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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it’s a bit weird DH wasn’t invited?

60 replies

MhollyLu · 16/01/2022 02:04

My DH started a new job about three months ago. The team he has joined is a small one of 5 (all male) and he has been shadowing the guy he is replacing, who has been showing him the ropes in his new role. My DH has gotten to know them all quite well, including the one he is taking over from and they’re all on friendly terms from what I hear.

The other night, all his team members had leaving drinks for the one my DH is replacing, but they didn’t invite my husband. The rest of them go back several years together so I suppose they just wanted all the ‘original’ team there, but my DH felt a bit awkward about it and puzzled that he was left out - he would have appreciated an invite.

They have a work WhatsApp group too that’s just their team and one member sent through a pic from the night out, captioned “[departing member’s] leaving do”, which was the first DH had heard about it.

AIBU to think that it was a bit weird they didn’t invite him, just out of courtesy? They’re all of a similar age, so it’s not really an age gap thing. He’s shrugging it off at the minute saying it’s just a professional relationship and he hasn’t known them anywhere near as long as they’ve known each other, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed for him as it’s taken some of the shine off his new job, which he really loves.

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/01/2022 05:09

It would be awkward to invite the replacement to the leaving party.
Would you invite the ex-wife to the engagement party for Wife #2?
I am sure he will be invited to work events when he is officially part of the team and the other guy is officially gone.

WTF475878237NC · 16/01/2022 05:14

I agree three months is no time at all and they just wanted to get together as friends whereas he's a new colleague.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 16/01/2022 05:15

@GeorgiaGirl52

It would be awkward to invite the replacement to the leaving party. Would you invite the ex-wife to the engagement party for Wife #2? I am sure he will be invited to work events when he is officially part of the team and the other guy is officially gone.

Bit of a weird comparison.....

Allaboutyou222 · 16/01/2022 05:30

I think it’s rude and cliquey. I am left out of things at work, makes you feel shit.

AlDanvers · 16/01/2022 05:34

They have a much longer friendship. Having someone new there changes the dynamic.

They may also want to talk about things, they feel like they can't talk about in front of your dh.

I think your dh needs to realise he can fit in, but not be part of everything immediately.

Original poster

MhollyLu · 16/01/2022 05:37

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou because he's part of the team and has been working with leaver too, albeit for a much shorter period of time. DH just said he would have appreciated being asked - as I mentioned he's keen to click with them. But willing to accept AIBU as it looks like there could be any number of reasons he wasn't asked, that aren't necessarily a personal slight.

A few posters have mentioned a person wouldn't invite their replacement to their leaving so - not that it makes much difference, but by subsequent messages DH showed me I don't think the leaver himself organised the night, it was the team leader.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 16/01/2022 06:01

Organising a night out and deliberately not telling him then putting up pictures of it on the whatsapp group he’s part of is incredibly crass.

It’s understandable to not invite him for a leaving do for the person he’s replacing, but to then put pictures of it out there is essentially rubbing it in his face.

I worked for a company where my whole team used to go on nights out to which I was never invited. They used to chat about their night beforehand, arrange where they were each going to meet/what they were going to wear etc, and after the event they would laugh and joke about what they did/what was said etc. Being the one person not included in that is incredibly hurtful. I could live with not being invited, but standing around my desk chatting about it gave out a very deliberate message. But when I mentioned the fact to my manager I was told that the problem was me and not them.

Phrowzunn · 16/01/2022 06:04

If I was organising a leaving do for someone I don’t think I would invite their replacement, no matter how much we all liked them. It’s just awkward. Imagine everyone going on about how much leaver is going to be missed and how they wished he could stay while your husband is sitting there being like ‘great, thanks’. It absolutely isn’t anything personal, it just would have been weird for your husband to be there. I’m sure he’ll be invited to things from now on.

TimeForTheChristmasTree · 16/01/2022 06:08

I think it’s rude - and has made your DH feel awkward. As it’s such a small team, it would have been better to invite him. If I was your DH, I would feel crap about it. Especially them adding a photo to the WhatsApp group - but people very often don’t consider the feelings of others, so I bet it isn’t anything personal.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 16/01/2022 06:08

Well, he won't click with them if he doesn't accept that it was perfectly normal for him not to be invited!

Just tell him to let it go. It doesn't mean he is unpopular.

It's just an old crew goodbye. No one wants the new guy there.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 16/01/2022 06:12

@TimeForTheChristmasTree

It's more likely that they actually were considering his feelings and worried he may feel awkward and obliged if asked.

TopCatsTopHat · 16/01/2022 06:24

This is just a dynamics thing not personal at all. They want to give the leaver big slaps on the back and be able to express how sorry they are to see him go without having to dial that down cos his replacement is stood right there!
They want to rake over all the old memories and jokes without having to make sure the new guy, who doesn't know them that well yet, doesn't get the wrong impression or feel left out.
Sharing the photo might have been tactless, or they might have assumed he would understand it wasn't a regular night out and be trying to be transparent about it so not hiding they'd gone without him, which could give impression he's been excluded, and they want to avoid that.
I'd say he should trust his judgement and if he feels he's getting on well with them then he's doing fine. There'll be plenty of other occasions for him to join in on socials. Ones where the dynamic would be balanced and not awkward.

