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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Losing friendships during the pandemic

61 replies

Cloudnut · 11/01/2022 05:48

Pre pandemic there was a local group of 6 of us friends who would meet up, we'd been friends about 3 years, we met through school stuff.

When covid hit I took it seriously but they continued meeting at each others houses. As time has gone on and restrictions are gone I feel very left out, I'm not asked to things anymore, I usually hear about them after they've happened or see them on social media. They've (with hubbies and children) started going on hols together. There's also a big party at one person's house every Christmas, my partner and I weren't invited this time, nor to any of the holidays. None of them get in touch first and if I do it's generally very short replies I receive.

I feel sad to have lost these friendships, not just 1 but a whole group of women who I considered good friends. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this has hit me really hard wondering why I'm not good enough for them. I also ache for my son as he was great friends with their children, but now we aren't invited to social things he misses out on seeing his friends. Their children have all become much closer. When I've tried to arrange playdates there's always a reason why they can't come.

Basically, I need to move on but how. We all live within 1 mile of each other so it's hard to avoid them completely. AIBU to be so upset, I'm in my early 40's and really didn't expect to be in this situation with friendships at this age.

OP posts:

londonrach · 11/01/2022 16:10

Op....I've been in the other situation to yourself...we had a very close group of mum friends and saw each other daily at playgroup s etc. Lockdown happened and one member refused to meet us outside. I even went and waved from the path and she refused to open the window and waved from the closed window...time went on and the friends keep meeting...all outside in a park...this friend never left her home...we all try to keep contact but two years is a long time in our young children life.....

notanothertakeaway · 11/01/2022 16:16

Perhaps they felt you were judging them for meeting up against the rules (as I would have done too, but people don't react well to that)

I'd try reaching out to one or two of them as individuals, if your children still play together at school

But also, remember that many friendships based on meeting at school gate are actually quite superficial, and drift away when parents no longer do drop off / pick up

Dogmum40 · 11/01/2022 16:20

I’m in the same boat too! I’ve lost 3 close friends during the pandemic! All 4 of us were friends for 20+ years, went to each other’s weddings and I was there when they all had kids and helped out when they were in the newborn zombie stage, helped through grief and loss and I think because I chose not to have kids and took lockdown seriously as I’m not well the other 3 ignored me and carried on with the friendship and kids play dates minus myself.

I’m hurt and upset and looking at our wedding photos on the wall I have with them as my bridesmaids upsets me most days! I must get around to taking them down but just haven’t got round to it yet.

I think about them and the situation a lot and feel like I’m grieving for them! I’ve messaged, sent Xmas and birthday cards through the post but never received any type of communication back which is tough as we would all message each other daily or every other day on our WhatsApp group

muddyford · 11/01/2022 16:24

I lost two friendships through the pandemic. Even after things eased neither answered messages. One was a friend of thirty years standing. On the plus side, a friend I met every single week (even during LD1) for a socially distanced walk is now such a good friend. We kept each other sane (I think...).

piney07 · 11/01/2022 17:02

I don’t think they’ve necessarily stopped being friends with you on purpose, it’s just easy to get into the habit of doing things as a group, especially during covid.

I would start by setting up a 1:1 with the friend you are closest with, keep it fun no need to mention that you feel left out. Slowly build up to inviting two of them and just make your way back into the group that way.

It’s likely that they’re keen for fresh blood after being in each other’s pockets for so long anyway! I know I am (I had a similar group going during covid!)

malificent7 · 11/01/2022 17:31

They sound quite selfish op....so they basically flouted the rules whilst you and the rest of the country ( apart from the Tory party) quite rightly did the right thing.
Don't sound like great people tbh.

Muthalucka · 11/01/2022 17:43

How did you turn down the invite was it sorry we can’t or was it a “we’re not allowed, that’s against the rules” as that gets peoples backs up (not saying what they did was right) but it’s strange that you turn down one invite and they cut you out

sofakingcool · 11/01/2022 18:04

@Muthalucka

I have to wonder this too, were you funny about it to their faces? Or did you talk about it to anyone else (and they could have found out?)

Mary46 · 11/01/2022 18:08

Yes I found change in friends too. Some happy to meet we kept a safe distance. Others no meetups. Then it just fizzled out. My other friend we had a chat in her driveway kept our distance. Its hard op agree

Oblomov22 · 11/01/2022 18:22

You keep changing what you've said. One minute you say you that on it seriously and have anxiety and depression. Then you say you only obeyed the rules.
I suspect they found you over-vivid-zealous. I found people so. I obeyed the rules, but met up with a friend individually and went for a weekly walk with them when allowed. Now I think back to it, the restrictions were not very severe for long and you could have probably met up more I suspect.
As soon as we were physically allowed I met up with friends outside, then inside either the doors open. One friend said she didn't want to, do we just continued without her. Like minded covid people mixed with like minded vivid people. If you appear over anxious maybe the others just though they couldn't be bothered. I think this was what has happened to you possibly.

