All other kids are high achievers?

[IsadoraMoon]

I don't know if it's just me, I just feel like all the kids around me seem to be excelling at absolutely everything and my two are just mediocre, they get on ok but aren't particularly amazing at anything? Don't get me wrong I absolutely love them to the moon and back, and just want to increase their confidence, however I can, but wonder should they continue doing all the extracurriculars that they show no sign at excelling in, just because they enjoy them, or will their eventual lack of progress compared to their peers (most of whom are already ahead) mean they'll actually lose confidence. Should I be trying to find the 'thing' they have a talent for? How do I resign myself to the fact that we can't all be outstanding and maybe average is ok? This might be true of myself too 😜

When I was younger I didn’t want to do anything I wasn’t naturally excellent at.

I really regret that now. I think it’s really important to learn to do stuff for enjoyment, and variety, even if you’re only mediocre at it.

My mum used to always tell us how well other people's kids were doing etc - when it came to university my brother was the only one that went to Oxford - before that my mum was convinced that her friend's kids were the high achievers.

People lie or delude themselves.

Just concentrate on maths and sciences to give them all university options and support them in what they want to do.

I've known people with masters degrees doing admin jobs and people with mediocre degrees from mediocre universities on very, very high salaries.

I know someone that committed suicide because they felt their exam results were not good enough - that sort of pressure is not worth it.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels

Oh the irony!

This isn't irony. She gave a fact. The fact of her academic attainment unlike the parents of kids whom are yet to sit the exams. Plus, she's saying that it doesn't always lead to riches.

I don't understand why people are quick to put others down on this forum.

It’s like parents that make Facebook posts on a young child’s birthday -“Oh X you are so kind, friendly and wonderful” gush, gush, gush.
I work in a school and can confirm X is a pain in the backside constantly winding their friends up.

Agree with a previous poster who pointed out that "smashing GCSEs" might not mean the child got 9 A*. I am inordinately proud of DS ..... academically he is so far behind it's actually a huge worry for us and there are all kinds of support mechanisms in place. But I'm proud of him because he's trying his best, he's engaging with his teachers, OT, teaching assistants, tutor etc to try and improve. He's also getting better at managing friendships and has, for the first time, been invited to more than one school party this year. If you weren't paying attention or didn't know me and you heard me say I'm so proud of how he's doing at school, you might assume I was lying if you heard that DS is in the bottom group for all academics. Ironically, while I'm very pleased that DD is academically doing very well and is genuinely at the top of her class (in as much as that means anything in year 1!), I don't feel proud of her specifically for that because it comes easily to her. I'm proud of her for finally overcoming her fear of water and learning to swim.

Meanwhile, DS and DD both attend extra curricular activities because they are fun, and they learn new skills. They are better at some than they are at others, but they both love the ones they attend. I wouldn't dream, for example, of stopping DD's gymnastics because she's not very good - she thoroughly enjoys herself every week and as she is actually quite scared of many of the activities so every time she masters a new skill or routine, it's a cause for celebration.

My DD has her first dodgeball club tonight. She is tiny, slight, has inherited her mums 2 left feet and I cannot imagine she’d be good at dodgeball. The opposite team may be too scared to throw the ball at her in case they break her specs or her hearing aids though so she might do ok!!

She’s excited so I am pleased. We are not a family Built to achieve in the sporting arena but as long as she’s having fun I’m all for it!!

Let them stick with it, if they're enjoying it. I was one of those overachiever kids, I played the clarinet at school, we were really expected to practise hard and by the time I gave it up at 13 I was good enough that my school music teacher wrote to my mum to get her to persuade me not to waste a promising career as a professional musician. But I was completely sick of it. Now my daughter plays the clarinet and she practises like once a week and I thought she was going to want to give it up, but she's now at the level where she could join the local kids' orchestra and suddenly she really likes it. Better to progress slowly but still enjoy it than to totally put yourself off by trying to be the best. Being good enough to participate at an amateur level as an adult is a perfectly decent target to aim for.

