helps.

My almost six year old has been going through a very clingy and emotional phase for a good while now; sometimes doesn't want to go to school and is very attached to me. She's lived all her life living with me, her sister and her lovely, placid and calm dad who I am married to in a secure home! You haven't ruined her life, you got her out. You saved her. Shes more likely just being six.

My dc were exactly the same at 3 and they haven't experienced abuse. They were very sensitive and cried whenever they got frustrated. Didn't like rooms full of people. It could be just a phase.

Both my kids have emotional issues and sensory struggles and neither have witnessed abuse - although I am separated from their dad. I think it's good that they can express these difficult emotions in whatever way suits them and we can be aware of them. Children like your daughter would previously have to bottle all that up years ago and the effects wouldn't be seen for years. But because she has a mum who is aware of her developmental needs and can respond to them she will grow up just fine.

Trust the teachers they would say if there were serious concerns or a. Autism diagnosis coming your way

You saved her life , if he had killed you ( or both) she would be in care system two women a week die at the hand of partners/ ex. So be proud and give her lots of reassurance

Does she has access to play therapy at all? If not I recommend it.

You haven’t ruined her life, you’ve saved it. I say this as a child of parents who fought all the time and even without DV it was very traumatising. I’ve had counselling as an adult because of it.

I think you could make a further positive difference by arranging counselling for your daughter to help her process things she witnessed but was too young to understand. She may be having emotions or reactions that she cannot connect to memory or past experience because .l she was too young at he time and this will be confusing for her. You sound like a great mum.

You haven't ruined her life; you have SAVED it.
Early life trauma often manifests at the age your DD is, and you're attuned to this/looking at what you can do to best support her. On this basis alone, you're everything she needs in a parent.
My daughters had a tough start in life and my youngest has tangible issues, which do worry me on her behalf. But, like you I'm doing what I can to support her.
💐❤️

Well done for getting her (and yourself) out of that

Of course her sensitivity is not your fault. If it was caused by the situation/man you escaped from - you are still not to blame.You are being a good mother to her and supporting her at this tough time.

It doesn't sound as if school are worried about her - which is good.
There is good advice above but remember that this might just be 'a stage' for her. Children do go through changes -and they seem to last forever when they are happening. Fingers crossed that the next stage will be better for her.

I would say that there's probably no way you'll ever know whether the issues your DD has were caused/increased by her Dad's treatment of you.

What you do know is that staying him would have caused both you and DD major mental and physical harm. Far from failing her, you have protected her by getting away.

Keep a close eye on her. Listen to her teachers, but don't blindly trust them - be prepared to fight for an assessment if you believe she needs one.

Also monitor her behaviour after contact, it beggars believe that a child's right to a relationship with their father trumps the risk of harm from a proven abusive parent. Sometimes it seems we live in a very messed up society.