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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being mean?

159 replies

MagicKit · 11/01/2022 16:35

I think he is, but AIBU to?

Was our child's 5th birthday yesterday. Not to Dc but to me he sulked and snapped for most of the day because I motioned for him to park in a certain spot in the school car park as it is where DC and I meet his friends every morning.
He ignored me and parked somewhere else. Then me and DC got out of the car and I said "come on, let's walk up to the grass and meet Eric and Jamie!" DH did not follow us and stayed sitting in the car. He got out when we walked into school and came with us but as soon as DC was in school he went marching off ahead. We were going to breakfast together- our first time just us in months actually- and he was giving me nothing more than "mmhmm" and eye rolls so I asked him what was wrong. He said "I won't be told where to park. I know how to drive and where I'm going thanks. I don't need to be belittled and snapped at." I asked him where I had snapped and belittled him when all I did was point and say, perfectly neutrally, "look, park in there, that's where I normally park." He claimed that is not what I said and he was made to feel ridiculous.

All day long he was just unpleasant to me. Not in front of the DC but when my mum came to visit I asked him if he'd like a cup of tea as I was making one and he looked at me, flatly stated "nope" and immediately put his headphones on. I was embarrassed for how he was treating me in front of my mum and said to try and inject some humour "oh, stop being such a grump!" He replied, "maybe you shouldn't be such a bitch." Me and my mum were totally shocked and neither of us have ever known him to be like that.

Later on when I did DC's birthday cake, I asked him to turn the lights out and he just said "why?" I said "because I am bringing in the cake with the candles for DC" and he just stared at me as if he was trying to work out what on Earth it had to do with him.

He sulked off upstairs and I had just about had it. I went up and said to him that he's being vile and I consider that kind of behaviour toward me to be abusive. Basically punishing me because his male pride got so hurt because I suggested a parking space! And no, you don't get it to mope about upstairs when your child is excitedly waiting to play with everyone and his new toys, so pull your damn self together and get downstairs for your son! And don't you dare give him the same horrible attitude you're giving me! Neither of us deserve it but he definitely doesn't at all!

He was perfectly lovely to DC, but kept giving me absolute evils.

And then later when I was talking to oldest DC about injuries that can happen to feet due to his having stepped on a drawing pin, I recalled to him the time I stood on a nail. DH, who wasn't even part of the chat, chimed in with "Ah, there you go. We're back on Mum. Conversation is now all about Mum." DC said "what are you on about?" and laughed, but I felt totally shit because actually, I never make anything about me and he knows it, he's told me so many times that I should be more assertive about sharing my opinions and experiences!

Seriously, I was so taken aback by his sulking and nastiness all day long. We've been together a decade and I've never known him be such a twat. I mean that- never.

Today he's being frosty and complaining of a terrible headache and joint pain and is quite scandalised that I don't give a shit at all. Normally I'd make him a drink and bring him some painkillers as he would for me if I was ill, but I'm so bothered by his nastiness. I told him he was a bastard to me yesterday and he said, "um...what?!"

Wtf!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 08:53

[quote Mudday]@MagicKit I think you're realising you need to brace yourself for a storm when you access advice from the Mumsnet-zone eh? You mentioned he's a night shift worker and that's possibly the root of the problem. I don't know how old he is but I would strongly advise anyone over 30 years old not to do it. I spent 3 years as a nightshifter for a newspaper in my mid twenties and have never really recovered/adjusted fully to the day to day. Daytime fun for a night shifter is like asking you to celebrate a loud party at 3/4am. He needs to sleep properly and be understood for the loneliness and sense of exile night work imposes on a person. His behaviour was wrong, but so are his hours. Get him onto a day shift asap and in the meantime find a quiet, dark room where the poor man can get some proper sleep. His behaviour should improve vastly.[/quote]
He's 37. Dayshift was contracted out, so he'd need to leave his full time employment and go onto the agency if he wanted the dayshift and he doesn't want to take that risk. I've said many times it's ruining his quality of life to be on nightshifts. 5pm to 5am 4 nights on and 4 off and there's zero chance of a nap on shift. They all need to be very mentally alert. When he's on shift he comes home and goes to sleep by about 6:30 as he needs to wind down, but he's often awake by 1pm. It's not enough sleep. I think it's more likely to be this that's caused it rather than the Chinese food!

