All other kids are high achievers?

[IsadoraMoon]

I don't know if it's just me, I just feel like all the kids around me seem to be excelling at absolutely everything and my two are just mediocre, they get on ok but aren't particularly amazing at anything? Don't get me wrong I absolutely love them to the moon and back, and just want to increase their confidence, however I can, but wonder should they continue doing all the extracurriculars that they show no sign at excelling in, just because they enjoy them, or will their eventual lack of progress compared to their peers (most of whom are already ahead) mean they'll actually lose confidence. Should I be trying to find the 'thing' they have a talent for? How do I resign myself to the fact that we can't all be outstanding and maybe average is ok? This might be true of myself too 😜

I remember feeling like this. All of my kids are adults now. All of their friends, all of the ones winning awards and competitions, all of the ones representing their sport at county or even country level, are all just 'ordinary' now. It's a marathon not a sprint. Guiding little people into adulthood, as kind, thoughtful, resilient adults, maintaining healthy relationships and doing jobs they enjoy, are the main goals imo.

It sounds as if your dcs are quite young. My dd did loads of extra curricular stuff in primary. It tailed off as she got older and dropped things or there were clashes and she prioritised etc.

My dd is at a (local) highly renowned dance school, which she chose to go to as she was bored at the one in the village. The most dedicated and best go on to dance boarding schools, get further adult training at the highest levels, West End gigs and so forth. Even though the kids are being taught by highly trained teachers, 95+% of those children will not go onto be dancers. Dd is one of the 95%. This is not what extracurricular activities are about. They are about socialising, making friends/ networks, commitment, discipline, soft skills and pleasure. The owners of the school also know this and have spoken to the children in this way. They may give private lessons to the children, whose parents can afford it and whose children are serious about dance, but the 95% are their bread and butter.

I've come across two types of parents who do this:

The ones who are genuinely proud of their child and want to share it. The child is usually not a traditional high flyer but doing well for what is expected of them. I totally understand this and am happy for them.

Or, the parents who somehow need to live through their child and are doing it for validation. I have a few relatives/ friends on my Facebook feed and it makes me cringe. One who said the midwife told her her 2 week old was 'advanced' and another who was bragging her 18 month old could jump and this skill normally doesn't appear until 2yo etc.....constant updates on homework and parents evening. So much pressure on the kids.

Let kids be kids and develop at their own rate. Mine were still eating crayons at 3yo!

Have your children noticed this? - commented on it? - mind about it?

Best ignored I think.

Ignore boastful parents, of course, but, that aside, children need to learn their own limitations and to be able to assess their own strengths. One of my DDs never got her GCSE maths even after 3 or 4 attempts - she said to her teacher that it was time to stop flogging a dead horse, so to speak, and accepting that she is no good at it. She is a happy Mum with higher qualifications and leading a useful life.

Your job is to foster their self-esteem, so that it is possible to be behind one's peers academically but still be content in who you are.

I cringe at the sm posts about a good school report or winning Star of the Week.

Basically, stuff everyone gets but they look like a lemon bragging gushingly about it.

Just ignore op. Some will be exaggerating, some won't mention the other stuff that their kid struggles with, some will have talented kids who are nevertheless unlikeable, arrogant twerps. Sometimes you get a nice kid who is genuinely talented, and then you can be happy for them. Make your kids the best at being nice, being kind, being inclusive or whatever.

should they continue doing all the extracurriculars that they show no sign at excelling in, just because they enjoy them

Of course! In the long run most people don't start out "outstanding", they become outstanding by keeping going at something they enjoy or are interested in or feel is worthwhile.

Life's too short to be comparing yourself to other people and feeling it's not worth doing things unless you are "outstanding" at them. I tried to do that when I was young, it was a waste because I didn't have the persistence to keep going when I hit an obstacle and suddenly wasn't better than other people any more. Now I'm older I do things because I enjoy them or because they're worth doing, whether I am good at them or crap. Wish I'd started younger

Why would you stop something they enjoyed?

Extracurriculars should be about having fun and making friends. If you do go down the competitive route then you develop resilience, discipline and the ability to reflect and improve. These skills will help them so much more in life that the highly technical skills specific to that hobby itself.

If they did find not doing well in something and getting left behind difficult then you could involve them in extracurriculars that you can't excell at? Scouting or some kind of volunteering. I mean obviously you can excell at these things but there isn't a pressure to and it's mainly linked to participating.

My kids were both high achievers. They both landed amazing jobs (on paper). Both jacked it in and are now penniless musicians but living life.

I think they absolutely made the right decision. Both really happy and successful in their own way

Ignore the braggy parents, there's always one who is convinced that their pfb is the next Einstein.. We had one kid in dc class who was hot housed from the day she was born.

Incessant talk from mum about going for a scholarship at prestigious private school etc. Child sat scholarship exam and failed, the private school contacted mum and gently suggested testing for additional needs.

Mum was in denial etc but in the end the dad got her assessed and the child has severe anxiety and dyslexia. The poor child had struggled so much in school with additional needs.

Her idiot mother failed to get her the support she needed, just kept piling on extra work and calling her lazy. Parents like that do more damage to a child's wellbeing and mental health.

I work with 100s of teens daily, they aren’t all ‘excelling’ and many many are struggling and have no hobbies etc!

Op, the nicest kids that I know are ‘average’. It will all be fine.

I agree with so much on this thread.

I've been playing cricket badly for over 30 years now. I'm so glad no one told me to pack it in. I will carry on playing for as long as I enjoy it and have a place in a team. I played yesterday. I was shit, and I had a blast.

