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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby at Funeral

77 replies

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 00:50

I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago.

In the back row was a mourner (not family) with a baby.

The baby cried nearly the whole way through and the family in the front kept looking around as if to say "please stop"!

It was only right at the end during the committal that they took the baby outside but we could still hear the baby crying in the hallway.

Surely the parents should have taken the baby out the minute he/she started crying?

It was obviously very off putting for everyone.

I told my DP that I don't want young children at my funeral when it's my turn to go!

AIBU to think it was very disrespectful?

OP posts:

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 14/01/2022 00:51

Quiet babies and children, no problem. If they're noisy, take them out. Simple.

user313213521 · 14/01/2022 00:52

YANBU

Surely the protocol with these things is to sit at the back and, if the baby is noisy, dive outside through the back doors?

Hairyfriend · 14/01/2022 00:58

At great aunt funeral, an elderly mans phone keep ringing. It went on and on. He never got up or attempted to leave. After the service, we realised that NO ONE knew who he was at all! As with a crying baby, he should have gone outside to sort it out. Very disrespectful to the family.

elliejjtiny · 14/01/2022 00:59

Yanbu. I took my baby to my dad's funeral. There were 4 other babies there and my older 3 who were aged 7 and under. I don't think any of the little ones were really loud or anything although my 5 year old was dancing to some of the songs. I would have taken a crying baby out, same as any other church service.

Original poster

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 02:28

I got the feeling that sat at the back so that they could take the baby out if necessary (as there were seats closer).

However they should have taken him/her out IMMEDIATELY.

OP posts:

neatlittlerows · 14/01/2022 03:35

I took my 12 week old to my aunt’s funeral on Tuesday but had to quickly and discreetly shove her on a boob as soon as we entered the chapel to make sure she stayed quiet, which she did. Phew. I was towards the back in case I’d needed to dart out.

Shame the other mourners didn’t take similar precautions with their phones, which kept going off so loudly that the minister had to raise his voice even despite the microphone.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2022 03:50

Should have been taken out.
At my mother's funeral, one sibling's children would NOT behave, nor be quiet, and were actively disruptive and distressing to my father.
Said sibling didn't take them out for ages, until enough angry glances had passed between the rest of us - then sibling's partner took them out.

It's highly disrespectful to other mourners, especially if they're not even family.

mycatistrans · 14/01/2022 05:52

Disgraceful. The child should have been taken out immediately.

KiloWhat · 14/01/2022 06:10

You leave the moment they start fussing

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 14/01/2022 07:23

Yes that's awful of that parent

Funerals are hard enough to get through when you are grieving without a crying baby preventing anyone hearing the service or having peace to mourn their loved one. It's jarring. At my friends funeral one of the funeral people went to speak to widower and then to shouty-toddler's mum at the back asking them to take child outside at family's request. Don't even know who they were but turned out later was a neighbour.

You don't usually take young children or babies to funerals precisely because they don't understand, can be noisy and can disrupt grieving peoples time to say goodbyes

It's the one time (literally 45 minutes!) that it isn't about babies/children and children should not come first

drpet49 · 14/01/2022 07:38

* Disgraceful. The child should have been taken out immediately.*

^This. If I was at that funeral I would have asked them to leave

Darbs76 · 14/01/2022 07:40

Of course they should have left, clearly it wasn’t an immediate family member. Same as phones, turn them off or silent when at a funeral. It’s basic respect

CarrieMoonbeams · 14/01/2022 07:40

I usually love to see babies and young children at funerals - it gives me something else to focus on even just for a second. Something (generally!) cute and innocent gives a bit of light relief at an emotional time. A bit of "the circle of life"-type of thing too.

However ... prolonged crying, shouting, general disruption etc, well of course they should be taken outside.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 14/01/2022 07:49

When my Great Grandmother died, I didn’t take my DDs who were 3 and 6 months at the time, because I couldn’t guarantee they’d be quiet and I was speaking, so wouldn’t have been able to leave to sort them out.

They did, however, attend the wake, at the request of wider family members as they wanted to meet my children, and wanted a lighter feeling at the wake.

Riverlee · 14/01/2022 08:09

Very rude. In any service or event, whether funeral, wedding, cinema etc, if the baby (or child) becomes noisy and disruptive, they should be removed from the situation.

thesugarbumfairy · 14/01/2022 08:28

Totally disrespectful
I took my 6 month old to my dads funeral 12 years ago. He was (and is) a happy little chappy and it was no issue. He also gave everyone, including me, a bit of light relief. I didn't take my nearly 3 year old because he would have been really disruptive and it wasn't fair on him or anyone else.

Pamlar · 14/01/2022 08:31

It's staggeringly self absorbed that the mother would think think her remaining in the service was more important than the disruption the noise was causing.
My husband and I always took it in turns to run outside if ours made a noise during our family weddings etc.
I would find hugely selfish in your position

mylittleyumyum · 14/01/2022 12:55

Pretty disrespectful.

Although my 2 year old shouted rather loudly "Oooh, what's in the box?" at my dad's funeral.

handshigh · 14/01/2022 13:00

I think it depends who it is - if the parent was a close family member and had no childcare and really wanted to pay their respects, I could see how they might have decided to stay - but obviously this would have to be with the agreement of the immediate family, etc. It doesn't sound like this was the case here, with the family looking around etc, so yes they absolutely should have been taken out. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Pootles34 · 14/01/2022 13:05

Its really bad judgement call on their part. We took my DS to my Grandmother's funeral, he was 1 week old at the time. My DH sat with him at the end of the aisle, and whipped him outside as soon as he started crying. I wouldn't take a child to a funeral without a supportive friend/partner that could take them outside.

AmyDudley · 14/01/2022 13:05

Very disrespectful It happened at my Father's funeral - someone who had said she was not bringing the baby suddenly decided at the last minute that she was. baby started shrieking almost immediately and it was impossible to hear what the person conducting the funeral was saying. My sister went over to the woman with the baby and said 'take that baby out now'. It was all quite horrible really, upsetting for my Mum and totally avoidable.

I think as a general rule always ask the family of the deceased if they mind (we had already said we did not want baby at the service), and if babies are welcome, you still take them out immediately if they start crying. Ditto weddings but funerals even more so.

Mousetruffle · 14/01/2022 13:07

I understand your annoyance at the situation and yes a crying baby is annoying. Yes it should have been taken outside when it was crying.

But I am annoyed by your blanket no children at funerals comment. What will happen if something were to happen to you or your DP while your children are young? Would you still expect there to be no children at a funeral? I recently lost a family member in their 30s and all the children in the family attended. All primary aged. FWIW I wouldn't have been able to attend the funeral if no children were allowed as all of my family aka regular childcare were also in attendance. Children should be taught that death is natural and funerals are not something to be feared.

5128gap · 14/01/2022 13:09

They should have taken the baby out. But why on earth would you care about whether there are babies at your own funeral? Surely it's up to the people who will be there to decide on that?

katnyps · 14/01/2022 13:11

On the flip side, I asked my partner to take our baby out of a funeral recently when they started crying but the lady at the entrance told them to come back in as the priest would want babies present regardless of crying! It was a Catholic church if that makes any difference

5128gap · 14/01/2022 13:11

@mylittleyumyum

Pretty disrespectful.

Although my 2 year old shouted rather loudly "Oooh, what's in the box?" at my dad's funeral.

Sorry, but that made me laugh. I hope it was a lighter moment in a sad day for you.

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