Losing friendships during the pandemic

[Cloudnut]

Pre pandemic there was a local group of 6 of us friends who would meet up, we'd been friends about 3 years, we met through school stuff.

When covid hit I took it seriously but they continued meeting at each others houses. As time has gone on and restrictions are gone I feel very left out, I'm not asked to things anymore, I usually hear about them after they've happened or see them on social media. They've (with hubbies and children) started going on hols together. There's also a big party at one person's house every Christmas, my partner and I weren't invited this time, nor to any of the holidays. None of them get in touch first and if I do it's generally very short replies I receive.

I feel sad to have lost these friendships, not just 1 but a whole group of women who I considered good friends. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this has hit me really hard wondering why I'm not good enough for them. I also ache for my son as he was great friends with their children, but now we aren't invited to social things he misses out on seeing his friends. Their children have all become much closer. When I've tried to arrange playdates there's always a reason why they can't come.

Basically, I need to move on but how. We all live within 1 mile of each other so it's hard to avoid them completely. AIBU to be so upset, I'm in my early 40's and really didn't expect to be in this situation with friendships at this age.

It's not the end though. They think you're not interested. Just message them asking to catch up, as it's been so long. Get back on track, if can be salvaged.

I've asked them numerous times to do things, they definitely are not interested. I don't know if that was the exact wording I used in the text. Looking for ways to move on as I feel it's past now sadly. School gates this morning, they're all standing a group chatting and I said hi. One of them acknowledged me but nothing further and they all just went back to their closed chat.

It’s possible their views have got more entrenched over time. I didn’t agree with lockdown when it was first brought in (although I did observe it) and I gravitated towards friends who felt the same because I found it depressing listening to pro-lockdown views. Over the last couple of years I have noticed that, as a result of the online bubbles we all find ourselves in, quite a few of those I originally had a lot of common ground with have gone more and more down the anti-vax route and are openly quite hostile towards anyone who has been vaccinated, or who supports vaccine passports. It’s sad the way these things come between us, but it’s hard when they are decisions with such a massive and immediate impact on daily life.

Sorry OP. Must be hard.

It could be because they think that you're secretly judging them for meeting up? Feeling secretly judged can really put you off seeing someone, even if you really like them. But a simple convo can clear the air!

Is there one person who you feel closer to that you could talk to?

Wording things as not self pitying but rather as liking these people and wanting to be friends would help too I think.

Hi op just move on from them. I met very few in first lockdown too risky. Met a friend last summer outdoors. Was nice to see her. Friends come and go I think but yeh its not nice.

I suspect they didn’t want you to dob them in for breaking the rules so kept you out of it once they realised you weren’t willing to break them. As time has gone on it’s clearly just become habitual for it only to be them without you there and they forgot to invite you.

It’s hard, I understand. I lost my friend during the pandemic too, she was my only real friend but the relationship has just fizzled out and I’ve had to accept that and move on. It’s more painful to be the desperate person trying to cling onto something really.

All the people saying "just drop them" - genuine question: how many friends do you have and are you happy with your social life? You seem awfully easy to piss off and expect your friends to be perfect and drop them at any opp.

Maybe I'm too lenient but I think you have to do a bit of work and make allowances for friends. And they should do the same for you. We're all imperfect.

Please get them in a one on one and flat out ask them what's going on. Let them express their feelings now matter how irrational.

Part of the govt strategy was to turn people against each other re covid rules, that way the attention was off all the actually important stuff going on. It's personal to you but also not personal.

Sounds like you want to give it a final try so don't give up. Get each on their own and try.

I wonder if someone did report them and they suspect it was you? During the hard lockdown what they were doing was regarded as really out of order by most people. It would be quite surprising if nobody reported them if they were so flagrant.

Strictly speaking there was never a one hour time limit on exercise, and if your response to their initial invitation had implied something like that, they might have reasonably rolled their eyes (although not while meeting up / socialising / being in each others' houses which was definitely not allowed in any sense).

It's not really up to the OP to "drop them" as it seems she's already been dropped by them. That's shit - people often are shit, and if they were pissing around during lockdowns, they're shit on many levels. Do you really want people like that in your life, OP? There are better people out there, you just need to find them and forge new friendships for you and your DC. You could try to find a new crowd via a new hobby either for your DC, or yourself, or together?

@saltandherbsandnothingnice

All the people saying "just drop them" - genuine question: how many friends do you have and are you happy with your social life? You seem awfully easy to piss off and expect your friends to be perfect and drop them at any opp.

Maybe I'm too lenient but I think you have to do a bit of work and make allowances for friends. And they should do the same for you. We're all imperfect.

This ^