Should he stay with his elderly mother?

[badspella]

I am caught between two very strong sets of opinions with respect to a situation relating to the care of my elderly mother in law.

MIL is 89 and has the early stages of dementia. She is not poorly enough to need daily care, but my husband (her son) pops in to see her every day, and her husband (husband's stepfather) receives daily care for chronic mobility problems (help getting up and dressed etc). The carers also check on MIL.

My husband's stepfather had a nasty fall yesterday and he has broken his hip. He is now in hospital and will almost certainly need an operation. It is estimated that he will be in hospital for about two weeks, if no complications set in. It is also likely that complications will set in because the poor man has had several episodes of sepsis over the past five years.

MIL would like my husband to stay with her until her husband returns home. She lives in a very rural setting, and, although she is quite healthy, she is 89, walks with a stick and there is a risk of her falling. She is very afraid of being on her own, particularly at night,

My husband and I do not live together and he has no work commitments. My husband is adamant that he cannot stay with his mother. He states that they do not really get on and that his mother constantly follows him and asks him repetitive questions. He stayed with her for a few days when his stepfather was in hospital last year, and it ended with my husband leaving abruptly (to put it mildly) and upsetting his mother. He will, however see her every day.

Yesterday, my MIL called me and pleaded with me to try to persuade my husband to stay with her. She did sound quite upset. I talked to her and told her I would speak to my husband, and that he would see her every day whatever the case. My husband, however, is vehemently opposed to staying with his mother, even for a short time.

I would stay, if it was possible. However, I am the sole carer for our young adult son who is in MH crisis, I do not drive, and I could not work from my MIL's property (no Internet). Furthermore, it is my husband whom she wants to stay. We get on well, and speak every day on the phone, but she wants her son to stay.

On one hand, I feel that as long as my husband sees his mother every day, and her care needs are met, there should be no problem, and this would be better than my husband losing his temper or storming off.

On the other hand, I feel really sorry for his mother, who is very old, very worried about her husband and very scared.

What should I do in this situation? I really feel for my MIL, but I am aware of what happened last year.

I might be completely missing the point here but how are you married and yet not living together? Are you separated? If so, it's your husband's problem to sort, not yours.

Jesus. This all sounds so complicated. You care for your son. You work. You don’t drive. You husband lives elsewhere. He doesn’t work.

As I can see it, you don’t do anything. It’s not your problem. It’s your seemingly burden-free husband’s problem.

I absolutely understand why he would not want to stay...... BUT this is his mother and if he can't "give up" two weeks of his life then that says a lot about him as a person. He has no job and no childcare responsibilities to think about and this poor woman will be terrified. How would he feel if she fell down the stairs or injured herself during the night and had no way of getting help?
Having said all that though..... he needs to look at the bigger picture. His Mother is unable to look after herself without her husband, if her husband is in hospital for longer, what then? He already, does not want to stay for two weeks so longer would not be a desirable option. I'd be making some phone calls to agencies and find out what the options are.

And actually, to answer your question, yes, he should and could stay with his Mother, but he is choosing not too.

@LakieLady

My late mother had dementia. There is no way I could have stayed with her for more than a couple of days before she drove me raving bonkers.

She needs respite care while her DH is in hospital.

This 100% ^

Unless you've had an elderly parent with dementia, you have no clue what it's like. All the flippant comments, such as "of course your DH should step up and care for his mother" aren't helpful.

My DH went through this with his mother. She demanded more and more care from him, other family members kept going on at him about what he should be doing and I picked up the pieces. His mother had never been especially kind but in her demented state she was very unkind and difficult. There is no way my DH could have moved in with her, he did what he could but it was never sufficient.

Finally, she was admitted to hospital by the District Nurse, who was worried about her safety. I'd been worried about it for months but it was an impossible situation. You couldn't reason with her and so it went on.

After she'd been in hospital for about a month, she was admitted to a respite care home, where she was assessed. It was very quickly clear that she wasn't safe to be at home so she was put into a care home.

@badspella ask for a Social Services Adult Care referral and arrange some respite for your MIL. She will probably refuse but I believe that it can be decided for her, if she's not safe at home.

The husband is going to see his mum daily so he’s not a complete arsehole.

Could MIL stay at his OP? Then he can escape to your house during the day is whenever it gets too much for him with his mum?

@Christmaswindows

And actually, to answer your question, yes, he should and could stay with his Mother, but he is choosing not too.

Such an utterly naive response.

@Christmaswindows

And actually, to answer your question, yes, he should and could stay with his Mother, but he is choosing not too.

This. She’s quite clearly not safe alone and particularly at night. If she has the money to pay for it, perhaps a short stay in residential care is the answer.

I actually admire him for saying no but it isn’t fair that the OP is now worrying about the situation. I say this as a daughter who’s been roped into care for my DM who has Alzheimer’s and I now visit every other day.

This needs far longer planning. Her husband isn’t going to be able to care for her at all when her returns home, if her returns. The hospital has a duty of care not release him without a robust care provision. That could actually mean if your dh is there and providing it for his mum, it may be presumed that your dh will provide for him as well.

