To wonder about people who always seem to have a lot of drama in their lives

[Bollocks2Covid]

I’ve a work colleague who’s life always seems to be full of drama and ‘disasters’ (I use the term very loosely) and in the beginning I really felt sorry for her because she seems so unlucky, but as time’s gone on I’ve started to realise that she almost thrives on it and the attention it brings. We all have shit going on in our lives bit most people don’t go on about it in the way she does, she massively over shares and I knew her life story within a few hours of meeting her and she makes sure everyone knows how terrible her life is.

I can’t work out if I’m just being a cow or not, but I know other people who really do have awful stuff going on and never go on about it half as much. In fact they barely mention it at all.

AIBU to think it’s just about attention with a lot of people?

In my experience of the drama that has occurred in my life, and there has been plenty, and my varying reactions to it, I can say that drama is definitely less interesting to talk about when you’re taking all the steps you can to remediate the situation.

I think some people are unlucky - especially if they came from chaotic families and they do have a lot of difficult stuff in their lives.

And then there are people who are just drama queens (of either sex) and are always reading the worst into things - 'She blanked me!' if someone doesn't see them on the street; 'He IGNORED my message!' about someone who didn't reply instantly - and makes things into unnecessary arguments when they could have realised the more likely explanations.

It is worth watching What we do in the shadows, series 1 episode 3 about an Emotional Vampire. Totally summed up a woman I used to work with- always having a drama eg. Distant friend dying which she turned into all about her, seeing an animal on the roadside on way to work ( despite being a meat eater!), fear of dying alone ( healthy, married and in early 40s) all induced floods of tears. She was a nice lady but I didn’t realise how much she was stressing me out until she left!

@EvilPea

I think there is a genuine reason for this with some people. If as a child you grow up in volatile households. You learn that the cortisol rush you experience means safety (after the incident). So you continue to crave the cortisol (or drama) to feel safe.

Yes I think that a neglectful / indifferent / abusive chaotic childhood where being in fight or flight mode was normal with cortisol and adrenaline levels raised to act to survive - means some people are emotionally dysregulated - because their smoke alarm is still ringing.

When we are in flight / flight mode and out bodies are awash with stress chemicals our minds read everything as amplified from reality - and then the response is disproportionate - which then causes interpersonal conflict and the drama mindset is then “proven” right. Like PP said about perceived slights from customer services etc - a total mid judgment of a situation and a volatile over reaction which causes drama where none existed.

Agree that the hype / discomfort of chaos / suspicion / elevated drama is all very familiar and feels like “home”. This can lead to cPTSD as this heightened state causes people to collide with others. The trick for them is to learn to self soothe and emotionally regulate - when triggered - dial it down before making a choice about what to do or say.

I swerve intense people - they don’t even notice and they go crashing on mindlessly to someone else.

A huge yes, those who think Eastenders is a life training video. I had a friend who hated it if life didn’t have a lot of drama— she used to actually create it to liven things up a bit

I have a work colleague like this. There's always a drama and she's always woe is me. She thinks she's the only person who has troubles. She isn't, others just don't drone on like she does!
Covid lockdown was a nightmare and whenever I tried to talk about issues I was facing she just turned it back to her woes.
I took a massive step back from her and now only converse on work stuff ( easy to do as we're all wfh and on Teams).
I'm just so fed up of her shit

I've remained friends with someone of FB (an old acquaintance) just because the drama is so entertaining. The best is when people pull her on it. It's also quite funny when she asks for help (would anybody like to come and paint my new massive extension for me? In return you'll have my great company and a slice of cake!) and then there's deathly silence because everybody knows she can afford a painter and decorator, and has a DH and older teenagers that are perfectly capable of helping paint the house - the "woe is me" strop that follows is always bemusing and entertaining at the same time.

Some people are genuinely unlucky in life. One of my friends has not only encountered lots of bad luck, but she's also always made the opposite decision that I would have made, and it doesn't always turn out well. I think she wasn't guided very well as a child, and as an adult struggles to see the possible long term implications of decisions. She never, ever complains though.

