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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby at Funeral

77 replies

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 00:50

I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago.

In the back row was a mourner (not family) with a baby.

The baby cried nearly the whole way through and the family in the front kept looking around as if to say "please stop"!

It was only right at the end during the committal that they took the baby outside but we could still hear the baby crying in the hallway.

Surely the parents should have taken the baby out the minute he/she started crying?

It was obviously very off putting for everyone.

I told my DP that I don't want young children at my funeral when it's my turn to go!

AIBU to think it was very disrespectful?

OP posts:

Fraternaltwin · 14/01/2022 17:16

@KiloWhat

You leave the moment they start fussing

Absolutely.

gogohm · 14/01/2022 17:33

Of course the parents should have taken the baby out unless the close family (who organised the funeral) explicitly said stay in. I work for a church and quite often end up with babies in my office so their parent can go back in.

It's fine to have kids at funerals just perhaps bring a friend with you if you are close family so the friend can take the child out if needed

Moonface123 · 14/01/2022 17:36

l can' t imagine taking a baby to a funeral, l am sure hearing a baby cry is the last thing the grieving family would want.
l wanted to hang on to every single word at my husbands funeral, we had a non religious service, it was all about my husbands life right from when he was a baby onwards, alot of family members had contributed,.and so l actually would have been really upset if it had been ruined by a baby crying.

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2022 17:38

I’d be really upset that when I die my grandchildren (or great grandchildren!) couldn’t come to my funeral if they were babies in case they upset anyone. It completes the circle of life - family continuing. My great nephew came to my dads funeral at 3 months old. My dad adored him and would have wanted him there.

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2022 17:39

@Moonface123

l can' t imagine taking a baby to a funeral, l am sure hearing a baby cry is the last thing the grieving family would want. l wanted to hang on to every single word at my husbands funeral, we had a non religious service, it was all about my husbands life right from when he was a baby onwards, alot of family members had contributed,.and so l actually would have been really upset if it had been ruined by a baby crying.

What if that baby had been his grandchild? Surely that’s also part of his life;

gogohm · 14/01/2022 17:39

@Socialcarenope

See that's my opinion too, I attend many funerals, occupational hazard, and there's something just right about young babies and children at a funeral for an elderly person, they are the future and it's quite poignant. Obviously it's the wishes of the closest relatives that matter but we provide information for parents of toddlers and primary aged kids attending a funeral so they can prep them, we get site visits sometimes especially where it's the child's parent who has died and they ask the most direct questions eg will the worms eat daddy? Is mummy already in heaven or does she go there through the chimney (in the crem) and recently, can we come camping in the grave yard because daddy loves camping. Breaks my heart talking to them but they are more calm than us!

Arnia · 14/01/2022 17:42

Some people really have no clue about social graces. Often those with small children are the worst culprits as they're so caught up in their baby bubble. YANBU that person was incredibly rude and insensitive.

My sister and BIL let my niece throw a tantrum at a wedding once. It was mortifying. They thought it was adorable and wouldn't take her out until my mother (who wanted the floor to swallow us up) hissed at them to get her out. So selfish.

Chely · 14/01/2022 17:45

I've never taken young children to a funeral. I did take our eldest to my nannas funeral, she was 13 and we sent the younger ones to school.

Franklin12 · 14/01/2022 17:49

It’s a disgraceful self absorbed selfish attention seeking thing to do. I went to a funeral a few years ago where exactly this happened. No one knew what to do and the stupid women just shrugged as though it was just one of those things.

Someone whispered something to her and the silly bint started to have a conversation about it!

notanothertakeaway · 14/01/2022 17:50

@Brainwave89

It is nice to have a baby at a funeral. I have taken mine (my mums), and relatives were pleased to see them- it shows that life continues and provides some relief from how somber it can feel. However if they make a noise you go out. Quieten them and return. Anything else is very bad manners.

I think it's up to the close family to decide whether they want babies and young children to attend funerals. Some people feel like you, but others don't

Viviennemary · 14/01/2022 17:51

It was disrespectful and absolutely not on.

stopringingme · 14/01/2022 18:09

My Dad wanted my DD, who was 2 at the time, at my Mum's funeral, we were going to arrange childcare.
We spoke to the funeral director and they let us know there was a room at the crematorium that you can go in and are still able to hear the service.
My DH sat at the back with her and when she started to get fussy he took her to the room and also outside.

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2022 18:20

@Franklin12

Someone whispered something to her and the silly bint started to have a conversation about it!

