AIBU to think it’s a bit weird DH wasn’t invited?

[MhollyLu]

My DH started a new job about three months ago. The team he has joined is a small one of 5 (all male) and he has been shadowing the guy he is replacing, who has been showing him the ropes in his new role. My DH has gotten to know them all quite well, including the one he is taking over from and they’re all on friendly terms from what I hear.

The other night, all his team members had leaving drinks for the one my DH is replacing, but they didn’t invite my husband. The rest of them go back several years together so I suppose they just wanted all the ‘original’ team there, but my DH felt a bit awkward about it and puzzled that he was left out - he would have appreciated an invite.

They have a work WhatsApp group too that’s just their team and one member sent through a pic from the night out, captioned “[departing member’s] leaving do”, which was the first DH had heard about it.

AIBU to think that it was a bit weird they didn’t invite him, just out of courtesy? They’re all of a similar age, so it’s not really an age gap thing. He’s shrugging it off at the minute saying it’s just a professional relationship and he hasn’t known them anywhere near as long as they’ve known each other, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed for him as it’s taken some of the shine off his new job, which he really loves.

I don’t think it’s weird no

I don’t really want to say what industry it is btw as it’s quite niche. But there are a couple of team members who’ve invited him out for lunch etc before so I doubt that it’s a disliking him thing?

I think it's fine. They would feel (and should feel) like they would need to be professional to welcome a new member of staff. This is not about your husband. It's about the chap that's leaving.

No not weird at all. I think they wanted to say goodbye to their friend and colleague. The night was about him - not his replacement.

It doesn’t matter what industry it is, it’s not weird at all. It’s a social thing rather than a work thing, so they get to invite who they want, they’ve worked together a long time, probably have lots of stories about times gone by and gentle ribbing of the guy who is moving on. Your husband is not part of the long established gang yet. He’s being silly, if he wants a night out with them why doesn’t he just suggest one rather than muscling in on one he wasn’t invited to.

I don't see a problem with this. They go back a number of years and would want to reminisce. Your husband would change the dynamic a bit, and he wouldn't have been involved in a lot of what they talk about. I understand not inviting him.

Expect you’re right that it’s an ‘original team’ thing and nothing to do with personal dislike. He’ll probably be invited to things in future.

Also, maybe the leaver arranged the drinks?

Why are you feeling sad for a grown man because he’s not made friends yet at his new job, I’m sure he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t make a thing about not being invited. He’s not a child starting a new school where you encourage him to ask a classmate over to play in the hope they become friends.

@Blueberryflavour well he’s not ‘muscling in’, he just said he’d have appreciated an invite as they’ve all become quite friendly. He’s not planning to make a thing about it either, what would be the point? I just thought it was odd they didn’t ask him as he works with them too, albeit for nowhere near as long, but I appreciate seeing it from other people’s point of view - it’s most likely not personal and they want to concentrate on the guy that’s leaving.

Same thing happened when I joined a team. I'd have liked to have been invited and would invite other new people if I was in that position in the future, but also understood their possible reasons so didn't dwell. Tell him to try not taking it personally and arrange a social outing for the future instead.

Thanks, yes, that’s what I wanted to say to him about it. The background is more that we are both hopeful this job works out for him, and a big part of its success depends on the camaraderie of the team. But there will be other opportunities for socialising I’m sure.

I actually do think its a bit rude, mainly the photo on the whatsapp group. Inviting everyone exceot one person, then putting a picture up of the social event for everyone to see.

Im sure they mean nothing by it, but its just a bit thoughtless.

I think it does totally depend on team dynamics and size of company/dept. In such a small team it can take a lot of time to be accepted.

I would still find it a bit of a sting though.

Yes the person leaving shouldn't feel obliged to invite their replacement to their leaving do. And bear in mind your H may not know the full picture of their leaving (3 months is a looooong handover time...)

You mentioned the team is all men. Ime I have to say, men older than 40 simply don't socialise like women do. They don't think about "oh we should include new bloke".

I think it’s odd. When new people join our team we do everything we can to make them feel welcome, which would definitely include inviting them to any social events like leaving dos.

It’s thoughtless to put up such a pic in the group. I’d have felt awkward and left out receiving that. I wonder if it was arranged a while ago and no one remembered to invite your husband ( though the handover period is quite long and team small).

I think it would be odd to invite your replacement to your leaving party, unless a very big event.

Surely they want to tell him he was great at the job, they'll miss him, big shoes to fill etc

It would just be awkward for your dh imo.

The photo was a bit insensitive but I don’t think the lack of an invitation is unfair. Personally, whenever I’ve attended leaving drinks they’ve descended into the quitter getting asked about why they’re leaving (especially as people get drunker), or about their honest opinion on things/the business, as they’ve finally got the freedom to say whatever they want without fear of repercussions.

Long story short I imagine some things were touched on (among his close, longstanding colleagues) that your DH wouldn’t have benefitted from hearing. For example - maybe the projects got boring, maybe the pay is much better somewhere else for the same role, maybe the company is changing in a way he doesn’t appreciate - who knows his reasons, but I imagine having your DH there would have changed the dynamic massively and he wouldn’t have been comfortable being as honest/frank.

The last place I worked, there was a do for a number of staff who had recently left, the new staff were excluded because it was nothing to do with them. In fact it would have been very awkward. Nothing against the new staff, but they were new. We didn't know if we could trust them, because there was a lot of frank talk about the company. It was not a slur against the new staff it was just we didn't know them.

Yabu.

DH has been anxious to click with this team so I was just hoping it wasn’t a personal thing. Thanks for the different perspectives.

In your DH's shoes, I would have felt awkward to be invited.

Why is he puzzled? This is about saying goodbye. Is he actually bothered about it or are you just feeling defensive on his behalf?

I'm only asking because I can get quite huffy if I feel DH has been wronged even if he doesn't give a shite.

I doubt very much its a personal thing. Probably a mixture of organisational culture and thoughtlessness.

As he's been there three months it's borderline, but I think the general rule is not to invite your replacement to your leaving do! It would be a bit awkward surely?

But if they have regular drinks as an office I would expect him to be invited to the next one (that isn't a leaving do).

I wouldn't dwell on it - they are saying goodbye to a friend/colleague of several years.