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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to grandparents?

69 replies

Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 22:55

Mil was good when son was born, overbearing but suppose that can be common. As son grew bigger she did resent the fact I wouldn't let him stay overnight at a few months old. Being honest didn't fully trust her as a bit dozy and also just wanted her to have him more in the day a lot so they got used to each other. Son is 2.5 now and in that time MIL had looked after him 3 times which was me asking, so they could have time together as shes retired. 2 occasions she brought him home early with odd excuse. Anyway when son turned about 2, he started being funny with MIL and when she visited wouldn't go near her. There was just no bond there really and MIL wasn't interested in getting to know my son and just thought he would like what her other grandchildren liked. Anyway MIL backed off - didn't like rejection. Went 3 months without seeing him, barely any contact on phone asking how he is. Turned up to christening for one day and saw him and played doting nan etc. Didnt give a christening gift. Hasn't seen him for a further 4.5 months now. Forgot his birthday and didn't apologise just chucked money in bank which I returned. Anyway now MIL talking to DH again and FIl has said when are you bringing the baby here. Well I've decided I'm not having people dip in and out of my child's life which I said word for word to MIL over a year ago and she has done just that. AIBU not letting DH take son over to grandparents at this point or just be the bigger person? They won't come here to see him, he has to be taken to their home by DH

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/01/2022 23:00

I think you sound more overbearing than your MIL to be honest.

Just let them form a natural relationship. She shouldn't have to 'look after him' in order to do that.

And returning the money she sent him as a birthday gift was wrong imo. It sounds like she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2022 23:02

And 'letting' your husband take his son to see his parents, is not being the 'bigger person'.

If he wants to take him that's up to him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/01/2022 23:02

I don't think not giving a christening gift is that big a deal but I'm not religious so it's not that big a deal to me in the first place. Is MIL religious?

I think YABU to have returned the money back to her when she forgot your sons birthday. Yes she shouldn't have forgotten but that money was for your son and could be put away for him when he's older.

YWNBU to not let her have your son overnight, he's still so young and if you don't want him to then it doesn't matter the reasons.

What do you mean by dipping in and out? I get that with a parent but not quite sure with a grandparent. I saw one of mine most days but on the other side I only saw my grandparents around once a year. I wouldn't say they dipped in and out and I grew to have such a special bond with them.

BiggestJulie · 13/01/2022 23:05

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

cansu · 13/01/2022 23:05

You sound overly invested in this. Just let them have whatever relationship works on both sides. No they don't have to have him overnight or for long periods but I can't see why your dh can't visit with your son. I also think sending money back was rude and unnecessary.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2022 23:05

@WorraLiberty

I think you sound more overbearing than your MIL to be honest.

Just let them form a natural relationship. She shouldn't have to 'look after him' in order to do that.

And returning the money she sent him as a birthday gift was wrong imo. It sounds like she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

This
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/01/2022 23:05

They haven’t been abusive. Why do you think you should be able to control your husband and the relationship he and your son have with his parents?

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2022 23:07

I saw one of mine most days but on the other side I only saw my grandparents around once a year. I wouldn't say they dipped in and out and I grew to have such a special bond with them.

Yes this was the same for me. We saw them only when our parents took us to visit them. I don't ever really remember them visiting us but he had a lovely bond with them and looked forward to the visits.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2022 23:08

How often would you think is reasonable for your son to see them (not to be babysat but just to see them). I think not seeing them for 3 months raises a bigger question mark about your husbands relationship with them than your sons.

AnotherForumUser · 13/01/2022 23:10

YABU. Your MIL may have made some errors but you are worse. Rude and overbearing. You don't own anyone so stop thinking you get to dictate what others do. You need to grow up and stop being so petulant. You're the parent now so act like it.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/01/2022 23:10

Yabu.

And also, your husband is a person, you don't get to 'not let him' do something.

FruitMelange · 13/01/2022 23:12

Being honest didn't fully trust her as a bit dozy and also just wanted her to have him more in the day a lot so they got used to each other

If you didn't trust her why did you want her to have him in the day "a lot".? He could have got used to her with you there.

A bit mean to send the money back, it wasn't yours.
It's your husband's son too. He can take your son to see her without your permission. Yabu.

Kite22 · 13/01/2022 23:13

YABVVVVU

You do realise your dc is also your dh's dc ?

Lots of people see their DGPs now and then, rather than weekly or fortnightly.

Why did you send her gift back ? Confused

This doesn't make you 'the bigger person' at all. Of course your dh should accept their invitation to come round.

What an odd attitude you have.

Chickychoccyegg · 13/01/2022 23:14

Yabu , surely your dh has told you this already, he can take his dc to see his parents if he wants to, it's not up to you!

Original poster
Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 23:15

Just to clear up, yes DH can do whatever with son. I've worded that wrong. Think I've missed A LOT off this post as a lot has happened so can't get the full picture across. Thanks for input.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 13/01/2022 23:19

The post does sound a bit sulky. I think if you don't like them fair enough, but you shouldn't be trying to stop your DH and child seeing them.

ANameChangeAgain · 13/01/2022 23:20

Sorry op, my post crossed with your update.

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/01/2022 23:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 23:22

You don't get to decide whether or not your husband takes his son to visit his parents. He's your son's father.

How do you expect the GPs to be more part of your son's life if he doesn't get to see them?

You said that MIL is now talking to DH again. Why were they not talking? Was or anything to do with you?

onewednesdayindecember · 13/01/2022 23:25

I think you’re cutting your son’s nose off to spite your face

Lollypop701 · 13/01/2022 23:28

Kids can’t have enough people in their lives to love them. As parents we should try to facilitate that, even if we don’t love the people who love our kids. As long as the relationship is loving I’d be ok. Obviously as long as not abusive

Original poster
Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 23:29

Genuinely do appreciate feedback. It's easy for me to be one sided, I've felt hurt when son has been pushed out in favour of other grandchildren (because there are favourites). I want him to have nan and grandad in his life and would never openly stop that. I just wish they'd be more consistent in their approach and not be happy to see him for a few hours and then not ask for months.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 13/01/2022 23:31

I would just let DH take him and deal with the fact your child doesn’t know them and is likely to play up

He can then persevere with a relationship with them or not

Superhanz · 13/01/2022 23:32

Yabvu but I expect that's not answer you were hoping for.

Kite22 · 13/01/2022 23:34

I want him to have nan and grandad in his life and would never openly stop that.

Soo you have u-turned form your opening post ?
Good to see.
Doesn't happen that often in AIBU

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