AIBU to think it’s a bit weird DH wasn’t invited?

[MhollyLu]

My DH started a new job about three months ago. The team he has joined is a small one of 5 (all male) and he has been shadowing the guy he is replacing, who has been showing him the ropes in his new role. My DH has gotten to know them all quite well, including the one he is taking over from and they’re all on friendly terms from what I hear.

The other night, all his team members had leaving drinks for the one my DH is replacing, but they didn’t invite my husband. The rest of them go back several years together so I suppose they just wanted all the ‘original’ team there, but my DH felt a bit awkward about it and puzzled that he was left out - he would have appreciated an invite.

They have a work WhatsApp group too that’s just their team and one member sent through a pic from the night out, captioned “[departing member’s] leaving do”, which was the first DH had heard about it.

AIBU to think that it was a bit weird they didn’t invite him, just out of courtesy? They’re all of a similar age, so it’s not really an age gap thing. He’s shrugging it off at the minute saying it’s just a professional relationship and he hasn’t known them anywhere near as long as they’ve known each other, but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed for him as it’s taken some of the shine off his new job, which he really loves.

they thought it would be a bit weird for her and for me, and they wanted to make the night all about her without any awkwardness
Some people seem to have mixed up their DP moving on to a new woman with a job. "All about her", ludicrous, it isn't her wedding day!

If it was a general night out then yes I think it would be incredibly rude but given it’s a leaving do I think it’s absolutely normal and your husband needs to accept that it would have been weird for him to be involved in that.

I think the photo in the WhatsApp group was crass though and that would have upset me too.

Perhaps he could suggest a night out in a month or so if he wants to socialise with colleagues more.

I don't think it's odd either, if I was lea King a small team of people I know very well it would totally change the dynamic of the evening to have my replacement pitch up who didn't share a history, know all the in jokes, be bored by office reminiscing. It could change the whole mood of the evening

I don’t think it’s odd. They’ve known each other for years and want to say goodbye to their colleague/friend and reminisce, without the new bloke who doesn’t know all the in jokes and won’t know any of the background so would need things explaining all the time. This sounds like a goodbye to a friend. He’s not a friend.

I would find it really really weird if my replacement came to my leaving do. I don't think that would be appropriate.

YABU. I think it would be very weird having your replacement at your leavers do. I can’t imagine anyone being invited in these circumstances. I do think it was insensitive to post the photo on the group chat though

It's entirely fine. The person who is leaving is the focus of the evening. If your husband had been there it would have changed the dynamic. It might have been nice if his mentor had explained the purpose of the evening and why he hadn't been invited . In my experience, of men in the work place, they don't put that much time into thinking about the emotions of other men. Not in a nasty way, just doesn't really occur to them

Probably they've been a close knit team and just wanted a final night out together. I'm sure DH will be included going forward as he takes on the role. I have seen this before where people have become mates as much as colleagues. I don't he should be put off or offended by this at all.

I didn't go to the retirement party of the person I was replacing even though I'd shadowed her for a couple of weeks beforehand.

I think it's a bit crappy that your DH wasn't invited, but team dynamics can be a bit of a minefield.

Hopefully, this is just a one off opportunity for them to give the predecessor a final send off and your DH will be included in events going forward.