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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn’t a good way to discipline a child?

72 replies

Greenbluestar · 15/01/2022 23:04

Get them to write a Christmas list of ten things they want, no.1 being the thing they want most, no.2 being the thing they want second most, etc. Then slowly cross items off the list starting at 10, 9, 8, etc whenever they misbehave?

I don’t want to say who has done this as it’s abit outing but would be interested in your thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenbluestar · 15/01/2022 23:07

I forgot to say child is around the age of ten.

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 15/01/2022 23:08

Given that people use the Elf and Santa as ways to make children behave, that doesn’t surprise me.

N4ish · 15/01/2022 23:09

That’s horrible! Really nasty and controlling.

Thatsplentyjack · 15/01/2022 23:10

I know someone that has a "santa cam" in their children's bedrooms to make them behave.
The list is quite nasty but I suppose at 10 do they still believe in santa? And how bad is the behaviour?

PlantingTulips · 15/01/2022 23:13

I'd say that's cruel and also very poor parenting as it's not actually teaching the child about why the behaviour is bad or how they can change it.

I remember my parents giving me coal in my stockint at Christmas while my siblings got presents. I had undiagnosed autism. And my "bad behaviour" was largely down to me being abused by a family member.

Any parent resorting to this is a mess tbh. Why are they not engaging with their child and finding out what is upsetting them? "Bad" behaviour from children is usually communication that something is wrong.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 15/01/2022 23:13

That’s cruel.

ldontWanna · 15/01/2022 23:17

It's a really shitty thing to do and counterproductive, which makes it even worse.

Original poster

Greenbluestar · 15/01/2022 23:17

To be completely honest.. my step dad did this to me when I was a child. I never really thought about it but last year I had my first child and it’s been playing on my mind just a little. I don’t think my behaviour was that bad to be honest, I did give a little bit of ‘back chat’ and I would argue with my younger sister but nothing too bad (I don’t think). I could be wrong, I don’t know as I don’t remember much.

OP posts:

PlantingTulips · 15/01/2022 23:19

Also in any following year surely the poor child will simply refuse to write a Christmas list? This parent has turned part of the magic of childhood into spiteful way to control their child. Hideous.

Original poster

Greenbluestar · 15/01/2022 23:20

@PlantingTulips

I’m so sorry that happened to you, that’s bloody awful. I agree with you about behaviour being a form of communication.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/01/2022 23:21

I suppose it’s less unkind than the fairly widespread punishment method of removal of a favourite toy for every incidence of bad behaviour and having to earn it back with good behaviour. “Taking away” something they don’t have by crossing it off a list isn’t particularly punishing.

PlantingTulips · 15/01/2022 23:24

Sounds very similar to my step-father OP.

No, it's not ok.

I'm sorry you went through this. When you've had an abusive childhood it's hard to even understand that for a long time because it is your "normal".

Then you see other people's families, and it dawns on you, and it takes years to think you have a handle on it now and have dealt with it. Then BAM, when you have children of your own you suddenly realise what unconditional love it, how almost all parents love their child in that way, and it all hits you again because it's SO unfathomable that somebody could do that to their child. Rather than just thinking "how could somebody do that to someone else".

It's so painful and I'm so sorry. Focus on your own children and cut these people out of your life. You'll feel better for it, I promise.

Corcory · 15/01/2022 23:27

What the fuck are these parents thinking!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/01/2022 23:31

Well it could be worse, they could cross off from the top of the list down....

In all seriousness though wtf. It's cruel. And Christmas is 11.5 months away so it's also a completely pointless activity.

Also, not many 10 year olds still believe in Santa!

ListeningButNotHearing · 15/01/2022 23:35

Very cruel.

Original poster

Greenbluestar · 15/01/2022 23:35

@PlantingTulips

Wow. It’s almost like you’re inside my head.

Thank you.

I’m NC with most of my family now. I’ve got my own little family to focus on x

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 15/01/2022 23:39

I suppose it’s less unkind than the fairly widespread punishment method of removal of a favourite toy for every incidence of bad behaviour and having to earn it back with good behaviour

That’s true

Bortles · 16/01/2022 00:07

Do they also say 'mwuahahaha' every time they cross one off?

ClareBlue · 16/01/2022 01:25

It's cruel and is almost sadistic way of discipling children. Did you actually get everything left on the list at Christmas or was it all bullshit anyway.
I'd have put very very expensive things at the top.

And I get so pissed off with the connection between Christmas gifts and behaviour. God, I've dealt with so many children who grew up believing they were bad because their dysfunctional family never bought them any presents and all of society said it was because they were naughty children, not that they had shit parents and shit support systems.
Time to move on from this narrative.

PlantingTulips · 16/01/2022 03:40

[quote Greenbluestar]@PlantingTulips

Wow. It’s almost like you’re inside my head.

Thank you.

I’m NC with most of my family now. I’ve got my own little family to focus on x[/quote]
That's fantastic OP. This is the chance to make a different life. Focus on your family that you have made. That is all that matters now.

When you have the energy to do it, I really recommend EMDR as a way to finally lay things to rest without having therapy reactivate trauma by having to speak about awful memories you have buried.

SquidMonkey · 16/01/2022 03:48

@GrazingSheep

I suppose it’s less unkind than the fairly widespread punishment method of removal of a favourite toy for every incidence of bad behaviour and having to earn it back with good behaviour

That’s true

Who on Earth does that? Widespread?!

AlwaysLatte · 16/01/2022 03:50

That's awful, just having power over your kids for up to a whole year rather than real time withdrawal of privileges is just lazy and nasty.

alexdgr8 · 16/01/2022 04:03

and where was your mother in all this ?

1forAll74 · 16/01/2022 04:42

Yes that is quite a nasty thing to do if they make a Christmas list. When my two children were young, they didn't make a list for Christmas presents. They would tell me something that they really would wish for more than anything, so went along with this instead.

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 16/01/2022 06:05

This is not discipline. It certainly isn't Christmas!

Any Christmas that parents or Santa couldn't bring all we wanted or certain presents it was gently explained to us it was only because parents couldn't afford particular gift or when we were very young because Santa couldn't fit everything on his sleigh because he has the whole world to do in just one night and he is thinking of everyone. Also that Christmas is about fun not just money.

Every child at some point has to be scraped off the ceiling in the run up to Christmas due to overexcitedness. It is natural part of childhood around Christmas. It has nothing to do with a child's behaviour or consequences.

Christmas is about goodwill to all, love, kindness family and forgiveness.

Not an exercise in control and emotional psychological terrorism.

It is abuse. Psycholgical and emotional abuse.

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