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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about people who always seem to have a lot of drama in their lives

112 replies

Bollocks2Covid · 14/01/2022 18:26

I’ve a work colleague who’s life always seems to be full of drama and ‘disasters’ (I use the term very loosely) and in the beginning I really felt sorry for her because she seems so unlucky, but as time’s gone on I’ve started to realise that she almost thrives on it and the attention it brings. We all have shit going on in our lives bit most people don’t go on about it in the way she does, she massively over shares and I knew her life story within a few hours of meeting her and she makes sure everyone knows how terrible her life is.

I can’t work out if I’m just being a cow or not, but I know other people who really do have awful stuff going on and never go on about it half as much. In fact they barely mention it at all.

AIBU to think it’s just about attention with a lot of people?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 15/01/2022 13:59

We used to have the odd client like this. My old fashioned boss would call them “calamity Janes”. Lives full of bad choices

Sausagesausagesausage · 15/01/2022 14:10

Yeah the one I work with is one of those "I just tell it straight" people, has zero problem being as blunt as a sledgehammer but can't take the slightest bit of criticism. Every thing is a drama and it's mostly of her own making.

justalittlebitextra · 15/01/2022 14:19

@Acheyknees

I think alot of the 'dramas' can be avoided if people plan and don't take risks. I'm a planner and worrier, so always make sure my car is serviced, MOT'ed and insured. I make sure my kids school uniform is washed, they've got clean PE stuff and there's food in the fridge for packed lunches. A parent in DD's class, always has 'drama', Car has broken down after she's been driving it with minor faults that need a mechanic to fix for several weeks. Car now needs major work, can't afford it, can't get kids to school, can't get to work or shops, got no food for kids lunches etc, etc. I think with a bit of planning many' dramas' can be avoided.
Yes, my drama llama friend is just like this - totally disorganised, always late and therefore everything is a massive drama. She also had a relatively unstable childhood, so it’s a bit of a perfect storm for her in terms of how she deals with things.

The thing I find strangest is that she’ll be off on one about something one day as if it’s the worst thing that has ever happened and how she can’t sleep etc etc etc and then you ask her a few days later how x thing is - and she’ll have pretty much forgotten about it.

AdoraDeer · 15/01/2022 14:29

This is why I often think life is too hard.
Trauma and ADHD mean I overshare, struggle, and seem to be 'a drama' despite not wanting to be. It's a painful life...And I know friends drift away and drop me... it's at least illuminating to read this thread and realise the full picture, the distate and disgust the normal people feel about people like me.

AdoraDeer · 15/01/2022 14:31

Disorganised, late, overshare, impulsive, make bad choices, resulting in trauma,all aspects of my condition. Why was I born this way and not normal. It's life curse I guess.

Ohyesiam · 15/01/2022 14:33

I’m not sure it’s always for attention, but done people do thrive on drama.
Things like poor impulse control and no routine means that things can’t tick over nicely , and also that random events take hold and become the next drama.

SallyWD · 15/01/2022 14:36

One of my friends is like this - constant drama. It's usually drama related to men (never has a relationship that lasts because of all her drama), but she also has dramas with family members, work colleagues, friends etc. Basically wherever she goes, there's drama. We live in different cities now but whenever I see her, for my birthday or whatever, she's just sitting there crying, in the midst of some turmoil. I'm starting to keep a real distance now. It drains me.

Glowtastic · 15/01/2022 14:37

@AdoraDeer

Disorganised, late, overshare, impulsive, make bad choices, resulting in trauma,all aspects of my condition. Why was I born this way and not normal. It's life curse I guess.
That does sound really grim for you, but with support you can make changes. I used to have a drama filled life and lost friends due to it but now it's pretty quiet. I have dyspraxia and ADHD but am constantly obsessively on time and very mindful of what I share and who with. It takes time and practice but it is doable. I really struggle with some aspects of organisation (always losing things) but have developed systems that help me. I have had to, I have a responsible job and my kids need food, clothes and shelter!
EishetChayil · 15/01/2022 14:44

@AdoraDeer

This is why I often think life is too hard. Trauma and ADHD mean I overshare, struggle, and seem to be 'a drama' despite not wanting to be. It's a painful life...And I know friends drift away and drop me... it's at least illuminating to read this thread and realise the full picture, the distate and disgust the normal people feel about people like me.

