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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the ideal mother in law looks like?

64 replies

motherormonsterinlaw · 15/01/2022 10:11

I've seen all sorts on here about mother in laws, whether to add them on Facebook when relationship is new, how they call to see where their precious son is if the relationship has broken down, how they expect to come visit for a week at a moments notice, favour certain GC, show distain if a GC is a certain sex, turn up unexpectedly on your holiday etc etc etc

I realise this is the extreme of MiL relationships but what does the ideal mother in law look like for you?

OP posts:

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 15/01/2022 13:21

Friendly, supportive, recognises DH isn't perfect, wonderful with my DC but very respectful of the choices we make (with things like sweets etc). Lives in the country and has lots of animals which is great for DS. Has great taste and buys me presents I would genuinely buy for myself and is very generous with her time but doesn't just show up unannounced. We see her every week and that would be too much for some, but it's no hassle, I now make sure I always have ingredients in for some quick veggie meals so we can extend spontaneous dinner invitations.
She also has an enviable shoe collection and the same size feet as me, but no matter how many times she offers I can't walk in the heels she can!

She and DH has a tumultuous relationship when he was younger and she wasn't the same personality she is now, but she's now more relaxed and DH more understanding of dinner if the trauma she's experienced and tried to shield him from. She's just a good person and you can't ask for more than that.

RampantIvy · 15/01/2022 13:23

@Theroughoperator

My late MIL was lovely she was rather homophobic and racist

We have differing views regarding the definition of lovely. Lovely people are not racist or homophobic!

I didn't respect her views on homophobia or racism, but the options would have been to be at loggerheads with her for 40 years, or just not discuss this subjects. I chose option B.

To give a bit of background. She was born in 1929 and grew up in the middle of nowhere in Northumberland, with no electricity or running water. She didn't encounter anyone of a different race to her until there were some Italian POWs at the end of the war, so she would have been about 16. She would have been older than that before she met a black person. I think her racist comments were naive, and based on the original meaning of ignorance - i e lacking knowkedge.

The homophobia was because she was very religious (but not evangelical about it).

rushingallday · 15/01/2022 13:25

I think the true colours of a MIL come out when you've split with her son.

Then you'll know a good MIL. 😬

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 15/01/2022 13:29

What’s the ideal mother like?
What’s the ideal DIL like?
What’s the ideal wife like?

If you really want to get into telling women how to behave and be “ideal”?

TheSunIsStillShining · 15/01/2022 13:45

I have my ideal MIL. Been married for 25+ years. Have seen her 2x when we took our newborn for her to see and when our son was about 1. She wasn't interested in her own son who moved out at 14 or her grandson. I can live with that. So can my husband as he has my parents treat him as their own son (which can be weird sometimes, but at lest they love him).

pinkiepiee · 15/01/2022 13:57

My MIL is dead but DH says my DM is the ideal MIL. She is caring towards him, remembers his birthday and buys thoughtful gifts. She will ring a lot if he is poorly, just checking in. She's warm towards him and kind and supportive of his interests and career. But she is not overbearing. Would never drop round without an invite, would not be over familiar, would never make a joke at his expense. Essentially very gentle, respectful and caring.

He does not say the same about my DF though

JanuaryBluehoo · 15/01/2022 14:01

Why op?. What's your Mil like, or are you a Mil?..

HeadToToesNo · 15/01/2022 14:04

To me, the ideal mother in law looks very very small because she is very very far away.

JanuaryBluehoo · 15/01/2022 14:06

Winnie I agree but unfortunately there are also personalality disorders at play as well.
People who are nasty or can't see their dc as separate people or people who can't see beyond shallows things like looks/dress /clothes etc.

BitterTits · 15/01/2022 14:07

Mine is nice, I have only good things to say about my relationship with her. I wish she would grab life by the horns a little bit, having lost my own DM far too young, but that's not a complaint. She helps with childcare without intruding. She knows we both work hard and doesn't judge our priorities in not being able to maintain a pristine home. She has cleaned out oven a couple of times which some would consider to be overstepping the mark but absolutely does not offend me at all. I'm very happy that she's my MIL.

Peasweet · 15/01/2022 14:07

Every one of these posts from people whose mother in law is from marrying a son.. I am a mother in law to two sons in law who think I'm great!

nokidshere · 15/01/2022 15:08

I can’t understand how so many mil find it so hard to get on with their adult childrens new families. The amount of mil threads on here are unbelievable, as are the posters saying they dread becoming a mil because they’re so hated. But honestly, it’s really not hard to not be a complete knobhead is it? You just follow the general rules of life of being a decent person. Don’t stick your oar in in ANY situation. If your opinion wasn’t asked for then don’t give it. If you’re unsure of the parents wishes then ask (when would you like me to visit when the baby has been born? Would you like me to keep a travel cot/supplies at my house for if you visit? Would you like me to buy x for the baby or is it not needed? I’m happy to give you a break from the baby so let me know if you’d ever like me to babysit for a few hours/overnight etc). It’s not hard to use common sense.