TopCatsTopHat · 16/01/2022 06:29

few posters have mentioned a person wouldn't invite their replacement to their leaving so - not that it makes much difference, but by subsequent messages DH showed me I don't think the leaver himself organised the night, it was the team leader.

It's irrelevant who organised it, the considerations are the same.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 16/01/2022 06:56

I've worked in large and small companies, and I would say it's slightly unusual for a full team to be invited minus one person. If it were just "work mates" then it would more likely include at least one outside the team, if it's organised by a team leader then it's even more strange. The only time I've seen it was with a couple of different teams, the only link was both sets were unhappy and each had a specific individual who was stirring trouble. Happy functional teams are inclusive. So I would think they wanted to have a private moan about the company, not healthy and high risk that more of them will leave.

pictish · 16/01/2022 07:26

@mjf981

I don't see a problem with this. They go back a number of years and would want to reminisce. Your husband would change the dynamic a bit, and he wouldn't have been involved in a lot of what they talk about. I understand not inviting him.

This, I think. They wanted it just the old team for old times sake. I doubt it’s a slight against your dh.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/01/2022 07:34

WhatsApp photo was pretty inappropriate, they rest is totally reasonable. You said he has been invited to other things and I'm sure will be in the future but this is about leaving guy not welcoming new starts. It's nothing personal likely. He could always suggest a night out in the near future but 3 months is still quite a short time so don't let it affect his feelings about his new job.

Prinnny · 16/01/2022 07:37

No I don’t think it’s rude. It’s a group of men who have worked together a long time saying goodbye to a friend. Why would they invite his replacement? I’m sure in time he will form his own friendships with them but you can’t rush these things.

tapeandglue · 16/01/2022 07:52

YABU - it's a bit weird to invite the replacement to someone's leaving drinks. Irrespective of who organises. The night is about saying goodbye to the outgoing person and implying how irreplaceable they are. You can't do that in front of the actual replacement - that's just rude and awkward!

Now, if DH isn't invited to drinks after the outgoing colleague leaves, then it's a bit weird. In a few years, if they're all still there, I might expect them to offer for him to tag along if they're meeting up with the ex colleague, but not to get him involved in any of the planning, i.e. not to be able to influence the day or time. And for it to be a casual throwaway word-of-mouth invite.

This isn't about your DH's relationships. It's not about him.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 16/01/2022 08:00

It is odd. My last job, I was texted the week before I started to give me time to arrange childcare so I could attend leaving drinks for someone who I would work with for 3 days.

It’s part of building a close team is to ensure everyone is always invited. Certainly don’t exclude one person!

stuntbubbles · 16/01/2022 08:16

It was Bob’s leaving do, not Kevin’s welcome do – they wanted the focus on the past, and conversation about what Bob is up to next, not to ask “how about you, Kevin?” or constantly have to explain favourite anecdotes by giving context and explanations.

It was one event. If your DH gets left out of things in future, then he’s got more information about workplace culture. But in this instance I think he’s making a mountain out of a molehill.

WheekestLink · 16/01/2022 08:22

I think that's strange and would assume they don't like him very much.

I've always invited everyone to a work night out, especially new people as you want to make them feel included...even when you don't click with them, which is why I think it's strange he's not invited.

Lolalasagna · 16/01/2022 08:29

I think its quite normal. I had quite a long handover period with a predecessor and it was explained to me that I wasn't invited to her leaving do as they thought it would be a bit weird for her and for me, and they wanted to make the night all about her without any awkwardness. I wasn't at all offended!

Nesbo · 16/01/2022 08:38

Some people’s descriptions of leaving dos sound more like a wake!

The ones I go to normally involve a few words at some point from someone to say goodbye to the leaver with a couple of anecdotes, and the rest of the time it’s like any other work do, with people in various groups having a chat.

Some people will have known the person leaving very well, so might spend more time chatting with them. Others won’t know them so well and mainly talk with people they do know. Nothing about it is remotely awkward for their replacement (it’s perfectly possible to be sad to see someone go whilst really liking the new joiner). They haven’t been full of in jokes that need explaining all the time (although doing that is part of making a new joiner feel welcome).

I guess it just shows that work cultures can vary a lot, so what is normal in one might be very odd in another.

MoiraNotRuby · 16/01/2022 08:41

You don't invite the replacement to the leaving do. You just don't!

I think the photo on WhatsApp is fine. Much better than it being a secret do that your dh was excluded from.

PrivateHall · 16/01/2022 08:42

Given he has been there for 3 months, yeh it would have been nice to have invited him. I can see why he was taken aback as it is weird not even mentioning it in front of him. Try and not read too much into it if you can, I am sure your DH is doing just fine and things will settle down now the other guy is away.

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