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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the ideal mother in law looks like?

64 replies

motherormonsterinlaw · 15/01/2022 10:11

I've seen all sorts on here about mother in laws, whether to add them on Facebook when relationship is new, how they call to see where their precious son is if the relationship has broken down, how they expect to come visit for a week at a moments notice, favour certain GC, show distain if a GC is a certain sex, turn up unexpectedly on your holiday etc etc etc

I realise this is the extreme of MiL relationships but what does the ideal mother in law look like for you?

OP posts:
DarlingDarwin · 15/01/2022 10:21

My mother in law is supportive and kind, she expects very little from me. Makes a fuss of me , tells me how great the kids are. Tells me she’s grateful that I make and effort to visit often with the kids. Makes my favourite food 😂 and she talks to me like a friend about what is going on in her life. Basically it’s two adults isn’t it, whatever you would want your friends to be like, you want your mother in law to be like.

RampantIvy · 15/01/2022 10:24

My late MIL was lovely.

We never lived near each other so we only saw each other about every 6 weeks or so.

The first time I met her she hugged me. She was quite a straight talking woman, and so am I, and we just "got" each other. We didn't always agree on things - she was rather homophobic and racist, but I used to say "we will have to agree to disagree on this" and then moved on.

She was kind hearted, generous and loving. After my mother died she was like a second mother to me. When she stayed with us I gave her space when she wanted it, and she gave us space when we wanted it when we stayed with her.

She never saw me as someone who "took her son away". If anything she saw more of him because we both liked going to visit, and she looked on it as gaining another daughter. DH had moved away from home so she wouldn't have seen him that often anyway.

I think she was intelligent enough to realise that if she made me feel welcome she would see more of DH. She used to tell her friends what a lovely DIL she had, and I used to tell my friends how lovely my MIL was.

She was especially touched when DH was out of the country, and I decided to visit her without him. It was because I wanted to see her rather than being obliged to go with DH.

MrsKDB · 15/01/2022 10:27

I would say one that sees and values you as a person in your own right. I don’t have that but wish I did.

Everythingsokreally · 15/01/2022 10:34

Different versions of the relationship work for different people, in the same way as any other relationship. For example… My husband really likes my Mum and Dad, enjoys spending time with them, talks to them on the phone without me, happily visits them without me if something is going on and I can’t make it, etc. On the other hand, I know that my sister’s husband finds them really hard work! Hard to explain why - different personalities and different expectations of what happens in family relationships, I guess!

EishetChayil · 15/01/2022 10:38

@RampantIvy I'm not sure I could respect someone who is racist and homophobic. They're pretty big red flags.

Olinguita · 15/01/2022 10:42

Treats DH like an adult rather than a child

OddshoesOddsocks · 15/01/2022 10:43

Mine lives 100 miles away and never visits ✅

She treats all GC the same whether biological or step. My dd was accepted without hesitation and was spoilt from our first Xmas together just like her step and half siblings and cousins. ✅

She’s hilarious albeit unintentionally ✅

She lets us live our own life but is always there when we need her ✅

We are off to visit her now for a belated Christmas postponed by Covid and dc can’t wait!

Classicblunder · 15/01/2022 10:46

Everyone is different. I don't have a good relationship with my mother so what I would have liked in a MIL is a bit different to some. I would love one who offered to have the kids for the occasional (like twice a year would be amazing) weekend. But many on here would prefer their own mum to do that

mnahmnah · 15/01/2022 10:49

Doesn’t interfere or demand. Approachable, supportive, prepared to help out when really necessary.

edenhills · 15/01/2022 11:29

Blue with thousands of eyes.

AuntieMarys · 15/01/2022 11:31

Does not live nearby, isn't needy or living her life through grandchildren, plenty of friends and independent

Thetwomutts · 15/01/2022 11:36

I love my MIL. She sticks up for me to my FIL, always makes me feel welcome, chats to my mum like good friends despite them living over the sea from each other- it's great when my mum comes here, she has a friend to talk away to.

My MIL isn't done raising her own children yet, she has a 9 year old so I feel like she gets life with a toddler - it's all so recent still to her and she hasn't had years to forget it.

She is my biggest breastfeeding advocate.

Knows the things I like and treats me to knitting wool and bits and bobs on occasion.

I count her as a very close friend and I love her for bringing up the man that is my husband. I know that even though my own mum lives a long way away, I have someone who has my back just as much to turn to if I need it.

My only gripe is I wish she would come around more! Nothing better than a cup of coffee with MIL while our children play together

hivemindneeded · 15/01/2022 11:45

I loved my mother in law. She was fierce but she was wonderful. She was completely unlike my own mum or anyone I knew. I grew up in a chaotic home and she was obsessively houseproud. But she taught me how to clear up as I go along when I cook and she showed me love in unexpected and very memorable ways. She also taught me how to be a bit less sensitive and more robust and to show my sense of humour more. I miss her so much.

