AIBU to think I’ve ruined DD life.

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

DD is 6, I have been separated from her dad for 3 years now. Fine relationship at first but as soon as I got pregnant it was abusive. DD witnessed a lot of this as a baby, I was hit with her in my arms, she’s seen me being pushed outside and locked out whilst she screamed and cried for me inside, we’ve had to hide in bedrooms as he was outside smashing windows etc

She was such a happy little baby and toddler but since around 3 she is extremely emotional. It does not take a lot to get her upset, she is very needy and clingy and doesn’t show much independence. She has some sensory issues with clothes and getting dressed and quickly feels overwhelmed in a room with a lot of people in. She cries if she needs help with anything rather than just asking, some days are okay in the mornings but we usually have a meltdown in the mornings getting ready for school and sometimes she doesn’t want to go at all.

I just think back to how happy she was as a toddler and see all my friends and relatives bringing their children up in happy, secure families and think I’ve absolutely failed her. I feel such extreme guilt at what I’ve brought her into and I don’t feel strong enough to carry the weight of all her emotions.

I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this thread tbh but any advice at all would be really appreciated.

You have done your best for her. You got her out. There were no ill intentions or bad behaviour from you so you have to accept you did your best and then forgive yourself.

I’m sure we’ve all managed to get it wrong sometimes, even with the very best of intentions. You didn’t do it deliberately so forgive yourself.

OP others have given some great advice in support here, but I just wanted to add you haven’t ruined your child’s life. You removed her from domestic violence. You saved her and you are a hero.

@Tal45

I would stop worrying that she needs to be independent, she needs a secure base - you - and lots of support and encouragement. At 18 she will need some independence right now she needs security and knowing you're there for her. Just be a really loving mum and really reassuring when she is clingy and needy. Stay calm and confident when she has to leave you to go to school or where ever. If she struggles with transitions see if you can find ways to make them easier but be calm and confident about them yourself.

Do you have enough to go on for an ASD diagnosis? I'm not sure I'd get her assessed at the moment on the basis of what you've said here, I think it's more likely it would be put down to the trauma she went through due to her father. Definitely look into getting help with that if you can as you have both been through so much..

It could however be ASD so I would definitely bare that in mind and make a note of anything you notice that could be relevant as it's likely to become more obvious/difficult as she gets older if it is ASD. Does she have separation anxiety or struggle with transitions in general - ie if she's engaged in an activity can she leave it happily to go to the shops? Notice how she reacts to jokes/sarcasm etc - does she get them, does she explain them in case you don't get them. Does she talk over or talk at people. Does she have quirks, does she get obsessed with things that she really likes. My advice would be to note down her sensory issues and anything else you've noticed or notice as she gets older - you'll be amazed how much you forget otherwise - then you have lots of evidence for an ASD assessment if needed.

I was about to say the same. My grand daughter had similar behavior and had not had a background of violence. She has finally been diagnosed with complex ASD at the age of 10 & it was a real battle. Girls tend to mask especially at school so apart from struggling with work school could not identify any issues but at home it became more & more obvious something wasn't right. Would only wear certain limited clothes . Very clingy if people she didn't know well we're around. Bouts of rage. As has already been suggested do keep a diary of all incidents as put together they may help paint a picture of what's really going on. My grand daughter was actually relieved when she finally had her diagnosis as bless her she she said "I knew I was different than my friends" . With the extra support she is back to a happy girl still a challenge but much much better.

Does she have to have contact sessions with him?

itsmellslikepopcarn

My children were 2.6 years old and 8 months old when i left the DV relationship. My 2 year old had seen so much,

I left after he attacked me again infront of both of my babies, I was on the floor crying and bleeding after he left and my daughter tried picking me up off the floor and had said sorry to me because she thought it was her fault ( baby had syarted crying, then she started crying and he got mad because I didn't stop them crying quick enough)

OP, she's been in my arms while hes headbutted me, she's watched me be dragged around by my hair, sat on, bit, punched, it's making me feel disgusting remembering all the things she witnessed

I left after the last attack, it went to court, he was found guilty and ordered not to contact or communicate with us

My daughter is also an emotional child,

I spoke to school about it and they have offered her counselling specifically for children who have witnessed DV.

