Cousin remarks about my dead mother

[Wheresmywoolyjumpers]

I have an incredibly manipulative, narc cousin. We are close in age and are only kids, so spent a lot of time with growing up. She was always spoiled, and if things were not done her way would make herself physically ill to get her own way.

Now she lives in a different part of the country, comes down once or twice a year, talks about herself incessantly and then goes home. Parents put up with it because they have always felt sorry for her but are always happy when she leaves.

10 years ago I moved back to this town to help care of mum. She died last year and arranging the funeral was made 10 worse by her behaviour - she wrote an obituary in a national paper 'announcing the death of her aunt', used a photo of my mum that mum hated and got loads of stuff wrong. Invited a bunch of her friends to the funeral that none of the family knew. And lots of other things. I finally told her to back off and she seemed to get it.

It was mums birthday the other day. Turns out cousin posted on SM announcing it, with the same awful picture, and lots of stuff designed to get sympathy for her loss. I am so furious and sickened. It was bad enough last year, but at least it could be put down to grief. This latest is so manipulative and all about her, nothing really about my mother. And no mention of her mothers children or husband. I am just so disgusted and heartsick. I am tempted to rip into her.

Should I say something and risk starting a war with a narcissist or let it go and keep trying to avoid her?

I would say exactly this

. It was bad enough last year, but at least it could be put down to grief. This latest is so manipulative and all about her, nothing really about my mother. And no mention of her mothers children or husband.

And then let her explode. She can't actually do anything to you, can she? She can tell everyone what a bitch you are, but most people have the measure of people like her. If they are stupid enough to believe her, do you even care what stupid people think?

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum .

Do you want to tell her to fuck off?

Are her actions making your grief worse?

You can if you want to. I probably would have added a comment to her SM and told her to back off, to delete the picture that she knows is an upsetting choice. I would have done it directly, bluntly "XX. Take this picture of my mother down You know how upsetting I find this specific picture, I told you so last time you used to to publicise my mothers death. Just stop!"

You are allowed to be rude and angry - if that is what you want.

You could also just block her so you don't see anything she choses to post and you could be rude to her face next time she visits. Tell her to her face.

Whatever you choose to do will be OK. Others may judge you, but they won't matter. You are allowed whatever catharisis you need.

@WinnersDinner

YABU

Why would you cousin mention you in her post about losing her aunt?

Also, kindly, the image used is of no importance, it might be a photo your cousin likes of your mother

You clearly don't like her and seem to now be reacting adversely at pretty non offensive things

Take a step back and maybe seek some therapy to deal with these feelings

I wonder how you would feel if it was happening in your family? She has alienated most of the family (including her own parents) due to her long history of obnoxious behaviour. This is not an issue of me needing therapy. But an issue of an entirely self centred and thoughtless person.

Whilst I sympathise for your heartache, you can't dictate how your cousin chooses to grieve or remember her aunt.

I agree, what she is doing sounds vacuous, but nevertheless it's her choice. My sister is all about the FB sympathy and I do find it really vulgar, but it's not my place to tell her she is wrong to do that.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

Then block her on social media and move on with your life

You are so caught up with your hatred of this cousin it's clouding your judgement

Nothing you've posted is crime of the century, she used a picture you didn't like of your mother on her own social media accounts, and posted about her feelings of loss and didn't mention you in it. It would actually be very odd to mention you on her FB post based on the context you've given

Yabu. You don't own the grief and get to decide who can and cannot grieve for your mother. You said your families spent a lot of time together growing up. Your cousin spent her childhood with her aunt. You do not get to tell someone they can't grieve for their aunt.

Personally if I were you I would ignore her post, block her on everything.
I wouldn’t simply “try to avoid” someone like this, I’d just cut ties with them.

On the surface the things you mention seem a little trivial and things that could be her just getting a bit selfishly carried away with her own grief. However I’m assuming from your other comments that she has been like this throughout her life and this is just another example of her selfishness on top of years of selfishness.

