To wonder about people who always seem to have a lot of drama in their lives

[Bollocks2Covid]

I’ve a work colleague who’s life always seems to be full of drama and ‘disasters’ (I use the term very loosely) and in the beginning I really felt sorry for her because she seems so unlucky, but as time’s gone on I’ve started to realise that she almost thrives on it and the attention it brings. We all have shit going on in our lives bit most people don’t go on about it in the way she does, she massively over shares and I knew her life story within a few hours of meeting her and she makes sure everyone knows how terrible her life is.

I can’t work out if I’m just being a cow or not, but I know other people who really do have awful stuff going on and never go on about it half as much. In fact they barely mention it at all.

AIBU to think it’s just about attention with a lot of people?

Agreed. My DP can be like this. It's draining

Main character syndrome, you and everybody else are just there as supporting characters to react to her.

I think we all know at least one of these people!

I had a school mum like this when my youngest was in primary school. To make matters worse, she was a drama martyr. The type to say "just got hit by a car last night, but discharged myself from hospital because I wanted to do the school run". Constant health scares, she never had a headache or stomach pain, it was always "suspected [insert life threatening illness". No one could ever mention their issues without her interjecting that she'd already experienced it, but hers was ten times worse. She also had (I suspect fictional) daily occurrences of her having to save women from DV. This mostly involved her bursting into homes and literally dragging men off women. No one ever called the police/ambulance for help, they always called her.

She was also severely disabled, to the extent that the council were building her an adapted bungalow, despite not having any visible disabilities and walking completely normally. She "fought the pain"

Its the ability to risk assess and have the foresight to see problems.

Some people just don't think ahead and don't risk assess.
Some people do think ahead but are poor at risk assessing.
Some people can think ahead and can see the risk but don't have the means to reduce that risk.
Some people knowingly take risk thinking they can beat it arrogantly and therefore make poor decisions because they misjudge the situation.
And finally you have risk takers who are good at assessing the risk but also are good at managing the risk and usually come out well (but not always) and accept the consequences either way because they view it as worthwhile.

People who are cautious and think ahead are much more rarely drama llamas. They are level headed.

People who understand and knowingly accept the risk and that they may have positive or negative results are rarely drama llamas. They are often interesting people simply wanting to make the very best of opportunities and have a positive attitude. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it doesn't. But they take ownership of it.

The drama llamas are the ones who just have no concept of the chain of decisions they make that leaves them vulnerable to everything going tits up. Or they are thrill seekers who don't want to take responsibility of the risk of it going wrong.

Luck plays a much smaller role than drama llamas like to admit, as there is a fairly obvious pattern of behaviour to anyone else onlooking.

Yeah we’ve all one of those colleagues think it’s a bit like they have to off load to someone and a colleague they see everyday is a obvious choice. I try not to get too involved with peoples lives harsh as it sounds as I’ve often been the one that Is offloaded to. Imo I feel work Is a distraction to my stresses so I don’t want to burden colleagues with my problems .

The thing that gets me the most is that she tells everyone. Even temps who have just been brought in to cover for a few days get her entire life story. I can’t imagine ever telling someone I’ve only just met stuff like that.

I work with a woman like this too and although I get tired of listening to it all, she's also revealed that she was raised by her angry unhappy mother after her father left when she was a toddler. As a young adult, he walked past her on the street once. He did know who she was but crossed the road. She reached out to him and he told her to go away (but he was less polite than that). She is consequently hypervigilant to being hurt. All of her stories are her being outraged by what so and so said to her/did to her. Stuff that most people either wouldn't have noticed or would have forgotten about quickly. You can't make somebody go to therapy though. I have told her I've been (twice) and told her it helped me. But she doesn't get it yet, the connection between her inner child feeling hurt and her extreme sensitivity to bad customer service, thoughtless flatmates, busy abrupt colleagues...

I feel like I get it. In my family of origin there was one perspective allowed and it was not mine. My perspective was a huge act of aggression. So now in my adult life I'm massively triggered and upset by people who shut me down and refuse to hear ''my side''. The injustice hurts me more than it would hurt the average person I think.

I do my best to walk away from my trigger; people who want to summons me in to a fake relationship on their terms but shut me down though. I was drawn to that for decades.

I have someone like this in my life. Really agree with the PP who mentioned 'main character syndrome', really reminds me of the person I'm thinking of.

We've been friends for nearly a year, but it's dawned on me that I doubt she knows my children's names or much about me.

@Bollocks2Covid this is a good video about over sharing.

I was never as bad as your colleague! But every time I start a new job, I think, ok, I won't let on that my x was abusive, that I escaped, that I was on benefits for years... I'll keep all of that quiet. But then I realise after a few months that I've revealed it all. I may have chosen a moment where personal stories were being exchanged, but still, I had wanted to hold back and still seemed unable to.

This psychologist had a video about over sharing that helped me understand what was going on. I have got ''less bad'' at over sharing!

