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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can spend my money on what I like

69 replies

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 17:30

Me and DH have joint account for bills, savings, other essentials and then have some spending money every month separately. I work part time as I care for our DC (toddler and primary) but we both take the same spending money every month.

I usually work Tuesdays so my youngest was in nursery but had a day off and went shopping with my Mum, something we sometimes do together when the sales are on!

I bought a few things for DC, mainly clothes as especially the youngest they grow out of them so quickly and they needed a bit of an overhaul and a few other bits I thought they'd like, nothing out there or really expensive just some little treats, new PJs and a game/toy.

My DH has 3 DC from a previous relationship, my SC. I get on well with them, in a more friend type way. They are 10 (twins) and 12.

My husband is annoyed, or more upset, that I didn't bring anything home for my SC from my shopping trip. They are staying tonight but I just took all the stuff I'd bought upstairs into the bedroom anyway to sort out tomorrow so they haven't seen it.

In my mind I'm just a mum who went out and bought her kids some stuff they needed?!

His eldest has been wanting to spend a lot more time at his mum's recently because she lives closer to his friends and I know he's worried about that. But it seems to be manifesting in some obsession with everything seeming equal all of the time.

YABU - you should have bought things for SC too.

YANBU - it's fine to spend your own money on clothes and a few treats for your DC

It's causing friction with us at the moment this situation and I'm sick of him taking it out on me and always picking at what I do or do not do enough of.

OP posts:

KiloWhat · 11/01/2022 17:34

He can get them stuff if he wants. He needs to grow up.

SoupDragon · 11/01/2022 17:34

I think it would have been nice to have bought something small given they were going to be with you tonight but you're not unreasonable.

Extragherkinsplease · 11/01/2022 17:34

Could he have bought things for his own children?

It’s your spending money so yes you can spend it on what you like.

Maybe he was thinking you were going to flaunt the new items in front of the other kids or something - not that this would even be an issue

Howshouldibehave · 11/01/2022 17:37

Does he expect you to buy stuff for his children out of your own spending money?!

I think he is being very unreasonable. I don’t always buy stuff for all of my own children when I go shopping-sometimes one needs something but the others don’t.

Original poster

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 17:41

@Howshouldibehave

Does he expect you to buy stuff for his children out of your own spending money?!

I think he is being very unreasonable. I don’t always buy stuff for all of my own children when I go shopping-sometimes one needs something but the others don’t.

He says it shows I don't think of them. He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past.

OP posts:

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 11/01/2022 17:42

I don't even buy for all of mine at once!! 4 under 16. Sometimes I get the 2 older ones(dd's), sometimes the 2 ds's.. Or maybe none!! Your dh has his own cash available to spend on his own dc imo.
Choosing for his dc could be classed as overstepping!!

You truly can't win op.

Theyellowflamingo · 11/01/2022 17:42

He’s being ridiculous- you obviously have to buy clothes for younger children far more often than for a tween. And none of the children even knew what you’d done.

I’d offer to give him sufficient spending money to cover clothes and put him in charge of clothing for all family children. Then he can make it “fair”. When did he last buy things for your children?!

Howshouldibehave · 11/01/2022 17:43

He says it shows I don't think of them. He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past.

I think he’s being a twat!

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2022 17:44

So his children have at least three parents buying them things but your children have one? Or does he buy for your joint child too?

Jabbawasarollingstone · 11/01/2022 17:46

But the SC are not your children, they are your DH's children.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 11/01/2022 17:47

Df guilt. His issue to deal with not yours...

RandomUsernameHere · 11/01/2022 17:47

You weren't BU, he should go and buy them something himself!

Goldandguns · 11/01/2022 17:48

Does he buy for all 5 of them every time he shops for one of them? I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to spend on all of the DC/SC. If you want to, you can, but it's your money so you spend it as you want to!

mermaidgiraffe · 11/01/2022 17:50

YANBU. Considering they didn't even see, it really doesn't matter IMO.

Whether they are 'your' children too completely depends on your relationship with them, and when you came into their lives. Judging by the friend comment I'm assuming you (and they) don't feel that way.

D0lphine · 11/01/2022 17:50

He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too".

He is manipulating you into parenting his children.

He wants you to do more so he gets away with doing less.

NorthSouthcatlady · 11/01/2022 17:51

He sounds controlling and precious. YANBU and can spend your money on what you like

Orangesox · 11/01/2022 17:52

If they’re all your children and to be treated equally, then you’ll be buying all their items out of joint money then I presume? He’ll be happy to contribute to / leave in the joint account an amount equal to that which you spend on the children throughout the year so that that money can be spent on all the children?

If the answer to the above is no, then he can get bent.

Confusedteacher · 11/01/2022 17:53

Hmm, clothes we buy as and when they need them, but if I was buying toys/treats and I knew the SC would be home too when I got back I would have got them something too.

Put it this way- would you buy a treat for one of your own DC and not the other? Knowing they would both be there?

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/01/2022 17:53

How convenient of him to view you as his DC's mum.
Does he expect you to do the lion's share in caring for them too?
What would their own mum think of that comment?

givethatbabyaname · 11/01/2022 18:00

Between you, DH and the bio mum, DH is the only one with 5 children.

That’s a lot of children.

And a lot of work. For him.

If he didn’t want that many, he shouldn’t have had them.

He can’t unilaterally make any of them someone else’s kids (has anyone asked the children? Do they know they have two mothers and a father? Does the bio mum know that her children have three parents? Are your DC also some third person’s children? Utter rubbish)

This attitude is what happens when a man thinks he’s “giving” a woman (his) children.

So unsexy.

bluesky45 · 11/01/2022 18:00

I wouldn't have bought stuff for the kids out of my spending money. I would have used the joint account.
If it was stuff that yours needed then I wouldn't have bought for the sc. If it was treats for yours then I would have got the sc treats too.
All this would have been from the joint account though.
If he wants stuff buying for his kids, why would he expect you to do it with your own money? Either his money or joint.

Mummy1608 · 11/01/2022 18:00

Yeah he sounds bossy and controlling.

Think of it this way, imagine you were their bio mum. And you went out to buy some clothes etc for your youngest. Would your dh give you hassle for not getting anything for the older ones?! I'm guessing they weren't Xmas presents or anything?

givethatbabyaname · 11/01/2022 18:01

In practical terms, if you tend to do the buying of stuff for people, he could have just given you £90 and asked if you’d pick up some things for his DC while you were out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2022 18:09

Your children he says? So do you go to parents evenings, get to decide on discipline, dictate screen time and their diet etc?

PostingForTheFirstTime · 11/01/2022 18:11

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and you should not allow yourself to be guilted (by DH or anyone else) into thinking that you should always have the stepchildren on your mind when you are buying things for your DC.

Your DSCs have a mum and a dad to treat them and to buy clothes for them.

If you allow that you should bring back something for each of the three DCs when you buy something for your DC - well, that makes it a very expensive trip, and can lead to a lot of waste if you are buying things for three children simply for the sake of buying them something to avoid a row. (And will also make for a miserable shopping trip if you feel you've got to buy something of equal value/thought for each child but are all out of ideas).

It sets a precedent for having to do this each time, but also the potential for escalation. As in - this time you're getting told for not buying anything for SDCs; next time he'll he yelling at you because you've obviously bought more for DC that for the SDCs.

It is part of your job to make sure your child has what they need, and a few bits beside. Don't let him make it difficult for you.

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