Personally I think this is likely the beginning of the end of their living in the house. Your mil needs to go into some form of respite care if available and if not, emergency carers need to be set in place. It is far more likely that her dh will need to join her in some kind of care facility and the house sold.

@Huntswomanonthemove
Why "utterly naive"?

If he doesn't feel comfortable taking on full time care for a dementia patient, he absolutely should not be guilt tripped into it. As others have said, this is the time for reviewing longer term plans for MIL in case her husband's health deteriorates.

However, the questions about why your husband lives alone are not just us being nosy! The context could be very relevant here. If he poses any kind of risk to you and your child, he does to his mother as well. If there's a financial reason he chooses to maintain a separate household, is he going to start quibbling about care home fees which will diminish his inheritance? Does he have other commitments (a second family!?!)?

[quote Christmaswindows]@Huntswomanonthemove
Why "utterly naive"?[/quote]
Every situation is different and we don't have enough information available to be able to say categorically that the DH should step up and stay with his mother.

Elderly people can become quite selfish and demanding and those with dementia can become impossible. In a professional setting, trained staff know how to deal with difficult, elderly people. Furthermore, there isn't any emotional aspect in the care they give.

When my MIL needed care, the Social Worker chatted to my DH and she pointed out that it can be extremely inappropriate for an adult son to look after the personal needs of his DM. He'd already found this out, when he was at her house and she'd been incontinent. The acute embarrassment for them both was awful.

There is a massive shortage of carers right now. Overnight care starting asap almost certainly can't be magicked up out of nowhere.

It sounds like it's time that they both need to move elsewhere, into residential/nursing care.
My own mother had dementia, so I have some experience - it's highly likely that this event has pulled the rug from under her feet and her dementia has taken a turn for the worse.

If your husband is not prepared to step up, he needs to sort things out so his mother feels safe, and his father is unlikely just to be able to be discharged, go home and carry on as before. Respite care as a minimum and likely that will need to become permanent.

What does he do if he doesn't live with you and doesn't work ? Is he unwell himself?

He doesn't need to stay with her all day and overnight. Popping in each day to check on her, is enough. She can always call him if she needs to.

@Beautiful3

He doesn't need to stay with her all day and overnight. Popping in each day to check on her, is enough. She can always call him if she needs to.

Hah, you really don’t know anything about dementia, do you?

Sorry, why does your husband not live with you ? If you live separate lives then although you may feel soory for his mother it is not your problem. You can let him know what she has said and then let him deal with it.

I know some childless married couples choose to live apart because it works for them both mentally and financially but you have a son and still live apart? I can’t fully understand that…

He should go help his Mother, she’s vulnerable and shouldn’t be left alone for weeks. He also should help you out more with your son.

Speaking both personally and professionally I think that if you can't manage to care for someone with dementia then you can't no matter how much you may love them. Its analogous to caring for someone who is incontinent; if you can cope with it then you can and if you can't you can't.
Again, speaking personally and professionally, I don't think its up to a spouse or partner to have opinions about what someone should do for the spouse/partner's parent. Their role should be restricted to supporting them in whatever decision they make.

I agree with those who have said, there is a whole mess of head in the sand here about this lady and her future care. Does anyone hold a POA for her? She is entitled to her own appropriate care and if she can't cope alone then representation needs to be made to social services urgently. What can happen will depend on her capacity but it would be really easy for her care needs to be ignored if your spouse moves in and then you and he would be really stuffed. Those who are saying he should just do it may not have been in this position.

I would not be impressed if my commitment free dh left his elderly mum who had dementia that vulnerable just because he couldn't cope with some of the symptoms.

Likewise, and I've done care shifts for people with severe dementia. If I were him I'd use this as a chance to stay with her and make sure now that she is prepared for the possibility of moving into somewhere more suitable for her fairly soon. I get it's difficult. We all have to do difficult stuff. But it seems like he wants this all his own way. Why won't he live with people, either his wife or his mother?

I honestly think this has to between him and his DMum. But is there someone else that can stay if he won't? Can he arrange a carer for instance? When this happened with my Mum a couple of years ago I arranged for someone to stay with her overnight from 9pm to 7:30am. This helped to alleviate her fears - but was quite expensive.

She goes into respite care as is unsafe on her own - tell him to get this underway.
Then if the DSF is kept in, DM has a fall or any other disaster it's under the control of experts.

When DM needed more than day time visits, we had a good experience with

https://www.country-cousins.co.uk

Might he arrange this, or do you expect he would leave it to you. They do need someone as a contact for any questions which arise.

I agree with those who have said that your husband staying (or not) with his mother for a fortnight isn't really the issue. Both mother and step father are increasingly frail, when he returns from hospital he still won't be very mobile, and he may be away for considerably longer than a fortnight too. The situation is not sustainable.

It's time to sort out care for her, in this instance probably respite in a care home. If they have money and are willing/able to pay for care, your husband can organise it on their behalf (which will make it considerably easier). If not they will be dependent on what Social Services can offer.

I also have sympathy with your husband's refusal to stay with her. My mother has dementia (now severe, she is in a care home) but in the earlier days I would never have not have looked after her - I did however organise care for her.

*would never have (not would never have not!)