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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being mean?

159 replies

MagicKit · 11/01/2022 16:35

I think he is, but AIBU to?

Was our child's 5th birthday yesterday. Not to Dc but to me he sulked and snapped for most of the day because I motioned for him to park in a certain spot in the school car park as it is where DC and I meet his friends every morning.
He ignored me and parked somewhere else. Then me and DC got out of the car and I said "come on, let's walk up to the grass and meet Eric and Jamie!" DH did not follow us and stayed sitting in the car. He got out when we walked into school and came with us but as soon as DC was in school he went marching off ahead. We were going to breakfast together- our first time just us in months actually- and he was giving me nothing more than "mmhmm" and eye rolls so I asked him what was wrong. He said "I won't be told where to park. I know how to drive and where I'm going thanks. I don't need to be belittled and snapped at." I asked him where I had snapped and belittled him when all I did was point and say, perfectly neutrally, "look, park in there, that's where I normally park." He claimed that is not what I said and he was made to feel ridiculous.

All day long he was just unpleasant to me. Not in front of the DC but when my mum came to visit I asked him if he'd like a cup of tea as I was making one and he looked at me, flatly stated "nope" and immediately put his headphones on. I was embarrassed for how he was treating me in front of my mum and said to try and inject some humour "oh, stop being such a grump!" He replied, "maybe you shouldn't be such a bitch." Me and my mum were totally shocked and neither of us have ever known him to be like that.

Later on when I did DC's birthday cake, I asked him to turn the lights out and he just said "why?" I said "because I am bringing in the cake with the candles for DC" and he just stared at me as if he was trying to work out what on Earth it had to do with him.

He sulked off upstairs and I had just about had it. I went up and said to him that he's being vile and I consider that kind of behaviour toward me to be abusive. Basically punishing me because his male pride got so hurt because I suggested a parking space! And no, you don't get it to mope about upstairs when your child is excitedly waiting to play with everyone and his new toys, so pull your damn self together and get downstairs for your son! And don't you dare give him the same horrible attitude you're giving me! Neither of us deserve it but he definitely doesn't at all!

He was perfectly lovely to DC, but kept giving me absolute evils.

And then later when I was talking to oldest DC about injuries that can happen to feet due to his having stepped on a drawing pin, I recalled to him the time I stood on a nail. DH, who wasn't even part of the chat, chimed in with "Ah, there you go. We're back on Mum. Conversation is now all about Mum." DC said "what are you on about?" and laughed, but I felt totally shit because actually, I never make anything about me and he knows it, he's told me so many times that I should be more assertive about sharing my opinions and experiences!

Seriously, I was so taken aback by his sulking and nastiness all day long. We've been together a decade and I've never known him be such a twat. I mean that- never.

Today he's being frosty and complaining of a terrible headache and joint pain and is quite scandalised that I don't give a shit at all. Normally I'd make him a drink and bring him some painkillers as he would for me if I was ill, but I'm so bothered by his nastiness. I told him he was a bastard to me yesterday and he said, "um...what?!"

Wtf!!

OP posts:
Carriemac · 11/01/2022 22:17

If the headache is sudden onset or 'thunderclap' it could be a ruptured aneurysm. Get him to ED immediately if he gets worse.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 11/01/2022 22:21

My first thought for his bad attitude which isn't like him at all and the headache, was something to do with his brain. Keep an eye on him.

Frigginintheriggin · 11/01/2022 22:34

If its a migraine don't give any opiate based meds. They may help initially but can prolong the migraine. (Advise from my neurologist)
A cool compress on my head/neck works for me, in a quiet dark room. Plenty of fluids.
I have to say though I've suffered with migraines for years and have never been an arse.....
I've recently had covid too, and nope, wasn't an arse then either.

But everyone is different.

WorriedGiraffe · 11/01/2022 22:43

Don’t hesitate to phone back if you need reassurance OP, migraine or covid is the most logical explanation but anything can occur really. Hopefully he feels better in the morning

KO81 · 11/01/2022 22:58

@ClaudiusTheGod

Three dispersible aspirin in original Coca Cola. Absolute winner

Especially if you fancy a bleed of your stomach lining…

My GP recommended it. It’s very effective if you don’t have access to the sorts of medicines prescribed to long-term migraine sufferers, such as Triptans.