If, in 20 years time, any of you see Yoda trundling between the wickets, that'll be me.

In theory there might have been some other sport that I'd have been better at, but the reality is that I've got a lot of pleasure and health benefits from what I actually did.

My elder DD dislikes doing anything she's not naturally good at. I think the popular attitude that you've got to excel at whatever you do makes children think this way, and it's very unhelpful.

It's also worth remembering that in my day (secondary school in the 1980s) for most kids, getting 5 'O' levels or GCSEs grade C or above was 'smashing it'.

I shall consider that my children have 'aced' their GCSEs if they get results that they feel proud of and are sufficient for them to do what they want to do next.

Won't put it on Facebook though!

My child has attended an extra curricular sports class for 10 years. She's not competitive standard.

However she has had masses of fun, learnt skills, kept fit, learnt that determination and effort reap rewards and made friends with a diverse group of kids that don't live in our village or attend her school. The classes remain her favourite part of the week!

Ah come on...not all kids who excel at something are unbearable boasters or have pushy parents. Some just really enjoy an activity, spend lots of time training and are good at it. All credit to them for sticking at something that requires commitment, focus and effort.
All good life skills.

Dd would never spend that much time training at something and definitely wouldn't be up for anything that required her to get up early. Fair enough.

tbh, if someone says they only know high achieving youngsters, that tells me that they only socialise, or their kids only attend school/nursery, with a very narrow social group of people (socially privileged). That's all I can learn from that statement.

My children weren't gifted or talented or supremely intelligent, but they all look back on their childhood with fondly recalled memories, and all have grown into decent and honourable human beings, people I am proud to say are my own.

I was never the kind of mum who pushed them to be the best at anything, I just wanted them to have fun while they were growing and learning.

I feel a bit sorry for the 'clever' kids who haven't achieved their parent's expectations. One of my DS's friends, although a capable and competent nurse, and an extremely likable, caring, funny young man, says he let his parents down because they 'wanted a doctor in the family'. Consequently he has very little contact with them, which is sad.

My lot have all been successful at different things and they are all, most of the time, happy. That's enough for me. I don't live my life through their achievements and I never will.

I think often that a lot of gushy parents make out / genuinely believe that their kids are excelling at everything …the reality is often quite different.

@WhyYesYABU

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with being mediocre at many things in life rather than excelling in one.

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels. I'm now...distinctly mediocre. I earn well and have a nice life but my husband who didn't finish school has a glittering career in comparison. I guess what I'm saying is we all peak at different times!

100% agree with this. My dp was written off by teachers at school, he was told he would amount to a grand total of nothing as his scores were so low. He now earns way above the national average and is approached all the time from big companies wanting to employ him. Learning resilience and acknowledging that as a child we don’t know what we want “to be” are the way forward.

Thank you everyone so many useful comments and food for thought! I wil absolutely continue with the extra curriculars that they enjoy I was just concerned it would affect their confidence if they see their peers being moved up and they're stuck with kids younger than them. They are 7 and 9 so appreciate still quite young, but concentrating on being the best at being kind and the best at being inclusive and praising effort rather than achievements all seem likes great advice!

Teaching your kids that they just have to enjoy something to carry on doing it and being dedicated to it is amazing parenting IMO

To teach them the security of not being the best but still being confident and liking themselves and who they are is one of the best things you can do for them

As a previous poster said, often you hear how amazing people’s kids are and the truth is bent. I’ve heard how someone dd ‘might be auditioning for the west end, she’s THAT good’ since she was about 10, she’s 16 now it’s still never happened and she goes to a local singing/dancing class that tons of local teens go to, it’s a fun thing not serious. Maybe she’ll turn 18 and end up at RADA and be super successful, maybe not. But it’s all been ‘constructed’ somewhat in the head of her parent who passes this info on. Same with football. You can be great at 10 and train with Man City’s academy or whatever, doesn’t mean your the next Phil Foden abs it’s doesn’t mean your kid will be secure and happy in life.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels

Oh the irony!

What an unpleasant, disingenuous, devious post.

You've deliberately taken what that PP said out of context. She went on immediately after this to say she now considers herself mediocre, and that we all peak at different times.

Hope you feel better. The only person your post screams a great deal about is you.

@maddy68

My kids were both high achievers. They both landed amazing jobs (on paper). Both jacked it in and are now penniless musicians but living life.

I think they absolutely made the right decision. Both really happy and successful in their own way

I've known others like this. They became very successful in their line of career but have turned their backs on that and left the rat race.

All, without exception, are happier. Just goes to show that owing to the skewed values of our society many of us have bought into the idea that professional careers and material possessions are the be all and end all. But there is no evidence any of that makes people happier: statistically, as a nation we seem to be more miserable than ever. As the saying goes, it's lonely at the top.

No No No.
My sister did this. Her kids were ‘destined for the Olympics’ in every single thing they did. Tennis, swimming, dancing, gymnastics….now her kids are in their 20s do you know how many of those things they still do now they have free choice?
ZERO
Do you know what they do?
Go out drinking cocktails with their mates and sit up playing computer games watching YouTube like every other one of their peer group who didn’t get up at ridiculous o clock every bloody Saturday morning. Now you won’t see her kids before midday on a weekend because they can please themselves and they do.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
99.9% of those other kids won’t be the next David Beckham or Beyoncé. Neither will yours. Being a broad generalist for experiencing different activities is best.