Cousin remarks about my dead mother

[Wheresmywoolyjumpers]

I have an incredibly manipulative, narc cousin. We are close in age and are only kids, so spent a lot of time with growing up. She was always spoiled, and if things were not done her way would make herself physically ill to get her own way.

Now she lives in a different part of the country, comes down once or twice a year, talks about herself incessantly and then goes home. Parents put up with it because they have always felt sorry for her but are always happy when she leaves.

10 years ago I moved back to this town to help care of mum. She died last year and arranging the funeral was made 10 worse by her behaviour - she wrote an obituary in a national paper 'announcing the death of her aunt', used a photo of my mum that mum hated and got loads of stuff wrong. Invited a bunch of her friends to the funeral that none of the family knew. And lots of other things. I finally told her to back off and she seemed to get it.

It was mums birthday the other day. Turns out cousin posted on SM announcing it, with the same awful picture, and lots of stuff designed to get sympathy for her loss. I am so furious and sickened. It was bad enough last year, but at least it could be put down to grief. This latest is so manipulative and all about her, nothing really about my mother. And no mention of her mothers children or husband. I am just so disgusted and heartsick. I am tempted to rip into her.

Should I say something and risk starting a war with a narcissist or let it go and keep trying to avoid her?

OP, she sounds like a drama queen. Go NC.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER - I am sorry to hear that. How awful. Thank god for continents.

@dramallama55 - thank you.

@How2Help - you are quite right.

@EmpressCixi - I am sorry for your loss. I hope you allowed to grieve how you need to without anyone highjacking it.

I had a very similar situation. Eventually snapped, told them to piss off and now have been 100% NC for 13 years. This shows how narc they really were in that they didn't check in if any of us were coping with the grief. Did nothing for any of my siblings although they supported and helped her for decades. No regrets.

And I can't imagine how your poor Dad must have felt when he found out about her doing an obituary. I'm sorry.

@2bazookas

She's doing it to impress, bully, hurt, demand your attention. Don't give her what she wants. Just ignore her, totally blank her,. don't respond . Not a single word .

Remember, nothing she has done can hurt your mother, or changes anybody's memories of your mother.

It's empty posturing by a nutcase cousin and discredits only herself.

I agree with this. Shes after your attention, remonstrating, arguing with her etc Its the Narcs supply, like oxygen, they need it. Cut off her oxygen, go grey rock. Im so sorry, she sounds awful but NOTHING you do will change her and the more you engage the worse she will be.

She sounds like a bitch, but I don’t understand why you haven’t blocked and deleted her on all platforms?

Is she now hassling your dad?

I’m so sorry about your mum

@StarbucksSmarterSister

So why can’t she pay for an obituary to her aunt as well Because the immediate family do that. If my cousin had done that when my mom died everyone would have thought they were nuts ( and we all get on well).

And what is wrong with her inviting friends to the funeral?

Because, again, it's up to the immediate family. If she wanted to bring a friend, she should have asked the deceased's nearest relatives if they minded I wouldn't want someone at my mother's funeral who had never even met them.

I'm very sorry about your Dad.

@StarbucksSmarterSister

Thank you.
I don’t know why but, things are not so formal in my family or around here about asking permission of “closest” relative and such like regarding obituaries and funerals. I think people would think it nuts if my cousin had done an obituary but I had not done one, but no one thinks that there can be only one obituary? If you know what I mean?
As well as many family obituaries, my fathers parish priest at his church did an obituary for example.

@EmpressCixi - I am sorry for your loss. I hope you allowed to grieve how you need to without anyone highjacking it.

Point taken. I am also sorry you lost your mum. These are difficult times. It might help to just ignore your cousin in this as it’s affecting you so deeply. Take the high road. If you confront her, it will end badly for you both.

@MrsJulianFawcett

I couldn’t agree less with the PPs suggesting she is allowed to own her grief. It’s not grief it’s attention seeking at its worst. My SIL sobbed through my DM’s funeral, even had to be supported by her daughter beside the coffin (oh the drama!). couldn’t give a flying wotsit about her in life. Unfortunately you’ll have to rise above it. All of the FB emotionally supportive responses are utterly shallow and meaningless anyway. FB is a breeding ground for attention seeking, vain and vacuous people, who have little empathy in real life. We’ve never met but I send you my best wishes, I know how hard it is to lose your mum.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. 😔 my mum is EoL care right now and my SiL will, i fear, act as yours did at the funeral, when the time comes. My SIL couldn't give a shit about my mum for last 15 years but all of a sudden wants to visit her 🙄 she's hovering round; probably thinking she'll get ££ (she's in for a shock!) I just don't understand how people can be so bloody evil and horrible. OP....im sorry that you're having to deal with this family member but if you've nothing to lose, tell her and then block...for your own sanity and mental health remove her from your life. X

Your cousin sounds like someone I know who did the same thing to me with my mother's death! She wrote a poem about my DM's death and put it on SM, did a video diary on YT dedicated to her. I couldn't believe it and wanted to call her out but people said maybe she was grieving too and leave her to it. Not a single message from her with condolences either. My own DM severely disliked her which made it worse. I've cut off all contact connecting us and want nothing more to do with her.

