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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I’ve ruined DD life.

93 replies

itsmellslikepopcarn · 17/01/2022 07:12

DD is 6, I have been separated from her dad for 3 years now. Fine relationship at first but as soon as I got pregnant it was abusive. DD witnessed a lot of this as a baby, I was hit with her in my arms, she’s seen me being pushed outside and locked out whilst she screamed and cried for me inside, we’ve had to hide in bedrooms as he was outside smashing windows etc

She was such a happy little baby and toddler but since around 3 she is extremely emotional. It does not take a lot to get her upset, she is very needy and clingy and doesn’t show much independence. She has some sensory issues with clothes and getting dressed and quickly feels overwhelmed in a room with a lot of people in. She cries if she needs help with anything rather than just asking, some days are okay in the mornings but we usually have a meltdown in the mornings getting ready for school and sometimes she doesn’t want to go at all.

I just think back to how happy she was as a toddler and see all my friends and relatives bringing their children up in happy, secure families and think I’ve absolutely failed her. I feel such extreme guilt at what I’ve brought her into and I don’t feel strong enough to carry the weight of all her emotions.

I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this thread tbh but any advice at all would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Beseen22 · 17/01/2022 07:54

You saved her getting her out. Does the school know about things? There's a little girl in my DS class who went through something similar but the school are very involved at helping her feel safe. She was able to defer a year and take it slower through nursery so she was ready at 5 for school and there is never her photo shared on social media. She has a focus room that she can go to during the day if she feels overwhelmed with soft lighting and bean bags and she's able to keep her favorite Teddy in there.

tolerable · 17/01/2022 07:58

speak to nursery\health visitory-play therapy is amazing.x

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 17/01/2022 08:01

Without the abuse, this also reads a little as Asd in girls. I am a practitioner of 3 year olds and have experience of children and abuse so am not belittling it but the sensory issues, struggling for help and meltdowns sound a bit like the asd spectrum. Either way it's important to get you both support.

IWishIHadNotDoneIt · 17/01/2022 08:01

I was in an abusive relationship, and my eldest 3 boys witnessed a lot of abuse. They have grown up to be healthy, happy, well rounded young men. DC4 is exactly as you describe your DC. Clingy, dependent, emotional, sensory issues etc. He has never witnessed any abuse. His DF and I have a great relationship. DC4 is undergoing assessment for ADHD and autism. Could that be something worth looking into? Flowers

MarthaHanson · 17/01/2022 08:06

The pp advice for play therapy/assessment is all great, but I just wanted to add my voice -as a child I grew up in a v violent dangerous home - to say you are a WONDERFUL mother. You got her out. Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/01/2022 08:12

You havent failed her her father failed her. You protected her. Sa.e with me and my DS. However its very important you get counselling for her ASAP via GP my sons experiences led him to have a severe breakdown in his 20s.
The mental issues must be addressed as soon as possible by a professional.
You shouldn't have to deal with the fallout alone.

HabitsDieHard · 17/01/2022 08:15

I have a six year old who regularly has meltdowns before school, same issues you describe. It can be very difficult. No traumatic experiences at all. My eldest, who is 11, was exactly the same. He's been assessed, nothing to report. And he's largely grown out of the behaviours. They are both just very sensitive, deep thinking types, who dislike going to school although they're happy enough when there.
You have done great with your daughter so far. She will be fine and is lucky to have you. Don't doubt yourself

Thighdentitycrisis · 17/01/2022 08:23

Please don’t blame yourself. You protected her and your other child.

My son was very emotional at this age too and continued for several years. Crying very easily and huge meltdowns sound very familiar
We weren’t living with his dad then (he was a violent alcoholic with a personality disorder) but he was having contact and it was putting a lot of emotional pressure on DS. He was bullied at school because of his vulnerability.

He ended up diagnosed with Asperger’s but doesn’t present with that now he has grown up into a confident and successful young man.

You sound very attuned to her emotional needs which will help you give her what she needs

CarrieMoonbeams · 17/01/2022 08:23

I don't have DC so I don't have any advice on the practical side of things, but I just wanted to say well done for getting out of that situation and keeping her safe.

My brother and I prayed that our mum would do the same when we were kids, but she never did.

Riverlee · 17/01/2022 08:24

You have got out of an abusive relationship. Failing her would have been staying with your ex!

You say she’s tired and clingy. The last couple of years have been especially tough and she’s probably not had the normal socialisation that six year olds would have. Eg. Nursery groups, pre-school etc. if she’s clingy and emotional, maybe there’s an element of tiredness mixed in.

Lalliella · 17/01/2022 08:26

You haven’t failed her, her father did. You have saved her. You’re an incredibly brave woman and an awesome mum. Never forget that.

Like others say, there’s a lot of help out these, keep talking to the school and GP. Flowers for you and your lovely girl.

Snowdropsinourforest · 17/01/2022 08:27

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HoppingPavlova · 17/01/2022 08:40

Please consider counselling for her in addition to any specific developmental assessments you have done as they are for seperate issues.

MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 08:42

The one person who hurt her is her father. Her abusive father. Not you who got out and gave her a life free from abuse, one where she can be safe again.

Don’t make his responsibilities yours.

MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 08:44

I agree with @HoppingPavlova, she needs counselling.

counselling for children works very differently than adults and she will be drawing and playing rather than talking (and reliving some very difficult times).

