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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can spend my money on what I like

69 replies

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 17:30

Me and DH have joint account for bills, savings, other essentials and then have some spending money every month separately. I work part time as I care for our DC (toddler and primary) but we both take the same spending money every month.

I usually work Tuesdays so my youngest was in nursery but had a day off and went shopping with my Mum, something we sometimes do together when the sales are on!

I bought a few things for DC, mainly clothes as especially the youngest they grow out of them so quickly and they needed a bit of an overhaul and a few other bits I thought they'd like, nothing out there or really expensive just some little treats, new PJs and a game/toy.

My DH has 3 DC from a previous relationship, my SC. I get on well with them, in a more friend type way. They are 10 (twins) and 12.

My husband is annoyed, or more upset, that I didn't bring anything home for my SC from my shopping trip. They are staying tonight but I just took all the stuff I'd bought upstairs into the bedroom anyway to sort out tomorrow so they haven't seen it.

In my mind I'm just a mum who went out and bought her kids some stuff they needed?!

His eldest has been wanting to spend a lot more time at his mum's recently because she lives closer to his friends and I know he's worried about that. But it seems to be manifesting in some obsession with everything seeming equal all of the time.

YABU - you should have bought things for SC too.

YANBU - it's fine to spend your own money on clothes and a few treats for your DC

It's causing friction with us at the moment this situation and I'm sick of him taking it out on me and always picking at what I do or do not do enough of.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 19:38

I think your DH is being unreasonable. But also it can feel hurtful when you don’t feel your children are all equal, I very much felt like this with my ex and eldest son who wasn’t his

I think this is where it stems from. And admittedly I've had to be really blunt with him before about it and say that no I don't love or think of his DC the same as our DC and that's not terrible or cruel or mean it just is what it is. I know he wishes I would and that it hurts him that I don't but I think it's an unfair expectation.

OP posts:

curlii103 · 11/01/2022 19:41

I buy things they need when they need it. All hell would break loose if i bought treats for one and not the other so i kind of see his point. I would have got them something too

Stath · 11/01/2022 19:41

YANBU

…although, I’ve just been on another thread where the OP has children the exact same ages as your DSC (twins aged 10 and a 12 year old)

On that thread the Dad is an absolute waster who pays hardly anything toward his children and reduced his CMS payments as he was now living with a new DP who had children.

I do hope it’s a coincidence!

Original poster

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 19:43

@Stath

YANBU

…although, I’ve just been on another thread where the OP has children the exact same ages as your DSC (twins aged 10 and a 12 year old)

On that thread the Dad is an absolute waster who pays hardly anything toward his children and reduced his CMS payments as he was now living with a new DP who had children.

I do hope it’s a coincidence!

Oh it's definitely a coincidence!! Odd though.

But no, not the same poster. We are married and my DC are his DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 19:46

I've just skimmed the other thread (the OP), it's 100% not DHs ex. Coincidence re the kids though!

OP posts:

DSGR · 11/01/2022 19:47

He’s being unreasonable. You can spend your money on what you like, and five children don’t all need clothes at the same time. If you’d bought your children sweets or a toy and given them in front of SC then I could see his point.
You can love his SC but you’re right that his expectations are unreasonable.
I would tell him he’s got issues about his kids but it’s not fair to start blaming you for those issues

Sceptre86 · 11/01/2022 19:54

If one of my kids needed something like pjs I would buy them for that child not all of them. However when it comes to treats I would always bit for all 3 of mine or not at all. If the kids were over I would have gotten them a token something too. You didn't flaunt it so as not to upset them which is nice but you didn't think of them either.

I wouldn't have gotten with someone who already had kids though and it sounds like you should have had these talks before you got together unless he has miraculously changed the goalposts on you? If this causes tension in your relationship then it doesn't bode well.

Wrenna · 11/01/2022 19:56

Yanbu at all.

HairyScaryMonster · 11/01/2022 20:06

It was Christmas 5 mins ago, no child particularly needs an extra treat. If the SCs weren't aware of the extras it's fine.

phoenixrosehere · 11/01/2022 20:06

So does his ex buy treats for your children when she goes shopping for hers or are only you expected to buy treats for your SC?

Prettybubblesintheair · 11/01/2022 20:07

I’m a mum and a step mum. If my SC were there at the same time as my DC I would have got them Something to, even if I wasn’t planning on giving it to them tonight.

BruceSpringsteensBitOnTheSide · 11/01/2022 20:14

He says it shows I don't think of them. He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past.

In the nicest possible way, you are their step parent and you have every right to go shopping with your mum and buy things for YOUR child if you choose to do that. I’m a step parent and I wouldn’t put up with being questioned every time a I bought things for our children and not the step children. Often the step children’s mum bought things for them and I’d never expect her to buy things for our children.

BellatricksStrange · 11/01/2022 20:20

You are right, but it's not hard to understand where he's coming from. Not that this makes him right. Really you should be communicating and empathizing, rather than venting here and getting all the predictable LTBs and variants thereof. Ultimately it's you who stands to gain from having a happy marriage.

esloquehay · 11/01/2022 20:33

He's a prick for trying to make out that you're their parent, too, as you are simply not, nor will you ever be.
My ex tried to pull that on me. He was a prick, too.
It would have been nice if you'd actually bothered to buy your SC a little something, but you got round that by sneaking your DC's stuff upstairs, eh?! No harm, no foul. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Momicrone · 11/01/2022 20:40

It wouldn't hurt, I can see where he's coming from

ZenNudist · 11/01/2022 20:49

I don't buy equally for my own dc. I buy something they need or would suit.

They aren't your dc. It's a very OTT stance to take.

picklemewalnuts · 11/01/2022 21:08

It's worth reminding him that his DC have another mum who buys them things, whereas your joint DC does not.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 11/01/2022 21:47

His dc have 1 dm and it isn't op..

Original poster

LittleMamaa · 11/01/2022 22:16

but you didn't think of them either

No I didn't, I'm not sure why that's bad though tbh. My DC occupy a lot more of my thoughts that my SC.

you got round that by sneaking your DC's stuff upstairs, eh?!

No sneaking. I just took it all up stairs as a lot of it was clothes and I couldn't be arsed putting it away right then. I'll sort it out tomorrow when I tidy up/ do the rest of the house stuff!

OP posts:

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