@Cornettoninja

I had read that if you're walking in to a situation you fear, chew gum, as if you're body registers that you're chewing and swallowing it can't fathom being too stressed as it thinks you're ok and eating something, as you would only eat when there's no danger. If there were danger, you'd be running not eating

That’s really interesting if you think of it in the context of comfort eating/over eating disorders. A lot of addictions (it’s my understanding anyway) are less about the ‘thing’ someone is addicted to and more about what it triggers and why addictions are a form of self-medication.

Oh yeh, I was literally only thinking of the gum and not thinking about food but this really makes sense, why over-eating is emotional. Or can be.

@Crikeyalmighty

A huge yes, those who think Eastenders is a life training video. I had a friend who hated it if life didn’t have a lot of drama— she used to actually create it to liven things up a bit

DH jokes that if the characters in Eastenders were more honest and didn't lie as much then there wouldn't be a drama.

I think he has a point about life and drama in general. And that says a lot about people who have huge amount of drama in their lives.

www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/why-stress-causes-people-to-overeat

Here is the science explaining stress eating and cortisol

I had a ‘friend’ like this for a number of years. Everything negative that happened in her life she exacerbated until she had created a full on drama. She was stubborn, wouldn’t listen to any advice and everything was always someone else’s fault. It was exhausting.

I have to admit in the end (with a bit of help from Covid) I ghosted her, mainly because she wouldn’t have accepted me being upfront with her and that in itself would have been made into a drama. Life is too short.

@RedToothBrush

Its the ability to risk assess and have the foresight to see problems.

Some people just don't think ahead and don't risk assess.
Some people do think ahead but are poor at risk assessing.
Some people can think ahead and can see the risk but don't have the means to reduce that risk.
Some people knowingly take risk thinking they can beat it arrogantly and therefore make poor decisions because they misjudge the situation.
And finally you have risk takers who are good at assessing the risk but also are good at managing the risk and usually come out well (but not always) and accept the consequences either way because they view it as worthwhile.

People who are cautious and think ahead are much more rarely drama llamas. They are level headed.

People who understand and knowingly accept the risk and that they may have positive or negative results are rarely drama llamas. They are often interesting people simply wanting to make the very best of opportunities and have a positive attitude. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it doesn't. But they take ownership of it.

The drama llamas are the ones who just have no concept of the chain of decisions they make that leaves them vulnerable to everything going tits up. Or they are thrill seekers who don't want to take responsibility of the risk of it going wrong.

Luck plays a much smaller role than drama llamas like to admit, as there is a fairly obvious pattern of behaviour to anyone else onlooking.

I think this is a brilliant post, I have ruthlessly culled the drama llamas from my life but my partner has a few and you have summed up their decision making (or lack of) perfectly.

Some people are addicted to drama and seem to generate it themselves. I have a friend who had a habit of choosing unsuitable men so the relationships/flings were fraught with drama and falling out/ making up, all very publicly. She admitted to me that she couldn't face having a boring relationship- it had to be "electric". She's now with a great guy, very stable, loyal and even tempered but she's always niggling at him trying to spark off conflict to "test" him.

I have another friend from school days who is lovely but has a low level of resilience. Its just how she is. Stuff that most people think of as every day life is really overwhelming to her. Whenever I ask how she is she always gasps about how stressed and busy she is and I don't doubt that's how she really feels.

Probably both nature and nature come into it. The first friend witnessed her parents acrimonious divorce. Her father went awol saying if the mother didn't love him he didn't want anything to do with the children either and they didn't see him for years. It kind of explains why she tests people's love.

The second friend had a mother who was constantly complaining about how stressed she was. She did have four children and a hapless husband to be fair. (Friend has husband and one child.) Maybe friend "learned" that is how life is meant to be as a wife and mother.

One of her kids has had problems at school (because they are naughty) and she is always having to leave work to go to meetings with the head, teachers etc or take phone calls from them . Always during the working day, however having worked in schools I know that they are used to dealing with working parents and will work things around them. There is absolutely no need for her to leave work, but she does it anyway because you know, the attention 🙄

I meant to add that I have adhd (only diagnosed last year) and if I don't make the effort organise myself and focus various "dramas" do result. In the form of missing a plane because I've turned up at the wrong airport etc. I also have poor motor skills and am clumsy so often break things or injure myself. I'm one of those people a pp mentioned who turns it into a funny story - I do see the humour in it rather than get upset. A drama llama would have a very different take on it!