I have no suggestions other than a stern talking to and a big fuck you followed by NC. That's only because it's what I wish I did sooner but not necessarily the right thing.

Sorry for your loss and grief, you don't need that behaviour or indeed her in your life.
Do whatever you feel is right for you. Clearly she couldn't care less about you or your feelings.

OP your cousin clearly has no emotional intelligence; there is something called 'ring theory' regarding bereavement/catastrophic events. The support is supposed to go into the middle of the circle, ie the victim's immediate family. Your cousin is tone deaf if she doesn't get this without it being explained explicitly.
Is your cousin neuro-typical ?
Regarding placing obituaries, it's standard practice for extended family to check with the immediate relative/s what newspaper-the local one usually & what date the verses are going in; so all appear together. Never known any different.
Very rude of your cousin to invite strangers to your Mum's funeral. Again, someone with an iota of common sense, knows you check with the immediate family who are hosting/paying for the event. Please don't say she had the temerity to bring these people to your mother's wake too? How embarrassing if she did.

@Onlyhuman123
My SIL has done some vile things over the years, so I shouldn’t have been surprised at her behaviour when my mum was in EoL care, but the funeral carry-on was unexpected. Friends commented afterwards on her remarkable acting skills..
I hope your mum is being as well looked after as my mum was, and she’s able to face the end in peace and comfort x

Openly call her out on it & dump her sorry ass.

I had a friend like this. DH called her the grief tourist as she was forever posting about someone she knew dying & milking it for sympathy.

She tripped herself up big time when she posted about the death of an old friend of mine I had no idea that she knew. She clearly didn't know them at all when I spoke to her about it, but they were her Bessie mate according to her post. I called her out on it & dropped her sorry ass as I was so pissed off about her using others grief for attention seeking

@2bazookas

She's doing it to impress, bully, hurt, demand your attention. Don't give her what she wants. Just ignore her, totally blank her,. don't respond . Not a single word .

Remember, nothing she has done can hurt your mother, or changes anybody's memories of your mother.

It's empty posturing by a nutcase cousin and discredits only herself.

Excellent post.

This is exactly what it is.

I can imagine your fury and annoyance.

But block her on everything.

Do NOT allow her to visit.

Tell her calmly to NEVER contact you again if you meet her.

Or take great pleasure in telling her she is dead to you and she is NEVER to come near you again....and then forget about her.

Tell any family member that "🤚don't speak of her to me".

She is a loser.
Don't allow her to take your peace.
Focus on remembering your mum yourself.

As is often the way in real life, this thread is neatly divided into people who wouldn’t dream of hijacking someone else’s grief and those who can’t see what’s wrong with it and would possibly do it themselves.
Very very annoying and upsetting op, so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Sorry for your loss OP

I fear your cousin would LOVE it if you called her out in public. She would have a huge new event to cry about and post about and garner sympathy over - you would be painted as the evil one who could not understand the pain of her loss. She’d milk that forever.

Everything would get twisted until she was your victim and the grieving one, and your anger would be fuel for her fire.

really you only option is to grey rock I think. Block and ignore.

On no, I should have been clearer, definitely don't call her out in public,

she'd thrive on that drama. But definitely tell her verbally no texts to share, narcs love those that you've got her attention seeking number, she disgusts you & you are therefore cutting her out of your life & then block her on everything

@EmpressCixi - the issue of the obit was that we would have gotten to it, but she rushed it and took it over so she got her name in the national newspaper. Which was the point of it all, it was not really about mum, or she would have checked and got the details right. So part of my distress was all the people commenting on her lovely tribute. And that is what it all comes down to - it is not authentic grief, it is all drama and posturing for attention. And there is a big difference between that and needing support after a loss.

So many sad stories on here, and so much wonderful support, so thank you to those people who reached out. I sent a very short message pointing out that she had reposted a picture that mum hated. And will leave it at that. Finished with her social media, not going to host her if she wants to come up. I have not told my dad and won't be - but thank god he cant use a computer. Thank you all, and much love and support to those of you dealing with emotionally vampiric relatives, insensitivity and cluelessness.

I would delete and block her on social media.

Block all her social media and crucially, tell the family member who told you about her post to not tell you anything that she posts, it’s really unhelpful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I would block her on SM and tell her to fuck off, she's not welcome to visit any more.