‘Bint’? Really?

WetLookKnitwear · 14/01/2022 18:31

I wouldn’t find it that offensive but I wouldn’t let my baby cry at a funeral, I’d probably take them out or get someone else to if I couldn’t bear to miss it.

Pootle40 · 14/01/2022 18:33

A lot of people don't seem to know basic manners these days. She will have been completely oblivious I bet

Restart10 · 14/01/2022 18:49

So horrible for the parents to allow that. Someone should have kicked them out.

Original poster

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 20:47

@Mousetruffle

I understand your annoyance at the situation and yes a crying baby is annoying. Yes it should have been taken outside when it was crying.

But I am annoyed by your blanket no children at funerals comment. What will happen if something were to happen to you or your DP while your children are young? Would you still expect there to be no children at a funeral? I recently lost a family member in their 30s and all the children in the family attended. All primary aged. FWIW I wouldn't have been able to attend the funeral if no children were allowed as all of my family aka regular childcare were also in attendance. Children should be taught that death is natural and funerals are not something to be feared.

I am able to say I don't want children at my funeral as I don't have young children. I want my family to be able to grieve and pay their respects without a mourner along a baby who may cry!

OP posts:

Socialcarenope · 14/01/2022 22:36

@Moonface123

l can' t imagine taking a baby to a funeral, l am sure hearing a baby cry is the last thing the grieving family would want. l wanted to hang on to every single word at my husbands funeral, we had a non religious service, it was all about my husbands life right from when he was a baby onwards, alot of family members had contributed,.and so l actually would have been really upset if it had been ruined by a baby crying.

I think it depends on the family. My most recent funerals happened when DC2 was very small. DC1 was at nursery but DC2 had to come, or I stayed at home with DC2. In both cases, the immediate family of the deceased wanted me with baby rather than me not come at all. I had noone I could leave her with plus she wouldn't take a bottle.

Socialcarenope · 14/01/2022 22:38

I am able to say I don't want children at my funeral as I don't have young children. I want my family to be able to grieve and pay their respects without a mourner along a baby who may cry!*

Do you have children at all? It's possible that your children, or grandchildren may be unable to attend your funeral because you happen to die when they have a newborn.

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2022 22:38

@katnyps

On the flip side, I asked my partner to take our baby out of a funeral recently when they started crying but the lady at the entrance told them to come back in as the priest would want babies present regardless of crying! It was a Catholic church if that makes any difference

I think this is how it should be.

Babdoc · 14/01/2022 22:52

I didn’t take my 11 month old baby or my 2 year old toddler to DH’s funeral. I couldn’t have coped if either of them had cried, and was barely coping myself.
Fortunately, my health visitor and the district midwife both volunteered to babysit in my house, bless them. Both DC were way too young to understand what was happening, and it would have been beyond impossible to explain to a 2 year old why we were burying her daddy in the churchyard.
That was 30 years ago, but I still have an audio tape of the funeral service. I would not have appreciated the minister being drowned out by crying babies.

FreshwaterCurls · 15/01/2022 00:28

We took our 8 wk old to a funeral (father's grandmother /her great-gran) sat at the back, so we could leave if she made a peep. She slept the whole time, but had she have cried, I would have taken her outside immediately, well away from the service. YAnBU.

NewYearEveryYear · 15/01/2022 00:39

My grandmother died when DD was 2 weeks old. DGM's funeral was when DD was 3 weeks old.

I took DD.

The moment DD started fussing, DH took her outside, far away from the room, and I met him and DD after the service was over.

Like pp's, if a child fusses, in a wedding, a funeral, of any other major life event, you take that child out of earshot.

fargo123 · 15/01/2022 04:34

@Hairyfriend

At great aunt funeral, an elderly mans phone keep ringing. It went on and on. He never got up or attempted to leave. After the service, we realised that NO ONE knew who he was at all! As with a crying baby, he should have gone outside to sort it out. Very disrespectful to the family.

I had this exact same situation many years ago. And the arsehole let his phone ring for ages not once but twice. I still have no idea who he was (luckily for him). Utterly disgusting.

Volterra · 15/01/2022 04:46

That would really piss me off. It will be my Dad’s funeral soon and it will be hard enough to get through without that. I took DD to my Aunt’s funeral and spent most of it outside with her which was a shame but no other option. Took her out the moment she started.

‘What’s in the box’ would really make me smile’ 😀

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