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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think wash my clothes too!

82 replies

gettingabitfedup · 12/01/2022 10:49

Just that really. I’m a full time working mum and my partner is the SAHP. When he puts a wash on, he only ever puts in his and our DS’ clothes so that I have to then do a wash later after finding out there’s nothing clean for me myself. I’ve asked him multiple times if he can please put my clothes in too but he never does - frustrating because this morning I needed certain clothes that I’d put at the top of the washing basket but they were still there this morning despite DP doing the washing yesterday. When I put a wash on, I make sure to do everybody’s clothes. I’m probably BU and I don’t mean to sound lazy but it’s frustrating me!!

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:07

This is clutching at straws a bit, no?

“As a SAHF I do too much messy play to wash anyone’s clothes except my own and my child’s.”

No it's not. At the moment I manage one load every 2 days as I'm having to dry inside. I don't have loads of clothes for the little one as we can't afford it so yes DC's clothes come first.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/01/2022 11:09

OP put your clothes into the machine when you take them off so he literally doesn’t have to do anything other than hang them up when they’re washed. If he leaves your wet clothes in the machine instead of hanging them then you have a real problem. It’s called contempt.

HeyMicky · 12/01/2022 11:10

This is a tactic FREQUENTLY suggested on threads when women complain about division of labour or that their DHs leave clothes about.

I don't agree with PA behaviour but he's clearly making a point, OP - ask him directly what his problem is

Knittedfairies · 12/01/2022 11:10

I'd be serving dinner to everyone but him until he gets the message.

Eileen101 · 12/01/2022 11:10

Yanbu, he's being incredibly petty. He says he will but then doesn't? Is he actively sifting your stuff out? Do you have a washing basket for the household? Or individual people? If it's the latter, suggest a household one because then he can't use that argument!

Is he making a point about anything? Although you're the earner and he's the SAHD, you do some stuff round the house right? You don't expect him to do all and look after the kids? (Not saying you do, just looking at the flip side).

SeasonFinale · 12/01/2022 11:11

This is making me smile because on MN when a SAHM says her partner works but doesn't help out in the house she is told to stop doing their partner's laundry etc for them until they take on a reasonable amount of household duties/mental load. Perhaps your DP has been asking for advice in MN

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:12

@SeasonFinale

This is making me smile because on MN when a SAHM says her partner works but doesn't help out in the house she is told to stop doing their partner's laundry etc for them until they take on a reasonable amount of household duties/mental load. Perhaps your DP has been asking for advice in MN
Exactly but some how because he's male he's not allowed to use these tactics and is being strange.
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/01/2022 11:12

And I would start cooking for just you and DC.

If I could be bothered to stay with this man.

KO81 · 12/01/2022 11:13

@KiloWhat

This is clutching at straws a bit, no?

“As a SAHF I do too much messy play to wash anyone’s clothes except my own and my child’s.”

No it's not. At the moment I manage one load every 2 days as I'm having to dry inside. I don't have loads of clothes for the little one as we can't afford it so yes DC's clothes come first.

But it’s not just the child’s clothes he’s washing. It’s everyone’s but the OP’s clothes.
billy1966 · 12/01/2022 11:14

He's obviously got a problem with you and is trying to make a point.

Why is he a SAHP?

Do you do anything in the home, do you share childcare when you are at home?

If you do share the load at home and he is doing this, perhaps he should return to FT work and contribute financially.

melj1213 · 12/01/2022 11:14

Do you have a communal laundry basket with your DH?

If so then it is definitely a deliberate action for him to only take his clothes out to wash rather than just throwing everything in together and you should challenge that with him.

However if you have separate baskets I can see how he might prioritise the DCs stuff and then his own and not get round to yours, especially if you have certain items that need special care as opposed to just throwing it all in at 40°C without sorting

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 12/01/2022 11:15

Admittedly I was a bit like this with DP when my DC were a bit younger (I'm the SAHP) and it was honestly because the routine I had. I would get us all dressed for the day, take clothes straight downstairs in to washing machine. Add in the newborn baby washing that seemed never ending, rotten toddler clothes from the park I would then have a full load and would wash that. Then would go through the laundry basket (that was rarely full because of my routine) when doing bed sheets etc.

