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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Losing friendships during the pandemic

61 replies

Cloudnut · 11/01/2022 05:48

Pre pandemic there was a local group of 6 of us friends who would meet up, we'd been friends about 3 years, we met through school stuff.

When covid hit I took it seriously but they continued meeting at each others houses. As time has gone on and restrictions are gone I feel very left out, I'm not asked to things anymore, I usually hear about them after they've happened or see them on social media. They've (with hubbies and children) started going on hols together. There's also a big party at one person's house every Christmas, my partner and I weren't invited this time, nor to any of the holidays. None of them get in touch first and if I do it's generally very short replies I receive.

I feel sad to have lost these friendships, not just 1 but a whole group of women who I considered good friends. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this has hit me really hard wondering why I'm not good enough for them. I also ache for my son as he was great friends with their children, but now we aren't invited to social things he misses out on seeing his friends. Their children have all become much closer. When I've tried to arrange playdates there's always a reason why they can't come.

Basically, I need to move on but how. We all live within 1 mile of each other so it's hard to avoid them completely. AIBU to be so upset, I'm in my early 40's and really didn't expect to be in this situation with friendships at this age.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 11/01/2022 07:38

I’ve been there OP, it’s not nice is it - takes you straight back to the playground and makes you recall all those childhood friendship issues all over again. I think the pandemic did test a lot of friendships but that’s such a shame that the whole group have moved in so much and don’t have the kindness to reach out and pull you back in.

As you say, time to move on. Smile and wave at them but find another friend or two.

TheFuckingDogs · 11/01/2022 08:18

Have you managed to have a proper conversation with any of them about how you’re feeling/were feeling regarding covid stuff. I know some covid nervous people and I have to say their nervousness around covid makes me nervous to socialise with them IYSWIM in case I offend them etc - this could be how your friends feel. Sorry you and especially your kid are feeling like this though

TheFuckingDogs · 11/01/2022 08:19

It’s like we can’t just all relax if the covid nervous are around (sorry I know that sounds mean I’m just trying to give a different perspective)

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2022 08:25

You said you took it seriously. Did they break lockdown restrictions or were they doing garden meet ups?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 11/01/2022 08:27

You do need to move on. Delete their numbers and delete all messages and the WhatsApp chat histories.

Are you in a WhatsApp group with them?

ManicPixie · 11/01/2022 08:28

If they (rightly or wrongly) perceive you as really nervous about covid then they may have thought it’s not worth bothering you. If you aren’t then it might be fine to make that clear. Can you invite sine of them over?

ISaySteadyOn · 11/01/2022 08:29

I would imagine that they don't want to pressure you or they may be thinking that you don't want to see them. I have some friends who I don't really see now not because I don't like them but because I am fairly sure that they consider me pre diseased rather than human anymore. Could yours be worrying about this?

Joined4this · 11/01/2022 08:29

Is there any chance you can re connect? Explain that you had anxiety but you are getting help and would like to rejoin the group?

ThePlantsitter · 11/01/2022 08:38

Completely understand this and yes it's horrible. There comes a point too where you don't want to say 'can we be friends again' because it makes you feel so needy.

I think it's ok to feel really sad about it for a little while and then pull yourself up and make connections in other ways. The hurt will fade soon enough, you know this.

The thing is that even if they were all open armed 'come back' about it you'd have to agree that you were being a bit silly about Covid restrictions - but you weren't! They were!

mumof2exhausted · 11/01/2022 08:43

When you said you took it seriously how seriously? And did they actually break lockdown rules ? As soon as I could meet a friend for a walk I did, as soon as I could meet in a cafe I did, as soon as I could go to their house I did. But I have a friend who even after all restrictions were lifted was still super nervous about meeting up. That’s her choice but she has of course missed out on a huge chunk of our lives and she still doesn’t want to go to restaurants etc and we all do. I only see her occasionally now for a walk as that’s all she feels comfortable doing. She’s fully vaccinated and no health issues but during lockdown she has turned into quite a hermit x

TheFuckingDogs · 11/01/2022 08:44

Yes @ISaySteadyOn I feel like the ones we know view us as “dirty” or something 😢

Hotyogahotchoc · 11/01/2022 08:47

Can you speak to them OP?

They may feel uncomfortable because they are not sure what you are comfortable with.

Also rightly or wrongly you have missed a lot and they may just be closer now which is not deliberate.

