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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think wash my clothes too!

82 replies

gettingabitfedup · 12/01/2022 10:49

Just that really. I’m a full time working mum and my partner is the SAHP. When he puts a wash on, he only ever puts in his and our DS’ clothes so that I have to then do a wash later after finding out there’s nothing clean for me myself. I’ve asked him multiple times if he can please put my clothes in too but he never does - frustrating because this morning I needed certain clothes that I’d put at the top of the washing basket but they were still there this morning despite DP doing the washing yesterday. When I put a wash on, I make sure to do everybody’s clothes. I’m probably BU and I don’t mean to sound lazy but it’s frustrating me!!

OP posts:
Pontypandytaxpayer · 12/01/2022 11:25

@KiloWhat

I work full time and do all the washing. It's not that hard. then why is OP moaning. She can just do her own washing.
Because it's a bit passive aggressive to leave her washing there when he's putting a load on?
ShowMeTheSugar · 12/01/2022 11:25

KiloWhat the OP doesn't say grudgingly at all. You're delivery misinterpreting and ignoring parts of the OP.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/01/2022 11:25

As pp said, he clearly has a problem with it. What is the rest of your division of household tasks like?

I think you need to raise it again and when he says he'll do it next time, point out that he has said that lots now but doesn't, and so you are assuming he is trying to make a point about the washing, so could he now tell you what that is directly and get it all out in the open please?

SmallElephant · 12/01/2022 11:25

This would really annoy me OP! YANBU.

ShowMeTheSugar · 12/01/2022 11:25

*deliberately

TulipVictory · 12/01/2022 11:26

As you put your clothes on the top of the basket he is obviously doing it on purpose but playing dumb. Call him out he's taking the piss or send his ass back to work !

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/01/2022 11:27

If the Op is doing the cooking and also does laundry (as pp) then that suggests that Dh isn’t actually being expected to do everything. Usually when someone posts on Mumsnet that they are doing everything and Dh isn’t helping out with the housework that includes Dh not cooking dinner or ever doing the laundry. So, the advice to not do his laundry is a bit more deserved in that context. And does not seem to be deserved in this context.

@gettingabitfedup do you think that you share the household tasks fairly with Dh? If so then it is a bit odd that he won’t include your clothes in the wash along with his and dc. Is it possible that he is worried about accidentally damaging your clothes?

AdobeWanKenobi · 12/01/2022 11:27

@TheChip

This is often suggested on here when women come on here moaning about their OH leaving their clothes laying all over the place etc. They are told to stop washing their clothes.

Are you leaving your clothes lying about, OP? Could he be sick of picking up after you?

She literally says in the OP where her clothes were:

put at the top of the washing basket

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:29

@TulipVictory

As you put your clothes on the top of the basket he is obviously doing it on purpose but playing dumb. Call him out he's taking the piss or send his ass back to work !
Then no washing will get done
thewhatsit · 12/01/2022 11:30

I think it’s really, really odd however I have seen it reverse on MN multiple times when people say things like “why are you doing his washing?” Shock and making out that doing a man’s washing is something we shouldn’t be doing.
Personally - there is one washing pile. Everything goes in and everything comes out in roughly the same order and I don’t differentiate.

steff13 · 12/01/2022 11:33

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Yep this is exactly what the standard MN view is , that people should do their own washing.
Yup, sure is. I've always thought that was ridiculous; it's not that hard to throw everyone's stuff in. But when it's a SAHM and the husband is complaining, the majority MN view has always been that he should do his own laundry.
HeyMicky · 12/01/2022 11:34

@ImustLearn2Cook

If the Op is doing the cooking and also does laundry (as pp) then that suggests that Dh isn’t actually being expected to do everything. Usually when someone posts on Mumsnet that they are doing everything and Dh isn’t helping out with the housework that includes Dh not cooking dinner or ever doing the laundry. So, the advice to not do his laundry is a bit more deserved in that context. And does not seem to be deserved in this context.

@gettingabitfedup do you think that you share the household tasks fairly with Dh? If so then it is a bit odd that he won’t include your clothes in the wash along with his and dc. Is it possible that he is worried about accidentally damaging your clothes?

I doubt any of the DHs in those scenarios would agree they do nothing. Which is why this PA crap doesn't work.

But what's good for the goose must also be good for the gander

RampantIvy · 12/01/2022 11:35

That's just weird. I don't sort washing by person, but by type - lights, darks, bedding, towels. Washing by person is so inefficient.

dementedpixie · 12/01/2022 11:39

@KiloWhat

Oh dear... the poor little man needs to be taught how to do the family laundry.

Nothing to do with him being a man ffs. I work part time and as such I have taken on mine and my child's laundry. If DH wants me to do his too then he's going to have to help out with DCs.

I can't be expected to do it all. I mean what about weekends OP can do some then.