Fullyhuman · 11/01/2022 20:10

Is anyone reading this a social scientist planning research on relationships in covid? I find it so interesting (&, on a personal level, upsetting and also uplifting, the relationship shifts I’ve experienced haven’t all been bad but some have been/are painful).

LovedayCL · 11/01/2022 20:21

@TheFuckingDogs

Yes *@ISaySteadyOn* I feel like the ones we know view us as “dirty” or something 😢

Do you mean people who followed the lockdown rules, or people that were still cautious when rules were rescinded?

BobbyeinArkansas · 11/01/2022 20:53

I’ve been here OP but opposite to you. I didn’t take covid seriously at all (a bit like our esteemed prime minister albeit at no point was I telling others what to do) and one of my friendship groups met up regularly for drinks in each other’s houses. Some other friends followed every rule religiously and was super annoyed that some of us didn’t.
Have to say I’m not particularly bothered, it’s a bit like religion, politics and Brexit, quite decisive. Is there a reason your friendship can’t get back to normal once we are “living with covid” and restrictions are a things of the past?

Shiningpath · 12/01/2022 09:54

Is there a reason your friendship can’t get back to normal once we are “living with covid” and restrictions are a things of the past?

I dare say the answer for a lot of people in the OP’s situation is that they can see what selfish, entitled dickheads their friends are.

notanothertakeaway · 12/01/2022 17:53

@BobbyeinArkansas

I’ve been here OP but opposite to you. I didn’t take covid seriously at all (a bit like our esteemed prime minister albeit at no point was I telling others what to do) and one of my friendship groups met up regularly for drinks in each other’s houses. Some other friends followed every rule religiously and was super annoyed that some of us didn’t. Have to say I’m not particularly bothered, it’s a bit like religion, politics and Brexit, quite decisive. Is there a reason your friendship can’t get back to normal once we are “living with covid” and restrictions are a things of the past?

If you were a friend of mine, then I'd have been happy to let that friendship slide, having seen how selfish and irresponsible you were

Original poster

Cloudnut · 13/01/2022 05:28

@Muthalucka

It was the first week of restrictions. I just said something along the lines of no thanks, we're staying home. It wasn't rude or looking down on them. Never got asked again, 2 years later never have.

OP posts:

twominutesmore · 13/01/2022 05:39

When you couldn't meet up in person did you organise or join in with other things? Many people were chatting on Zoom and so on.

Unfortunately, I think your unwillingness to illegally meet up in the early days made them feel like you were judging them, and they bonded closely in those early weeks and months when you weren't present.

I also wonder whether, at times, they felt that you used covid as an excuse. I have a friend who used to text things like 'I can't wait to meet up when we're allowed to' even when we were allowed and it made me feel as if she just wasn't bothered.

twominutesmore · 13/01/2022 05:41

If you said 'no' once and were immediately dropped like a stone, I'd say that at least one person in the group was just waiting for an excuse unfortunately. If it's been two years of knock-backs it's time to leave it now.

malificent7 · 13/01/2022 05:44

I can't believe people are saying that op might have come across wrong or judgy. Op - you did the right thing. They are very selfish and have shown their true colours.

UnsuitableHat · 13/01/2022 05:53

YANBU, this isn't nice for you. I wouldn't try to reconnect with these friends as a group, but maybe as time goes on you'll be able to re-establish relationships with individuals. Might need time, patience and, when you feel up to it, a bit of effort. Look after yourself though.

twominutesmore · 13/01/2022 06:46

@malificent7

I can't believe people are saying that op might have come across wrong or judgy. Op - you did the right thing. They are very selfish and have shown their true colours.

Nobody is saying she was wrong to refuse to meet up when that wasn't allowed.

But to her friends, who were more than happy to meet up illegally, saying no would have some off as judgmental imo.

WearyOldWoman · 13/01/2022 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlDanvers · 13/01/2022 07:02

I think you stuck to restrictions and they didn't. You made it clear you were doing.

In spring/summer 2020 people were losing their minds. Reporting neighbours for their exercise being too long or going to the shop for 'non essential' items etc.

They probably decided not to invite again in case you reported them. That's created a gulf between you all which has only got bigger with time.

I would try and move on amd make more friends. I am sorry you are upset. Its not a nice thing to go through.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/01/2022 07:36

I have a couple of friends who regularly broke the lockdown rules and were meeting up when the restrictions banned households mixing. They invited me to hang out with them a few times and I said no as I didn’t want to break the rules. I wasn’t rude about it and they stopped asking during lockdown but I feel they then avoided me even when restrictions began to lift and I don’t really see either of them now. I think that I made them feel guilty that they were breaking the rules and that it was easier to pretend we didn’t see each other because I was no longer friends with them than to admit to the fact they shouldn’t have been seeing each other. I didn’t try to make them feel this way but I could tell that when I said no even though I tried to say it without judgement they took it like that from the way they tried to justify the meet ups to me.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 13/01/2022 08:19

“no thanks, we're staying home.”

This might be the problem I’m afraid. Unfortunately many people do expect very flowery words and phrasing from women with emojis (but not men ) and they may have found this too abrupt?

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