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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect family time every weekend

70 replies

BlueLace · 14/01/2022 20:10

Info for context:-

We have two DC - DD age 2 and DS age 6 months

Hubby works full time as an electrician providing the vast majority of household income.

I'm on maternity leave but usually work 20 hours a week in admin. The rest of the time I spend looking after the kids, I also do the vast majority of cleaning, cooking, washing & household admin. Hubby does all the gardening & odd jobs. (Old fashioned I know, but it works for us!)

Whenever we need work doing on the house (which is fairly often as we bought a project), hubby wants to do it himself. He is pretty handy and does things to a high standard, he enjoys it and was brought up to do this where possible to save money. I'm the opposite and come from a family where my dad hated DIY and, after working long hours, would always get someone in to do jobs where possible.

Only problem is, the only time he gets to do jobs on the house is at weekends. I feel quite strongly that weekends should be for family time. Plus I work hard through the week looking after 2 young children on my own and an extra pair of hands at the weekend to take off some of the pressure is much appreciated. So I feel the jobs should either wait or we should get someone in to do them.

When I bring this up hubby words it as 'you always get miserable when I do jobs at the weekend and you have to look after the kids'. Which really sets off my mum guilt, it isn't that I don't want to be looking after the kids, I love spending time with them but weekdays are intense and I'm permanently exhausted. He says I should just put up with it for the sake of him getting these jobs done and that I'm being ridiculous as it isn't every weekend.

Who is being unreasonable here!?

OP posts:

LawnFever · 14/01/2022 20:14

When else is he supposed to do jobs if he’s working all week?

As long as it’s not all weekend every weekend if there’s household jobs that need doing I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/01/2022 20:14

Reframe it back at him “ I’m sad that you don’t want to spend time bonding as a family , creating memories for our kids. I’m also sad that my feelings are being ignored and no compromises are being considered “.

Findahouse21 · 14/01/2022 20:15

I'd expect a mix tbh, some weekends spent how you want and some him. Not saying 50-50 exactly but generally a compromise.

user1493494961 · 14/01/2022 20:20

No point getting someone in if your DH does work to a high standard, you might pay a fortune for inferior work. You need to come to a compromise.

BendingSpoons · 14/01/2022 20:21

How much of the weekend is he spending on DIY? I tend to think of 4 'sections' I.e. Sat AM, Sat PM, Sun AM, Sun PM. I'd aim for family time for 2 of these.

I think YABU to expect him to put it off (to when?) or pay someone (it's a hassle arranging and expensive when you can do it yourself). YANBU to need some time alone or sharing the load.

AffIt · 14/01/2022 20:26

You bought a fixer-upper (presumably deliberately), your husband is skilled and committed enough to complete the work to a high standard (potentially saving you thousands, as well as the grief of shoddy workmanship) and, while I know tradespeople generally earn well, they don't tend to fall in to the upper 7% and you're on mat leave.

Also, with such young children, you're not exactly 'making memories', are you?

Presumably the house will be sorted in a year or so, by which time your kids will be older, you'll be back at work and there'll be a bit more disposable household income.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2022 20:30

I would respond 'yes, I am miserable, it's tough looking after kids 24-7, I love them but need a break from it'

WorriedGiraffe · 14/01/2022 20:33

Nither if you are BU, Obviously he needs to do these jobs at weekend, but not for all of both days. So maybe try and agree that Saturdays are odd job days, sundays are family days?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2022 20:48

When I bring this up hubby words it as 'you always get miserable when I do jobs at the weekend and you have to look after the kids'.

I'd reply, "well you don't look after them at all so how would you know?"

Except that's childish and immature. You have to reach a compromise. Sunday is always family day? Or morning but not afternoon? Something that meets everyone's needs.

Thinkbiglittleone · 14/01/2022 20:55

I think a compromise needs to be made, keep a Sunday free for the family or spend time together.

If you buy a doer upper, someone needs to spend the time doing it up, compromise.

Sirzy · 14/01/2022 21:01

Surely the plans for doing the work where discussed before buying a fixer upper?

Sounds like compromise is needed. No reason he can’t do jobs, you can’t get some “you time” and you can’t have family time. If not every week certainly over the course of a month.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2022 21:02

It's hard for outsiders to know. Is he...
A) doing it because he enjoys it and to get out of child care because he's selfish and doesn't give a shit how hard it is for you
Or
B) working his arse off all week, then all weekend so that you all have somewhere nice to live

Chloemol · 14/01/2022 21:02

You are being unreasonable

When exactly is he supposed to do the work if every weekend is family time?