AgathaMystery · 11/01/2022 08:51

I can relate. I was in a group of 4 friends and now I’m… not. It’s partly very much my own fault & partly not (so complicated). It just makes me so sad. I happened in April 2020 & I think I’ve thought of this loss every day since. A friendship group is like an invisible comfort blanket isn’t it? And now it’s gone.

OP if you can maybe you could talk to them. It would be nice for your son and maybe you could see them casually. I won’t ever be close to my former friends again - that ship has sailed for me, but maybe you have a chance at it?

Original poster

Cloudnut · 11/01/2022 08:55

@TheFuckingDogs

I wasn't covid nervous. At the very start March 2020 etc when we were only getting 1 hour exercise, no socialising etc they carried on going to each others houses as usual. I said no the first time they met and they never asked again. They met up continuously throughout lockdown when it was only meant to be 2 households etc.

Since restrictions lifted months ago I've been meeting other people and going out. They were my key friends though and now don't include me. I tried to move on for a while but finding out about various Christmas events now has upset me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloudnut · 11/01/2022 08:57

@mumof2exhausted

I just been at the start the first few months when the whole country was at home. I followed the rules at that point and said no to meeting up. Since we've been allowed to socialise I have been happy to and they know that as I've asked them, there's always a reason they can't though and then I find out about other things they've done and not asked or included me or my son in. Until the pandemic we were really close but seems as I said no to meeting at the very start they've shut me out.

OP posts:

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/01/2022 08:57

Is there one of them that you could have a proper decent chat with? I think you need to stop viewing them as a group of 6.

3scape · 11/01/2022 09:00

Definitely forget about the group as a whole. Focus on whether any of them are worth investing in as a longer term friend.

ISaySteadyOn · 11/01/2022 09:10

@TheFuckingDogs

Yes *@ISaySteadyOn* I feel like the ones we know view us as “dirty” or something 😢

It's very sad. But there it is.

Subulter · 11/01/2022 12:47

Have you invited them around for dinner? I mean, something adult-focused, rather than child-centric -- it may well be that the children have moved on from yours during Covid.

thewhatsit · 11/01/2022 13:07

We found ourselves in a similar but opposite situation, not that we were meeting as normal in the first lockdown. Afterwards though, in May and June 2020 when you could meet outside again I was very keen to get out there as quickly as possible for the sake of my DC - I wanted them back in playgrounds and doing outside play dates without wasting any time.
One of our group was exactly the same and she became my rock during all the subsequent lockdowns. It’s not like we were doing dinner parties in Jan 2021 because we absolutely weren’t, but I probably never went more than 10 days without seeing her (outside!) and she kept me sane. So yeah.. we became closer and you can’t un-do that.

One of our group in particular was sharing memes about why children shouldn’t go back the school.. I think she’s only just started letting her kids go to the playground. It was exhausting and also I guess when you feel so fundamentally differently to someone, it’s hard to overlook that. We stopped trying to meet up because they took social distancing incredibly seriously and I didn’t want my DC around that. And again.. we weren’t proposing to break the law (SD being a guideline only) but trying to arrange park meet ups for DC when you could.

It’s a long time and people do move in different directions sadly.

thewhatsit · 11/01/2022 13:08

Btw OP, that first bit when they were breaking the law and you weren’t .. that only lasted a few months. What’s happened in the last 18 months? Have you asked to see them and they’ve just said no?

Shiningpath · 11/01/2022 13:46

Apart from small pockets of the country, the lockdown periods were actually quite short. Did you suggest doing something when things opened up a bit?

Original poster

Cloudnut · 11/01/2022 15:55

@Shiningpath

Apart from small pockets of the country, the lockdown periods were actually quite short. Did you suggest doing something when things opened up a bit?

Yes. I've suggested all sorts of things once the restrictions lifted. I feel as I said no to the initial illegal meet ups they excluded me straight away.

OP posts:

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 11/01/2022 16:01

Maybe they were just looking for an excuse? Have there been things that you and they have disagreed on?

minipie · 11/01/2022 16:04

Maybe they felt you were judging them
(Which I absolutely would have been in your shoes - I’m not covid cautious but I do follow rules). Hard to come back from that if so.

Plus as a pp said they have now had lots more time together, in a particularly weird and intense period of life - that’s bound to have made them closer. I have a group of friends that was “forged” in lockdown, only on WhatsApp not in person, but it definitely did make us closer going through it together.

I’m really sorry you’ve lost them, but I’m not sure it’s going to be possible to step back into the group as if the last two years didn’t happen.

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