However, all that means is that they had 'smashed it' for them. Maybe they had achieved the best possible grade they could.

I often find that smashed it means did better than the parents. So if a parent got say 8xC but their child got all Bs and above then that would be impressive to the parent so smashing it.

By definition, high achievers are rare. What is important is whether your child is making progress and enjoying things. It's perfectly fine for a child doing gymnastics to have the aim of learning how to do a backflip rather than win gold at the Olympics. You might have to switch where they learn if it's a competition sort of place but practice and perseverance are admirable and helpful qualities to have in life.

By definition, high achievers are rare. What is important is whether your child is making progress and enjoying things. It's perfectly fine for a child doing gymnastics to have the aim of learning how to do a backflip rather than win gold at the Olympics. smile You might have to switch where they learn if it's a competition sort of place but practice and perseverance are admirable and helpful qualities to have in life.

Our club is becoming hugely popular locally b because all the others are so insanely competitive. It's so weird. I can't understand why a bunch of 8 year olds learning how to do a backflip is seen as insufficient.

In some ways I hate myself writing this.
For most of their school years I was like this over our children. "if they just focussed a bit more" "gave on more push" etc etc.
They didn't. They couldn't. They did not get hi flying jobs. But comparatively recently I realised they could not do more than they did.
So many of their friends did well, our two are in ordinary jobs.
Think, not Doctors or Surgeons but nurses.
They are both popular, have developed skills in their hobbies and are respected in that world and happy.
And that is how I was, a Corporal not Officer. I too was happy and earned a qualification in my hobby and taught others.
Be cool about it and relax. You will enjoy life more without the pressure.

Building resilience is more valuable.

Let them continue if they want to and stop if they want to. My parents made me go to some sort of tennis summer school when I was about 8 and I was painfully bad, like couldn’t return a single ball level of bad, so it wasn’t fun. On the other hand I had piano lessons later on and was always frustrated that the teacher didn’t push me enough. So keep talking to them about how they feel and are getting on. Be led by their enjoyment.

Academia wise I am another former gifted child who has become another fairly mediocre adult. People always told me I had so much potential but I never knew what to do with it. Guiding them and helping them figure out what they want to do - which might be by exposing them to a lot of things at a low level - is probably one of the most helpful things you can do.

DS gets music lessons from a fantastic music school where the concerts comprise every child that wants to perform doing a piece of their choice, from 4 year olds that picked up the recorded two weeks ago onwards. While they're not performing, the other kids sit in the audience with their family and applaud each other for getting on stage and doing their thing. Whether they are any good is utterly irrelevant. There is an enjoyable level of chaos.

His drama club has a similar ethos, some of the kids go on to have a little success performing, I'm guessing one or two have learning difficulties and struggle a bit to get through a show sometimes. All applauded and celebrated. We have watched them all grow up.

Think we've been very fortunate with these extra-curricular activities!

Ds plays football. He is bad at football.but he likes running round with his friends on Saturday mornings. He hated matches and refused to play as everyone got cross and shouty ( kids mostly) his amazing club has rounded up the non competitive or struggling kids and made them into a development team who play friendlies with other clubs where everyone cheers whoever scores and there so much positive praise and encouragement ie 'great try' after missing the kick and falling arse first in the mud. Result are happy mediocre kids who are slowly getting better not pulverised in the league. I so wish some other activities could be like this !

The extra-curriculars my daughter does are -

1. swimming - because its an essential life skill

and

1. gymnastics - because she wanted to

I don't think she will ever be an olympic swimmer or gymnast though.... she swims with her bum up in the air and she can barely walk in a straight line never mind anything else!

She's doing well at school and would probably be deemed a high achiever academically... but she's only in y1, I don't think she's a genius, she's just clicked with reading, loves maths (but isn't that amazing at it) and has a reasonable work ethic (worships the ground her teacher walks on, so will do anything she asks) but i'm happy for her to just be happy :) that's the main thing.... that and being a kind friend. Last thing I tell her every morning at drop off is to be kind :)

I wouldn't worry. For many kids it's about finding their thing.