@seekinglondonlife

I had a school mum like this when my youngest was in primary school. To make matters worse, she was a drama martyr. The type to say "just got hit by a car last night, but discharged myself from hospital because I wanted to do the school run". Constant health scares, she never had a headache or stomach pain, it was always "suspected [insert life threatening illness". No one could ever mention their issues without her interjecting that she'd already experienced it, but hers was ten times worse. She also had (I suspect fictional) daily occurrences of her having to save women from DV. This mostly involved her bursting into homes and literally dragging men off women. No one ever called the police/ambulance for help, they always called her.

I know a woman like this too. I see it as different though. The woman I know, I read a spec for hystrionic personality disorder which was like bingo! sexist name but the spec fitted her. She was the same, longed to be a hero in fact, my family used to joke that she was in the local paper every week. She very nearly was too!

@Biker47

Main character syndrome, you and everybody else are just there as supporting characters to react to her.

My Mum is like this but not dramatic. She is the main character. We are supporting characters. The only thing we are required to support though is her rosy perception of herself as a perfect person and mother. So long as we do this she is pleasant. If I ever challenge her perception of herself, she will martyr up very silently, no drama, just a silent treatment until she starts talking about the weather and the garden again. I have been stonewalled my entire life I think. By a very pleasant woman. The protagonist indeed. I don't get to decide my own character. She projects it on to me. No drama though. She wouldn't tolerate drama. Everybody must be very pleasant!

I’ve got someone like this in my life and I’ve decided this is the year I’m going to really distance myself. I’ve tried in the past and they always pull me back in with their never ending tales of woe, so I feel sorry for them, then they mess me about lots but I can’t say anything as poor them has the weight of the world on their shoulders. Everything’s about them and they’re only interested in hearing about my life when something goes wrong so I no longer share anything important with them. It’s been years and it’s a never ending cycle. I don’t think they’ll ever be happy or even content. I’d speak to this work colleague as little as possible.

I know someone like this and they had a neglected childhood, they have never really healed from it, and this is one of the effects.

The last 14 months of my life could be a soap storyline at Christmas. I don't thrive in it and I keep thinking when will I get a break?

I hate drama at the best of times so living it has been tough.

I'll be glad when it's bloody over.

What we do in the Shadows (BBC 3/IPlayer) has an entire episode on this - the Emotional Vampire. When you realise there is one in every office trying to suck the life and energy out if someone it is very well observed and very funny.

@EvilPea

I think there is a genuine reason for this with some people. If as a child you grow up in volatile households. You learn that the cortisol rush you experience means safety (after the incident). So you continue to crave the cortisol (or drama) to feel safe.

that is interesting. I had read that if you're walking in to a situation you fear, chew gum, as if you're body registers that you're chewing and swallowing it can't fathom being too stressed as it thinks you're ok and eating something, as you would only eat when there's no danger. If there were danger, you'd be running not eating. I have used this trick a few times. I really think it helped me stay in my cortex and out of my amygdala....

I have a drama colleague. She doesn't appear to have enough so she borrows ours too.

I had a heart attack at work.

SHE is still suffering from the fact I sat down in the corner whilst the boss rang the ambulance. I'm fine now. Listened to her telling our new colleague all about it yesterday, as if it was last week not a few years ago.

I used to work with someone like this. Every morning you’d come in to some story and something had happened.
She knowingly married an alcoholic, had two children with him. All the drama that unfolded with it. He turned up pissed to the wedding.
Most of it she brought onto herself as we’d advise her and she’d ignore the advice, she was so wrapped up in her own world and drama.
Glad she left, it’s so peaceful at work now.

I've got a drama queen in my life, although I firmly believe she makes it all up. Which is even more draining really because its maddening as well as time consuming.

I had read that if you're walking in to a situation you fear, chew gum, as if you're body registers that you're chewing and swallowing it can't fathom being too stressed as it thinks you're ok and eating something, as you would only eat when there's no danger. If there were danger, you'd be running not eating

That’s really interesting if you think of it in the context of comfort eating/over eating disorders. A lot of addictions (it’s my understanding anyway) are less about the ‘thing’ someone is addicted to and more about what it triggers and why addictions are a form of self-medication.

I know a girl at a hobby I go to that's exactly like this. There's always an argument going on, some other drama, a death in the family, that has her miserable and in tears every time we meet.

The worst thing is she messages me between meetings, sends videos of herself telling me what's going on (through tears), and when we're AT the meetings she will come and sit next to me and start talking, meaning I can't talk to anyone else as she's literally just talking about her own dramas.

You're always best trying to keep these people at arm's length. It may seem harsh but you have to look after yourself, too!

Due to growing up with an emotionally erratic/abusive mother, for many years I felt it was my duty to suffer people like this. It took a lot of time and therapy to realise that it isn't my lot to be friends with dramatic people. I can refuse to engage. It's been quite liberating!