Yep, I sort of need the drama to get anything done as I've got adhd too and grew up in an abusive household.

Once you see the connections, it's easier to plan and try and reduce it all. If it's your "normal", then it's very had not to be the drama llama, just to get by, bloody tiring tho.

I’ve cut mine out because it was exhausting.

The worst thing was the dramas weren’t even dramas. It would be things like the boiler needing a (cheap) part or the bird of prey ‘terrorising’ her garden or her son having a cold.

I’d have lengthy frantic texts and voice notes, multiple times a day about nonsense, always about how TERRIBLE it is and how stressed she is about it. She is also terribly terribly busy and stressed all the time, I’ve posted about it before, I work 55-60 hr weeks and she is a SAHM to one teenager with no commitments.

Some people just can’t cope with having an easy life so they create imaginary stresses.

@Flumpaphone

What we do in the Shadows (BBC 3/IPlayer) has an entire episode on this - the Emotional Vampire. When you realise there is one in every office trying to suck the life and energy out if someone it is very well observed and very funny.

Evie who starts at Colin Robinson's office!

Love that show.

I have a male friend and a female friend both of whom love a drama. They then decided to have some kind of weird fling and combined the drama. It got to the stage that the being around them was intolerable due to their full on almost aggressive flirting and innuendo so I withdrew from spending time with them. The female friend in particular is someone I only like to see for a walk or round each others houses, as when we're out at a bar or pub she's on heat when she sees a group of men and just wants to flirt. It's embarrassing! She also thinks she's gorgeous... She is attractive there's no doubt but she has such a high opinion of her looks that she can't compute that not everyone fancies her. It's very strange.

I used to have lots if drama in my life because I was surrounded by unstable dramatic people who didn't have a 9 to 5 job to go too.

My life is different now.
And yes having to get up for work does make a huge difference in people's actions.

@GaiusHelenMohiam

I’ve cut mine out because it was exhausting.

The worst thing was the dramas weren’t even dramas. It would be things like the boiler needing a (cheap) part or the bird of prey ‘terrorising’ her garden or her son having a cold.

I’d have lengthy frantic texts and voice notes, multiple times a day about nonsense, always about how TERRIBLE it is and how stressed she is about it. She is also terribly terribly busy and stressed all the time, I’ve posted about it before, I work 55-60 hr weeks and she is a SAHM to one teenager with no commitments.

Some people just can’t cope with having an easy life so they create imaginary stresses.

I have a friend like this, only with her kids 60% of the time and doesn't need to work (she does for extra spends) as the ex Bank rolls everything, pays the full mortgage for a house he doesn't live in and gives her loads of maintenance each month. Everything is stress and drama despite having loads of time to herself and no money worries. She's not able to emphasise either, e.g. that most of us get far less free time and have to work to keep a roof over our head.

I think alot of the 'dramas' can be avoided if people plan and don't take risks. I'm a planner and worrier, so always make sure my car is serviced, MOT'ed and insured. I make sure my kids school uniform is washed, they've got clean PE stuff and there's food in the fridge for packed lunches. A parent in DD's class, always has 'drama', Car has broken down after she's been driving it with minor faults that need a mechanic to fix for several weeks. Car now needs major work, can't afford it, can't get kids to school, can't get to work or shops, got no food for kids lunches etc, etc. I think with a bit of planning many' dramas' can be avoided.

There is also the kaprman drama triangle, I was very much locked into that and another one I can't remember the name of, perhaps enmeshed?
Where one family member has a trauma and all of them get sucked in.

@JanuaryBluehoo

I used to have lots if drama in my life because I was surrounded by unstable dramatic people who didn't have a 9 to 5 job to go too.

My life is different now.
And yes having to get up for work does make a huge difference in people's actions.

Agree, the drama llamas in my life are either "self employed" doing some kind of optional hobby job or not working, saying they "can't because of childcare". It's when they can't read the room and will moan and complain to a group of working mum's!

There's a couple of these at work, I know all about their lives. I've had a fair bit of bad luck in the last few years but they know nothing about mine.