It’s also a legitimate dosage if you look at a dispersible packet. It recommends 2-3 tablets as an initial loading dose. I’m not being cavalier with shoddy advice on an anonymous forum. And I’d have assumed most people were aware to take NSAIDs with food but I do apologise for not mentioning that in my initial post.

JollyHostess · 11/01/2022 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toasterandjam · 11/01/2022 23:10

KO81-mine recommended similar-2 aspirins in an expresso coffee. I only do that when its a bad one though.
To OP-don't beat yourself up about it, migraines aren't visible to others. They can be really rotten though. I sometimes have them for 3 days running. For some its stress related, also can be certain food combos that can trigger them such as cheese and chocolate. At least you rang 111 for advice. Hope he feels better soon.

Original poster
MagicKit · 11/01/2022 23:42

I called 111 back because DH was being sick and shaking and they sent a paramedic out. They've gone now (I was expecting a six hour wait so that was much quicker!) and DH is lying down quietly. They've checked him over and said the shaking was due to being violently sick and the sickness is due to the migraine. And they're confident it's migraine, they said it could have been brought on by Chinese food?? He doesn't normally eat it but he had a rescheduled works Christmas do two nights ago at a Chinese restaurant. Maybe it's just because it's something unusual that he's done. They checked his pupils, even though he made noises of extreme pain when he had the light flashed in his eyes they said his pupils were responding normally and that his sats and everything were good and he can put chin to chest and has no rash or temperature. They said to get triptans but to call the GP to prescribe rather than OTC because of DH's medication allergies. They asked a bit about his symptoms and I said he'd been really mean which is out of character and they said that unusual irritability can be a thing and can help you to notice when attacks are coming, but he might never have another one....or he might have them regularly. But they think he should be feeling himself again by Friday

OP posts:
Whatamesssss · 11/01/2022 23:48

MSG in Chinese cooking has been linked to migraines. Hopefully it is just a one off and he feels better soon.

Is he drinking water all? He really needs to keep hydrated as it would alleviate symptoms.

BobbieT1999 · 12/01/2022 00:36

If he doesn't make grovelling apologies to you and your mum (and your mum should at the very least get a massive bouquet) once he realises how badly he treated you both then you need to rethink your relationship.

Migraine is not an excuse for saying what he said.

For his sake though, I do hope he recovers quickly. Heads up that a migraine can leave you feeling wrung out for a couple of days after the pain and sickness stops and he might be sensitive to light and noise for a few more days after that.

Don't feel guilty, op. Only a doormat would lavish sympathy on him when he first started complaining of symptoms. Once you realised it was genuine, you looked after him and that's the important bit.

Aussiegirl88 · 12/01/2022 00:48

I know this may be alarming and I don't meant for it to be however a headache that bad or unusual followed by out of character behaviour, aggression etc. Sounds like a stroke. I once had a patient who laid in bed for 3 days with a headache, called a locum doctor with non urgent symptoms just photophobia and he was having a stroke. Followed by that any neuro diseases can can these types if behaviours e.g concussion, head injury, parkinsons MS etc. I would follow up with a doctor

DaphneduWarrior · 12/01/2022 01:02

I’m sorry you’ve been through such an awful time, OP. I’ve had migraines since puberty (11-12) and I remember my first one because it was so shocking.

Apparently I started babbling nonsense in a French class, which I don’t remember anything about. My friend told me later that I was slurring my words, yelling at the teacher and swearing, which was really out of character for me.

What I do remember is vomiting violently, sobbing at the pain and then sleeping for 15 hours. They’re horrible things.

Best wishes to you both Flowers

Bogeyes · 12/01/2022 01:53

He sounds like a child! Is he jealous of your child?

Somuddled · 12/01/2022 06:45

Migraines are vile. Irritably can be an indicator but OP please remember ,and tell him once feeling better, that in the future the indicator needs to be that he feels irritated and not that he is taking out that irritability on you or the children.

