To think I can spend my money on what I like

[LittleMamaa]

Me and DH have joint account for bills, savings, other essentials and then have some spending money every month separately. I work part time as I care for our DC (toddler and primary) but we both take the same spending money every month.

I usually work Tuesdays so my youngest was in nursery but had a day off and went shopping with my Mum, something we sometimes do together when the sales are on!

I bought a few things for DC, mainly clothes as especially the youngest they grow out of them so quickly and they needed a bit of an overhaul and a few other bits I thought they'd like, nothing out there or really expensive just some little treats, new PJs and a game/toy.

My DH has 3 DC from a previous relationship, my SC. I get on well with them, in a more friend type way. They are 10 (twins) and 12.

My husband is annoyed, or more upset, that I didn't bring anything home for my SC from my shopping trip. They are staying tonight but I just took all the stuff I'd bought upstairs into the bedroom anyway to sort out tomorrow so they haven't seen it.

In my mind I'm just a mum who went out and bought her kids some stuff they needed?!

His eldest has been wanting to spend a lot more time at his mum's recently because she lives closer to his friends and I know he's worried about that. But it seems to be manifesting in some obsession with everything seeming equal all of the time.

YABU - you should have bought things for SC too.

YANBU - it's fine to spend your own money on clothes and a few treats for your DC

It's causing friction with us at the moment this situation and I'm sick of him taking it out on me and always picking at what I do or do not do enough of.

Unless you're getting something like a packet of sweets for your kids and making them eat them all in front of his kids, there's no reason why you should be buying them anything. And if you do buy your SC anything, it should be because you want to or because your husband nicely asked you to and transferred you the money for it.

@Orangesox

If they’re all your children and to be treated equally, then you’ll be buying all their items out of joint money then I presume? He’ll be happy to contribute to / leave in the joint account an amount equal to that which you spend on the children throughout the year so that that money can be spent on all the children?

If the answer to the above is no, then he can get bent.

To be fair I don't think he'd mind at all if I used joint money. I just didn't because I don't mind spending mine on things for my children, it makes me happy buying them nice things sometimes. He would pay half if I asked him to (and does of course for bigger things).

Just tell him in future you’ll buy them ALL new clothes from the joint account.

I would have used the joint account.
If it was stuff that yours needed then I wouldn't have bought for the sc. If it was treats for yours then I would have got the sc treats too

It was both. They needed some new clothes but I did get them some extra treat stuff too.

Of course you would buy things just for your children! Your step children are not your children, they have a mother.

I don't get this with men. If he is that bothered he can buy everything for all the children.

Why did his first marriage/partnership end?

Was he bullying her too?

Imagine the outrage if his dc go back to dm declaring you chose them some clothes etc!! The horror!!
You can't win.

He says it shows I don't think of them. He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past.

They aren't ffs.

He needs to reinburse you for half or whatever his share is for your joint child's essential purchases

Honestly I think your DH has a point (although he has put it across terribly). Clothes absolutely should be bought as necessary but when buying treats I've always bought my DC and DSC equally.

That's all a bit silly. It's like saying if one gets a new pair of shoes they all do. It's the difference between what they need and gifts.

@AgnesXNitt

Honestly I think your DH has a point (although he has put it across terribly). Clothes absolutely should be bought as necessary but when buying treats I've always bought my DC and DSC equally.

I am a stepmum and have not bought DC and DSC equally. I don't think DH has a point and I think he is trying to force his idea of a happy blended family without thinking maybe everyone is happy with their roles as they are.

He’s an idiot. Your money for your children you have 2

He has 5 so his money needs to be spread amongst them. If he wants his 5 kids to have presents he gets them

Does he not understand that his oldest children have two parents responsible for buying for them, their mum and dad, they don’t have three parents, mum and dad and step mum

He wouldn't mind if you bought things for your joint children from the joint account? Well, he's a prince.

@LittleMamaa
He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past

Ask him if his ex is happy that her children are considered yours

I would not have married someone with DC unless I was going to treat those DC like my own. I think it is wrong and damaging to marry someone with DC and then treat them as less than your own DC, like 2nd class children. So yes, I think you are unreasonable.

They’re not your children, they’re his. If he wants stuff for them, he can buy it. You aren’t their mum.

Does he buy them clothes and treats?

His children from a previous relationship are in no way your children. How fucking ridiculous. Does he not understand basic biology? If he wants his children to get treats, HE can buy them.

@givethatbabyaname

Between you, DH and the bio mum, DH is the only one with 5 children.

That’s a lot of children.

And a lot of work. For him.

If he didn’t want that many, he shouldn’t have had them.

He can’t unilaterally make any of them someone else’s kids (has anyone asked the children? Do they know they have two mothers and a father? Does the bio mum know that her children have three parents? Are your DC also some third person’s children? Utter rubbish)

This attitude is what happens when a man thinks he’s “giving” a woman (his) children.

So unsexy.

Too true.

What a waster and a PITA.

Tell him by some bits from HIS money for HIS children and mind his own business about how YOU spend YOUR money.

Twat.

So glad I've not got a manchild to deal with like some of you have

He is very "they are all OUR children, you're their parent too". It's caused arguments in the past.

I had this too and I had to be quite brutal in the end. Despite being married to their dad for over 20 years, I’m not their parent and I never will be. I pointed out I married him, not his kids and he’s the reason they’re in my life. To be fair, the kids have only ever seen me as an older friend because that’s how I treat them.

I don’t even buy my own kids something everytime I go shopping, I could buy a whole wardrobe for one (obviously never do at once) and nothing for the other if they don’t need anything. I’ve never been one for buying for both if one doesn’t need it, as I don’t want my kids being like my brother was, demanding equality! They get stuff when they need it and never have ever complained.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. But also it can feel hurtful when you don’t feel your children are all equal, I very much felt like this with my ex and eldest son who wasn’t his. It led to us separating - but a lot went on there which I’m sure isn’t going on in your homen

Home not homen!

Suggest that he tells his ex that they're your children and see where that gets him.