He is making more work for himself by picking round OPS clothes in the basket so I don't see why he can't just do a mix of everyone's clothes
Burgerqueenbee · 12/01/2022 11:39

@HeyMicky

This is a tactic FREQUENTLY suggested on threads when women complain about division of labour or that their DHs leave clothes about.

I don't agree with PA behaviour but he's clearly making a point, OP - ask him directly what his problem is

Ha yes I was expecting the responses to be along these lines when I clicked on the thread to be honest.
Bollindger · 12/01/2022 11:39

He is being a Dick.
Just do your own washing and take his power trip off him.
Then ask him why he is sorting your clothing to not wash it, when your the wage earner.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2022 11:43

Woah everyone!!!

There's no way you can form an opinion based on the limited information in the opening post!!

And the gender difference!!! For example, if a sahm posted 'I'm knackered, I do everything, husband just works and then does nothing'
It would be absolutely unanimous 'stop doing his laundry'

Unless I've missed it, the op has not said how the housework is split.

Until she does, there's no way whatsoever of knowing if the dh is an arse, or if he's making a point.

Original poster
gettingabitfedup · 12/01/2022 11:46

Normally I sort the upstairs rooms and bathrooms out and he sorts the living room and kitchen out. Sorry for the slow reply.

OP posts:
AdobeWanKenobi · 12/01/2022 11:47

@arethereanyleftatall

Woah everyone!!!

There's no way you can form an opinion based on the limited information in the opening post!!

And the gender difference!!! For example, if a sahm posted 'I'm knackered, I do everything, husband just works and then does nothing'
It would be absolutely unanimous 'stop doing his laundry'

Unless I've missed it, the op has not said how the housework is split.

Until she does, there's no way whatsoever of knowing if the dh is an arse, or if he's making a point.

I think you can absolutely form an opinion on someone who physically sorts out OP's clothing and makes a conscious decision to ignore them. If clothing was in a pile elsewhere then fair enough, but this is clothing at the top of a wash basket.

Regardless of how the rest of the housework is split you'd be an utter arse to do that. Especially as the amount of extra work it creates is negligible, and arguably its extra work to actually remove them to not wash.

NerdyBird · 12/01/2022 11:47

My DH does the laundry. He does everyone's - we share baskets so he'd never separate out all my stuff just to do his and the kids. He manages this whether he's working or not.
He also managed to wash everyone's clothes when we had a toddler doing 'messy play' or coming home mucky from the park.
If Op's husband is consistently not doing OP's clothes and having to separate things out in order to not do them then it's deliberate.

Original poster
gettingabitfedup · 12/01/2022 11:50

Also the idea that DP picks up after me is definitely way off base, if anything it’s the other way around!

OP posts:
GizmosEveningBath · 12/01/2022 11:55

I was a SAHM, part of the role is doing the lion's share of the housework. Unless the DCs were sick and I literally had no time to do anything else then getting clothes clean and dry didn't take up much time at all. I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him to chuck your clothes in with his. If he can't meet you half way on this, maybe having a SAHP isn't going to work and he should go back to work if he is feeling hard done by.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2022 11:56

@gettingabitfedup

Also the idea that DP picks up after me is definitely way off base, if anything it’s the other way around!
Ok op. But posters didn't know that. We do now. So, you do some of the housework, but he does the majority.

There could be a million questions here to work out who should do it (kids, ages, needs, mental load, cooking, shopping; gardening, diy etc).

But rather than bother with that, this is a simple conversation you should have with your dh about sharing the load and whether he thinks it's fair or not, so why he's doing this.

TheChip · 12/01/2022 12:01

I know you've said you've had conversations before and he says he will do it in the future. But obviously this hasn't happened. The fact that you needed the clothes this morning, I'd use that to try and have a serious conversation about it in order to find out why and what the issue is.

Even if it is just that he doesn't want to wash your clothes. As shitty as that is, at least you would know!

VelvetChairGirl · 12/01/2022 12:03

@gettingabitfedup

Just that really. I’m a full time working mum and my partner is the SAHP. When he puts a wash on, he only ever puts in his and our DS’ clothes so that I have to then do a wash later after finding out there’s nothing clean for me myself. I’ve asked him multiple times if he can please put my clothes in too but he never does - frustrating because this morning I needed certain clothes that I’d put at the top of the washing basket but they were still there this morning despite DP doing the washing yesterday. When I put a wash on, I make sure to do everybody’s clothes. I’m probably BU and I don’t mean to sound lazy but it’s frustrating me!!
he's sending a message he doesnt want to do housework and resents that your not doing it, so refusing to do yours so you have to.

they do things like that, sounds like he's starting to break away tbh, the getting ready to leave mindset starts with little acts of leaving you out and resentment at doing things for you and forgetting to do things to see what the reaction is.