I can't understand how so many DIL find the relationship so hard to get on with their in laws. It's not hard to be a complete knobhead is it? Just follow the rules of being a generally nice person. Maybe don't brush off every bit of their experiences as interfering, maybe accept gifts sometimes wether it's needed or not, maybe ask for some help instead of expecting them to be mind readers, maybe once in a while listen to their opinions - nod and smile you don't have to agree. And accept that getting older brings its own anxieties and be there for them in the way you expect them to be there for you.

I'm not a MIL. I loved my MIL, we didn't always agree and we annoyed each other at times but she loved her son, me and our children. We got on well for 40yrs because neither of us was a knobhead.

Billandben444 · 15/01/2022 15:21

@nokidshere
Well said.
And please don't refer to the mother of your boyfriend (who you've seeing for 2 months and just moved in with you and your 2 kids) as your MIL cos she isn't. She's sitting back waiting to see how long it lasts before she gets emotionally involved and treats you all like family (like she did last time and the time before). She's your boyfriend's mum, that's all.

Crepusculum · 15/01/2022 15:25

I guess what a friend looks like to me - emotionally mature, caring, understands and respects boundaries (her own and other people's), interested in life and other people and so on...good fun would be nice too but not essential.

2bazookas · 15/01/2022 16:02

@Theroughoperator

My late MIL was lovely she was rather homophobic and racist

We have differing views regarding the definition of lovely. Lovely people are not racist or homophobic!

Well within living memory, it was very common for white Brits to never have encountered anyone from a different country, let alone a different race. When homosexuals still faced imprisonment, sacking, disgrace for their "criminal act", unsurprisingly they kept their private lives very private indeed, and it would be quite possible for hetero people to go all their lives thinking they'd never met one.

   In that context , its perfectly possible for older  lovely people to have expressed uninformed  notions about something  they'd never encountered.  In terms they barely understand or slang they  have no idea is  derogatory.

CurbsideProphet · 15/01/2022 16:08

My sibling has a lovely MIL - chatty, kind, generous, helpful, doesn't push her opinion on anyone. I invited her to my wedding, she's part of my family. I wish she was my MIL!

MintyGreenDream · 15/01/2022 16:09

My ex mil.She was perfect but her son was definitely not !

LovelyMoans · 15/01/2022 16:13

Close enough to provide a little support but tbh, best kept arms length....

TaraRhu · 15/01/2022 16:26

Like my mil! She stands back. She doesn't criticise or say how you should be doing something. She helps when she comes to stay. She's kind, funny and intelligent. She's not jealous of her sons' wives and is a doting gran.

She's the sort of person you'd choose as a friend. She has a full life and doesn't expect her family to fill it up for her. Dh doesn't try to keep up with the Jones's and compete with her friends over how well her children are doing or how big the wedding you had was or how accomplished her grand kids are. She could be like that, one of her sons is a millionaire (not my oh unfortunately).

She's just a decent , laid back lady who is a pleasure to be around. I can only hope to be anything like her when I'm her age.

ThreeLittleDots · 15/01/2022 16:32

Don't undermine me - a midwife - by telling me all sorts of outdated dangerous nonsense about breastfeeding my own child "it's not like the textbooks you know". And don't make me feel bad for leaving the Xmas table to BF upstairs in your son's old, freezing cold bedroom full of boxes.

1FootInTheRave · 15/01/2022 16:34

Like mine.

She is ace! Good fun, gives advice when asked, will help if needed, good company, not needy.

Actually, more like a good pal tbh.

ivfbabymomma1 · 15/01/2022 16:36

I love my mother in law. She shows a lot of interest in my son. But she doesn't given any unsolicited advice unless I ask her. She doesn't point out any faults in how we parent (and we definitely aren't perfect)
I love having her around, she lives 4 hours away so when they visit they stay for 2/3 nights and its always a joy to have then around! I'd welcome criticism if she gave it but she just doesn't which is nice as I never feel on edge or anything. Im not saying the perfect MIL is someone who doesn't comment on things it's hard to explain what I mean 🥴

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 15/01/2022 16:43

@HeadToToesNo

To me, the ideal mother in law looks very very small because she is very very far away.

I never had one. DH mum who he was NC with died decades ago.

My mum was a right PITA, so DH would probably say the say as you.

Fl0w3ry · 15/01/2022 17:02

I would have liked mine to have treated me like part of the family instead of a non blood outsider. Also no snidey nasty remarks would have been great. I would have also appreciated no attempts to control or overriding decisions we made about our lives.
I think if I could have picked a MIL I would want her to be somewhere between being like a mother to me but also a friend.

Toothsil · 15/01/2022 17:10

My late MIL was absolutely lovely. She welcomed me into the family like daughter, in fact on our wedding day, she and FIL said I was the daughter they'd always wanted but never had (they didn't mean instead of the boys, they wanted a daughter after them but it wasn't meant to be). When DH had to go away for work for a week, MIL phoned me in the evenings to check I was OK. Unfortunately she passed away before meeting DD. She was so desperate to be a grandma.

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