Winniemarysarah · 15/01/2022 11:48

I can’t understand how so many mil find it so hard to get on with their adult childrens new families. The amount of mil threads on here are unbelievable, as are the posters saying they dread becoming a mil because they’re so hated. But honestly, it’s really not hard to not be a complete knobhead is it? You just follow the general rules of life of being a decent person. Don’t stick your oar in in ANY situation. If your opinion wasn’t asked for then don’t give it. If you’re unsure of the parents wishes then ask (when would you like me to visit when the baby has been born? Would you like me to keep a travel cot/supplies at my house for if you visit? Would you like me to buy x for the baby or is it not needed? I’m happy to give you a break from the baby so let me know if you’d ever like me to babysit for a few hours/overnight etc). It’s not hard to use common sense.

Hemingwayzcatz · 15/01/2022 11:51

Not turning up unannounced and letting yourself in is a starting point. Not dishing out your opinions when nobody asked and not thinking you’re always right. Just being supportive but in a distant way so you’re not smothering your D/SIL.

Laiste · 15/01/2022 11:54

I have a better relationship with my MIL than my DM. Having said that, although i'm friendly and smiley and chatty i like to keep my own council. A visit once every 2 months or so is enough.

MIL is fine with this - friendly a d chatty too. I know she respects me as a capable mother and a woman who doesn't need anyone interfering. She doesn't pry or try and change anything.

She has a lot of praise for DH and how we're raising the kids. Because of this i drop my gaurd and she knows lots about our lives.

Perfect MIL for me.

SnowDropMania · 15/01/2022 11:59

I would want them to be pleasant and not too interfering. That's all

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/01/2022 11:59

Ideal is supportive but unjudgemental, neutral/ evenhanded yet affectionate to the grandchildren, emotionally and practically available but on both those fronts undemanding, humourous but not at anyone's expense... But mil are just people and no human is actually that perfect unless they're really, really self aware and living in ideal circumstances themselves...

Theroughoperator · 15/01/2022 12:00

My late MIL was lovely
she was rather homophobic and racist

We have differing views regarding the definition of lovely. Lovely people are not racist or homophobic!

Offtobednow · 15/01/2022 12:12

My lovely MIL always says she’s gained another daughter not lost a son. She’s supportive and fun to chat to. I see her as an extra mum and she’s someone I would be friends with if I hadn’t married her son.

SusanSHelit · 15/01/2022 12:55

Not thinking that no one could ever possibly be good enough for her children. I am apparently not good enough for dp despite the fact we have been together 15 years, but then neither have any of the perfectly pleasant men sil has brought home either. Mil has ended more than one sil's relationships bbecause sil's bf/partner has been so wholly unwelcomed and outright ridiculed by mil.

It's quite sad really.

I have a ds and although he is still very young, I hope that I don't behave like my mil when he gets himself a partner. As long as he is happy whoever he goes out with is good enough as far as I am concerned, with obvious exceptions like violent criminals etc.

Other than that I think, offer help if you can provide it. Don't say you can help then don't.

When dc are tiny babies, the advice around newborns will probably have changed, and the parents will probably be following whatever that advice is. Trust their judgement with their dc and don't interfere. You have had your turn it's theirs now.

When buying dc presents, please, please, please consider the size of the house they live in, the available space and the practically of what you are buying.

Yes it would be lovely if dc could have a full size fuseball table, a giant Tracey Island, a play Fort, tent and five foot Teddy bear. But they live in a two bed terraced house with both parents, where exactly are they supposed to put those lovely gifts?

Don't take it upon yourself to do ANY 'first', of any description. Especially with a first born. Especially especially when that first born is very likely to be an only. It is absolutely not your place to take that from the parents. Ask by all means, but expect a no.

Generally just try not to be an interfering know it all tit. Mum (and dad) really do know best. Remember you are neither.

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 15/01/2022 13:01

I’d really like it if mine was remotely interested in me as a human being for a start. For the first 10 years of my relationship with dh she showed not the tiniest bit of interest in me and then suddenly wanted to be a huge part of our lives once grandchildren came along. She seems to see me as a vessel for grandchildren/ inconvenient barrier to those grandchildren and thinks she entitled to an opinion on literally every aspect of how we are raising them. She is very hard work. My own mum by contrast, while not perfect respects the fact that while we may do some things very differently to her, that’s ok and it’s our decision as parents whereas mil tells us how everything we do is wrong and her (outdated) advice is right. Very tiresome.

ashorterday · 15/01/2022 13:03

Friendly, supportive, but not overly demanding!

Mine is ok to be fair, if anything she's a little bit distant. I don't think she would ever want to meet up for coffee on our own or anything, even though I've known her over 30 years.

motherrunner · 15/01/2022 13:04

I move my MIL. She’s the mum I never had.

Although she’s over 30 years older than me, we go out for lunch/coffees/boozy dinners! She never involves herself in any disagreements DH and I may have. She never undermines my parenting but likewise if she is in sole charge of DCs, I wouldn’t dream of telling her how to parent (she raised 3 wonderful children!).

Tbh, I feel very lucky to have the in-laws I do. I love them.

motherrunner · 15/01/2022 13:06

*love