OP posts:
JollyHostess · 12/01/2022 09:55

OP I asked for my post to be removed as I hadn't read the thread and things have moved on. I hope your DH recovers soon and you get an acknowledgment of how badly he behaved and preferably an apology.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 12/01/2022 09:56

@Kione

He sounds about 16
You sound like you haven’t read the thread. There’s a handy little feature underneath the first OPs post that says “read all”. It’s something you should certainly do before wading into a thread that has moved in significantly. It stops you looking like a prat.. sadly you’ve already done that this time but in future it’ll be a help.
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2022 10:03

I suppose it could go lack of sleep. It could really easily be MSG. It makes me ill these days. Same with soy. I feel prickly if I eat them.

As for people saying about moods and no excuse. I have chronic fatigue and can be nasty and sweary when my body is shutting down. This is a warning sign I am at risk of losing the ability to walk, speak and move. My body goes into keeping me alive mode and I lose higher cognitive brain function. This is all totally plausible neurologically and does not warrant a grovelling apology and suggestions I or op’s dh must not do it again.

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 10:37

@Mummyoflittledragon

I suppose it could go lack of sleep. It could really easily be MSG. It makes me ill these days. Same with soy. I feel prickly if I eat them.

As for people saying about moods and no excuse. I have chronic fatigue and can be nasty and sweary when my body is shutting down. This is a warning sign I am at risk of losing the ability to walk, speak and move. My body goes into keeping me alive mode and I lose higher cognitive brain function. This is all totally plausible neurologically and does not warrant a grovelling apology and suggestions I or op’s dh must not do it again.

It doesn't feel right to me to haul him over the coals when he was experiencing a medical event. I will definitely mention that he called me a bitch and totally overreacted to me pointing out a parking space, but it will be in the context of "do you remember?"

He's never normally like that and I mean that truthfully. It's not an "he loves me really he never means it" type of denial. He is never like that.

OP posts:
S0upertrooper · 12/01/2022 10:40

I suffer from migraines which can be triggered by stress, lack of sleep, hormones, some food, dehydration, alcohol or weather changes. If I was crying with one in the middle of the night I'd want my DH to take me to hospital, it's possible to get IV drugs that help. I feel shit with migraines but have never cried with them. I think you need to take your DH to hospital, better to be safe than sorry. Good luck, hope he feels better soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2022 11:01

Magic
Of course you should talk about it. Your dh may not really remember what he said or his reactions. Talking about it will help both of you to look out for future attacks.

PigeonLittle · 12/01/2022 11:11

Is he alright today?

iheartredsquirrels · 12/01/2022 11:40

Ffs some of the responses on here! Op I'd leave this thread if I was you. The bitch brigade are really out in force on some posts.
Hope dh gets sorted out soon.Flowers

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 11:45

@PigeonLittle

Is he alright today?
Not really, he's either sleeping or got his eyes tightly shut and is grimacing. I'm trying to get him to drink something with some sugar like the doctor said but he doesn't want to move his head much. He said it's not worth the pain. I gave him one of our little boys cups with a lid and bendy straw and put it right next to him so he barely has to move to drink now. I have to collect some tryptans from the pharmacy but they won't be ready until after 2pm. The GP said it sounds pretty nasty but typical and said if he's not shaken the headache to a manageable level by tomorrow morning to call back or if it gets worse to go straight to A&E as there may be a need for IV meds but with our local hospital being on code black, it is probably best to stay home if he can hack it because the A&E wait is over ten hours
OP posts:
SeaToSki · 12/01/2022 13:09

Has he had any pain meds? Have they helped at all? If they havent and he is in that much pain that he woke himself up crying, I would be pushing the A and E button. I know they are on a code black, but can you drive him to a different area with a hospital with a shorter wait time… I think its time to be creative, he needs to be actually seen by a doctor not just discussed over the phone

SeaToSki · 12/01/2022 13:13

Some other suggestions for pain management if it is a migraine

Bag of peas on the eyes …blocks light and the ice helps with pain (use a tea towel over the skin first)

