Cousin remarks about my dead mother

[Wheresmywoolyjumpers]

I have an incredibly manipulative, narc cousin. We are close in age and are only kids, so spent a lot of time with growing up. She was always spoiled, and if things were not done her way would make herself physically ill to get her own way.

Now she lives in a different part of the country, comes down once or twice a year, talks about herself incessantly and then goes home. Parents put up with it because they have always felt sorry for her but are always happy when she leaves.

10 years ago I moved back to this town to help care of mum. She died last year and arranging the funeral was made 10 worse by her behaviour - she wrote an obituary in a national paper 'announcing the death of her aunt', used a photo of my mum that mum hated and got loads of stuff wrong. Invited a bunch of her friends to the funeral that none of the family knew. And lots of other things. I finally told her to back off and she seemed to get it.

It was mums birthday the other day. Turns out cousin posted on SM announcing it, with the same awful picture, and lots of stuff designed to get sympathy for her loss. I am so furious and sickened. It was bad enough last year, but at least it could be put down to grief. This latest is so manipulative and all about her, nothing really about my mother. And no mention of her mothers children or husband. I am just so disgusted and heartsick. I am tempted to rip into her.

Should I say something and risk starting a war with a narcissist or let it go and keep trying to avoid her?

I would just dismiss a person like this, and have zero contact with them at all.. There is no point in giving yourself any anguish, about the kind of person that you have mentioned her to be like on here.

Thank you for all the supportive posts. I had not heard of grief tourism, grief vultures and grief top trumps, but thank you for all of these, that is exactly what it is and I am just blindsided by it. Lots of great advice on here, so thank you for that and for all the support.

@Ijsbear - she is very malicious. But it was actually an extended family member who called to see if I was ok with what she had done because I dont read her SM as a rule. Most don't speak to her at all and there are a large number of houses she is not welcome in. So, yes, it would be was but at this stage I am not sure I care.

Just tell her straight, you'll feel so much better for it op. Let it rip.

@Nidan2Sandan

Whilst I sympathise for your heartache, you can't dictate how your cousin chooses to grieve or remember her aunt.

I agree, what she is doing sounds vacuous, but nevertheless it's her choice. My sister is all about the FB sympathy and I do find it really vulgar, but it's not my place to tell her she is wrong to do that.

I agree.

She sounds like a poor, needy soul and probably believes she is being good and helpful.

Keep her a bit more at arms' length but don't cut her out altogether.

Most of us have an annoying relative.

I'd be honest and post you know mum hated that photo I told you last time. Then block her.

@2bazookas

She's doing it to impress, bully, hurt, demand your attention. Don't give her what she wants. Just ignore her, totally blank her,. don't respond . Not a single word .

Remember, nothing she has done can hurt your mother, or changes anybody's memories of your mother.

It's empty posturing by a nutcase cousin and discredits only herself.

This. Any reaction from you will just egg her on. Block and ignore.

@LolaButt - sorry about your husband. You can really see the difference between genuine grief and grief as an attention seeking device, can't you. I am sorry that you had to deal with that when you had lost your partner, that is just awful.

Yes mum was well known in her field. Not a household name, but if you worked in that speciality, you would know her. We (dad, me, wider family) were flabbergasted at the obituary. But the pandemic had meant we were not getting all the services we were supposed to to help mum at home, so by the time she died my dad and I were in a state of collapse. And had limited energy to take her on. This just stirred all that up again.

@blyn, respectfully, you are not really understanding the magnitude of her bad behaviour. Her parents did not stop talking to her because she is a bit annoying. She has lied, stolen and made everything (gender reveals, holidays, weddings) about herself. This is actually probably the least of it - apart from the time she stole my new umbrella - but the straw that broke the camels back. I have gone very LC but am increasingly feeling NC is the way to go. She may be needy, doesn't mean she can piss all over peoples feelings.

KiloWhat's answer sounds best.

I'm sorry for your loss, the grief for a loving mum goes very very deep doesn't it.

I couldn’t agree less with the PPs suggesting she is allowed to own her grief. It’s not grief it’s attention seeking at its worst. My SIL sobbed through my DM’s funeral, even had to be supported by her daughter beside the coffin (oh the drama!). couldn’t give a flying wotsit about her in life. Unfortunately you’ll have to rise above it. All of the FB emotionally supportive responses are utterly shallow and meaningless anyway. FB is a breeding ground for attention seeking, vain and vacuous people, who have little empathy in real life.
We’ve never met but I send you my best wishes, I know how hard it is to lose your mum.

I think you need to let this go. Concentrate on grieving and remembering your mum the way that you want and ignore her. You knew her far better and take comfort in the good times you had just you and your family.

Put your own posts on SM if that’s your thing and make it all about your mum and how loved she was. Your narc cousin may have picked up this trait from her own mum and might have wished your mum was hers. Forget about her and her drama queen behaviour

I don’t understand how her behaviour is rude or selfish quite honestly.

Her aunt died, an aunt that was very involved in her childhood and well known to her by your own admission.

So why can’t she pay for an obituary to her aunt as well? And your criticism of the photo she used is bat shit quite honestly.

And what is wrong with her inviting friends to the funeral? Why on earth did you tell her to “back off”? Why does her grieving and commemorating your mother upset you so much? You seem to think you own your mother. You don’t your mother wasn’t just a mother she was also an aunt, and presumably wife, sister, daughter, friend. Everyone in her life will notice she is gone and be grieving in their own way.

