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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect family time every weekend

70 replies

BlueLace · 14/01/2022 20:10

Info for context:-

We have two DC - DD age 2 and DS age 6 months

Hubby works full time as an electrician providing the vast majority of household income.

I'm on maternity leave but usually work 20 hours a week in admin. The rest of the time I spend looking after the kids, I also do the vast majority of cleaning, cooking, washing & household admin. Hubby does all the gardening & odd jobs. (Old fashioned I know, but it works for us!)

Whenever we need work doing on the house (which is fairly often as we bought a project), hubby wants to do it himself. He is pretty handy and does things to a high standard, he enjoys it and was brought up to do this where possible to save money. I'm the opposite and come from a family where my dad hated DIY and, after working long hours, would always get someone in to do jobs where possible.

Only problem is, the only time he gets to do jobs on the house is at weekends. I feel quite strongly that weekends should be for family time. Plus I work hard through the week looking after 2 young children on my own and an extra pair of hands at the weekend to take off some of the pressure is much appreciated. So I feel the jobs should either wait or we should get someone in to do them.

When I bring this up hubby words it as 'you always get miserable when I do jobs at the weekend and you have to look after the kids'. Which really sets off my mum guilt, it isn't that I don't want to be looking after the kids, I love spending time with them but weekdays are intense and I'm permanently exhausted. He says I should just put up with it for the sake of him getting these jobs done and that I'm being ridiculous as it isn't every weekend.

Who is being unreasonable here!?

OP posts:

3mealsaday · 15/01/2022 00:38

Why is 'family time' so difficult to understand?

It means consciously spending time with the person you share a house with, rather than just passing on the stairs or shouting "get me another loo roll, could you?" or "It's your turn to do dinner". It means agreeing where you're going to go that day and looking forward to trying out new places together. It means enjoying your DC together and sharing the load. I parent during the week by myself when I'm not working and my DH and I parent together at weekends. It is entirely different having him there. The tantrums, the stresses, the annoyances are halved. If our DS throws himself on the floor and refuses to move because he wants another ice cream, DH picks up the arms, I pick up the legs and we share a grim smile over his little screaming head as we carry him to the car.

Parenting alone nearly all of the time sounds incredibly lonely, especially when you're meant to be in a relationship.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/01/2022 01:15

For all those saying the children are too young to make memories. Rubbish. I have plenty of wonderful memories of my dd when she was a baby. Memories created with her dad. Memories created with just her and I. Memories created with other family members. And do you know what? My dd loves it when her dad and I share those memories with her. She asks us questions about when I was a baby.,, And her dad and I can answer them.

It is important to make those memories in the younger years for the children and for the family unit.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/01/2022 01:17

Well said @gemloving and @3mealsaday

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2022 01:48

@Flowers500

No offence but the children aren't going to actually remember anything so you can't really make memories?

It sounds like you bought a house with the plan to do it up. That's saving you a lot of money--why not spend some of that on babysitting to lighten your load at the weekend?

TBH 'family time' as a concept makes me feel ill. What does that actually involve?

Gosh why not just lock them in a room and pass in food? They won’t remember surely?

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/01/2022 04:26

@timeisnotaline 😂

Pugroll · 15/01/2022 04:29

If he works all week I doubt he's overly excited about essentially working weekends as well, but it will be saving you a lot of money. Perhaps consider going back for more hours when you return for work so you can pay towards paying someone else to do the job he can do and is willing to do for free?

gemloving · 15/01/2022 05:23

@Flowers500 I really hope you don't have children after a comment like that and won't ever have any. These early years shape who you are and we will remember + wouldn't you want nice things for your baby and child? Weird. I can't get over it.

stevalnamechanger · 15/01/2022 10:53

@AffIt

You bought a fixer-upper (presumably deliberately), your husband is skilled and committed enough to complete the work to a high standard (potentially saving you thousands, as well as the grief of shoddy workmanship) and, while I know tradespeople generally earn well, they don't tend to fall in to the upper 7% and you're on mat leave.

Also, with such young children, you're not exactly 'making memories', are you?

Presumably the house will be sorted in a year or so, by which time your kids will be older, you'll be back at work and there'll be a bit more disposable household income.

Totally agree

TeenTitan007 · 15/01/2022 12:20

Learn the DIY and do it on weekends. DH can look after kids. Win win!

rainbowmash · 15/01/2022 12:26

@bonetiredwithtwins

YABU

You knowingly brought a house needing work

You're on maternity leave....with a 2 year old 🤔

You have one child at school so not as "busy" as If you'd have both home all week with you

You don't pay the bills

He works on the house to save money

I feel a bit sorry for him that now you are moaning that he doesn't spend enough time with you - he could make changes and spend more time with you but works both ways maybe you should work full time and help with the bills?

🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

I'm sure you're not completely oblivious, OP, but your post makes it sound like you might be finding it difficult to see the bigger picture here.

Redlorryyellowduck · 15/01/2022 13:16

You bought a do-uper and married a tradey, I don't see how else it could trun out really!
Can you go and see extended family, go on outings with friends, maybe even go back to work a bit early. Life with young dc is relentless, but I don't see what else your DH can do really....if you wanted to pay 2k for a decorator for example wouldn't your DH need to work outside the home at the weekend to get the extra 2k?!

zingally · 15/01/2022 13:24

It sounds like you want a compromise, but you only want HIM to compromise.

If he's working all week, when is he supposed to get these jobs done? If not at the weekend?

3mealsaday · 15/01/2022 13:28

@Redlorryyellowduck

You bought a do-uper and married a tradey, I don't see how else it could trun out really! Can you go and see extended family, go on outings with friends, maybe even go back to work a bit early. Life with young dc is relentless, but I don't see what else your DH can do really....if you wanted to pay 2k for a decorator for example wouldn't your DH need to work outside the home at the weekend to get the extra 2k?!

It's fairly obvious what they could do.

As pp suggested above, they could divide the weekend into four slots - Sat AM, Sat PM, Sun AM, Sun PM.

Of those four slots, at least one per weekend should be 'family time', the OP's DH could work 1-2 slots a weekend and they could take turns giving each other a break for the fourth slot.

The house would still get done, just less quickly. And the OP would have some nice memories of spending time with her husband and young children together, instead of looking back on this as a miserable, lonely period when she was essentially parenting two little children alone.

Twilight7777 · 15/01/2022 14:07

@BendingSpoons

How much of the weekend is he spending on DIY? I tend to think of 4 'sections' I.e. Sat AM, Sat PM, Sun AM, Sun PM. I'd aim for family time for 2 of these.

I think YABU to expect him to put it off (to when?) or pay someone (it's a hassle arranging and expensive when you can do it yourself). YANBU to need some time alone or sharing the load.

I agree with bending spoons, spending like half the weekend isn’t unreasonable for your husband with such a big project which I’m guessing you both agreed to take on in the first place? I think there has to be some compromise. If it’s about you being tired, maybe one morning or afternoon in the weekend you leave the kids to their dad to look after and have some ‘me’ time

Chely · 15/01/2022 14:09

YABU

Justcantdeal · 15/01/2022 14:16

Your DH works full time and is doing up your home. You should be grateful that he is a hard worker and wants to make your home nice. Be worse if he was down the pub with his mates every weekend.

You need to accept that "family time" is not reasonable the moment.

Twilight7777 · 15/01/2022 14:16

I also have to add that my mum had no choice but to get builders to work on her garden as it was basically a mess of rubble. She has been scammed by 2 different sets of builders and the garden is still unfinished and now unsafe to use parts of it. So I think you should count yourself lucky that your husband is a skilled tradesman who can do the building, rather than relying on builders that could potentially scam you. Also since the pandemic with everyone being at home it has been impossible to get someone to do DIY jobs as so many people are having work done on their homes that I guess they would normally use for holidays and days out that the pandemic put a stop to. It’s not as simple as just getting someone to do the work.

Kite22 · 15/01/2022 16:39

The thing is, it is not unusual for this stage of life to be made up of compromises, or sacrifices. Couples make choices, and that then impacts on other parts of their life. None of your choices are right or wrong, but you(as a couple) have decided

to buy a house that you have described as "a project"
for you to have a long maternity leave
when you are at work, for you to only work 20 hours a week
to have 2 dc relatively close together when you haven't had chance to get the house as you want it first

Now, all of those are really good choice for you and your dh, but part of that series of decisions means that he will be working on the house when he isn't working at home.
Lots of us will be able to tell you what we all did.... it will includ people who work FT, people who work FT whilst their partner studies, people who work two jobs, people who work full time and study, and people who have 'tag teamed' with one parent working all the hours their partner isn't as they can't afford childcare. At the other end, you will find people who chose NOT to buy that bigger house / the house that needs work / or even a house at all, as they didn't want to commit that time. We all value different things.

I reiterate, what I would do if I were you is ring fence a regular time where you go out without the dc..... could be a sport or a choir or a book group or solo exercise or volunteering somewhere or an evening class or a hobby group or whatever. It is important to have a bit of time on a regular basis where you are doing something different from the daily grind, however much you enjoy being at home with them.

Original poster

BlueLace · 15/01/2022 19:20

Thanks everyone for your responses, I really appreciate the honesty.

I guess the general consensus is to try and come to a compromise with some family time and some time on the house, which I think is good advice!

OP posts:

ImustLearn2Cook · 16/01/2022 01:02

@BlueLace Good luck, hope you and your Dh can reach a fair compromise. The early years are hard, exhausting and unrelenting, so try to give yourself a break. It does get easier when they get older

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