To think this isn’t a good way to discipline a child?

[Greenbluestar]

Get them to write a Christmas list of ten things they want, no.1 being the thing they want most, no.2 being the thing they want second most, etc. Then slowly cross items off the list starting at 10, 9, 8, etc whenever they misbehave?

I don’t want to say who has done this as it’s abit outing but would be interested in your thoughts?

The bar shouldn't be set at "could this be considered abuse?"

There is no telling what the next generation will see as unforgivable sins of parenting. Turning off wifi at nights? Or on the contrary?
I personally don't like the threat approach to discipline. I prefer the method that if a kid wants a specific thing, they have to earn it with good behaviour, schoolwork, or helping at home. Not different really, just not so negative, and not tied to Xmas/birthdays.

@CatsArePeople

The bar shouldn't be set at "could this be considered abuse?"

There is no telling what the next generation will see as unforgivable sins of parenting. Turning off wifi at nights? Or on the contrary?
I personally don't like the threat approach to discipline. I prefer the method that if a kid wants a specific thing, they have to earn it with good behaviour, schoolwork, or helping at home. Not different really, just not so negative, and not tied to Xmas/birthdays.

But it's the negative context that makes it inappropriate/toxic/cruel/possibly abusive. It was purely an exercise in ensuring OP didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.

But it's the negative context that makes it inappropriate/toxic/cruel/possibly abusive. It was purely an exercise in ensuring OP didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.

But its the child's POV, not the parent's. The parent probably though that this would motivate the child to get their act together. Hit and miss really, not exactly abuse.

@CatsArePeople

But it's the negative context that makes it inappropriate/toxic/cruel/possibly abusive. It was purely an exercise in ensuring OP didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.

But its the child's POV, not the parent's. The parent probably though that this would motivate the child to get their act together. Hit and miss really, not exactly abuse.

Well that's the excuse used by abusive parents everywhere. Very few will actually admit that they were abusive and that their behaviour was for any other reason than the child's "own good".

As a one off it's bad parenting.
As a part of a pattern of behaviours it can definitely be abusive.

It doesn't teach children good behaviour and the path/rational thought to it. It just teaches them to not trust the adult, and the smart ones would just stop asking for what they really want. I'd bet anything that OP didn't make it even one Christmas with a full list.

@PlantingTulips

I'd say that's cruel and also very poor parenting as it's not actually teaching the child about why the behaviour is bad or how they can change it.

I remember my parents giving me coal in my stockint at Christmas while my siblings got presents. I had undiagnosed autism. And my "bad behaviour" was largely down to me being abused by a family member.

Any parent resorting to this is a mess tbh. Why are they not engaging with their child and finding out what is upsetting them? "Bad" behaviour from children is usually communication that something is wrong.

This.

It doesn't teach children good behaviour and the path/rational thought to it. It just teaches them to not trust the adult, and the smart ones would just stop asking for what they really want.

This I kinda agree, but then... how do you ever correct and discipline a child so they don't grow up resentful for not getting everything they wanted? There is no single recipe or one size fits all.

@CatsArePeople

It doesn't teach children good behaviour and the path/rational thought to it. It just teaches them to not trust the adult, and the smart ones would just stop asking for what they really want.

This I kinda agree, but then... how do you ever correct and discipline a child so they don't grow up resentful for not getting everything they wanted? There is no single recipe or one size fits all.

Well one step would be to not deliberately ask for what they really want,make them do a list and then cross items off that list for (according to OP) minor transgressions.

I try (fuck knows if it's working, and I already messed up a billion times so far) to be fair, consistent and honest. So if I say no I'll explain why you're too young for it, it's too expensive, you already have 30 version of some kind of shitty tiny toy under the sofa, I'm not adding another one etc. I never use Christmas (or anything associated with it) or birthdays as a behaviour /discipline tool.

Atm it works. I'm sure she'll hit the teen years and I'll be eating my words and rocking in a corner somewhere.

I try (fuck knows if it's working, and I already messed up a billion times so far) to be fair, consistent and honest

It's very likely that the kid will think its NOT FAIR.

I personaly delay (not cancel) purchases or treats. They will still get that toy, or go to cinema eventually, maybe next week, just not today because they pissed me off for time being.

