Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to grandparents?

69 replies

Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 22:55

Mil was good when son was born, overbearing but suppose that can be common. As son grew bigger she did resent the fact I wouldn't let him stay overnight at a few months old. Being honest didn't fully trust her as a bit dozy and also just wanted her to have him more in the day a lot so they got used to each other. Son is 2.5 now and in that time MIL had looked after him 3 times which was me asking, so they could have time together as shes retired. 2 occasions she brought him home early with odd excuse. Anyway when son turned about 2, he started being funny with MIL and when she visited wouldn't go near her. There was just no bond there really and MIL wasn't interested in getting to know my son and just thought he would like what her other grandchildren liked. Anyway MIL backed off - didn't like rejection. Went 3 months without seeing him, barely any contact on phone asking how he is. Turned up to christening for one day and saw him and played doting nan etc. Didnt give a christening gift. Hasn't seen him for a further 4.5 months now. Forgot his birthday and didn't apologise just chucked money in bank which I returned. Anyway now MIL talking to DH again and FIl has said when are you bringing the baby here. Well I've decided I'm not having people dip in and out of my child's life which I said word for word to MIL over a year ago and she has done just that. AIBU not letting DH take son over to grandparents at this point or just be the bigger person? They won't come here to see him, he has to be taken to their home by DH

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/01/2022 23:34

You sound chippy and your MIL challenging. Don’t let your child loose out because of this, a nice relationship with GPS is in your child’s interest, even if not super close. If you and MIL can’t get along, then yes DP shd facilitate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2022 23:37

What’s DH’s relationship with them like? Where’s he been in things so far? Did he find her overbearing? Was he upset they forgot his birthday? Why weren’t they talking for 3 months?

As you say, it’s probably more complicated than the things you’ve described. I wonder if you know he’s not close with them, he’s not been that keen to nurture a relationship between DS and them and you’re worried it’ll be confusing for your DS if they pop up and down with varying levels of enthusiasm based on how they’re feeling about DH?

Original poster

Aliciapp · 13/01/2022 23:37

Was genuinely looking to see if I'm being a cow and it seems maybe I am! Just being over protective and acting out of anger and frustration, which isn't something I'm always proud of .

OP posts:

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/01/2022 23:37

My pil never ask to see dc, we have to offer every time. It’s bizarre but I think they’re trying to not be overbearing. I think your attitude based on what you’ve written is over sensitive. Just encourage a relationship between your ds and the gps or let dh lead this. My dh organises at family meet up with his parents. Often I’ll be working and dh take time off to host (much to pil’s disgust at my failings as a wife). I think you need to chill.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2022 23:37

So you're jealous of their relationship with their other grandchildren?

Why do they have to ask to see him? Why doesn't your DH take him round more often?

You shouldn't be looking to your MIL to 'have him more'. They're grandparents, not registered childminders.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 23:48

I just wish they'd be more consistent in their approach and not be happy to see him for a few hours and then not ask for months.

Why do they have to ask? Why don't you/your DH invite them, or offer to pop round?

This reminds me of a relative who complains when because we haven't called her for a while. But she never calls us.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 23:49

Also you've only talked of them seeing your son without you or DH. Don't you visit as a family?

wishingitwasspring · 13/01/2022 23:50

You sound like a DIL from hell quite frankly.. sounds like they backed off for 'getting it wrong' and now can't do right for doing wrong

Bananarama21 · 13/01/2022 23:54

She can't win though you says she's over bearing offered to have him you said no then she did have him and she doesn't bother enough. Maybe she find him harder work. Maybe the other grandchildren are easier and the relationship has been built up over a longer time I'm.assuming it's her dd children by any chance?

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 13/01/2022 23:55

YABU.

You don't get to say if he has a relationship with your husband's family unless they are a risk to him, which they're not.

Why did you return the money, that's incredibly rude.

You sound like nothing they do can be right.

Relax, let them have a relationship. Seeing grandparents every few months can be pretty standard.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/01/2022 23:58

@WorraLiberty

I think you sound more overbearing than your MIL to be honest.

Just let them form a natural relationship. She shouldn't have to 'look after him' in order to do that.

And returning the money she sent him as a birthday gift was wrong imo. It sounds like she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

This.^ And "dipping in and out" may be their relationship. I saw my mother's parents 6 days out of 7 and saw my father's parents three times per year and loved them both.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 23:59

Returning their money was a really shitty thing to do.

You still haven't said why MIL and your DH aren't speaking. Was it because of that?

I don't know. The whole thing sounds odd. I have a DGD if that age. I got to build a bond with her because my DD and SIL visited me WITH her, and I visited them. I didn't have her on my own (for occasional childcare) until that bond was built. And still about 90% of my contact with her is with one or both of her parents. And sometimes I initiate the visits and sometimes they do.
It seems as though you wait for them to call and say they'll have your DS for you.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 14/01/2022 00:12

How much could they actually have done over the last 2.5 years considering we're nearly 2 years into a pandemic where there have been extreme restrictions in where and how many people we could see?

