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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect family time every weekend

70 replies

BlueLace · 14/01/2022 20:10

Info for context:-

We have two DC - DD age 2 and DS age 6 months

Hubby works full time as an electrician providing the vast majority of household income.

I'm on maternity leave but usually work 20 hours a week in admin. The rest of the time I spend looking after the kids, I also do the vast majority of cleaning, cooking, washing & household admin. Hubby does all the gardening & odd jobs. (Old fashioned I know, but it works for us!)

Whenever we need work doing on the house (which is fairly often as we bought a project), hubby wants to do it himself. He is pretty handy and does things to a high standard, he enjoys it and was brought up to do this where possible to save money. I'm the opposite and come from a family where my dad hated DIY and, after working long hours, would always get someone in to do jobs where possible.

Only problem is, the only time he gets to do jobs on the house is at weekends. I feel quite strongly that weekends should be for family time. Plus I work hard through the week looking after 2 young children on my own and an extra pair of hands at the weekend to take off some of the pressure is much appreciated. So I feel the jobs should either wait or we should get someone in to do them.

When I bring this up hubby words it as 'you always get miserable when I do jobs at the weekend and you have to look after the kids'. Which really sets off my mum guilt, it isn't that I don't want to be looking after the kids, I love spending time with them but weekdays are intense and I'm permanently exhausted. He says I should just put up with it for the sake of him getting these jobs done and that I'm being ridiculous as it isn't every weekend.

Who is being unreasonable here!?

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 14/01/2022 22:24

You brought a house together as a project, when else is he supposed to do the project work?

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2022 22:27

I’d expect a mix. Is it that you feel you need a break? Can you do no admin for him next week, would that give you a bit more breathing space, some evening time back? Then you can explain to him that you need a break sometimes, he’s never had the children all week to understand this, and if he can’t be part of that on the weekends he might need to hire someone to do the admin. (I’m assuming it’s admin for him- so often men don’t seem to factor that in as working when the wife/partner actually finds considerable extra time from parenting and housework to facilitate their business)

icklekid · 14/01/2022 22:28

So I have similar issues but for me it’s not about dh doing the jobs it’s about communication. He doesn’t talk about what he plans to do just disappears for hours. So when the kids ask where is dh I don’t know. If he was to say on Friday I’m thinking of doing x y z we could make a plan so I could arrange to see a friend or take the kids out for a few hours and suggest how it could work over the weekend so we still all get to relax. It might mean it takes longer for jobs to get done but it’s about compromise and enjoying living not just working constant to get it done…

Toomanypeople · 14/01/2022 22:29

He's doing things to presumably improve your home, hes saving the family money while working hard all week as well. I would be glad he's happy to do the jobs and is able to do them well. You have years to make memories

Houseplantmad · 14/01/2022 22:30

YABU. Can you learn to do DIY and you can do some too so that it doesn't all fall to him? Or just buy the materials etc to save him time and free him up more.

It would be ridiculous to get someone else in so you need to compromise. Your kids are small so plenty of time for plenty of memories.

givethatbabyaname · 14/01/2022 22:33

Nobody is unreasonable. This is the life you chose. Two small children, a house that needs work.

Either he does the house or he deals with the children. Just choose one, together.

esloquehay · 14/01/2022 22:34

If I have to read the word "hubby" one more time, I may vomit...

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/01/2022 22:36

BendingSpoons
How much of the weekend is he spending on DIY? I tend to think of 4 'sections' I.e. Sat AM, Sat PM, Sun AM, Sun PM. I'd aim for family time for 2 of these.

I think YABU to expect him to put it off (to when?) or pay someone (it's a hassle arranging and expensive when you can do it yourself). YANBU to need some time alone or sharing the load.

@BlueLace I like what @BendingSpoons has written. I think that you and Dh need to find a win win situation where everyone gets their needs met and at least some of what they want.

If you can afford it, are you ok with paying for a babysitter/nanny for an occasional evening for you and Dh to have a night out together?

minipie · 14/01/2022 22:42

Neither of you is BU

I totally absolutely get not wanting to look after the DC by yourself when you have all week. It is a lot easier and more fun looking after kids with 2 parents rather than one. Plus you want to spend time with him!

On the other hand, you bought a fixer upper, stuff needs doing.

I agree maybe you should agree a certain section or sections of the weekend is for DIY and the rest is not. I also suggest you get a bit of time at the weekend to do something you enjoy, without DC (maybe something that is also “useful” eg exercise or batch cooking, as his DIY is useful but also something he enjoys)

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/01/2022 22:43

What exactly do you mean by "family time"? What do you want to be doing that specifically needs both parents in attendance?

Your kids are too young to be making memories so get the house done before you're in a position to be embarrassed when their friends come round

bonetiredwithtwins · 14/01/2022 22:47

YABU

You knowingly brought a house needing work

You're on maternity leave....with a 2 year old 🤔

You have one child at school so not as "busy" as If you'd have both home all week with you

You don't pay the bills

He works on the house to save money

I feel a bit sorry for him that now you are moaning that he doesn't spend enough time with you - he could make changes and spend more time with you but works both ways maybe you should work full time and help with the bills?

🤷🏻‍♀️

Crankley · 14/01/2022 22:49

@esloquehay

If I have to read the word "hubby" one more time, I may vomit...

Not as much as if I read 'making memories' one more time.

not envy.

WorriedGiraffe · 14/01/2022 22:49

@bonetiredwithtwins

We have two DC - DD age 2 and DS age 6 months

What’s wierd about her being on maternity with a 6 month old? Maybe read it properly before being so judgy.

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2022 22:52

Who is being unreasonable here!?

Neither of you. Or both of you.

He can’t do this in the week, when you’re on duty doing childcare because he’s out earning.

If he doesn’t do it at weekends - forcing you to do more sole childcare - then it won’t get done. (Unless you are skilled at DIY?) You should recognise this is a fair division of labour, given that you chose this house knowing these things needed doing.

Spending all week AND weekends doing sole childcare is soul-destroying. He should recognise this and want to alleviate that responsibility on you.

Neither of you are unreasonable, or both of you are.

Find a middle ground. None of it is forever - both babies being young or renovation jobs needing doing. The key is to establish between you the absolute priorities. Some things can wait. Some things cannot.

bonetiredwithtwins · 14/01/2022 22:55

Apologies I missed the months bit

But my opinion hasn't changed

If she wants family time then accept living in a project

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2022 22:55

I think you’re lucky to have such a capable and motivated DH tbh. I do think he should try and set aside some time for the family though. Maybe a day out every other week?

WorriedGiraffe · 14/01/2022 23:01

@bonetiredwithtwins she said she thinks the jobs should wait or they should pay someone, so she is willing to live in a project… she’s asking him to do less around the house so she can see him, she’s not expecting him to do everything

WonderfulYou · 14/01/2022 23:02

YABU these jobs need to be done and you’ve said it’s not every weekend.

You need to make sure you’re getting time without the children to have some you time though.

gemloving · 14/01/2022 23:09

@bonetiredwithtwins looking after 2 such young children is harder work than a full time job if you do it right, so I disagree with your opinion & your name itself confirms how very tiring it can be to have children?

I work full time when I'm not on mat leave, high pressure job at an investment bank. It's a breeze compared to the relentlessness with two kids at home (same age gap for mine), it needs dedication, it's lonely. You really don't get that she wants some support from her husband and some time to breathe?

LagunaBubbles · 14/01/2022 23:18

Why did you buy a house that needed a lot of work like this?

mdinbc · 14/01/2022 23:22

I think it depends on what you consider 'family time'. Assuming he is at home on weekends, but busy doing DIY. You are still all together. He can take an hour for a longer lunch, or brunch on Sunday, then get busy again.

I think you want 'me time'. In that case hire a babysitter so you can go off on Sat afternoon on your own for a while.

PrincessPaws · 14/01/2022 23:25

If you want to pay for someone else to (unnecessarily) come in and do the work, will your DH have to work more to pay for that? If so you are being very unreasonable

3mealsaday · 14/01/2022 23:57

The alternative to family time is 'me time'. I'd be walking out the door in the morning for some me time, leaving DH with the kids, if he fucked off every weekend to do projects and I never got any time to myself.

It's easy... just exit, send text informing your DH that you've exited and put your phone on silent for the next few hours.

And feel no guilt... it's good for the DC to spend some time with their dad. How is he going to build a relationship with them if he never looks after them?

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2022 00:03

@Toomanypeople

Thats lovely she has years to ‘make memories’ but right now she’s making memories of being worn out and never catching a break because her partner doesn’t listen when she tells him. That kind of resentment can build up and overshadow years of ‘made memories’. The dc are young and exhausting now. She’s saving the family money by working 20 hours a week on the business admin as well as full time mum and housekeeper, so assuming he doesn’t work evenings and he doesn’t put 20 hours in over the weekend while she still gets left to full time parent and housekeep, she is working 7 days a week + 20 hours, and more than him. He needs to listen.

Flowers500 · 15/01/2022 00:11

No offence but the children aren't going to actually remember anything so you can't really make memories?

It sounds like you bought a house with the plan to do it up. That's saving you a lot of money--why not spend some of that on babysitting to lighten your load at the weekend?

TBH 'family time' as a concept makes me feel ill. What does that actually involve?

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