@CatsArePeople

I try (fuck knows if it's working, and I already messed up a billion times so far) to be fair, consistent and honest

It's very likely that the kid will think its NOT FAIR.

I personaly delay (not cancel) purchases or treats. They will still get that toy, or go to cinema eventually, maybe next week, just not today because they pissed me off for time being.

Fair enough. That's definitely a natural consequence.

I'll give an example to explain a bit better(and probably make it worse) my point of view.

A lot of people would think cancelling an activity after school because the child isn't doing their homework is probably a good idea. Maybe even fair and completely the right decision in a lot of cases and probably would count as a natural consequence.

Now the context. Kid is only 8/9 , it was their first time doing the activity and they were very excited and with the change of routine they (genuinely)forgot one piece of homework out of 3. Kid is entirely responsible for their own homework, getting themselves to school, packing the uniform for the activity etc. They simply forgot. The kid wasn't allowed to return to the activity again. The parent would say the child couldn't be trusted, and maybe it was too much ,education is much more important and the activity had to go. The kid just knows they fucked up, didn't get a chance to fix it or show they can do better and that it was very unfair to miss out on something they really enjoyed and they're angry at themselves and the parent.

That’s just plain nasty.

Kid is only 8/9

At that age, it's really a parent's job to monitor homework. Primary aged kids just don't have the maturity yet. Punishing for parenting failure really.

I think expecting an 8 year old to be "entirely responsible for their own homework, getting themselves to school, packing the uniform for the activity etc" is waaaay too much. My 10 year old does most of this but I check and help as we go along. Punishing a primary age kid fir not managing their full timetable of activities single handedly is pretty harsh.

That's sad OP, sorry you dealt with that.

Can't believe the perfect parents now think confiscating a toy is practically abuse now tho😂😂

That is awful.

I have never removed a toy / other from my children for poor behaviour. I think it’s a stupid way of doing things.

Can't believe the perfect parents now think confiscating a toy is practically abuse now tho😂

Surely it's not abuse, but if its the harshest punishment the kid has faced - that will be seen as abuse in years to come.
I guess what boils down with any disciplinary action is the lessons learned - did the child learn to not do that or do they just see themselves as victims of great injustice?

I can relate to OP because my own parents would invent a punishment to get out of doing/buying something for me. In reality, I would not have understood an adult explanation that "i can't be arsed and its a ridiculous sum of money to spend on plastic junk" - they'd be like "Oh, you want shit? Ah, but you backchatted/didn't clean up/got a bad grade some 3 weeks ago - no shit for you!"

Why are people so bloody unkind and cruel towards their children? I hear occasionally about these "creative" punishments and honestly, I think the parents just look like sociopaths. I know someone who used to pretend to call the police on her 3/4 year old - horrible.

I don't think there's a perfect way of setting boundaries and disciplining children. But as a rule of thumb, shouldn't we at least be able to demonstrate some empathy and show some collaboration with young children? We should be showing and helping them how to behave well, not dictating some arbitrary rules enforced by arbitrary punishments.

It's awful. But that's pretty much how Christmas looks like from the outside to me. So I'm not sure why you think it's outing? It's all elf/ god/ Santa is watching be good or else.

I know someone who used to pretend to call the police on her 3/4 year old - horrible.

Its a scare tactic rather than discipline. Sometimes the child just is unable to comprehend the reasons WHY they shouldn't be doing something, i.e. playing with fire. "You'll burn the house down" is just too abstract and far fetched. Pretending to call the police is harsh but something the particular kid would understand immediately.

@PlantingTulips I’ve often thought about EMDR for the abuse I suffered but the thought of reliving it again puts me off. Good to know you don’t have to relive it. How did it help you?

@3scape

It's awful. But that's pretty much how Christmas looks like from the outside to me. So I'm not sure why you think it's outing? It's all elf/ god/ Santa is watching be good or else.

This is true. I have friends who use "Santa is watching" to encourage good behaviour from about September. Its all bollocks though because no matter how naughty the DC are they still get a massive pile of presents. Not sure how this helps.

This is true. I have friends who use "Santa is watching" to encourage good behaviour from about September. Its all bollocks though because no matter how naughty the DC are they still get a massive pile of presents. Not sure how this helps.

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not put
I'm telling you why

That’s horrible!