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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby at Funeral

77 replies

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 00:50

I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago.

In the back row was a mourner (not family) with a baby.

The baby cried nearly the whole way through and the family in the front kept looking around as if to say "please stop"!

It was only right at the end during the committal that they took the baby outside but we could still hear the baby crying in the hallway.

Surely the parents should have taken the baby out the minute he/she started crying?

It was obviously very off putting for everyone.

I told my DP that I don't want young children at my funeral when it's my turn to go!

AIBU to think it was very disrespectful?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 14/01/2022 13:13

YANBU at all.
Some people lack any sort of social awareness or consideration for others.

pointythings · 14/01/2022 13:21

That's awful behaviour. My DD2's first social event was a funeral - she was 4 days old and slept through the whole thing. I was at the back and would have been out at the first squeak.

As it was though the person's nearest relative said he felt it was a comfort to have her there - it felt like one life leaving, a new life coming in. So it can work, if people are considerate.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 14/01/2022 13:22

They definitely should have taken baby outside as soon as they started crying, that's just basic manners in any situation like that. My own daughter, a year old, was at my mother's funeral, at my father's insistence; I was so worried she'd cry, and my husband was on hand to take her out if needed, but she slept in her pram all the way through.

HoppingPavlova · 14/01/2022 13:26

I went to a funeral once where a baby was present and it was perfectly behaved. Then at one point it let out the loudest fart I have ever heard in my life. I’m guessing there was a nappy load with it. You couldn’t believe the noise from such a small thing. After a few seconds everyone cracked up laughing, everyone including immediate family of the deceased. There’s no shame in some joy in an occasion like this.

I definitely want a loud farting baby at my funeral. Maybe I can suggest in my will that a troupe of them is hired for the occasionGrin.

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 13:29

They should have left as soon as the baby started crying and only returned if they managed to settle them down.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/01/2022 13:44

Yes they should have gone out quickly if not immediately

Bagadverts · 14/01/2022 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlashBeef · 14/01/2022 13:49

On behalf of the family, someone should have quietly suggested they go outside. That's completely unacceptable.

Bagadverts · 14/01/2022 13:56

Have reported my post was on wrong thread sorry.

Socialcarenope · 14/01/2022 16:10

I took 3 week DD to a funeral and she didn't make a peep but if she had I've have taken her out. She was then about 3 months when I took her to DHs granddad's funeral and she started babbling (not crying) I tried to take her out but MIL (granddad's only child) stopped me, she wanted her there.

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 16:13

@BitcherOfBlakiven

When my Great Grandmother died, I didn’t take my DDs who were 3 and 6 months at the time, because I couldn’t guarantee they’d be quiet and I was speaking, so wouldn’t have been able to leave to sort them out.

They did, however, attend the wake, at the request of wider family members as they wanted to meet my children, and wanted a lighter feeling at the wake.

See, in my (old-fashioned) view, that's the right way to do it.

There is no need for very young children to attend funerals.

And to be fair, once they've started getting restless they've already disturbed people

BarkminsterBlue · 14/01/2022 16:22

The parent should have taken the child out but as they didn’t someone should have intervened and asked them. Not the immediate family of the deceased, of course, but I’m sure there were others there who could have. Sometimes someone has to be That Person, even if it means they get an indignant AIBU written about them.

WaltzingTilda · 14/01/2022 16:35

I know I am in the minority here but it wouldn't have bothered me. If it was cold outside I wouldn't blame the parent/s for holding off taking the baby outside. I personally wouldn't take a baby to a funeral as I will feel judged if they start crying just like that parent is being judged now. But that means I will not be attending the funeral as I have no childcare. I am sure that those grieving the most wouldn't have even noticed a child crying.Grief engulfs you, you don't notice a child crying. It's not about creating the perfect funeral or entertaining the guests, it's about saying goodbye to the deceased and showing compassion all around.

BarkminsterBlue · 14/01/2022 16:37

@WaltzingTilda

I know I am in the minority here but it wouldn't have bothered me. If it was cold outside I wouldn't blame the parent/s for holding off taking the baby outside. I personally wouldn't take a baby to a funeral as I will feel judged if they start crying just like that parent is being judged now. But that means I will not be attending the funeral as I have no childcare. I am sure that those grieving the most wouldn't have even noticed a child crying.Grief engulfs you, you don't notice a child crying. It's not about creating the perfect funeral or entertaining the guests, it's about saying goodbye to the deceased and showing compassion all around.
OP said that the closest family were turning around and were clearly bothered by the crying.
aSofaNearYou · 14/01/2022 16:41

Of course they should have done, I really can't imagine doing that as a non immediate family member, so inconsiderate!