You also literally said in you first post that you might prevent him from taking his son to see his parents. What role does his father take in all this or is his mum solely to blame for your perception of their inadequate grandparenting?

I never had the chance to be close to 3 of my 4 grandparents and by age 10 the 4 had moved in with us so I have a very different relationship to most. But my surviving grandparent was always invited to everything (my mum was also a single parent so and extra pair of hands was helpful), a walk, the fair, school shows etc. How much do you actually encourage the relationship outside of offering childcare that benefits you? Try and include them more. She forgot the date of his birthday but at least she tried to do make up for it (unprompted by the sounds of it), you were petty to return the money. It just sounds like you have an issue with her because she's not doing what you want.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 00:18

Do you invite them on days out? Suggest that you go on little outings? We often go to little farm parks etc as a little three generation family group, for instance.

The relationship with GPs is every bit as much the parents responsibility to build as the GPs.

Bakewelltart987 · 14/01/2022 00:22

My dd sees her grandparents once every 2 months for a couple of hours (they live miles away) my dd6 absolutely loves them and enjoys their visits. They have other grandchildren who they see almost everyday as they live near them but my dd doesn't feel pushed out or jealous.

Yaya26 · 14/01/2022 00:24

Mmmm .. what does your DH say about this. Why are you calling all the shot? Infortunately my parents are dead. I'm not very close to DHs mum but I wouldn't dream of stirring the pot or trying to control DHs and DCs relationship with her.

seekinglondonlife · 14/01/2022 00:28

YWBVU to return the money, that is shockingly rude. It was for your son, not you.

Allthelols · 14/01/2022 00:30

Try to relax and let them be a natural part of his life even if it isn’t what you envisaged. We have been in a pandemic which won’t have helped and I suspect they are feeling scrutinised by you hence wanting your DH to take him there.
Not all Gparents are heavily involved and that can work just fine. Don’t force a bond based on what you think it should be.

And sending the money back was so rude. Just bank it in his name and say thank you.

Rubyyyy · 14/01/2022 00:54

Returning the money was a tad rude.
I wouldn’t use them for childcare until they have established a bond between them, definitely take DC over there more often if that’s what you want. My Mil said she’s not looking after any of our children until they can walk and talk and can “do” things with them, it’s just how some people are.

Namenic · 14/01/2022 01:04

Just let DH take your DS over. You and your DH are the consistent people in his life. He will have lots of other people that he may see more or less often - nursery workers, teachers, friends, relatives… sounds pretty normAl

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/01/2022 01:35

Blimey, I have read this post very differently to most PP!

I'd also feel as if my DC was being rejected by their grandparents based on what you've said here. She doesn't seem to have made any effort at all to even ask about her grandchild, but wants to turn up in public to have all the attention on her as "nan".

I'm trying to be balanced so I guess my questions would be: what's her relationship like with the other grandchildren? How much interest does she pay to them? Does she also forget their birthdays? Was she interested and involved in them as babies? What's her relationship with your DH like - do they have regular contact without the baby?

If she's the same with everyone, you'll just have to accept that it's not personal and that she's just not a particularly interested grandparent. It's then up to you to decide what's a healthy level of interaction between you, your DC and her.

If she's only been like it with you and your DC, that's an entirely different matter and I'd be extremely cross.

FWIW, I may view this differently as we have issues with one set of grandparents. They are interested and involved with their other DGC but totally forget ours. We're still waiting for them to be bothered to transfer money for "Christmas" which they rang on New Year's Eve to say they'd do. They said they were busy getting ready for a holiday but magically still managed to have time to get gifts for the other DGC.....just not ours. And ours are younger. I am struggling not to contact them and tell them not to bother now so I understand why your instinct was to return the money.

For me, it's the disparity and the lack of interest that's so hurtful. It's not about being over every week, or being in contact all the time but in your circumstances with a young baby and now a toddler, I'd expect a grandparent to be excited and want to build up a bond. Of course they don't have to do that - but then there are consequences. And one of those might be that you don't choose to be at their beck and call when they decide they can be bothered.

It's awful when you feel rejected - try not to take it to heart.

Shamoo · 14/01/2022 01:43

Returning the birthday money is one of the most brilliantly passive aggressive things I have seen on mumsnet 😂

needmoreshinys · 14/01/2022 02:16

I think if you were to get this deleted and rewrite it as to the reasons why you DP stopped talking to his mum and any details of favouritism you percieve between the grandchildren, you might get a different response, you might not however, depending on the examples.

Kite22 · 14/01/2022 13:02

@Aliciapp can you explain to us your thought process in rejecting the money his Grandparent sent for his birthday? I just don't understand that at all.

Blossomtoes · 14/01/2022 13:06

@seekinglondonlife

YWBVU to return the money, that is shockingly rude. It was for your son, not you.

This. I can’t believe people do this.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread