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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the ideal mother in law looks like?

64 replies

motherormonsterinlaw · 15/01/2022 10:11

I've seen all sorts on here about mother in laws, whether to add them on Facebook when relationship is new, how they call to see where their precious son is if the relationship has broken down, how they expect to come visit for a week at a moments notice, favour certain GC, show distain if a GC is a certain sex, turn up unexpectedly on your holiday etc etc etc

I realise this is the extreme of MiL relationships but what does the ideal mother in law look like for you?

OP posts:

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 18:02

My mil treats me like her daughter. If she treated me like her son, that would be better!!

She’s old fashioned sexist and expects me to do the wife work.

Today she called me because I’d forgotten my nephew’s birthday. I’d bought him a present before Christmas, and given it when we visited in December…. Again I was the one who was expected to but the present.

She also talks to me about mundane stuff such as gossiping, celebs and her friends - who I don’t know, because I’m female and must be in to that stuff. She’s never talk to DH like that, or ask him important dc questions such as what clothes size they are or what they want for Christmas.

I’m the default parent basically. But I’ve probably brought it on myself as I’m polite and just go along with it, then moan to DH… who revels in it as he’d hate It!!!

Francescaisstressed · 15/01/2022 18:12

I have two as my partners parents are separated - both are absolute angels. They regularly check in but don't impose, they are kind and thoughtful and have always been very welcoming. They also raised an absolutely wonderful man so I have to give them thanks just for that.

RandomUsernameHere · 15/01/2022 18:17

@AuntieMarys

Does not live nearby, isn't needy or living her life through grandchildren, plenty of friends and independent

This is spot on

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 18:31

AuntieMarys
Does not live nearby, isn't needy or living her life through grandchildren, plenty of friends and independent

This is my mum. It’s ideal. We have a great relationship and I haven’t even spoken to her this year!!!

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 18:33

@AuntieMarys

Does not live nearby, isn't needy or living her life through grandchildren, plenty of friends and independent

Who’s Aunty Mary?

Mischance · 15/01/2022 18:35

The ideal mother in law looks like me!!

Mary46 · 15/01/2022 19:31

My mil is lovely. No nasty digs or opinions. Just a nice person. Kids know how lucky they are.
My mother hard work nasty jibes if we dont do things her way. We dont bring her away for this reason

Doingtheboxerbeat · 15/01/2022 22:51

I would absolutely love my DM to be my Dmil -
She's non judgemental and not biased

Takes my Dsil side over my DB when he is being an arse

She insists on fairness when it comes to gifts for my DN's, even though the 3 year old doesn't give a shit how much is spent compared to the 11 year old.

She wouldn't dream of disrespecting any batshit rules my DB and Dsil set

And she has NEVER turned down babysitting no matter how tired /ill she feels.

longdistanceclaraaa · 15/01/2022 23:18

Someone upthread used the example of their Mil calling them every day when their husband was away as demonstrating how lovely their Mil is.

It's funny how different we all are. My Mil called me not long after I was married on a night my husband was away and I thought it was so strange. Why would I, a grown woman, need checked up on as my husband was away? I was loving the peace and quiet. Why would I not be ok? A few years in now and these mismatched expectations are the reason I keep her firmly at arm's length. She'd smother me if she could. And I was open to a warm relationship with her but she expected too much.

BorderlineHappy · 16/01/2022 13:50

I think just been respectful.Treating people the way I want to be treated.
Not overstepping boundaries.
But also realising I make mistakes, saying and doing the wrong thing occasionally.

And saying sorry when I'm wrong.

EssexLioness · 18/02/2022 22:32

My late ex MIL was absolutely lovely. I loved her deeply and she was my perfect MIL. She was very kind and supportive and ‘motherly’ in a traditional sense. The love went both ways and we both found it very hard when I split from my ex, but she still kept some sort of relationship going afterwards.
She was non judgemental and never interfered with things or gave unwanted opinions. She was a bit of a feeder and would love to fuss over you with a lovely meal or homemade dessert.
Not long before I split from my ex, I had a devastating life event which really shook me and it was the most natural thing when I phoned her to tell her and she invited me to stay for w while. My ex was working so I went on my own and stayed the week. She did lots of listening as I cried, showered me with hugs and fed me bucketloads of ice cream and cookies.
I adored her and was so sad to hear when she died, even though I hadn’t seen her for a number of years before that.
My new MIL is really nice too and we have quite a bit in common. Would regard her as a friend in some ways and we happily meet up and go out together for a coffee/ lunch and a chat. However, as much as I like her, I don’t love her. She isn’t a motherly figure in the way my ex MiL was. But I think that’s ok, as I don’t really need that now, but back then I was much younger and did need that extra support. I know my MiL genuinely cared and she never interferes, is supportive and approachable etc. So I’m pretty lucky.
Both completely different women but both pretty great MILs. I feel very grateful when I read some of the posts on here

hban · 18/02/2022 22:57

Shows a basic level of respect, doesn’t talk bad about you behind your back or to your DH, no snide comments, helps out but doesn’t interfere, respects you as a parent, sees her son as he really is, isn’t jealous of you

Pallisers · 18/02/2022 23:06

Someone like my mother in law. She was interested in me as a person, respected boundaries, is just lovely and funny and interesting to talk to. I love her dearly.

We built up our relationship over years and years but she was always someone I liked. When I had my first child she came over to help me (horrific birth - she saved my life and we became very close those weeks). She told me over and over what a great mother I was, never "hogged" the baby but would take him for the bad bits like in the middle of the night she'd hear me get up to feed him and then after a while she'd come out of her room and say "would you like me to get him back to sleep so you can go to bed" god I loved her for that. We disagreed on some things - I didn't want her to have to weigh in when I corrected my kids. I told her that and she stepped back. My sil liked her weighing in so she did it in their house.

As she gets older her daughters in law are as much if not more concerned about her than her sons and she is loved. Yeah she annoys me sometimes but everyone annoys me sometimes. I see her as a woman first and a mother in law second. and I think she sees me the same way.

Her own mother in law was fab and she told me she modeled being a MIL on her. I hope I will be the same.

I really love and admire my MIL

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/02/2022 23:08

Not MIL, but partners mum is a lovely woman, we get on well. Been together 16 months, love having a chat with her when i go to visit.

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