Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to grandparents?

69 replies

Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 22:55

Mil was good when son was born, overbearing but suppose that can be common. As son grew bigger she did resent the fact I wouldn't let him stay overnight at a few months old. Being honest didn't fully trust her as a bit dozy and also just wanted her to have him more in the day a lot so they got used to each other. Son is 2.5 now and in that time MIL had looked after him 3 times which was me asking, so they could have time together as shes retired. 2 occasions she brought him home early with odd excuse. Anyway when son turned about 2, he started being funny with MIL and when she visited wouldn't go near her. There was just no bond there really and MIL wasn't interested in getting to know my son and just thought he would like what her other grandchildren liked. Anyway MIL backed off - didn't like rejection. Went 3 months without seeing him, barely any contact on phone asking how he is. Turned up to christening for one day and saw him and played doting nan etc. Didnt give a christening gift. Hasn't seen him for a further 4.5 months now. Forgot his birthday and didn't apologise just chucked money in bank which I returned. Anyway now MIL talking to DH again and FIl has said when are you bringing the baby here. Well I've decided I'm not having people dip in and out of my child's life which I said word for word to MIL over a year ago and she has done just that. AIBU not letting DH take son over to grandparents at this point or just be the bigger person? They won't come here to see him, he has to be taken to their home by DH

OP posts:
CreativeCharlie · 16/01/2022 04:58

Seems they have backed away from you which in turn means they don't see much of their GS or their DS.

Did you actually say this for real?...

Well I've decided I'm not having people dip in and out of my child's life which I said word for word to MIL over a year ago and she has done just that

I would advise all of you go visit them, take some nice flowers and a cake for tea. Play nice and hope you can salvage what's left of this relationship.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/01/2022 05:07

Keep it to the type of relationship where you visit or you invite them over as a family. Don’t expect them to have your child alone.

I do think it’s disgusting they forgot his birthday and very indicative of how little they consider him.

They can be the type of grandparents he sees a couple of times a year.

TidyDancer · 16/01/2022 05:15

I don't understand why you returned the money. What was the reasoning with that?

I think you need to appreciate there are different types of grandparent/grandchild relationships and despite what you want to happen there, you can't micromanage it.

CJsGoldfish · 16/01/2022 05:38

Returning their money was a horrible thing to do. I get the sense from your posts that you are super controlling to the point that you've probably alienated them. I mean WTF was this supposed to do?Confused
Well I've decided I'm not having people dip in and out of my child's life which I said word for word to MIL over a year ago and she has done just that

You need ask yourself (honestly) whether you are using your child to 'punish' them

SquirrelG · 16/01/2022 05:43

I agree - you are the one who is being U in this instance, and you sound very controlling.

Billybagpuss · 16/01/2022 05:50

Is your son more challenging or energetic than the other grandchildren maybe mil couldn’t keep up with him and couldn’t cope alone so that’s why she brought him back early and had less to do with him.

Aloha7373 · 16/01/2022 06:00

I can’t believe you returned his birthday money, that’s so, so upsetting. Just because it was late? Wow

AlternativePerspective · 16/01/2022 06:09

I imagine the reason why she doesn’t come around is because of you not because she’s not interested in him.

This idea that she’s dibbing in and out of his life just because she sees him infrequently is ridiculous. I grew up abroad and didn’t see my grandparents for the first 5 years of my life. Didn’t stop me having a relationship with them though.

And as for returning his birthday money, there really are no words….

Flickflak · 16/01/2022 06:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

WhatIsThisPlease · 16/01/2022 06:13

Your DC should have as many people in his life who love him as possible. You shouldn't decide they don't love him enough and then ban them.

And retuning the money was shockingly rude. I can't even believe you admitted to that.

YABVVVU

redfairy · 16/01/2022 08:44

How much of a problem is FIL in this situation as your OP seems very focused on your MIL?

AndAnotherNewOne · 16/01/2022 08:46

Sorry, OP, but I feel so sorry for MiL. You are sounding like a nightmare.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 16/01/2022 08:50

"I've decided" Have you now?

Immaculate conception was it?

I don't get on with my in-laws, and they are far far worse than yours but never for a moment would I stop my DH taking our Son to see them.

Not that they are remotely interested in DS who has severe SLD, yet other GC's are considered little prince and princesses.

YABVVU

GrandDuchessRomanov · 16/01/2022 08:54

I also meant to say it was very wrong of you to return your DC's Birthday money, it was his not yours as PPs have said.

My IL's just send money for DS, very often late but I always send them a Thank you letter. That is what makes you the bigger person.

Darbs76 · 16/01/2022 08:56

Yes you are being unreasonable, and petty. Very.

Mix56 · 16/01/2022 08:56

I should think we (db & I, ) saw my grandparents 3 times a year. Including a longer stay at Christmas... There was a long drive.
So is this dipping in & out?

moresugarpls · 16/01/2022 09:02

Sending the money back to them was shockingly rude. So is telling them that you won’t have anyone “dipping in and out of DCs life”. It comes across as very controlling. They probably dont want to visit because they don’t feel welcome

Aderyn21 · 16/01/2022 09:07

I think it's your husbands job to build the relationship - if he can be bothered to make the effort then let him. I would only interfere if there was pressure on my child to stay over and they didn't want to/wouldn't be properly looked after.
Too many GPS alienate new mums by pushing to look after the baby without the mum being present and this does untold damage to the trust and the relationship. I also don't think it's wrong to want consistency and not to have people who are all over him one minute and who disappear the next. But I wouldn't make a big thing of dh visiting with DS, it'll probably fizzle out anyway if they don't make much effort.
I do think returning the money was rude unless there's a bigger back story that you haven't shared.

ButtockUp · 16/01/2022 09:57

Returning the money was shockingly rude. That is probably why your in-laws now seem reluctant to have much to do with you now. They probably don't know where they stand.

Have you discussed this at length with your husband?
I would consider having a family get together and have a frank and honest discussion if you are to move forward, for the sake of your child.

Sounds like your in laws were a bit wary of you from the start and don't know quite where they stand.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread