All other kids are high achievers?

[IsadoraMoon]

I don't know if it's just me, I just feel like all the kids around me seem to be excelling at absolutely everything and my two are just mediocre, they get on ok but aren't particularly amazing at anything? Don't get me wrong I absolutely love them to the moon and back, and just want to increase their confidence, however I can, but wonder should they continue doing all the extracurriculars that they show no sign at excelling in, just because they enjoy them, or will their eventual lack of progress compared to their peers (most of whom are already ahead) mean they'll actually lose confidence. Should I be trying to find the 'thing' they have a talent for? How do I resign myself to the fact that we can't all be outstanding and maybe average is ok? This might be true of myself too 😜

Everyone finds their place at different times in their lives. Their extra-curriculars are for their enjoyment, to improve their skills and knowledge, to broaden their horizons- why would you stop that? Only one person can be "the best", everyone else can still do their best. Praise your children for their efforts, not their attainment.

And as their lives become busier, they need to learn that "good enough" is good enough. They'll be happier and more productive.

Why do you think “other” kids are excelling at everything? Is this an objective, considered view - or are you listening to what others tell you? For example (and I know this sounds a bit awful!), DH’s friend is really proud of how well his DD is doing at school. Talks about it/her a lot. DH has picked up the narrative of “how Ella is a real high flyer at school”. But when the friend was here and actually talking about her and her grades, I was struck that I’d never have considered her to be a high achiever at all. Doing fine, sure - but not punching the lights out. Is there an element of that in your thinking?

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with being mediocre at many things in life rather than excelling in one.

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels. I'm now...distinctly mediocre. I earn well and have a nice life but my husband who didn't finish school has a glittering career in comparison. I guess what I'm saying is we all peak at different times!

My kids do extracurricular because they enjoy them, that's the whole point. Alot of the time kids to seem to excel just have very pushy parents who force them to continue. As long as my kids have fun that is what grows confidence.

Enjoying something is the perfect reason to keep doing it. My dd goes to one club for this reason, she will never excel at it but her friends go, it keeps her fit, it's convenient, she likes the coaches. Being coachable is good too, IE listening, taking on board feedback. The coaches treat everyone well, even those who won't win prizes. It's trying to create people with a life long enjoyment of exercise, whatever your level. They don't need to find something they have talent for ( whether talent exists!) If it's a popular activity that people often start young and they feel behind, it can sometimes be hard to ' catch up' eg boy's football. If they get disheartened, sometimes trying a different activity which is less common could help like archery, skating, fencing whatever is available locally. Also it's unlikely that your kids are actually mediocre, and the others are amazing. Hard work and enthusiasm counts for a lot and many coaches would rather have those kids than a lazy but ' talented' child.

Is the whole point in extracurricular activities not for enjoyment?

I was considered mediocre at school. Not a high achiever - not top of the class, not a shining light. I went on to have the most successful career (in law) of all my school friends - outstripped all my peers. Through hard work, good choices, resilience, and getting on with people.
There is far far more to life and happiness and success than being a high achiever .
Like with the grand national - the favourite, ‘obvious’ choice rarely wins the race.

I know exactly what you mean!! Here in SW London everyone else’s kids seem to get 10 A*s at GCSE, play a sport at county level and are grade 8 in at least one instrument (or at least it feels that way 😂).
Mine do ok at school, are reasonably sporty and do play an instrument but don’t practise much and don’t excel at it though they do enjoy it. They are happy and I regularly have to remember to remind myself that that’s the most important thing.

But where I live there’s a lot of parents piling on the pressure - at school and at sports clubs constantly pushing their kids with extra training/tutoring etc. Only the top schools, the top sets in every subject at school and the A team in their chosen sport are acceptable and they have no problem telling their kids this too. It just seems very wrong to me to put kids under that sort of pressure especially now that we’re so much more aware of mental health issues in teenagers etc. Kids already feel intense pressure from social media - surely piling on more pressure at home isn’t good for them. But seems I’m in the minority on that around here

How old are they?

You don’t know the minutiae of other families though. Everyone struggles in some area. I have 2 very different kids and if I compared one to the other it would be a very depressing household. Don’t compare a fish to a bird!

My dd is the fastest sprinter in her year at school. She now trains at a club where many of the girls are much faster than she is, but she focuses on her personal best and beating her own targets. She enjoys the training and continues to make progress in the knowledge that compared to some of the others she is ‘mediocre’.

How many adults do you know who are high achievers in extra curricular stuff? None probably, maybe one - I mix in quite a sporty set and I'd say I know two who excel as hobbies but both of those in very niche areas as they have personalities driven to only do things they can win at. But interestingly, one of those says she wishes she wasn't that way and that her parents had put much more emphasis on giving things a go and enjoying them whether you were bad at them or not so she could enjoy a social game of netball (for example) with work colleagues, or enter a running event to have a laugh in fancy dress.

Please don't judge the excellent excelling children by social media posts and parents bragging.

According to FB 75% of the kids in DS1 year were doing amazing at school and their parents were so proud. It's fantastic the parents are proud and love their children. But the reality is - and shown by SATs results - that most kids were achieving below average. (Not saying that's the kids fault as there were teacher issues for that cohort).

I also remember a friend on parents evening telling me whilst waiting for her sons appointment she couldn't help but over hear the one before and in that the parents and teacher were talking a lot about behaviour, the child struggled to behave is a nice way to put it- again on social media both kids had had excellent parents evenings. My friend who is a teacher herself said that was not what happened and if her child had recieved that report she would be devastated.

So much of the excelling is just perception.

It's great if your kids are doing OK. It's fine to do activities they enjoy just for enjoyment and all the other benefits that come with it. They don't have to be the next world champion.

My daughter is the same with her extra curriculur activities-(all sporty clubs). She is never going to be outstanding but they have given her so much confidence that l will keep taking her as long as she is enjoying it. Plus is good for her health and she always tries her hardest which makes me proud

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels

Oh the irony!

Don’t compare them to other people. In the real world many people do averagely. I used to do a couple of sports not very well as a child- as an adult I’ve felt comfortable enough to join a couple of clubs doing those sports where I continue to do averagely. The point is, I enjoy them, I’ve made friends and my long term health is better as a result. This society is too keen on people being the best.

They are enjoying themselves, there is an idea that you have to be great at a hobby to make it worthwhile but that's not true. Life isn't about being excellent and achieving, life should be enjoyed and if that means you like painting then you should paint, even if those paintings look nothing like what they are supposed too and if you like dancing then dance, even if you have two left feet and no timing. If you can instill confidence in your children then it won't matter if they don't do well at something because they will have the emotional resources to carry on. I think putting too much pressure on children to do well is far more damaging to self esteem than allowing them to do whatever they enjoy.

That's just your view why does it matter so much? As long as their healthy and happy just leave it O.K is good enough

Doing stuff because you enjoy it should be enough.

My parents insistence that because I was as good as X,y,z meant I wasn't trying hard enough killed any love I had for anything I wasn't brilliant at and it seriously affected me long term. As an adult, I'm learning to embrace enjoying stuff I'm shit at. I wish we were less competitive as a country.

Praise effort, not attainment is what I learned with my 3.
Neither me or Dh are academic geniuses or good at sport. We are however good people who earn a living and contribute.

This discussion has just reminded me of a friend at university who really wanted to take up ballroom dancing - she loved dancing - but didn’t because her parents said there was no point wasting her time on it because she was too old by then to ever be really successful at it. So she basically had no hobbies except her university subject which she was expected to excel in. She did and went on to do a PhD and is now a leading academic in her field. Not sure if she ever did have any other hobbies but I always thought the idea you could only do something if you excelled at it was quite sad. She always felt she wasn’t even quite good enough at her subject and never seemed very happy. But many many people are like this

Yes I saw so many parents posting in FB how their kid 'smashed it' at GCSEs. Then the school goes ahead and congratulated on their website the two students who had achieved all 9s and the ten or so students who had six or more 8s and 9s. Surprisingly none of those kids who had 'smashed it' were on the list.
However, all that means is that they had 'smashed it' for them. Maybe they had achieved the best possible grade they could.
My own daughter had to face the realisation that she really couldn't have worked any harder and the grades she got were the best she could.
We hear so many stories of kids that did average then achieve well later on, but even so, the vast majority of people are average (by definition) and that's what the world needs. If everyone was going to be a high flyer, who'd do all the other work?
Contentment and satisfaction are just as important.

My son went to after-school football for practically the whole of KS2.

A year or so later I was watching him mess around with the after-church group and realised he still couldn't kick a ball in the direction he wanted it to go

No, most other kids really aren’t.
Relax, enjoy yours for who they are and don’t compare.