Please don't feel guilty. I feel bad for the things she saw, but the pride in getting her away from that situation and raising her by myself all these years with nothing but love, almost wipes out the guilt

You did an amazing thing and it wasn't your fault what happened. You definetly havnt ruined her i promise. If anything, you saved her from reliving your life when she's older

Don't blame yourself! you got out of the abusive relationship and protected her.

Your ex-partner is the one who created a stressful, unsafe environment for her.

I think you need to speak to your GP though to start the process of getting her assessed and finding ways to help her cope with the effects this early trauma has had on her.

I really think you should be proud of yourself for getting your kid out of that situation. I had a physically and verbally abusive father and my mother (who was never the target of his violence,,,) never did a single thing to protect me and ask him to stop. She put the financially comfortable life that my father gave her as her priority. This of course caused me untold damage and I have been no contact with my parents for most of my life. You did the most important thing: you protected your kid!

My DD has just turned 7 too so not much older than your DD

Thank you everyone for your advice and comments. I will contact the GP for an appointment for her and will start keeping a diary of her behaviour so I can see any trends or things going on that might be more than sensory issues.

@MrsTrumpton

Does she have to have contact sessions with him?

Unfortunately yes, she does. I had no evidence of abuse, and despite him being arrested when he smashed our windows whilst DD and I were in the house and me turning over evidence of him saying he would kill me (both recorded phone call and texts) and wanting to press charges and get a restraining order, the police were useless and said if he paid for the windows the whole thing would be dropped.

Well done on getting yourself and your daughter out of there @itsmellslikepopcarn

I can't relate back to the DV issue but my daughter is very similar to how you describe yours. She is now 5 and is a sensitive little soul. Frustration when she can't do something results in floods of tears ( which feel like no reason!) and she can be very dependant on wanting us to help her get dressed which is complete contrast to her brother who is younger and very independent.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that this might just be part of her personality rather than any trauma. You shouldn't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

Your daughter might just be a sensitive soul and that's absolutely fine! She's very lucky to have a wonderful mum who loves and cares about her

Sorry - I pressed send too soon.

I hear you in the mornings with the getting ready for school. My DD often won't mix when we go places even if it's with children she knows. She will stand with me for a good 20 mins assessing the situation before going on to play. Observing others like this at kids parties makes me think this is completely normal.

If people (adults) acknowledge my DD on the way to school she barely says hello. We're working on this and I'm trying to teach her how this can appear but she's still little. I read a good piece on introverted children which really resonated too.

I think this was one of the articles : introvertdear.com/news/introverted-kids/

When I read your OP I thought "wow, that woman has fought her way out of an abusive relationship and protected her daughter". I must have missed the part where you failed her. It doesn't read that way to me at all.

I have been in an abusive relationship and it took me 2 years after the abuse started to leave him. I didn't have kids but I can't honestly say that I would have gotten out of there quicker if I had. It may have taken me even longer if I had kids. It's so, so hard to get out and many women never do.

You got your daughter out alive. You protected her. Well done. You did something amazing and you should be very proud.

itsmellslikepopcarn I wonder if seeing him is upsetting her? Is anyone else present? Does he have her overnight? Given the level of abuse she witnessed, even him just raising his voice or getting cross must be terrifying for her.

To echo everyone else, you've been an amazing mum getting her out of the situation, none of this is your fault. It sounds like counselling might benefit you both. Or is there pastoral support at her school you can access?

You haven’t let her down at all, on the contrary I think you have done the absolute best for her.
I think a lot of kids her age can now find big groups overwhelming having had formative years spent during lockdowns.
She will read about situations from you, so try not to worry to much, kids develop at different rates, and do go through funny stages. It sounds like the school aren’t too worried, so I don’t think you should be either.
Maybe speak with the GP and get a referral to a councillor.
On a more fun note, is there an activity or hobby you could maybe look to take up together to work together on her conference in a fun setting and take the pressure off, set some time aside each week and go out and do it together, so she knows it’s just you time? Maybe drawing in the park, take some pads and pencils, or regular foraging for art projects at home; riding lessons-often the parent is asked to lead the pony so she won’t be by herself; her own gardening patch where she can grow vegetables; or a baking afternoon-but encourage her to give whatever you make to a different friend or family member? I’m trying to think of regular activities that facilitate times outside the home and social interactions in a relaxed, light way.