What do you do to mitigate the effects of your ADHD and lead a less drama-filled life? Because I have no issue at all with people who are clearly working to live with their conditions. It's those who seem to thrive on the drama who I take issue with.

SingToTheSky · 15/01/2022 14:45

I have ADHD as well (also autistic) and life is pretty difficult - lots of health issues etc. I am just very passive and quiet for the most part though, don’t even post on SM etc anymore. I sometimes wish I was less quiet TBH as I’d find it easier to ask for help

Glowtastic · 15/01/2022 14:49

@SingToTheSky

I have ADHD as well (also autistic) and life is pretty difficult - lots of health issues etc. I am just very passive and quiet for the most part though, don’t even post on SM etc anymore. I sometimes wish I was less quiet TBH as I’d find it easier to ask for help
Same here. I've been reading a lot about women misdiagnosed with personality disorder when they were autistic all along. I relate to a lot of the stories esp childhood stuff and given I'm not neurotypical I have thought about having an autism assessment. I'm very quiet now and don't ask for help. The relief that I don't HAVE to socialise has been immense though, no more forced performances at parties and awkward group meals. I just to 1:1 now with close friends, I enjoyed the walking one on one during lockdown, only bit that was ok! It also put paid to my kitchen being permanently filled with visitors which has been a blessing.
MooPointCowsOpinion · 15/01/2022 14:53

I’m not sure it’s drama either, I heard a phrase once that’s stuck with me. Some people are “chaos navigators” in that their upbringing and life have been chaotic and it’s chaos that makes them feel most at home, most useful, most purposeful.
I can see a lot of classism in the replies to this thread… it is much easier to avoid chaos, difficulty etc from a place of privilege. If someone does seem to thrive on their chaos in their lives, it’s not because they want to be miserable it’s because they find purpose in it and it is unavoidable for the most part.
You can help by sharing some calm with them. A nice night out, start a conversation about something gentle, and don’t be too offended if your conversation about shopping or whatever is brushed off as unimportant in comparison to their problems. It is relatively unimportant.
That’s what my lovely in-laws did for me, and now I can navigate both worlds.

lawandgin · 15/01/2022 15:01

I have wondered if people think similar of me. In the last couple of years: my mum's had cancer, one of my best friends has died, a relative has died leaving a very difficult inheritance situation which I am involved in and their partner has also died which has complicated matters further, I've had IVF and ended up very ill with OHSS (although happily 25 weeks pregnant and very grateful) and multiple "dramas" with a drug addict brother - including him stealing a significant sum of money from me and smaller amounts from my parents. I am quite an open person and as these things take up a lot of my life I probably do talk about them a reasonable amount, but then I worry what people must be thinking! Are they thinking I'm a drama queen like the people in pp examples?!

lljkk · 15/01/2022 15:13

Someone in my office I wonder about. Mostly his life is so boring, punctuated by things that don't seem like candidates for drama. In his case, I think he escalates stuff that could have been handled more quietly. Where he parks at work, him & partner trying to book a holiday, getting work done on his house... so often just seems to turn into some kind of conflict-ridden saga.

ESGdance · 15/01/2022 15:16

@lawandgin

I have wondered if people think similar of me. In the last couple of years: my mum's had cancer, one of my best friends has died, a relative has died leaving a very difficult inheritance situation which I am involved in and their partner has also died which has complicated matters further, I've had IVF and ended up very ill with OHSS (although happily 25 weeks pregnant and very grateful) and multiple "dramas" with a drug addict brother - including him stealing a significant sum of money from me and smaller amounts from my parents. I am quite an open person and as these things take up a lot of my life I probably do talk about them a reasonable amount, but then I worry what people must be thinking! Are they thinking I'm a drama queen like the people in pp examples?!
Congratulations on your pregnancy. You have a lot on your plate. I doubt others think this about you because you are aware enough to have asked the Q.