And now you’re upset she posted a note on her SM on your mothers birthday. So what? You seem very possessive and controlling about your mother.

I think YABU here and think you do need some therapy to address why you hate your cousin. Everything you say about her is dripping with hatred. Perhaps growing up because you spent a lot of time together you developed a sort of unhealthy sibling rivalry dynamic.

@EmpressCixi - if you truly don't get it then I can't explain it to you and am not going to waste time trying. As for the funeral - surely you can't be that dense? If it were a wedding would you be ok with a bunch of total strangers showing up? This is not about me but it is increasingly obvious that her lack of empathy for others is not unusual.

No wonder you’re so sickened, OP.

I would certainly tell her she was right out of order - there’s an expression for what she’s done - trying to gain look-at-me sympathy from someone else’s grief - but I can’t recall the exact words

I have virtually gone NC with an aunt who really upset us right after my DM died - she was 97 and had had dementia, and this aunt had previously told me it was her own fault that she got it!

But right after she died, she said it was ‘common knowledge’ in the family that my DM had not been a virgin when she married - bearing in mind that this was in 1939 - because she hadn’t worn a white dress.

The aunt was NINE at the time of the wedding, and the reason my DM couldn’t have a white dress was because of wartime and not enough coupons!

The old bag just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut - luckily she lives in Canada - which is welcome to her! - so I don’t have to see her.

So sorry for your loss. I’m nursing my mum at the moment, so I really feel you.
The thing about narcissists is that they have so much energy for being right and promoting themselves.
You could explode at her if it will clear the air for you, but I doubt you’ll ever get any response from her that you want.
Block her so you don’t see the triggering stuff she posts, and completely remove yourself from her life. I think no contact is pretty much ask you can do with a narc .

Really hope you find a way through and once again, so sorry for your loss x

Family events are family events. She is not part of the nuclear family holding the funeral.

Some absolutely vile comments here towards someone who is clearly grieving. Some of have no shame.

Op I'm sorry for what you're going through. This would boil my blood too. If your cousin has a history of manipulation, narcissistic personality traits and general twatishness as you say, it would enrage me that she were using my parents death as a way to drum up sympathy and attention on social media.

I think you're best having it out with her and then, if it's not too problematic to do so, go NC as much as you can. She sounds like a nightmare who at best oversteps boundaries. You don't need it when you're trying to heal. If it's going to cause problems within your family to go NC then unfollow her on social media so you don't have to see this shit. Either way I think you should tell her how you feel.

So sorry for your loss x

I don’t understand how her behaviour is rude or selfish quite honestly

OP, I think you should just focus on the fact that a number of people here do understand. Perhaps some people have been lucky enough not to have people like this in their life, not lost a parent, or see the best in people’s actions.

Or they are the cousin

Comment on the social media post that your mum did not like this picture and wouldn’t have liked it being used. And that you her daughter feels the grief is compounded by seeing these posts on SM

So what if she flips? She can’t start a war she is only one little woman who is responsible for her own feelings. You don’t have to bear responsibility if she makes herself ill

[quote Wheresmywoolyjumpers]@EmpressCixi - if you truly don't get it then I can't explain it to you and am not going to waste time trying. As for the funeral - surely you can't be that dense? If it were a wedding would you be ok with a bunch of total strangers showing up? This is not about me but it is increasingly obvious that her lack of empathy for others is not unusual.[/quote]
I don’t get it. And I am not dense. You are over a year past your mum passing, but my father died five months ago. So, due to Covid we haven’t even been able to hold a funeral for him yet as I have family living abroad.

His death even had to go through a Coroners Inquest and I had to deal with that and reading & hearing the autopsy report. Ever read one of those and hear of the injuries and the comments on how fast or slow they died and how much blood had been lost? The second by second breakdown of their last moments?

Her friends were not a bunch of total strangers, they were her friends there to support her. You are making it about you, by calling her friends total strangers simply because they are strangers to you.

When I can hold a funeral for my father, I won’t be controlling who can come and who can’t. Anyone who wants to pay their respects no matter how slight the connection should be welcome to do so.

I am also in grieving like you are. But I would never presume to dictate to a close relative how they should grieve or act so possessive about my father.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

Family events are family events. She is not part of the nuclear family holding the funeral.

Wow. So your 1st cousin is not part of your family because only nuclear family count? If it’s only the nuclear family, wouldn’t that also mean that your mothers brothers and sisters (your aunts and uncles) are also not part of your family? The siblings she grew up with, not part of your family?

That’s very unusual in my opinion. To restrict family events like funerals to the nuclear family only (mother, father, children) excluding extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, in laws, cousins).

You are over a year past your mum passing

OP said her mum died last year, not that she died a year ago.

@Sashimimimi
Oops. My apologies. I misunderstood the “it was bad enough last year...” to mean last year when it was her mums birthday then?

So why can’t she pay for an obituary to her aunt as well
Because the immediate family do that. If my cousin had done that when my mom died everyone would have thought they were nuts ( and we all get on well).

And what is wrong with her inviting friends to the funeral?

Because, again, it's up to the immediate family. If she wanted to bring a friend, she should have asked the deceased's nearest relatives if they minded I wouldn't want someone at my mother's funeral who had never even met them.

I'm very sorry about your Dad.