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 06:55

@Bogeyes

He sounds like a child! Is he jealous of your child?
No, he's definitely not jealous of our children. He's not well, which I didn't realise.
OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 12/01/2022 06:55

I agree with this too.
But use also had experience of meningitis with ex husband. He turned like this ,saying awful things for days . Then was admitted to hospital with meningitis.
The other arseholery happened after and yes I suspected meningitis again but no , he was just being a cheating prick.

Original poster
MagicKit · 12/01/2022 06:56

@Aussiegirl88

I know this may be alarming and I don't meant for it to be however a headache that bad or unusual followed by out of character behaviour, aggression etc. Sounds like a stroke. I once had a patient who laid in bed for 3 days with a headache, called a locum doctor with non urgent symptoms just photophobia and he was having a stroke. Followed by that any neuro diseases can can these types if behaviours e.g concussion, head injury, parkinsons MS etc. I would follow up with a doctor
We will definitely follow this up with the doctor. He woke me up crying in the night, but went back to sleep pretty quickly and I'm just going to leave him to sleep for as long as he needs today
OP posts:
AngelicInnocent · 12/01/2022 07:11

Hi op. Just a word of caution. Someone in my life started with migraines and was prescribed triptans. The first time they took them, they were completely wiped out. Fell asleep like they had been hit over the head with a shovel and were out of it for about 6 hours solid. Really scared me but completely normal apparently. They never moved, twitched, stretched or anything. I had to check they were still breathing.

Mylittlepea · 12/01/2022 07:16

Best wishes to you OP and your DH Flowers for a speedy recovery.

Sounds very scary having the paramedics out late at night, as you have said (MANY BLOODY TIMES) it is very out of character for him to have acted that way.

So those of you commenting (without having RTF) he is a twat, or he is leaving you for another woman blah blah blah, stop being total MN arseholes and making assumptions and jumping in with unpleasant comments. Yes he was mean, said a couple of things out of character but highly likely down to what has now happened.
Christ there’s some witch hunters on here….Shock

LittleMG · 12/01/2022 07:46

Op what a dreadful night you’ve all had! 😢

HairyFanjoBanjo · 12/01/2022 07:47

I can attest to high irritability and generally feeling very out of sorts before a migraine.

billy1966 · 12/01/2022 08:01

My son had a period of migraines in his teens culminating in his face collapsing, lost of sight and speech.

Totally disorientated.
It was utterly terrifying.

We rushed him to the hospital and he was cat scanned and checked for meningitis very quickly.

The coke cola was recommended with nurofen extra if it happened again.

He was wiped for several days afterwards.

He had had several migraine before that, but never had anything approaching as severe since thank goodness.
He very rarely has any now.

I really hope he feels better soon and definitely getting checked out with his GP as soon as he is able.

How awful for you.Flowers

JealousOfDDsOodie · 12/01/2022 08:04

Wishing you and your husband well Thanks.

My husband acted very out of sorts including rudeness to a visitor we hardly knew, 'detachment' and aggression (verbal) to me just before he had viral meningitis. Not saying it's this, but if the brain is agitated for any reason it can do funny things to behaviour.

As you say, it's totally out of character. So it's more of a red flag for health than actually being an arse in my opinion. Don't feel guilty though - you weren't to know he was going to be ill, at the time he was just being an arse!

Mudday · 12/01/2022 08:06

@MagicKit I think you're realising you need to brace yourself for a storm when you access advice from the Mumsnet-zone eh? You mentioned he's a night shift worker and that's possibly the root of the problem. I don't know how old he is but I would strongly advise anyone over 30 years old not to do it. I spent 3 years as a nightshifter for a newspaper in my mid twenties and have never really recovered/adjusted fully to the day to day. Daytime fun for a night shifter is like asking you to celebrate a loud party at 3/4am. He needs to sleep properly and be understood for the loneliness and sense of exile night work imposes on a person. His behaviour was wrong, but so are his hours. Get him onto a day shift asap and in the meantime find a quiet, dark room where the poor man can get some proper sleep. His behaviour should improve vastly.

Kione · 12/01/2022 08:38

He sounds about 16

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