A heavy blanket over the body

Keep things really really quiet

Ice lollies, again cooling and also liquid and sugar

Boiled sweets

But mostly drugs

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 13:29

@SeaToSki

Has he had any pain meds? Have they helped at all? If they havent and he is in that much pain that he woke himself up crying, I would be pushing the A and E button. I know they are on a code black, but can you drive him to a different area with a hospital with a shorter wait time… I think its time to be creative, he needs to be actually seen by a doctor not just discussed over the phone
He's had co codamol. He's allergic to nsaids. I am picking up some tryptans in half an hour. The doctor said just to let him sleep and make sure he's got a sugary drink and that light and noise are kept as low as possible
OP posts:
PigeonLittle · 12/01/2022 13:38

I dont think that sounds typical of a migraine, especially when he's never had one before.

If no improvement after the other medication (2 hours or so) i would go to A&E. Would he get into car? Call an ambulance again if you need.

EerieSilence · 12/01/2022 13:39

If it doesn't help, he really needs to go to the A&E and probably go on a drip to help his migraine.
I have chronical migraines (a combo of some really dodgy genes, thanks not so DF and encephalitis I got after a flu (get yourselves fecking vaccinated, people)) and you definitely get irritable AF because everything annoys you, sounds, lights, even how people breath or eat many times before you get the migraine attack.
Many people call migraines a headaches but tbh, that's at least for me, a secondary issue but that's probably because I also have fibromyalgia so have a very high pain threshold. The aura is worst.
I normally prefer very sugary and cold snacks when I have bigger attacks, there are days when I can't really stomach anything warm or hot, except for tea but the food must be cold.
If your DH continues to suffer from migraines, tell him to have a migraine diary and check for signs of an attack coming. Mine's normally watering eyes and really bad sugar cravings a day before the attack but everybody is different.
Good luck to you and your DH and don't hesitate to tell him that despite the suffering, he's still a dick and if he continues to have migraines, he needs to find some coping mechanisms. A suffering person who's a pain in the arse on top of it usually doesn't have long lasting loving relationships with others.

lunalovegreat · 12/01/2022 16:24

I would say that he needs to be seen by a dr personally.

Teacupsandtoast · 12/01/2022 17:34

How is he now OP?

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 18:17

He's feeling a little bit better after the triptan and he's sitting up and drinking. He still doesn't want to eat but he's talking and seems able to tolerate the normal household noise better. The kids are being pretty quiet though. He's pretty cranky though. I asked if he wanted a bath and he just huffed and laid back down and closed his eyes.

I've not had migraines so I don't know enough about this but he said everything feels tight in his head and the air feels thick and wrong.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/01/2022 18:50

Make sure he doesn't have a pinprick rash, because all the rest is meningitis symptoms.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 12/01/2022 18:52

Yep if he's better after one triptan he can have a second dose which will probably help. I have to sleep it off but keep sipping drinks. air sugary drinks aren't working it's better that he has water. I wouldn't tolerate sugary drinks tbh. I also get a hot wet flannel to just put in my eye socket. Then everybody needs to fuck off and leave me alone until i'm ready for my tea and toast! (which needs to be brought immediately!!) I can be a complete bitch but am lovely normally.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/01/2022 18:57

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Give him a covid test, if he's feeling awful today and behaving out of character he may well be ill. Covid messed with my head terribly.
Did it make you act like a twat to your husband and make you call him a bastard in front of his mum?
PigeonLittle · 12/01/2022 19:05

Glad he's improving, keep a close eye on him. Call a doctor tomorrow morning if he's still suffering, if he gets even a small bit worse I'd get him seen to as an emergency overnight.

PigeonLittle · 12/01/2022 19:06

Is he eating, drinking and going to the toilet normally? Have strength in all limbs and no raised temperature or sweating?

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 19:58

@PigeonLittle

Is he eating, drinking and going to the toilet normally? Have strength in all limbs and no raised temperature or sweating?
Not eating, he feels really sick. Negative lateral flow. Drinking properly now. Been to the loo, yes, but walking made his headache worse. Able to use all limbs, yes.
OP posts:
GrannytoaUnicorn · 12/01/2022 23:07

Bloody hell! Has he still not seen a Doctor?!?!?! This has Meningitis written all over it - God forbid.

As I said before, this isn't my experience of Migraines at all