If it’s something he enjoys doing then it’s probably helping him relax at the weekends, ams he is saving money

After all who would supervise builders if you got them in?

You chose to but a house needing work

Why not compromise, perhaps two weekends family time, two work on the house

museumum · 14/01/2022 21:05

For me it would be all about his relationship with the children. Does he spend enough time with them to be confident looking after them? Are they comfortable with him and bonded to him?
I would worry if he doesn’t do any weekend childcare that they wouldn’t be, but I guess if he does enough through the week (dinners, baths etc) it might be ok.

gemloving · 14/01/2022 21:09

I have children with a similar age gap and do expect support at the weekend. Everything is split 50/50 as we earn the same once I'm back at work.

Could you ask your family or hubby's family to help out to give you a break?

It's nice to have a few hours of child free time and then you get none or not even any support if he's doing the jobs.

Nocutenamesleft · 14/01/2022 21:11

You brought w fixer upper with young children

Harsh. But true. When is he meant to do the works if not on the weekend?

If you wanted family time. Surely the house should of waited?

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/01/2022 21:13

Well neither of you is being unreasonable. You are knackered from kids and want help, he is trying to save money (which presumably was the plan when you bought the place.)

You need to compromise, but also get specific - he doesn’t understand why or what you want right now.

So what do you want a the weekend? Eg - A lie in on Sunday while he looks after the kids, a Saturday afternoon where you all do something? And for him too cook on sat night?? And what can you tolerate for DIY, a full day once a month, 3 hours on two weekends and one weekend completely free?? Think about it and then talk it through.

Diversion · 14/01/2022 21:26

I do get you as we were in a similar situation but with four children and our house was a bit more than a doer upper! He worked all of the hours at work during the week and then spent evenings and weekends working on the house. BUT if he didn't work on the house and make it into a lovely home I do think that you still would not be happy. Perhaps you need to have a discussion about having one or two weekends a month for family time, outings etc even if those are just for one of the weekend days. We simply could not have afforded to pay people to do all of the work to make the house into a lovely home if he had not worked on it.

sanbeiji · 14/01/2022 21:32

Whose idea was it to buy a doer-upper? How urgent are these jobs?
How long is it going to take to complete?

YABU if you both agreed to buy a doer upper and the jobs eventually need to be done. External tradespeople are not only going to charge a fortune they might fleece you. If you can get one in the current climate that is, there's a such shortage.

YANBU if jobs don't need to be done and are cosmetic upgrades.

Kite22 · 14/01/2022 21:52

YABU.
Presumably, when you BOTH decided to buy a house that is 'a project', you did it knowing that it would therefore need work ?
You would have factored into that thinking that your dh would be doing that work. Generally, if you have the skills, then it is important to you that your home is done to a high quality. Paying someone labour to do something you can do yourself, and possibly enjoy doing - or at least have satisfaction from knowing you had done a good job - doesn't make sense.

The issue of you not having a break is a separate one. YANBU to want a break. However much you love what you are doing, no-one wants to do the same thing 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no weekend to look forwards to or no holidays or no 'clocking off'. What you need to do is decide how you get a break. Ringfencing some time for you do have a break is important, BUT it doesn't mean you need "family time" every weekend.

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 22:14

Most people would be really grateful that they could get their home done to a high standard on a budget.

I also have a personal loathing of 'family time'. Why everything needs a label is beyond me.

Just once a month or so arrange an outing or a visit somewhere.
At weekends your DH should be involved with the children some of the day, so not working the whole time.

But unless you're going to do some of the DIY it's quite reasonable that you do domestic stuff.

Anyway, where is the money going to come from if you get other trades in to do the house?

saleorbouy · 14/01/2022 22:19

Surely by him doing the work on your home rather than using an expensive contractor he's actually able to spend less time at work earning money to pay them.
Why not outline some time every other weekend for a few hours where you can get some time together as a family.
I'm sure if he equally did nothing to renovate the house he'd be in strife.
You both need to talk and make some compromises and understand each others perspective.

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 14/01/2022 22:21

I'm in the same position.

But we bought a house where a lot needed doing to it, so what choice is there?

grapewine · 14/01/2022 22:21

I also have a personal loathing of 'family time'.

God, yes.

katieg03 · 14/01/2022 22:24

The 6 year old is surely at school 30 hours a week? So it's pick up and drop off. Have you got the spare cash to pay someone to do it all? DIY professionals aren't cheap.

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