OP I can't tell you how much I admire you. Do not underestimate the huge strength it takes to escape an abusive relationship.

I hope you can find some good support and therapy/counselling if you feel able to. It can take a long, long time to recover so please be gentle and patient with yourself.

rightsofwomen.org.uk might be worth talking to about the contact. Is it possible the contact is distressing your daughter? I'm sorry the police were useless, that is unforgivable. Agree with pp, I would be asking questions about his contact with her if she is showing signs of trauma.

OP, I was raised in an abusive relationship. Except my mother, for a variety of reasons, never found the strength or courage to leave. Even when I got into my teenage years and he started attacking me.

Please believe me when I say what you did is the opposite of failing your daughter. You did the absolute best thing for her and you’re a hero.

I'm another one who had an abusive parent (mother) my dad said he found her treatment of me unacceptable and made many promises to leave, but couldn't be arsed. I have little respect for him, but I have lots for you as you protected your dd by leaving.

First of all you’ve done the very best thing for your daughter. The alternative life would be much worse.

Just to add a different perspective but my daughter started to display a very emotional side from about three and also some of the sensory issues you mention. She hasn’t experienced any particular trauma. She’s just made that way. So this could have been part of her emerging personality regardless.

Please dont add guilt to whatever emotions you’re going through. Just help to guide this little person through whatever challenges she has going forwards. You are doing the very best by her already and I’m sure you will continue to do so xx

Not read the full thread but I can really sympathise with your Op. I’m exactly the same - Dd was extremely happy and confident baby, exh turned sour/ nasty once we had a child, got out in the end but took me between when she was 7 and almost 10 to do so.

She does have some anxieties now as a teenager. But in other ways she’s very strong, particularly where friendships/ difficult children who are sometimes bullies are concerned. They seem to respect her as she has a strong sense of self and doesn’t take any crap, despite being one of the studious kids. So there’s that!

DD1 was a very emotional toddler/pre-schooler and there was no DV involved!

You got out pretty quickly and she has had a lot of love, you've done extremely well.

On what planet are you the one that has ruined her life? That responsibility is his. You got her out. You probably saved her life.

You are aware of the trauma it has caused and you sound loving and responsible so you will help her deal with it.

OP, honestly, you are so brave. You got out of that situation. Well done for that.

Agree with others that any issues now may have nothing do with the situation, but your awareness of how she might be affected can only help her long term if she does suffer any anxieties.

My son is 3 and acts exactly this way, everything you’ve said is what he’s like even the clothes.
He hasn’t witnessed anything like what you’ve both been through, don’t be so hard on yourself.

She is 3 they can be a handful at 3 that’s why they get called threenagers!

I have been there with the guilt of staying in a terrible relationship it doesn’t do you any good at all, try and get some therapy honestly it will help. If one hasn’t worked then it wasn’t for you but another will be.

I wanted to just add that your little girl sounds totally normal to me - all part of being a threenager! 🤣 I think all parents have times when they wonder where their happy little boy/girl went and what on Earth has gone wrong.

Children do have phases developmentally when they are just not very happy and everything feels difficult.

I think good on you for leaving that relationship and also for being vigilant as to how it might have affected her. But I don't read anything that would look out of place on an ordinary three year old.

If she does have difficulties based on her early experiences these can always be helped greatly.

Adults with the most appalling abusive childhoods can still feel better and grow with good therapy. If it turns out your DD has been affected in a way that needs some help, then there is lots that can be done, don't despair. Nothing is fixed forever and you have certainly not ruined her life. How could you have?! She's only three with years of safe development ahead - not least thanks to you for protecting her.

DD & DS no trauma both behaved like this, it was a sensory and control issue both are on the autistic spectrum.
Speak to the GP.