Why continue any relationship with her?

Thanks for the support with my grief. Oh wait.......... and if you read the post you would see that my mother hated the picture. Read the post before you preach maybe. As for moving on, good idea, wont be responding to you again.

Why should she mention her mother's children and husband? Especially as you say she has alienated her parents?

Block her. She won't change the post and she'll do it every year anyway, whatever you say.

Why on Earth don't you tell her to take her grief tourism and fuck right off, then block her on every single device.

Your future self will give zero shits.

I'd be tempted to call her an attention-seeking grief vulture on her post and then block her on all social media and any other means of contact.

Gosh, OP, I hear you.
It's all about her, and the sympathy votes.

Everything is clearly raw for you currently and I can totally understand your upset at this grief vulture settling on what is more your loss than hers.
I can only suggest you keep off SM or make it so you don't see what she posts.

She's doing it to impress, bully, hurt, demand your attention. Don't give her what she wants. Just ignore her, totally blank her,. don't respond . Not a single word .

Remember, nothing she has done can hurt your mother, or changes anybody's memories of your mother.

It's empty posturing by a nutcase cousin and discredits only herself.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

Thanks for the support with my grief. Oh wait.......... and if you read the post you would see that my mother hated the picture. Read the post before you preach maybe. As for moving on, good idea, wont be responding to you again.

I read your original post, but it doesn't matter, at this point, with the problem that you have whether your mum loved the photo, what matters is did your cousin actually know? Perhaps she liked the photo. I don't see how it is not a nice thing to have all this proof that your mum was loved?

I'd block and move on. Some people need public validation for their grief to satisfy their ego. I've been in a similar position to you, I've taken the high road and done what I need to to keep things civil, but not a stitch more.
Sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum xx

I'm sorry to hear how much anguish she's causing you. The only thing you can realistically do with people like this is cut them out of your life. I've done that with a relative of mine and the relief is immense. Block her on social media, block her number, just block her out of your life.

It was not her place, at all, to place an obituary in the paper. That must have hurt greatly.

I have no experience of this sort of person, or how to handle this, but wanted to say I think there are harsh responses here and I think YANBU.

Hopefully you can block, ignore. None of her actions change the relationship you had of your Mum.

Sounds like she’s playing grief top trumps.

It’s in no way her place to post an obituary etc. why In a national paper? Was your mum well known?

I had a couple of similar assholes when my husband died. I confronted them and told them they were out of line. They had the good grace to shut up after that.

Her social media posts are a bit tricky I’m afraid. But maybe speaking to her generally about the public expression of grief may help to dial it back.

I’m sorry for your loss xx

I absolutely feel for you and was in a similar situation with the partner of my late husband's brother....and yes you are entitled to do whatever you want to make yourself feel better......but its a chess with a pigeon situation. I'd block her on SM and go no contact in real life. I think that narcs do this stuff for attention and the way to really get up her nose is to ignore ignore ignore. That way she loses control.

Seems to me she is doing her thing regarding how she remembers and reminds people of her aunt. There is no law against that. You do not like it but cannot control it. You cannot sue her for putting up a certain photo your mother . You, likewise, can also do whatever it is you wish regarding remembering your mother.

Tell her straight , block her fb , do whatever u need to do
You are not unreasonable at all
I would be livid
Going forward I would drop her
remember your mum in your own way and distance yourself from her nonsense

And to all the posters saying that you are unreasonable and it’s about her grief , well you should all take a long hard look at yourselves

Just block her. Telling her wont help if she's really a narcissist. And just remember, the only person that can be hurt by her behaviour now is you, and then only if you choose to be her audience. She cant touch your mum now, whether there is an afterlife or not.

How much malice is there in her? How subtle can she be? Starting a war with a genuine narcissist is a dangerous thing to do. Will she get her family on-side? I know you said they were pissed off with her, but in a fight would they come down on her side?

If you're sure you can handle the fallout, then say something. If you're not sure, then block her and avoid her at all opportunities.