Some of the mediocre kids in my school are doing very well now. Some of the smarter kids did well but had breakdowns they never really recovered from. I was ok at school, did very well at uni, but have a very average job and salary. I lacked confidence and money to really reach my potential. I was never going to be a high flyer based on my personality. It's not me. Your child might not find their thing until they are 40, like other successful people in my family.

The important thing is you guide them through it and show them how to do well if there is something they have potential to do well in or really enjoy.

Also parents love to brag. Their child might be good at something they never really got at all, so they might think they are gifted in comparison.

@Didiplanthis that sounds lovely.

Our club is becoming hugely popular locally b because all the others are so insanely competitive. It's so weird. I can't understand why a bunch of 8 year olds learning how to do a backflip is seen as insufficient.

I understand that a minority might end up representing their county or country but I have heard many kids being put off by the competitive element that seems to start around age 7/8 and are much happier with a more casual arrangement like a 20 minute kick about in the playground at school.

I live near a football club and it's sad to see the posters asking spectators to behave. Presumably some kids are being pushed by abusive parents with big dreams of playing for England.

In this age of mental health issues and adults being less active, a more relaxed attitude to physical fitness can only be a good thing for the majority. I remember being able to walk on my hands in year 6- I think this might have been the peak of my gymnastic fitness

I much prefer people who just enjoy things instead of needing to be the best at it. Competitiveness really runs me up the wrong way. So I would be thrilled if DS grew up to just be happy enjoying things without needing to be the best.

Why do you think other kids are excelling? Why do you want to remove your own kids from something you know they enjoy because they aren't? That's so mean, oh you aren't great at this so best just to stop it eh?? From the sounds of things any lack of confidence in their own abilities would be coming from you if that's what your attitude is

Have you considered doing an activity that your friends kids aren't doing? That way you can't compare them because comparing someone who learns cello with someone who does martial arts isn't really possible.

My dc2 is very competitive (especially when it came to dc1) so I enrolled dc1 in an activity and specifically prevented dc2 from doing it. It became dc1's "thing" and he enjoyed dc2 not trying to outdo him.

@cherryonthecakes I so agree. Drives me mad. We've been able to find the more inclusive and friendly groups. It's vaguely amusing sometimes when I speak to a parent whose kid is at a different group and they'll say things like, "ooh, little Emerald is really coming along at her gymnastics but I do worry that she's not being challenged enough".

BIL is constantly banging on at me about one sport the DC do that he did to a fairly high level because he thinks its outrageous that the DC only have one practice a week. They are 7 and 10....!

Extra circulars should ideally be about developing social skills, learning collaboration alongside growing internal self esteem by perseverance and having fun - that’s the golden mix - if it’s “just” fun that’s more than enough.

IME what they get out of it comes through later. To have an activity where their are different faces to engage with from school and home is an important challenge and often a real relief. Being able to have a skill / sport / hobby that can create an instant social network if you move around as an adult can be life changing.

Also being up for trying new things at each chapter in your life is refreshing.

The mental and physical benefits of moving around, connecting with others and having fun are fundamental and sustaining to any stage of life.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Firstly, ignore braggart parents who are probably over inflating their kids' achievements

I was a 'gifted' child. I sat my SATs early, sailed through school, all As at A level including the highest mark in the country in one of my science A levels

Oh the irony!

That’s not fair. This was setting the scene, where the person described themselves now as mediocre with a dh, who didn’t do well at school having a glittering career and people peaking at different times.

As someone, who didn’t do that well at school due to having diabolical teaching in a failing school at a time, when no one gave a shit 70s/80s, YABU.

My SIL constantly bangs on about how her eldest daughter is an amazing dancer and everyone says so.

She recently shared videos of a performance and I hate to say this but her eldest was, well, in all honesty, a bit shit. Uncoordinated, out of time, not as good as most of the other kids.

She’s a kid and enjoys it so there’s no problem. But I wouldn’t believe most of the crap showy parents come out with about their little prodigies.