My DP never said anything but threads like this remind me that I selfishly did similar, now they are a bit older in their own rooms etc it's back to everyone's clothes in the washing bin.

It's probably not the same scenario with your DP, especially if you told him before.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:15

But it’s not just the child’s clothes he’s washing. It’s everyone’s but the OP’s clothes. maybe OP shouldn't leave all the washing to the SAHP then.

ShowMeTheSugar · 12/01/2022 11:17

Why are posters making comments this being a reaction to OP not helping round the house? They have already said plainly and clearly they cook and do washings and include the whole family when doing this.

AdobeWanKenobi · 12/01/2022 11:17

@Knittedfairies

I'd be serving dinner to everyone but him until he gets the message.
This.

OP if your clothes are at the top he's making a conscious decision to move them to reach his.

When you plate up dinner tonight and he asks where his is you simply say 'Oh, I forgot, I'll do it next time' and repeat and the same for anything else you do for him.

TheChip · 12/01/2022 11:17

This is often suggested on here when women come on here moaning about their OH leaving their clothes laying all over the place etc.
They are told to stop washing their clothes.

Are you leaving your clothes lying about, OP? Could he be sick of picking up after you?

ShowMeTheSugar · 12/01/2022 11:18

KiloWhat in her very first post OP clearly indicates she doesn't leave all of the washing to her partner.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/01/2022 11:19

YANBU sorry but what woman would be that selfish. Has he got an attitude problem in general?
That is totally unacceptable.
Maybe ask him if he'd ikea to go back to work if he can't be bothered to do these things.
I'm sure you don't just sit about in the evenings and weekends doing nothing.

Witsend234 · 12/01/2022 11:19

@KiloWhat

But it’s not just the child’s clothes he’s washing. It’s everyone’s but the OP’s clothes. maybe OP shouldn't leave all the washing to the SAHP then.
I took the OP’s statement of ‘when I do washing I include everybody’s’ to mean that she does also do laundry.

OP, yanbu. We have a basket for DH and I and one for the DC. Whoever gets there first (me currently as on mat leave but normally DH when we’re both FT working), will grab a handful of each to make up a load to keep it as balanced as we can. I certainly don’t leave out DH’s just because he’s capable of his own and him likewise with mine.

KO81 · 12/01/2022 11:19

@KiloWhat

But it’s not just the child’s clothes he’s washing. It’s everyone’s but the OP’s clothes. maybe OP shouldn't leave all the washing to the SAHP then.
Why? He’s not working, she is. When I was on mat leave, I did the washing. However, it’s moot anyway. In her OP she quite clearly states when she puts a wash on, she does everybody’s clothes.

His action of sifting her clothes out feels deliberate.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 12/01/2022 11:20

@KiloWhat

But it’s not just the child’s clothes he’s washing. It’s everyone’s but the OP’s clothes. maybe OP shouldn't leave all the washing to the SAHP then.
I work full time and do all the washing. It's not that hard.
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:20

@ShowMeTheSugar

KiloWhat in her very first post OP clearly indicates she doesn't leave all of the washing to her partner.
so that I have to then do a wash later grudgingly.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/01/2022 11:20

Yep this is exactly what the standard MN view is , that people should do their own washing.

KravMaga · 12/01/2022 11:20

My DH used to do this but it was because he was scared of ruining my clothes. He now announces a wash and I give him what I’m happy for him to wash. He is scared of his own clothes too though. He will wash Blues together but no other colours with it. I have told him time and again that he can put jeans in with other trousers and boxers but he won’t do it himself!

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:21

I work full time and do all the washing. It's not that hard. then why is OP moaning. She can just do her own washing.

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