ShadowPuppets · 14/01/2022 16:42

I took our 7 month old DD to her great granny's funeral (husband's grandmother). I was very close to her but, obviously, all my in-laws were attending the funeral and it was the other end of the country to my own parents/where we live, so there was no-one we could leave her with.

She was good as gold and didn't make a squeak but I was very aware of the fact I would need to leave immediately if she did. We were at the front due to being the grandchildren of the deceased but I did sit on the end of a row so I could escape if necessary.

For us, it was important that I was there and bittersweet that DD was (she never met her great granny thanks to Covid), but the whole family agreed it was appropriate.

She is now 18 months and I wouldn't dream of taking her to a funeral because she would probably try and climb onto the coffin or start shouting about ducks going quack. So I think it's a judgment call, but a blanket 'children should never be at funerals' isn't quite right.

Lou98 · 14/01/2022 16:43

YANBU. Not taking the baby out is disrespectful.

However, I don't think taking a baby to a funeral in general is disrespectful.
Not everyone has childcare options or are breastfeeding young babies and can't leave them and some people still like to go to pay their respects/say goodbye to a loved one. Even more so if it's a family member.

But as you have said, as soon as the baby starts getting upset/crying, if they can't be immediately settled they should be taken out until they calm down, and that's where this person went wrong today

Didioverstep · 14/01/2022 16:46

I think it depends on the family and who the person with the kids are. When my grandad dies I had to go alone with three children as dh couldn't get the time off. Unfortunately even though I set off early we were stuck in traffic. Also got lost trying to find somewhere to park. We where late! I was distraught as I was so close to my grandfather. I turned up and had to walk the walk of shame in to a full church. I planned to slip inthe back. But no, the only seats available where the front row....

They weren't too bad. I had to shush them a bit and they did ablittle dance to a few songs. And I really didn't know what to do. My family didn't think to come and help and I was just so upset.

I applogised to every single guest at the end when they came over to us and not one person was upset and said they thought it was lovely to see the children and it lifted the mood. Granted they weren't crying and were reasonably behaved. They where 1, 3, and 4.5 years old. But I was the only grand child of my grandfather so maybe that's why people here Ok with it. I cried so much, I felt so disrespectful.

WaltzingTilda · 14/01/2022 16:47

If someone is truly grieving they won't be easily distracted by the sound of children crying. Yes, in laws and otger family etc might have been in the front, but i doubt those closest to the deceased would have noticed. Also I told my DP that I don't want young children at my funeral when it's my turn to go! It's clear that the issue is clearly the OPs. What a strange thing to say Hmm. Why would you bother if a child is crying at your funeral, you'd be dead mate, you wouldn't care.

BarkminsterBlue · 14/01/2022 16:50

Hope you got that, OP. Apparently the family of the deceased weren't really grieving properly otherwise they wouldn't have noticed the screaming child.

Hmm
Kite22 · 14/01/2022 17:01

That's quite an odd thing to say WaltzingTilda. OP has already said the close family were bothered, and turning round. Are you trying to imply that means they weren't "truly grieving" then ? Hmm

Brainwave89 · 14/01/2022 17:02

It is nice to have a baby at a funeral. I have taken mine (my mums), and relatives were pleased to see them- it shows that life continues and provides some relief from how somber it can feel. However if they make a noise you go out. Quieten them and return. Anything else is very bad manners.

Ozanj · 14/01/2022 17:04

The people who were distracted and looking around during the funeral were probably not close. The closest to the deceased probably didn’t even notice.

Bluebluemoon39 · 14/01/2022 17:06

It depends. Close family member - it wouldn't have bothered me.

Someone not close - they should've left sooner.

There were a couple of family babies babbling and moaning a bit when dh and I said our vows at our wedding - it didn't bother me at all, it made us laugh.
If it was MY funeral I'd probably be quite amused looking on from afar - I don't believe funerals have to be somber affairs.

WaltzingTilda · 14/01/2022 17:06

Well, not what I am implying at all. I am implying the issue is more than likely the OPs than anyone else's. The funeral took place a couple of weeks ago and here OP is on a public forum brooding over it and making it about herself how she's told her dh that she doesn't want any children at her funeral so she can have her perfect funeral and having everyone join in dissing the parent about something that happend weeks ago