PufferFish · 17/01/2022 08:44

It may be worth looking into ‘therapeutic parenting’. It’s gaining a significant following of foster carers and other people who parent children who have suffered trauma.

TheOccupier · 17/01/2022 08:44

Sounds like you are doing well. There is a theory that children can get "stuck" emotionally at the age they were when something traumatic happened - abuse or parents separating. So although your DD is 6 she's still feeling like a 3yo. Try to do what you can at home to make her feel really safe and do try to access therapy for her.

I don't think you need to do anything specific about the sensory issues, if she's able to wear most clothes and school uniform then just treat it as a personal preference. Quite a few children are fussy about scratchy clothes etc and in most cases they do just grow out of it and don't turn out to have any underlying conditions.

UnbeatenMum · 17/01/2022 08:46

Your daughter did experience trauma and you're really brave to acknowledge it. Sensory issues and the other things you described are really common in children who have been through trauma. Lots of adopted children and children in care have similar issues, but your daughter has been able to stay with you and you got away so you should feel really proud of that. Your daughter might benefit from some kind of play therapy, a sensory assessment and perhaps other types of therapy down the line. It would definitely be worth speaking to a professional with an understanding of developmental trauma.

Dibbydoos · 17/01/2022 08:54

Personally, I'd take her and have her needs assessed. She sounds like she may be neurodiverse and diagnosis helps because you get access to support. If she isn't neurodiverse she could get Time for You via the GP. It is great for kids to have their own advocate.

BTW you didn't do anything to her, her father the AH did. Take care x

Antssausagedog · 17/01/2022 09:03

Your poor girl has suffered a series of horrible traumas. These are bound to still be impacting on her. Could you go through your gp to get some support for her.

Huge respect to you for having the bravery and gumption to leave the violence and remove yourself and your daughter from the risk. You deserve a medal and are clearly a good mum. I hope you can both move on 💐

Tal45 · 17/01/2022 09:14

I would stop worrying that she needs to be independent, she needs a secure base - you - and lots of support and encouragement. At 18 she will need some independence right now she needs security and knowing you're there for her. Just be a really loving mum and really reassuring when she is clingy and needy. Stay calm and confident when she has to leave you to go to school or where ever. If she struggles with transitions see if you can find ways to make them easier but be calm and confident about them yourself.

Do you have enough to go on for an ASD diagnosis? I'm not sure I'd get her assessed at the moment on the basis of what you've said here, I think it's more likely it would be put down to the trauma she went through due to her father. Definitely look into getting help with that if you can as you have both been through so much..

It could however be ASD so I would definitely bare that in mind and make a note of anything you notice that could be relevant as it's likely to become more obvious/difficult as she gets older if it is ASD. Does she have separation anxiety or struggle with transitions in general - ie if she's engaged in an activity can she leave it happily to go to the shops? Notice how she reacts to jokes/sarcasm etc - does she get them, does she explain them in case you don't get them. Does she talk over or talk at people. Does she have quirks, does she get obsessed with things that she really likes. My advice would be to note down her sensory issues and anything else you've noticed or notice as she gets older - you'll be amazed how much you forget otherwise - then you have lots of evidence for an ASD assessment if needed.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 17/01/2022 09:19

You walked away from your abuser. You escaped. You quite literally saved her from years of terror.

Never feel guilty about that. Walk forward with your head held high knowing you did the best thing by far for her.

As others have said she has experienced trauma, it would be worth seeking further professional help.

Pr1mr0se · 17/01/2022 09:20

Hi - so sorry to hear of your experiences, it must have been awful. I experienced something similar as a child....but this is not about me.... I think your daughter is showing signs of trauma. Sometimes the results of trauma can manifest as psychological or behavioural issues which are then picked up at school as attention deficit or autistic behaviours. Please see your GP and discuss what happened to you and what the responses your daughter is showing. You may have to be strong and determined to get the support you both need - I'm not dictating to you what you should do but I think counselling and/ or a support group for people who have been through similar experienced and who you could build up trust with would help for a start.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/01/2022 09:21

Don’t underestimate your own courage in getting you both out of a terrible situation. This is on your ex’s shoulders, not yours and you have no need to feel guilty. If she does have any issues with what happened, your GP should be the starting point to get you to the right support. Maybe you could give counselling another try at some point. I had talking therapy after I lost my husband and I found it really difficult to begin with. After a few breaks, I eventually went back and tried again, and although painful, it helped me to face up to and come to terms with a lot of things. I realise yours is a different issue but if you’re lucky enough to get a good counsellor, it can help get things in perspective.

Pr1mr0se · 17/01/2022 09:26

I think your daughter is showing signs of trauma. From experience I recognise this from going through something similar myself as a child.

Please see a doctor and get counselling / emotional support for you both through a support group or official practitioner. There are lots of groups online too.

I don't think your daughter will have any adhd or autism or anything else the school might label her and be able to help with but I do think her symptoms could be misconstrued that way and they need to be able to understand her better and help by being supportive and sensitive to her reactions. She needs to feel she is safe to be herself and she won't be rejected or pushed away. Labelling her with a condition may make her feel like that so could and make things worse.

You will have to be strong and single-minded to get the support you need as not everyone sees the value of resolving emotional issues. Often emotional traumas that aren't dealt with can manifest in physical illnesses later on so hopefully you have an elightened doctor.

Best of luck Flowers