However I would really focus on your own MH health and pregnancy and emotional well being - cortisol and adrenaline are not good for you. Try to take yourself out of complicated people’s lives and simplify your life as well as look at mediation and calm healthy ways to live a peaceful life moment to moment.

Freecuthbert · 15/01/2022 15:29

@lawandgin

Sorry to hear about all this, but no I don't think that makes you come across as a "drama llama" at all. It sounds like bad luck, one bad thing after another in a short space of time. I've had a stroke of bad luck the past couple years myself. But a "drama llama" in my opinion would exaggerate every minor thing/inconvenience into a big drama, and a lot of stuff would be of their own doing.

For example, someone I worked with came into work and told everyone he likely has cancer, went on about the cancer scare and how he'll need to take loads of time off work etc... in the end it turned out that this person had a suspect looking mole removed but results were all fine. I've known a lot of people to get moles removed but they don't brand it a cancer scare from the get go and broadcast it to all their colleagues as if they have cancer and garner tons of sympathy for it. The same person everything in his life is a catastrophe if you asked him. But often when you listen to his problems they are fairly minor/normal things that are a bit shit but people just deal with. And he makes really poor decisions and that just impacts everything.

Offmyfence · 15/01/2022 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cabsavpls · 15/01/2022 15:47

I think some people mean 'choose to overshare' having ADHD doesn't mean you can't learn new behaviours that are more accepted by others.

I am diagnosed, as is my son and probably by daughter soon as it seems a family trait! We all manage to slot in to 'normal' life. Yes, it's been harder to learn and not as natural as some people but completely possible.

I see the use of ADHD as mitigation for lot of unpleasant behaviours and it winds me up. Some people are just selfish, self cantered, over share and can't see the bigger picture and happen to also have ADHD.

I don't excuse any of my children's selfish behaviour and pull them up on it, just as I would a neurotypical.

JanuaryBluehoo · 15/01/2022 16:09

@ESGdance

Excellent post

lawandgin · 15/01/2022 16:21

@ESGdance thank you. You are right and I do try to put boundaries in place where possible, but I think I could do more. I've gone pretty much NC with the brother but for various reasons until some things are sorted out I can't really step away from some of the other family stresses. However I have someone else to think about now and it's my job to look after myself so I can look after them 🥰

@Freecuthbert that's reassuring to hear so thank you! Sorry to hear about your bad luck. I know what you mean about that kind of person - my brother is one of them. It's all shit and never his fault Hmm nothing to do with the circumstances he's created of course!

seekinglondonlife · 15/01/2022 16:22

I think there is a massive difference between people who have lots of chaos in their lives and those who turn everyday happenings into a huge fuss, usually for attention.

Offmyfence · 15/01/2022 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancescaContini · 15/01/2022 16:26

I always wonder if they are people who grew up in very chaotic homes, with constant stress and noise - or “drama”, if you want to call it that. This is all they are used to - perhaps the highs and lows are emotionally addictive?

I actively avoid people like this. So draining. Can’t bear stuff like Eastenders - so aggressive and negative. Nobody is ever pleasant to anyone else, unless there’s personal gain involved.

earsup · 15/01/2022 16:45

I had an ex colleague like this..she latched onto me after I left so saw her on and off....every day there was an episode...all self created...I blocked her and told her i was working abroad to get rid of her out my life...awful draining woman...and she blamed everyone else for the disasters.....

  1. car clamped outside dry cleaners...5 mins walk from house, lots of parking notices on street...not her fault..
  2. engine blew on car as ignored warning lights for months....
  3. boiler blew as also ignored warning lights
4.got warning from work as left early each day...not her fault... 5.son got arrested for speeding....rang everyone....at 5 am..!! 6.got £2000 electric bill as never submitted readings...

this is only a fraction of her daily adventures....so exhausting..and none was ever her fault....and she is now a life coach...hilarious....!!!

FormerlyAHoarder · 15/01/2022 17:05

I'd be really sympathetic to anybody with an addict in their family. You can tell what's really hard to deal with and what's being blown out of all proportion. My colleague details all of her fallings out with flatmates and I'm thinking ''but who are these people to you really'' so I know that that doesn't sound sympathetic but I wish she would stop letting it all mean so much to her. Let it mean less.......